There are no words to describe the feelings felt over the past twenty-four hours. Two years ago...twenty-four months ago...731 days ago...I tossed and I turned in a hospital bed. Only a few hours earlier I was one friend's decision away from ending it all. I could not think rationally. Would people miss me? Would it tear my family and friends apart? Yes. Of course it would. I know all of this, but in those moments I could not rationalize with any of it. All I could see were the waves crashing over me. Those same waves that bring me such comfort were dragging me down to the bottom and making it almost impossible to breathe. My world fell apart that night. I was failing all of my classes, I had the words of those that broke me echoing in my head, those words told me that I was worthless, unloved, a poor excuse for a human being and that the world would be a better place without me.
Then it happened, the one person I believed would never give up on me and would always be there to encourage me in my faith and talk me through these moments...well he just walked away. He stood by the person breaking me down the most. In that moment, I felt like that was the final sign that I really shouldn't be here. It shattered my world. I know why he did it. I understand it and I love him still, but it still hurt. It still broke me in ways that I do not have words for.
I almost took my own life, but the one that I least expected to comfort me did the unimaginable. He made a call that I know few would be able to make. He is like me and because I know that, I knew what the consequences he believed would be there would do to him. He did it anyway. It was not the cops, it was not the hospital, it was the love of a friend that pulled my head above the water.
It was a long two months after. The one that walked away came back into my life almost two months later and in ways it was like we never missed a beat.
Four years before any of this, I had a butterfly tattooed on my shoulder. So many reasons but none above the reminder that even the scariest of seasons and can bring forth the most beauty. Ironically this happened four years to the day before I found myself in the scariest season I have yet to experience.
I have seen love since then. I have known real smiles and even more heartache. I survived. Here I am six years after the tattoo and two years after the darkest night. I made it. I am here and while nights can still be so dark, tonight included...I am still alive. I am still breathing.