Sometimes I sit back and reflect on things both past and present.
I see moments that make me question everything
I look at pictures and painful memories sink in
I feel rejected and neglected, but then the sweet quiet voice speaks
The look in your eyes, the words that go unsaid, the smile that whispers
When I hear the voice that tells me to wait, that tells me to hold on
Those are the moments that matter
All of the bull that goes on in our lives is nothing in comparison
Until He says otherwise, I will wait.
I will wait and I will love you unconditionally.
You are my best friend and you always will be
I love you
Always.

Some people say that they love the fact that at the end of the day they can pass the children back off to their parents...I hate that part. I anxiously look forward to the possibility of a day when I do not have to hand over the child in my arms because that child is my own. I love my job and I love the children I work with, but I find myself near tears at times because I long for the day that it is my turn. When I can hold my own son or daughter, when the child crying 'Mama' is actually crying for me and when I can experience that connection between a mother and child with my own baby.

I gave up. Almost two months of praying and hoping that your name would flash across my screen. Almost two months of crying myself to sleep, truly believing you did not give a **** about me. So, I gave up. On the day of the wedding I hoped you would join me to celebrate, I gave up hope that you cared or would make any attempt to call me. I smiled the first real smiles in two months. I laughed and I cried tears of joy for my sweet friend on her wedding day. The next day I went to a graduation party and as I laughed and smiled with old friends, your picture was not being clutched tight to my heart. I found a way to be happy even if I did still love you and miss you more than words can say. You made a choice, you left me in silence even when silence was almost all that I would have left the world. No call, no text, no checking with a friend to make sure I was not falling apart. I was. I did. Then after two months, I gave up. I left my phone at home that day. For the first time in two months, I let the phone stay out of my reach completely. I did not get home til around 2am. There it was. "Ello, mate" and so we picked up where we left off. Except it wasn't. We left off at a series of kisses goodbye outside of your house after a night that changed me for good...so really, we picked up where we left off before we began. So a year ago held all of that...what does tomorrow hold?

Those words were beautiful
The most beautiful I had ever heard you sing
but they were not for me
The words for me were not shown to the world
The words that were, well
those words were not for me.
I miss that voice
I miss those words
even those that were not for me
My words come straight from my heart
They may not always be for you
but darlin' most of my words are meant for you
The words of love, of fear, of hope and of heartache
for you.
There are words for others and I mean them just as much...
but I share my words for you as they come
I share them because I care enough to let the world see them
can you say the same of your words for me?

I see the pictures
I hold this little one in my arms
So innocent and so precious
I look toward the future and to what may be my turn
What if it never comes?
Well, I have so many other little ones to watch over
So maybe it is not meant to be.
I know that pain would be involved
but holding one in my arms, I know it would be worth it.
Children are the greatest blessing in this world.
I look at this face, I count these fingers and toes
I love them, each of them and I will care for them
Just as if they were my own.
The miracle of birth is the greatest that I know of.
I only hope that someday I may experience it.

When I listen to the songs of this summer
in comparison to the songs from last summer
there really is not much of a difference.
The songs that got me through then
well the themes are all the same.
Loss and finding of self
Loss and finding of friend
I like to pretend that things got so much better
but I think we are just lying to ourselves.
It was a joke really, a stupid joke.
I can find happiness now, but not in where I had hoped.
I miss you, I do...but it never felt like you missed me.
I still feel the same, I still have hope
I just also have a better grip on reality
That reality is that nothing really changed for you
I need to accept that.

It was exactly one year ago.
I lost a part of me.
I lost a part of my identity.
It was not a best friend that I lost that night
It was not anyone else that I lost either.
It was me
I lost a part of me that can never be restored
Such a big part of me.
Gone.
In one night.
Other things and people were lost later.
The months that followed nearly broke me.
I made it through.
Yes, my heart still beats.
There is no denying this truth though...

Exactly a year ago tonight
I lost a part of me.