After all is said and done
After all the tears have been cried
Friendship still stands
Knowledge of likes, dislikes and true identities
They are all still there and just as real
Things are different now
Hugs no longer involve physical touch
Too much laughter and closeness must be followed by space
Still there, but not as much
You still show that you care, but only in the ways that you can
The ways that matter.
In ways, you were just as you claimed to be.
The best you could be to me.
I love you for who you are and all that you mean to me.
A friend. A good friend. One that truly sees me.
I am thankful for you friend.

I can feel the tears wanting to make an escape
My smile fades and reality hits
I hoped we were beyond this
We can talk and we can laugh like good friends

I know that it hurts
It hurts me just as much
but it hurts more to think of going back to being strangers
You mean more to me than almost anyone
You understand me
I can be myself when you are around.

I know it is selfish, but I want this friendship
I want to be able to laugh and be real with you
The past happened and we can't undo it.
Things are different now though

I refuse to be the source of your pain.
If you need space, I will give you space
If you need distance, I will give you that too
I won't let you see me cry
That wouldn't be fair to you
Just please don't say goodbye

It doesn't go away
Just because I am happy now
Even though I have so many reasons to smile
It still creeps in
The darkness that has become so familiar
It manages to find a way in
To bring me back a few steps
To tighten the grip around my throat
It laughs at the frustration and confusion
Why won't it go away?
Does it mean I am not really happy?
No. I am the happiest I have ever been
Things are the best that I can ever remember
I smile now. I really smile.
But still I am suffocated by this weight
This weight of depression and of anxiety
Pulling me in all directions
Making me feel like I am drowning
God, I ask You to save me
Pull me out from all of this mess
Help me to live for You
To remember that You are in control
That this depression and anxiety are not what define me.
You define me.
My true identity is in You.
I am a daughter of the King.
That is something that cannot be taken from me.
So I will smile. I will push forward.
I will not let this sickness take my life.

This time is different
I am happy
I am truly happy

This man makes me feel beautiful
I no longer have to put on a mask
I can just be myself for once

I feel like a child once again
I feel hope and I feel wonder
I can see the years ahead of us

I can live in the moment
My best friend's hand in mine
Smiles that do not fade

Those eyes looking at me
It is as if everything else ceases to exist
The world could crumble and I would not blink

He inspires me
I feel motivated to be the best that I can be
He makes me want to live life to the fullest

My spirit dances when he is by my side
When he prays with me, I can feel that God is near
When he prays for me, I feel so secure

He catches me every single time I fall
I tend to trip over my own two feet
Yet this man makes me feel like dancing

Kissing in the rain
Dancing by the river
Just holding each other as we watch the sunrise

This is love
This is true
This is real.

I wish you could see how you make me feel. You seem to realize what you sound like, but you have no clue how it makes me feel. The fact that this is how you see me is insulting and hurts more than you could possibly understand. Every action and word out of my mouth is not a manipulation and the fact that you seem to think it is proves that you do not know me as well as I thought. I am ******* up and I do struggle with the urge to manipulate, but that does not mean that I am constantly manipulating others in everything I do. I fight that urge and when it comes to those I love, I usually win.  Whether it is acceptable to you or not, I do love you. No, not in the "I wanna be with you" sense.  I love you in the sense that no matter how much this crap kills me, I am willing to fight for you. I am willing to fight for this friendship. Do not expect me to be okay with this though. I will not give up on you, but I am hurt and I do not have the right words to make you understand. So I write here. You may see it someday, you may not. I am not attaching a name for a reason. It could be about you, or him, or even her. This is my release to strangers and the few friends I trust to read the stuff that I put up here. So be mad at me or annoyed at me if you must, but know that at the end of the day I did not and will not walk away. That should count for something.

A brave move in a moment of strength.
No regret, but fear sinks in.
God please remove the fear and the doubt.
I know that I need to trust You.
So I am letting go.
While I pray that he can stay, I told him to go.
If walking away is Your plan for him,
it is my prayer that he listens.
If You tell him to keep going and never look back,
it is my prayer that he listens.
If You tell him to fight for this friendship
and all that it stands for,
I pray that we fight to make this friendship
be all that You want it to be.
And if You want him to take chances in this,
it is my prayer that he listens to You and You alone.
Lord, I know not what You will do, but only what I must.
So I am letting go.
Whatever may come to be, You always provide.
I trust You and I am letting go.
I know that You will watch over us both and keep us safe.

Some nights the pain is stronger.
Some sights hurt more to see
and some words hurt more to hear.
Seeing that one, hearing about the other one...
It all kinda makes me wish those senses would just quit.
I get it more than I would like to,
but that does not make it hurt any less.
Sometimes I wanna just pack up and leave.
I can't.
I promised I would always be here.
So here I will be.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever fade.
Will the loneliness ever subside?
Will the tears stay away for more than a day?
Sometimes...
I just miss being loved.