It was only a year ago.
A beginning and an end in the blink of an eye.
I was a mess, but so were you.
I have been in love before,
but my heart has only ever beat that fast with you.
You make me so frustrated
and I know that I annoy you.
I realize that at the very least the timing was all wrong.
At the very most, we were all wrong together.
Some people dream of a love that drives them crazy,
We had (have) that and it took no time at all.
A tragedy is what this has become.
We both deserve better; we both desire better.
Yet still there are nights when you are on my mind.
Those nights I only want one thing,
I want to go back to the poetry and long nights.
Sometimes, I wonder if you ever want that too.
I wish that I could know what you see when you look at me now.
I love seeing you laugh again.
I want you to be happy and I want that laugh to live on.
That light in your eyes,
I pray it never fades.
The most beautiful man I have ever met.
So perfectly imperfect.
A crazy mess of thoughts, this may be.
How else would I describe us though?

There is always another
As soon as I start to find some sort of solid ground
It falls beneath me
Did it all mean nothing?
No, I know that is a lie.
or so you all have told me
Why am I not good enough?
Now I know what you would say
You would tell me that I am enough
but let's face it, I am not.
Not for him, not for you
Not even for the one that...
if I don't say the words, will they still be true?
Will it still hurt when he tells me the inevitable?
There is always another, and I am just a *****.

I am imperfect.
I make mistakes.
I am struggling to be perfect,
but just like you, I tend to fail
I am not okay.
You are perceptive enough to know that much
So why do you walk away
Why do you respond in anger
When what I say is not against you
In fact it has nothing to do with you
So why are you giving up on me
I am trying to get better.
I am trying to get to healthier state of mind.
I have a long way to go, but I know the steps.
I know myself better than you give me credit for.
I do not expect you to fix me, but as my friend,
I do expect you to stick around.
I expect you to have a little faith in me.
I need my friends more than ever
Not to fix me, but just to be there
I need to know I am not alone.
I need to know that the people do not always leave,
So, please
I ask you with all that I have
Don't give up on me.

I cannot breathe
Tears are falling
The razor is in my hand
I fight it, I fight it with all that I have
Why must it all come rushing back?
Memories that I share only with you
For them to come back now
Now when you can barely even look at me
It is not fair.
None of it was ever fair.
The words, they have never left my lips
No one, except for you and I
No one knows what happened that night.
No one knows the pain and the experience that followed
No one knows the memories that came flooding back for me.
Not even you.
No one will ever know what happened that night.
I shut off the water.
I dry off, dress, and walk out the door.
I pick up the mask and I put it back on.
Everything is fine.
I am fine.

Why do we hurt each other?
Is it because we are not thinking?
Is it because we are cruel?
Is it because we do not know how to get what we want without stepping on others?
Do we hurt each other to make up for the hurt that we feel?
Do we hurt each other because we do not see the right way to approach things?
Do we hurt each other because we are oblivious or because we simply do not care?
Will hurting others make us feel better?
Will hurting others take the pain away?
Will hurting others do anything other than hurt us in the end?
People care.
People love you.
People lie.
At the end of the day, people will always let you down.
At the end of the day, we will still be imperfect and let ourselves down.
At the end of the day, it will still hurt.

You, and only you, have seen the darkest side of me
The things I hate about myself
The things I struggle to keep in check
You feel how you feel though.
The fact that one of the things
One of the things I struggle to keep in check the most
Is the one thing that made you walk away
The one thing that you could not tolerate
I was careful with you, but I am who I am
I am a manipulator, a liar and a two-faced *****
It is okay, you can say it.
At the end of the day it is true whether you say it or not.
I catch myself as often as I can and aside from using perfume here and there
I was most careful to catch myself with you.
Because you matter
Because you are one of the few that I do not want to let down
The fact that you see it all as a loss
That you believe it was all manipulation
That fact makes me hate myself all the more
I wonder, what is the point?
Why do I fight to keep it in check at all, if it just seems like I am up to old tricks?
Because of people like you
Because of people that are worth fighting for
I cannot change the way you feel
I cannot fix the way things are perceived
My feelings were true
They are still true
I laid out my soul, raw and bare
I trusted you with it
You, out of everyone else
I let you see the darkest side of me

Nothing I could say
Nothing I could do
Still you love me.

Nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
I still love you.

Two months of silence.
Two wild cards to distract
Still we are more.

More than just friends
More than simply lovers
I still can see.

See the presence that surrounds as we pray
See the part of you that is beyond the facade
Still I see a love that is like no other.

A friendship like no one has ever seen
A friendship like no one has ever experienced.
I still thank God for you.

A future that is so unclear
A future with such potential for perfection
Still it is up to you.

Let fear keep us apart
Let fear drive us over the edge
I still have hope that makes me believe.

I believe in miracles
I believe in this perfection
Still it is not in our time, but His.

Perfection that is unlike any human definition
Perfection that makes me question everything
I still believe in perfect imperfection.

No one will ever know
No one could ever truly see
Still we both feel this pull that never dies or fades away.

So let them come
So let them try
I still will not walk away.

Not now
Not ever
No matter what.