This is the first birthday in which I actually feel different. I feel more self aware. I am proud of my accomplishments and ready for what comes next in both my relationship and my career. I am out of my twenties. I am divorced. I do not own my own home. More than all of that, I am not a mother. That was the one thing that I was sure of. I never pictured myself having my first child even close to my late twenties and now here I am, thirty.
Hope has not run out.
I will be a mom.
Just not today.

My love

first love

first kiss

the memories are an insane combination of bitter and sweet

this is different

this is like nothing I have ever felt before.

You really love me.

take care of me in every way

kiss me in a way that allows me to feel your love for me.

I love you so much more than yesterday,

but I have a feeling I will love you even more tomorrow.

Our story began long ago,

tale as old as time.

This chapter is just beginning.

I know better than to expect perfection, but my darling...

I am beyond excited for this one.

Our first home together.

Tonight I watched a movie. There was a portion of a monologue of the main character towards the end hit me in a way that I needed more than I knew.

It is for that reason that I feel the need to share it with all of you. This is from the movie "Someone Great":

"I met you when everything was new and exciting,
and the possibilities of the world seemed

endless.

And they still are.

For you.

For me.

But not for us.

Somewhere between then and now, here and there–

I guess we didn’t just grow apart…

…we grew UP."

Upon hearing this I was reminded of the final end of my last relationship before my current one. My ex-husband and I decided to try again, we were long distance for about a year and a half. It was clear that neither of us was ready for a move (I had already moved down to Georgia and then moved back to Maryland while our divorce had been finalized). There was no end in sight to the long distance of it and somewhere in the midst of all of that I found myself accepting that our time was at an end. I ended it and while we are still close friends. Hearing this in the movie perfectly fit my feelings as I said goodbye to the relationship that I had believed was going to be the one that would end when one of us was no longer on this earth.

But it isn't perfect
It hurts like hell
It is what is necessary
He needs it this way
But it still hurts
Everything else hurts more though
So it is what it is
I feel safe.
Despite the lump in my throat...
I know that I am loved.
I don't want someone else
I don't want the touch of a stranger
I just want to be enough.
For once in my life

Every time
Every **** time.
Every time I start to breathe again
The floor falls out beneath me
I struggle to see straight
I struggle to breathe
I feel so small
I want to run
I want to disappear
But that isn't me
I don't get to do that.
So I pick myself up
I do what I do best
I grab a new mask
I go back to what I know
Every **** Time

The silence is the worst.
The open ended nature of the silence is chaotic
The chaos is a mixture of thoughts & fears.
Hearing something I do not like is better.
My mind is
Cruel
Loud
Unforgiving
So the silence is torture.
I torture myself enough already
Please end the silence