They told me I was gonna be
A big Star
They said that with a face like mine
I could get what I wanted
I wanted to go far
I wanted everyone to know my name

I started out as a model
But when people learned I could read
They put me in front of a different camera
It was all the same to me
Pose here
Say a line or two there
It came easily to me

Women wanted me
Men wanted to be me
Everyone idolized me
Perfect Teeth
Perfect Eyes
Perfect Hair
Perfect Tan
Perfect Body
I was the total package

But when you're the total package
They don't tell you how lonely it is
In the spotlight
At first it didn't bother me
I thought
Who needs friends when I could have
Fans

It was all fun and games
Until my fifteen minutes were up
You can't be the young new face forever
I've realized the hard way that
All fame does is
Chew you up
Bleed you dry
And Spit you out
You don't get any say in the matter

I still get recognized here and there
By people like you of course
Would you like a picture?
An autograph?
No?
Ok, thats fine
How about I start you all off with some drinks?

Bipolar.

The toxic word flickers across the blue screen, taunting my tears into reckoning. Everything makes sense now. Now I know each time my feelings crash there is no reason, no problem, no answer. Just disorder. My disorder. It’s swirling in my veins, intoxicating me like a drug, and sometimes I like it.

Each manic moment is incomprehensible perfection, with I as the center of its universe. The world is mine to own, the Gods mine to control. Every movement is unstoppable, the energy seeping out of my very pores. Words come easily; all I am is a flowing expression of the beauty within. Nothing is above me, all are below. I am flawless. Why can’t everyone be so perfect?

Yet each depressed crash sends me spiraling into a darkness I have never known. My nails become bitten, my hair a tangled mess. Every turn I find myself nothing but alone, no one around to notice or care or even see. They are better, everything’s better, as long as it’s without me.

I am a cyclical monster, luring in my prey before dragging it into the pits of my own personal hell. Every shattered shard refracts inviting light, yet they cut deep and only capture people in a lethal web. I am breakable, unfixable. Every shade of me I thought I understood is now a vague gray. Is this smile mine? Are these tears real? Am I feeling pain or is it just the chemicals and synapses dancing haphazardly in my brain, concocting this uncontrollable body that I do not know?

I cannot hinder my blood from screaming for help, but my heart cannot tell what my lips refuse to speak. Lips lie when I try to hide, the habitual sin I can never break. People must be punished for their sins. Locked within my prison, kept without my food, begging to be unchained yet pleading to cement my sentence. A prisoner cannot **** when they are dead.

He asks to help, but he is ignorant to the truth. My arms pull him close while my heart shoves him far away, dooming my flicker of a fantastical romance before it begins. It shoves them all away. The choice is shove or break. No one deserves this, the swirling vortex of uncertainty, depression, mania, unknown. How could I break them too? The only paths before me are to lose them or hurt them. Losing them would **** me; hurting them would **** me. My heart will be murdered either way. How inevitable it is for me to be dead.

This disorder is not terminal, yet its killing me quietly, so slowly, and forcing me to feel alone in even the most crowded room. To become an alien in my own world. They want to save me, but they don’t understand, she doesn’t understand, I am too afraid to understand. It won’t be spoken. Only on paper can my iron heart ease, only alone can I say what I know is real.

Bipolar.

muteness
this dyin' out which
the fay of sleeping trundles

is

lurid


it
stings deeply


very drab
and doesn't

its shoulders
jeweled
gleaming

most
its muscles
sore

andthe

sloping crease
of its hips eat

the timid easy fingers of dawn

The train comes by every morning bout 5
I wish that train could find a cliff and collide
Before the demons with it arrive
Always, some poison they unpack
Wherever it came from, I wish it’d go back
That whistle blower must be the most vile of all
He probably blew whistles during the disaster in Bhopal
Sounding off as thousands of people died
Now I hear melodies of their killer pesticides
Echoing deep thru the hills, into the chemical valley
Here it continues adding death to it's tally
So rich men can be richer, they threaten a poor mans fate
Acting like life is worth less than methyl isocyanate

I don't like to be close to people
I can't handle the feeling of people touching me
I don't want people to touch any part of skin
That belongs to me

Still I would do almost anything to sleep next to you
Just one night
Nothing more than sleep together
I would give so much to fall asleep holding your hand

Sleeping next to someone is something I hate
I hate the feeling of having someones warm body
So close to my own
But that is all I wish to do with you

This is all new to me
I don't want to sleep alone
I don't want someone to hold me
I just want you there with me holding my hand

Please don't make me sleep alone
I'm scared

is it strange that i believe in supernatural things
       like fairies
                                wild creatures that cant be found
or looked for
          they appear when and if they want to
                                              living separate
with nothing to do
     with humans
                                      mischievous things
                                                           that never die
of common illnesses
      i do believe that fairies
                                                                   could
be possible
                           because there's nothing
      to prove anything

                                                                                                              and you're far to
                                                                                                              otherworldly
                                                                                                              to be a simple
                                                                                                              human
                                                                                                              like me

Stranded in a car,
Parking lot castaway,
Babylonian sunset,
A star sleeping on regret,
The cold street lights now casting spells,
Down upon a pale face with these eyes painted,
With their shadows

The rain soldiers are marching in,
They'll crown me with their arrows,
I am the queen of the orphans,
A city for a throne,
And heartless chest for a scepter,
It is rumored that there was a cool of the day,
But it is not found here,
If birds had songs then,
They choke and spit out cruel laughter now,
Therefore the gulls migrated to die on asphalt,
To collect the filth I leave upon the earth,
I have sticky fingers on me you see,
Attached to soggy gloves

The rats keep eating at my bed,
The rats keep eating at my bed,
The rats keep eating at my bed,
I cannot sleep tonight,
The rats keep eating at my bed,
But feed the rabbits,
Feed the rabbits,
Feed the rabbits,
Feed the rabbits,
The Commercialized Army is pressing in,
Following the systematic skein of procedure,
Knit the net,
Produce,
Consume,
Expire,
Produce,
Consume,
Expire,
Knit the net,
Catch me,
Catch me,
Catch me,
Knit the net


I shouldn't be here
                  Where can I find it?
I shouldn't be here
                  Where can I find it?
                                   Will I stop myself?
I shouldn't be here
                  Where can I find it?
                                    Will I stop myself?
                                                      *­Time moves too slow
I shouldn't be here,
                  Where can I find it?
                                    Will I stop myself?
                                                      Ti­me moves too slow
I shouldn't be-





                                                       ­                        And The Sun Goes



Down,
In,
My,
Brown,
Eyes,
Twilight fixation,
The orange star sleeps in the smog,
My mind in its fog,

Here comes the pale ghost eye,
Peaking through his veil,
Midnight fixation,
Staring down,
On my brown eye island

Where I washed ashore

I let myself die

and now I pay the price
I killed myself
although not in body
in body all the same
I killed myself
with sad songs and memories of you
with sad sad sad thoughts and bad decisions
the true things that **** you
with slashes and black and white images
with cigarette burns and strands of hair on the floor
with closed shades and closed doors
with a caked face and unwashed clothing
with fingers down my throat and an empty stomach
with thoughts of bridges, and guns, and pills, and blades, and ropes, and buildings
with attempts at bridges, and pills, and blades, and almost buildings
with hospital visits and fake smiles
with crying spells and nights spent curled up into a ball on the floor

i could have been more

(and now i pay the price)


sorry father, your little girl is gone