There was a time I wanted to live on the same street as you when we grew up
But I'm not sure where that dream ended up
You were my big sister and I was your parasite I guess
But you were the one ******* me dry, telling me to feel blessed
Said to count myself lucky that you didn't **** me in my sleep at night
And knowing you, I knew this was true, so I guess you're right
All I wanted was a big sister, but instead I got a monster
Who lives in the back of my head
It used to be loud, and then it got quiet
But now it is back
And this monster sounds just like you
I hate how it feels
To know that I gave everything for you
I shared a bedroom, tried to protect you, cheered for you
Prayed for you, cried for you, feared for you
Wanted you, needed you, thought of you

But now... it's different
Things are all different.
You never cared, never gave the same
And now I'm still here
Hating how I remember you.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to lay the big problems out there*

I. Forgetting

Why am I forgetting things when I’m only fifteen?
Like, I get being ditsy, and forgetting minor things
But this is different
This causes me to have to make lists of things I can’t forget
(But what if I forget something that needs to go on the Forget List?)
And instead of practicing my dances
Just once every week, like the rest of my team
I have to practice every night
Or I’ll forget
And I can’t remember lyrics for the songs we have to sing
So I have to sing my songs over and over
Or I’ll forget
I just don’t get it
My memory is slipping and I’m only fifteen

II. Anxious

I can’t just sit in a car calmly
Because when we are a car away from the car ahead
It’s too close, we’re gonna crash
And from that crash, I can imagine all the ways I will die
If I get an F on this next test
That F will stand for everything
I’ll fail at life
And from that F, I can imagine all the ways I will die stupid
If I don’t talk in this conversation
No one will like me
And if I do talk they won’t like me either
And from this do or do not, I can imagine all the ways I will die stupid and alone
I don’t need a reason why, or how
But I can imagine all the ways I will die

III. Stressed

I don’t want to go home
Because my family is awful, and they don’t want me anyway
So I don’t go home
At least, I postpone it
I add to the list of things to do
Add show choir, add oral interpretation
Add play, add study buddy, add random projects
Just to keep me out of the house
And then add more complications
Like, I’m bisexual, and have only come out to my friends
Like, I’m pretty sure my sister is a gender specific homophobe
Like, I have to figure out when to fit my dad’s house to my schedule
Like, my dad has been awful to me here lately anyway
Like, my friends all have drama
Like, they always expect me to solve it
Like, everyone thinks I am perfect
Like, I think I need to convince them that they’re right
It keeps adding
And adding
And adding some more

IV. Sad

I’m always sad
Some mornings I wake up and can’t get out of bed
Not because I can’t physically get out of bed
It’s just that I can’t mentally get out of bed
Because I’m always sad
And I have all these happy moments
That are all masked by this sadness
And this sadness is all masked by this happy face
Because the second someone even thinks for a minute
That Perfect Reagan is broken
Is the same second that the people who do want me, won’t want me
Perfect Reagan is dysfunctional
And cracked in many spots
Because Perfect Reagan
Is also Sad Reagan
And she can’t escape it
So she hides behind her domino
And when that fails
All she has to do is make a new one
So yes, Perfect Reagan has happy moments
But they are hidden away, overpowered, and shut down by sadness
And the sadness is hidden away, overpowered, and shut down by the mask
It just takes a while to get the false face to work
Like painting red walls white
The red is bound to bleed through
Just like the sadness is bound to seep through

I think it’s okay to slip up once or twice
Maybe even a third
Or fourth?
Even if it’s the same mistake you’ve already made
But it makes it worse when that slip up
Needs a lie to keep it protected
A lie to keep others from suspecting
That this little slip up is anything more
Than a slip up
A drawback
A relapse
No one needs to know
More than that
No one needs to know
That this slip up
Isn’t just a slip up
But a major colossal set back
That is only pushing your thoughts
Back to the moment
That you locked in a box
With chains
And buried in your backyard

No one needs to know
That this isn’t just a slip up.

Sometimes I feel
As if my brain is running on a hamster wheel
And like I’m plummeting into a deep dark hole
Getting out of bed is always my highest goal
The cave I’m walking into has no end
Like all my thoughts just merge and blend
Into one big cluster of distracted sad
Like my happiness is defended by an ironclad
That I will never get through
Like I keep winding like a *****
Down through the wood getting all these splinters
And it feels like I’m stuck in long stream, cold lonely winters
I’m descending further and further into this pit
Maybe this feeling will never quit
I’m starting to think ‘sometimes’ is headed for ‘always’
To the point that I can’t get out of this mind maze
To be happy is to be lucky
But most of the time I feel quite mucky
To the ordinary eye this feeling is translucent
So I pretend to be happy just for your amusement
But it’s hard to keep up
Because it feels as if I’m about to burnup
Coming from within I feel the burning
My stomach always churning
It makes me sick to the core
Honestly I’m not sure what this is all for
But I keep fighting
But this feeling keeps striking
Knocking me to the floor once more
Beating me senseless until I’m physically sore
I don’t find this feeling fair
Because it keeps pushing me into despair
This feeling keeps me bound and chained
Leaving me drained
All I feel is this mental pain
From always feeling as if I’m as big as a grain
Compared to this feeling I’m small
As it pins me against a wall
After starting all these mental wars
It tends to lock all the doors
To the point of no escape
And the second I think I saw sign of a hero’s cape
It blinds me
And tosses me to sea
To drown in my own misery
Causing all of my mental injury
And I feel like it will never end.




Other times I'm fine and dandy

I am a parasite.
I benefit from your loss
But at least i keep you skimming above the bottom of rock bottom
Not crashing you
That, too, is to my benefit
Because i can continue to use you
I fail when i let you lose too much
To the point of death
Because then I can no longer use you
And my benefits disappear

I am Depression
And i make you sad and empty
I am Anxiety
I make you fear and worry
I am Stress
I make you tired and aggravated
I am a parasite
And I keep you skimming above the bottom of rock bottom
And I will most likely fail...