Why is it that nothing i do proves anything anymore
You keep rereading past chapters
And ignore my rise from the fall
I want nothing more than for you to see how far I've come
But change was never an option
For me at all
So why do i bother striving for better
To prove you wrong?
To make you proud?
One day if you ever shut your mouth and open your eyes to see all that i can be
You'll be proud of me and i can rest
Making amends with my 10th grade regrets

Longing for those that destroy me:

Could be the diagnosis
Or condition i fear to be diagnosed
Could be daddy issues
Or mommy, or both

I strive for days i feel the sun
But those days come few to none
Instead i feel the moons stare
And watch its friends nod me on

Do you remember the times spent sprawled across your bed
when we never noticed or cared when the sun had set
how you'd trace patterns into my shoulders
and I'd pretend to fall asleep;
anything to memorize how it felt between your sheets.
I miss the fire in your eyes when you craved my flesh
I miss your unforced smile, the scent of cigarette on your breath
it feels like weeks have gone by since I last felt your kiss
I guess it's the life in you, that's what I miss.

Imagining a day without you has proved to be impossible
You've grown under my skin,
Whether you're a main artery
Making sure every drop stays within my veins
Or a vital *****
My back up brain when mine chooses to backfire
And i am terribly selfish for needing you so
But i'm afraid i cant let you go

Buried underneath ***** clothes,
Im rotting away like the half eaten food
I somehow managed to get up and make
some weeks ago when the sunshine
didn't scare me half as much as today.
Embarrassed of the state of me,
i clean up nice when friends call and ask
for me to come out and play,
and for the first time in days i go outside
and feel the breeze on my pale and oily skin.
In the strongest attempts at hiding
my easy-read
children's pop up book of expressions
that even the blind can interpret,
I manage to force a smile,
the same one I've practiced in every mirror
for the past 5 years;
A smile so big that even i think its genuine.
Not a single soul sees past this,
not my friends nor mother or brother.
But somehow,
maybe because of the countless hours spent with him,
maybe because my cheeks get tired and i give in,
he knows of my charade,
see's i have no sense of direction but downwards,
and gives me a weak grin;
The one you give a child
when he asks if his goldfish will wake up,
or if daddy will ever get better.
We know its a waiting game
for my imminent implosion,
the ticking time bomb buried within my mind,
set to self destruct at the next pull of a trigger.
Accidental or not,
now or later,
my come down will be our last;
A commitment till the end.

You're trying to be anything but what you see in the mirror
everyone says you're full of this potential you can't see,
as if there's something more to you
some hidden side
subdued glimmer of hope.

It's been 16, 17, 18 years and you still can't see
through the eyes of those around you.
Everyday you peer into the mirror
and only see you,
never changing, nothing special
lackluster in comparison to what they all see.

One day something will happen and you'll see
or one day someone will come and help show you,
That you are perfect, you are loved,
and you are full of potential.

If I had it my way
I'd spend each day by your side
and each night in your arms
for the rest of my days
for the rest of yours;
No quarrel shall last
more than an hour
no tears shall be shed
out of sadness;
But most of all
no longer shall your heart
ache for me at any time
for I shall always be there
when you need me most.