"You've got a good head on your shoulders"
Words set in a phrase I always seem
To question
If it's to be told that I do
Then why does my head still seem to bite
Always choosing to fight
Why does my mind run overtime
Murdering all temporary happiness
Why oh why does my mind
Try to play trickster
Saying some fake bliss
Lies within the slicing my wrists
How can this be
That people still believe
A good godly gracious mind still exists
Within contemporary society
Or that even it lies with me
Let it be
That you see
My systematic way of showing you I'm okay
Lying in sinful word
You stare awe
As "this good head"
Is not as graceful as you once saw
Tip toeing  through time
where others tread triumphantly
I tread to try just basically survive
As words be written ****** up
Symphony of pain
People seem stare in awe
As manipulating agony
Seems to stall
This fake sense of happiness
To take its toll
On this so quoted "good head"
Laying upon my shoulders

We speak of equality
But do we truly know what we mean
Or do we just scream
Words to be heard
Louder than the rest
Take a breath
Count the beats within your rest
Enough is enough
When will the screaming be enough
The belting of ballistic insanity
Sent upon on humanity
By the very same melody
Bearing its fangs  
To sing of rythmatic systematic screams of the hating pointing to blame
As the love in the world dies
In a blistering flame
Will this ever be enough
Will be the words engraved on humanity's tombstone
As it burns beyond the grave
We built

White Dragon Boy 
eyes glistening upon the sky 
Swirling and flying along in Avalon
Free as ever was
Knowing the world finally set you free
To your actual form 
White dragon boy
With eyes as green as emeralds 
The scales telling a story 
For my lifetimes to learn 
Soar high white dragon boy
As your feet transform back to talons 
May you release the fangs 
And rip yourself from death's claws 
White dragon boy fly high 
And let those brilliant scales
Glisten your form on all 
Who love you 
Saying to them your melody of roars 
White dragon boy
Your life take by another 
But your mind always yours 
As the symphony you sing transforms 
It's sings the song of relief
Flying free from predenoted titles 
Of the human vessel
To form into the roars of who you are 
White Dragon Boy 
Soar high 
And roar your symphonies loud

Silence
Fill inside the box
Rhyme a few words to society's rythmm
Repeat as if a nature to set aside a story
Dignified declining the beat of another
Just setting it to subside
No
No more
My story deserves its own time to unfold set
To a beat not of society's drum
But to the way i want my words to flow
My story does not stop
At the predenoted titles once thrown at me
My battle never ends
Fighting with my mind
Battles
Much more angled to hurt
Than the words of the shunned from society
This is the rise of the outcast
The one from shadows
Finally speak of a way many do not understand
Manipulate the words to the way of my symphony
Drops the disgust and add your words
Away from the disguise of humanity and society
Into the own adventure of words
Where the dragons and Phoniex fly
High
No longer bound by the words chosen before them
By the foggy shorelines as the sirens sing
Let's meet there
As the symphony of our words
Mixes with the Sirens lovely song
And the crashing of the waves
With the sound of
Final Freedom

Know your place
quotes from the time of society
linger within the years 
that Define the beliefs that's around mankind 
but never evolved
endless Classics 
That Shine from our history to our stories 
when will we learn to shatter 
Those chains of the past 
And see ourselves more than 
-a place

Rise from the depths of Despair Humanity 
Learn from past mistakes
rise Up From the Ashes of the dark times 
become a lot of what you need to be 
Stop being fearful of what you don't know and learn to embrace you cannot see
become a phoenix glowing brilliantly 
For you can rise from the Shadows away from the depths of hell
For you can make your own destiny

I don't dare to say I seen the darkness of the world
I don't dare to believe I understand everyone
I cannot comprehend why others try to set their selves into our shoes but don't quite fit 
why cram your feet into a shoe
That you can never fully explore 
the woman who lived in the shoe didn't know what the shoe has gone through yes it's an inanimate object but has a story laced within its time 
does not completely understand the shoe of 

-everyone else's reality

I write from the lost memories of 11 years I blocked out my life the darkness decided to corrupt me too far that I became scared and hid that dagger that's slid over my mind was not the same dagger that slit my wrists open I was suicidal once those thoughts just don't disappear you decide that it's the only Escape because you can't see a light you try to trust in other people but you lose the ability to the thoughts flood your memories of which you thought you had a decent time but now you're just fearful of anything happy because you can't see it because you're blinded by which the darkness you want to see because it's easier trust me I lived in the dark it doesn't help it corrupts  and becomes permanent
Are you going to let fear slice open your life as a blood of life just flows out are you going to finally try to be happy or you going to block out every single last thought that you can have and just put it into some stupid empty words are you going to write a suicide note are you going to live and speak because trust me your story needs to be told in this world you are not alone we all Gather in the same belief that we need help that we want to succeed in which of this is life or we die we've all had some type of thought that promise that made us sad we all wanted to punch a wall and cry why can't we unite underneath the darkness to make the new light why can't we just be the Puppeteer rather than the puppet when will we learn that
- our Darkness makes a shine brighter

Have you ever played the one of Game of Life what if this didn't happen where would I be now why am I taking these daggers to my mind of which are memories have you ever played the game of if this didn't happen What would be the retrospective today
If this person didn't believe this person
 didn't **** you
 this person didn't commit suicide
 and die
 where would you be now how would your story continue would it be the same would it be different will you finally be happy or is that actually not what you're supposed to be are you supposed to be able to help and learn what do you want to run and hide from because the only thing that's happening still isn't the memories it's the pain it's the scars that you keep ripping open that you keep picking at the things that happen may be long gone trust me I understand but it still hurts that's because you can't find what you want to find you can't find somebody to tell you it's going to be okay everybody does but they all seem so Hollow to you you need to find the you that will actually say it's all going to be okay you can't keep forcing it because that is just opening up daggers which rip open scars
as the true
- Battlezone is appearing

The true Blind Ones
For young age we are told to submit not to submerge into ourselves we are told to be sorry of ourselves and what we say we are told to surrender not to be aware of what you're saying is incorrect right is anything
we are told to surrender of which is our adventure of this life we are told to be incorrectly be bound to the stories of society bound you're

told me of what another person desires as we are just craving that desire to finally be set free and no longer silenced we are told to hide our Darkness as weakness we are told that it is not good we're told that it's going to corrupt us as we cannot be corrupted by light
you told me happy with fake smiles when something is bothering us
Truly what are we teaching Our Generations but the fight by losing their sight

- of Their own adventure

Dear Teachers

Dear teachers who always thought I had nothing to say who always believed I was The Silent One no one knew of my Chaos in my mind Symphony Of Sorrow sang louder than anybody else's speech no one could figure out that I felt the way I did do teachers who never seem to approached me I understand you were scared for I was already aware I was a freak I was a nobody in which the sight of God will never accept
 dear teachers the ones who always shunned and silence to me the one you finally set to the burden of Silence is finally speaking out the difference is not of what you need to know but acceptance is to know that we are both commonly seen of what you believe is under the reign God that you preach so much to me
dear teachers who always looked at the other ones as a common inconvenience we finally refused the silence
 your darkness is not ours as
our story finally refuses this
- burden of Silence

Dear father
 it's not my fault my mind works overtime as it is not the same as yours my mind works in a different way I'm so sorry I was not the way you wanted but the way I wanted to be from birth to now I am who I am to be I let you control me for too long with the agony of the slicing of my wrist the pain that you saw taken  upon your child
That is no longer my reality is not shatter to the words of which you speak my words are not silenced by your needing of my conformity disownment by disassociation was not of what you wanted as I was a tool of your disguise hiding away from the world
 dear father you disowned me for the man I fell in love with you just owe me for the person who saved me from the reality of what you shattered if you wish to tear me down I have another by my side my Army is behind me you will never see the battle war of my mind again disownment the act of being disowned by your own person the person who tells you they love you but then goes back and regrets it disownment seems to be a word that strikes so far with you for you to do it with your only child disownment all those countless days and nights of pain wishing for death gone disownment the unhappiness of which I just became my own person
 disownment the end of the story you seem to --

-know so well

It's not my fault that your tool turn to Freedom that your fate that you wished only to end decided to make a new story of anger Rises From the Ashes to make a new the story of which I create is not attached my dignity does not lie within your unhappiness my life is not lie within your hands Rise From the Ashes of a phoenix typeform my mind works overtime but not in this lifetime of yours I am no longer the tool which brings you to anger I'm no longer the child that you wish to have because I'm not the one who's going to be a Slave to your desires 11 years blocked yet I don't think they were misery my mind blocks away happiness because all I could see was that pain and abuse you put me through no longer is that the case my words turn to sword my pencils Turn to Armor I no longer and contained by your page my story is not upon yours learn to fly free from your own dignity your egotistical mind of which  causes your misery
Learn of what you've done because I'm not tied down to your story I've learned to create my own my own page My Own Adventure I'm no longer Damsel in Distress waiting to be murdered  by the Dragon
Rather the dragon that finally set free this isn't a Hymn of hatred this isn't resentment this isn't a symphony of hate
It's of my story of which I can relate it is a Tale it does not start or end at you it is my own and you have no control I am no longer your puppet so learn to write your own because that Birdcage you set me up on those change you trained by Wings down
-Are gone

Silence conform
 be of Who You Are nothing more that is what Society is teaching us this is what we are adapting to we overestimate all our sayings in the power of which we believe you'll make us evolve foreclosing off options if no one will see the enemy that we are fighting is nothing besides us slowly destroying isn't only the animals but the ones who try to tell the story
silence conform be from what we are our information what we are Will Tell Us Where to Go silence conform you know what we are follow the words of which that came before
 silence conform follow the same rules while Society deems everything unnecessary

 silence and Conformity will **** us all if no one ever can see past that barrier passed the fog of which is societal standards if no one can think outside the box there will be no box just the silence and Conformity of utopian society which isn't peaceful at all just closed off from the world. 
                    silence and conform the
two deadliest swords

The worst enemies be of the Mind created moments before we silently sit and Ponder our own worth
As our doubts become our despair taking the form of a dragon setting for your destiny to be a fireball
of which we will never be indestructible
doubts make us crumble from inside
As walls begin to form like trenches
From that fireball we lose the drive which sets us to live
Blinding us to flame which holds our misery
Waiting for someone to drive us away from that pain
Never seeing the full potential of self
We become a dragons test dummy
Rather than the tamer
As once said by the one i held dear
We can be the tamer or the dead
The in between is the same feeling of wanting to be dead
So treat that as its own quest
In which you can't see what you have to lose
The sight being so cloudy as happiness drifts by
Open your eyes before the tides of your tears
Wash away all you hold dear
Open your eyes
The sight of happiness may appear
Open your eyes so you become the tamer
Open your eyes
To ride the dragons
To your new adventure

Luck
never to be in my ball court
As others take and have taken
pity on the person who speaks of a father
As a pathetic place never to return
Predenoted titles of insecure or unstable
Chucked at me like a simple game of dodgeball
As impact was made each rooted me to
The pain staking portion of my past

Always seemed to stared at in remorse
Never to be seen as anything more than anxiety
Those eyes to haunt my current and past
As titles get chucked my way even more
As the old soaks in
As if a sponge to reality can take another blow
The dark times spoken of in my words
Only shine of beauty to those who don't understand
They don't see the chains
Holding me down to the ball of their predestined titles
As darkness shields my eyes
safety was sought as someone to understand
Seemed to slip away hopes of mine
The time which one tried to understand me
Shook loose as I proved they didn't
Couldn't comprehend my pain
Left in its place was that word of unstable
My past
Proven to be dark
Iratates me as no one sees my current
Besides those open to the idea of life
Beyond borders of past
For those people
Who can truly feel the ringing of my words
I gratitude
As my story may finally
Be seen through that of darkest of times
My ideals change from darkness and misery
To longing of the next adventure
No longer chained by the ball of reality
I write within these words
A slow depleation of those who live
In and for the darkness
For those who are trapped or for those in fear
Must believe you are not alone
As you are people who shine brightest in my eyes
As you all are the ones with a story worth reading
for the eternity to come
Words silenced by society
Rise like the flames
And burn those predeemed titles
Prove you are more than that dark time
Spread to the society that so many are bound to in their mind
Burn
Flames of no pain
But rather
Realization

A game played by so many
As if they are the puppet masters to the reality in which they
Appear to falter
The excuses thrown at the board like the dice among gamblers
Trying to stop time from escaping their grasps
The role in life we play as one may very
Upon a vast amount of reasons
But chuck your excuses elsewhere
The time continues to tick
Even without you
As life takes you like a tidal wave
The sand follows through
As life becomes the hour glass
Never waiting for you

Bathed by the side of the glistening of the blade
Sure to be burnt out of sight
by morning

My heart drops
As I've seen my people die
but never the face beneath that mask
as the burning was the least of the troubles
i want to say i am scared
but all i can do is stand and stare as the same
repeats
I thought i was over it
a scar of past long gone
now torn open once again by my fear of the place of my "home"
putting all together
became the chaos of my mind
the enemy behind my family's massacre unmasked
emotions flooded beyond belief
the blood of my people dripping onto my eyes returned in rage
and the grief tore back open
the scent of the smoke burning it down brought the denial
and the belief brought the dread of the knowing
now chokes me as it surrounds my skin burning into my skin
the marks of my land long gone
the language from the land i loved
becomes closer to my tongue as the speech becomes all too near
that it stings like a dagger i wield but sliced myself with
been  told to simply forget but these people i believe to love at one time
im not sure what i feel much more
confusion of rage and hate becomes tears streaming down my face
i want to speak but im silenced
by my desire to not let this repeat but the belief it will be too late
i stand back as a child of fear
among the shadows i live
in the shadow of a dragon never seeming to escape
my words yes my own
but seems all too soon my light is zoned in on one part
of this annoying life
to return home i have to figure out what i need to learn here
but memories flood throughout the night
the nightmares replace the dreams of freedom as sleep is scarce
i am silence like a child ....
staring in rage and fear
of what do i do next

Natural world 
Oh how beautiful 
You appear in photos
Without the human footprint
So peaceful fo you seem
Almost hard to believe
Yet not fully out of sight
That the beauty shines that bright
Yet there lies the land
Destroyed mortal man's hand
As humans lie
Beyonds a era old
Blindfold 
Made up of greed
We lose sight
Of what we truly need
The peace
Becomes unstable
As trees fall
The song of nature
Put to greed's beat
Destroys what we have
Which lies beyond the sight of man

Invisible 
does not mean not there 

Intangible 
does not mean nonexistent 

This is the glitch of a mortal man's mind 
If its not shown 
its not there 

The earth cries 
Its not heard 
to a normal mortals mind 
its not as important 

Greed 
forms a blindfold 
but can not be seen 
Because its not to be seen 
besides by the people who can fully comprehend
such terms 

So truly 
we really need to think 
do our words really mean what we believe 
or what we perceive 
cause if not 
it plays the wrong symphony upon 
the heart's harp

Messing with the mortal mans mind's music

Anguish 
Desperate for understanding 
yet seeming to be dragged back 
as a mere child to fear 

love pushing forward a step 
but fear dragging me back 600 

love can break walls 
but so much builds them so fast 

how do you expect me to keep up
when you cant even let me in 

i want to cry 
hide my tears in shame 
away from all
away from him
 
i just want to 
hide from it all

once more 
my mind states
but my mind believes that 
one more time 
will be times a trillion 
the times you leave me to cry through my words 
'when you leave me be
"for my good"
i hate to say it 
i cant be in solitude 
i met you my words lit up for 
that of a split second 
till we had to bid farewell...
solitude almost made me commit suicide 
times too much to count
i want to be yours 
i don't want you to disappear out of sight 
i fear if i let that light 
dimmer 
or even simmer out of sight 
that surely i must be dead 
soon to be following...........

I'm tired of dread 
Spoken words bout dead
Time to be joyful for what I was given
And glad 
For the hand that fits within mine

Occult 
Witchcraft, Spirituality 
Any term as such not fitting 
for the such of a topic 

These terms used often 
yet not fully understood 
I question if there
truly is anything beyond a perspective
and intent

How can you claim something evil 
in this world 
as intent is a puppet to perspective
and perspective can be the 
puppet of intent

As such follows is there anything 
Evil or Good 
as a common general ideal 
or are we that who decides 


You decide 
if you play to the hand of perspective 
and intent 
or 
stand and create the fragment of reality 
Your mind 
Can finally be at peace 

It's a game of chess 
the next move 
is yours

Balance 
many see as duality 

Good and evil 
simple right?

not fully
to consider that to be how it ends 
is closing our minds to the man
behind the strings 

Balance is a concept 
not of pure oblivious minds 
rather minds 
who believe in peace 
past the lords 
and lows 

We got placed upon this floating rock
why cant we see past 
hating a portion of humanity 
at a time 

why must we see random men 
become soldiers
to fight in useless wars

"OH look we gained resources"
that may last a week 
before greed kicks in

Do you not see it 
the more and more 
we use

the more and more we **** ourselves
the more and more we fight 
among ourselves of humanity
the blinder we grow

Will you fight these words 
Or finally see 
peace isn't beyond that to be 
foreseen 

The choice be in the hand and mind
of mortality's side
Will we **** ourselves in
the chess game of greed

Or rise as a new mortality of mankind
The choice is putty in our hands
Now just to see 
How will we 
Mold it

Insanity
Is within my sights
Dignity lost within my rights
My act of sleep comforts 
No more
Wishing for the relief no more
Sanity lost in upbringing
Joked upon never having any
Insanity corrupting my insomnia
As sleep 
Never becomes a relief

Exiled
Prisoner to my own mind
As i stand on a battle field
Made out of neurons 
My emotions 
The aftermath
Of battle upon memories 
People ask me 
Why can't you be stable
I just want to scream
That's not helping me
Yet all i can whisper up
Is leave me alone
So once again
Stuck alone
Within 
The battlefield of the mind

In these times
i believed so distant
to be non-existent
i dread life

i say i love him 
making him my life 
sounds so cliche 

i wish i could say such at this moment 
i was so sure
it feels so far 
that first time we smiled 
though many miles apart 
i believed him to be my life 
feeling his light so near 
as an embrace of my lover 

these times are the keys
to the locked part of my mind 
the ones i enter 
and see all the photos of my memories

the room of grief 
upon agony as my tears swell up
as everything i believed in comes to mind 
and crashing like the ocean tide back at me 
not to embrace me 
with such light anymore 

i feel like ive gone in a circle ive always seen
i want to trust 
yet i remain crying 
upon this room 
i want to be free 
but i cant move....

my eyes submerged into the photos of my memories
my father getting stabbed...
my grandfather dying 
seeing things others find nuts
being put through abuse of life 
and father 

i begin to wonder why am i alive
as the rooms shift 
a blank white wall
all too normal to belief 
yet all i can do stare

hospital 
the word that comes to mind 
taints my eyes as the white becomes
a blinding light 
and a hospital bed is all i see
staring down at my hands all i can see is my heros hand
cold 

insanity takes grasp once more 
as it shows me like a lost puppy 
the direction
as another who i believed in 
but died...
all i felt was fear as my wrists became scarred 
and a knife dug into my back

i lie there 
pondering if i wanted to truly die
and if i still do 
as reality comes back
among my sight restored
to the white ceiling of my room
i see blood splattered on my room 
and believe such to be true in due time

if this fears you 
brings to tears or anger 
my apologises 
as this is written as feelings of my reality

trying to understand me is to accept this 
to realize what i see is glitter and rainbows
to see i am scared
and not to disappear 
to love me is to be the guiding hand 
to be near me you must see 
i am much weaker 
than put out to be

if such is not alright my apologises
as my silence will be 
as a probability of fear 
my words become of distant memory 
as many 
disappear
with this i must say goodbye as the belief 
in my mind 
is to speak it 
but the walls block such 
as once be stated 
love me as me 
then further to understand me 
will be soon of greater truth

Seconds before release 
tears shed down peoples heads 
the grief of the world falls upon their shoulders 
distant memories brought forth by the shock
as if the tidal waves bring pain forth
from old joy 
As the reaper knocks upon the door so near 
a sudden darkness grabs hold 
as a flood of tears stains the memory of now 
im not here to say its all going to be alright 
im not here to say that i understand what you all go through 
rather to say that im here 
if you wish to have a shoulder to cry upon 
The seconds before death are filled with despair 
and fear 
of the knowing there is no more 
memories to be builr 
the creation of our own fortresses to be torn down 
smiles are vanquished as fast as the happiness once felt 
The love is so close as it encloses people to see
that their with them in all they do 
the flowers bloom on both sides of the fence 
stating that you may live in honor with them in mind 
or you can dig your own grave by the corpse's side
live in the love that will never vanish 
pass on the peace of mind that you will remember them 
before the seconds of how they died
Some speak of oasis after life 
or a cloud of happiness 
if so im sure they are having their time of peace and release 
times may be hard 
as shock is new 
but remember the ones you have physically 
and the ones who will always be with you spiritually and mentally
love and honor the ones gone 
by living life and smiling 
as you know their peace is to come as they sink into oasis after release 
those tears shed are all good and fair 
but smile because the one that is believed not to be there 
is watching from afar 
Live with the love of that who you did and do 
as release comes to peace for all those 
believe that of 
truth's smile

Not of my body
Nor present form

But of my village I held so dearly
Watching my loved ones die 
As they scream
From the agony
Telling me to run

Tears mixed with ashes 
Fell
As I ran from the flame stricken home
Noting the distance I was as my greatest nightmare
Became my reality

The cave listened to my sobs 
Of many years
Until the dreaded say
I believed I was strong enough 
Came....

My village reeked of ashes and smoke 
The death killing all
My family's skeletons 
Shined bare within the dirt
Memories flashed
The dances 
The festival
The group happiness
.....all gone

The trigger was pulled 
To the gun that shattered my reality
The dance once
Of pride and freedom to the village
Encoded 
Beyond my furthest memories
As a distant tear
Rolled
Down
My cheek once more

Oh how so 
Like long ago
I cry in the name of my people 
I cry beyond their gravesite 
No longer covered
By ash 
But shadows of the, past 
I cry....
For the life I loved...
Gone back 
Into....ash

Uncertainty 
Fills the air like a nauseous gas
As emotions are dumbed down to tears
Confusion seems to rise 
Or does it 
I'm not so sure
Something is off
I want to cry but cant bear the touch of water upon my skin
I care about people 
But I feel
As if i have fallen into a deep hole
Almost numb
To the emotions I used to know so well
So, confused
As all I begin to feel is I am my words
As words are all I am

Abusive father 
Molded my mentality
To think life is war
Shaped my dignity 
To stab my hope
Crumbling emotionally
Physically abusive
The chokehold you did to a door 
Stay on my neck for eternity
Abusive father...changed
Ha yeah right
My ignorance fueled the fire 
Of niave me
The toy gun you chased me with
Of noise to scare
The way you held yourself 
Egotistical menace 
May be called
You shrug it off
For you do as you please
Abusive father
Such a term no longer fitting 
As you massacred my stability
Believing death was so much easier
You say sorry
But your words are hollow
Took me 2 years to find someone
To finally give me stability 
The power to believe life is better than death
And you exile them
My topic of this poem may be written in rage
But to none other than you
Your denial lies pitiful 
As you wish me to return
You bribe a relationship with your kid
Solely you try to fill 
That of an empty bottle of apologises
You no longer 
No
Never by my side 
You terminate your existence among mine
As you see one I care for to be of **** of the earth
You don't look in the mirror often do you
You would see a source being of a human in front
Abusive father 10 years of torture ends here 
Your puppet be of free 
As your strings they fall to the floor
Walk the path as you may 
For it is your own 
But don't forget 
These words 
Abusive father 
You can not care for another 
If you don't care about the vessel
That souless vessel of despair 
Look into the mirror of humanity you will see
The man without dignity

A cat's sudden meow
Breaks the silence
Laying upon my soul broken bed
Staring upon the blank canvas
Of my ceiling
....i question
Am i truly alright 
I imagine the sight
Of scarlet blood shattered in an array of patterns
Sliced from my pale wrist 
I think of all 
The terms sought before me
All the pain
Ive lived through
And stare at that blank canvas
And ask why
Why was i born to an abusive father 
Why did i live in my hell 
And survive
Why didn't the pills
Knives
Slices
And choking work 
Choose your destiny
Apparently mine was to survive
All left to me are my words 
Stated on a new blank canvas
My words 
Filled with blood and tears
As the process remains
The story becomes told

Born not of such yet spoken
Upon terms 
A process of nine surgeries 
Just to lose

Colors not of absence but 
Of dimmer 
We are not black and white people
So pass that beyond your thoughts
As you stare at us in awe 
Asking "what bout this that and the other thing "
Tiresome same old song

I speak for me 
As i am who i am
Those questions frustrate me 
As i am compared to a dog
See me as one 
Not as a freak 
Believe me 
Im not blinded by the light of love
But dimmed by the sight of those who see me as freaks

Tick
Tock 
Tick Tock 
The clock on the wall begins 
The haunting sounds of my memories flood
As the time runs 5 more minutes 
As i sigh from the 
Sleepless night
Deprivation of rest 
Better if it was of memory as the clock plays
The familiar tune 
It begins 
Tick
Tock
Hours gone by 
Wondering can I die yet
Tick tock
1:50 pm
Strides by
A distance shred of sanity
Bellows in the wind
And 1:55 approaches its gone
As the land of memory began
I try not to cry
Yet a river forms upon my desk
Of familiar tears 
The same tears so long ago
As the world bent and broke me
By that first 
Tick tock

I want to go home
I scream at my bedroom walls
Wondering what I mean
For as obvious I am
In that of my physical house
Wondering
Where must I go 
How far is home
I cry myself to sleep
Wondering if I'll ever feel complete 
I shake useless thoughts out of my head 
As the dawn approaches
Staring out at my dark stricken sky
Wondering why
I must awake another day
I throw myself into my bed
Crying my tears 
For the unknown
And the missing
Sometimes wondering do i just need to die
Shaking this from my head 
I speak the words I must survive
Yet all appears to be a lie

My love 
Struck by grief 
Followed by the blade of one who said they cared
Carved its way into my back
Alongside my heart
Arisen to trust 
No person in sight
Recoiled 
I became
And I frightful of us
The lover I knew 
Now was gone 
As what stood before me 
Was a monster 
In a man's shell
That believed he had won

I was scared as another approached
My fright in sight
As he grabbed my hand
And said itd be alright
Later to know 
As my smile grew
My lover to be seen through my words
Can tell my story 
As he is one I wouldn't mind an eternity with
So long as it's a life
My heart beats 
To the rhythm of a new story

So I speak out 
For the story
The belief of abuse to know no end
Is all a figment of mind
I was abused for false love
By the guy I designed
As he become mad
I become glad
That I went through 
To find my man 
To steal my heart 
To make a story with 
Glad That monster 
Turned to make anew
As another girl is happy
I'm glad as I love you
My dear other half

the kiss of death 
I wish it so easy to obtain
as many hear me wish to die 
reply 
then just do 

I render useless to such words 
as my story seems to defeat me 
the cries of pain 
fill my dreams 
despair speaks no end
as yet another domino falls to suicides place

ive tried seems to anger people 
im not sure why 
as I tell my story 
I see people cry 
yes ive tried suicide 
my notes for them hidden under my bookshelf
I tried 17 times
never seemed to hit the right vein

Just die echo in my mind
as many speak its melody
of past and now current 
when called out 
with yeah right 
I want to cry in a corner 
and stare at my scars 
both emotion and physical 


So yes 
Im scared alright 
and ive seen the kiss of death
so please stop 
the symphony of scars 
and yes
ive wished for the kiss of death
So just 
stop

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[ Titleless ]

In these times
i believed so distant
to be non-existent
i dread life

i say i love him 
making him my life 
sounds so cliche 

i wish i could say such at this moment 
i was so sure
it feels so far 
that first time we smiled 
though many miles apart 
i believed him to be my life 
feeling his light so near 
as an embrace of my lover 

these times are the keys
to the locked part of my mind 
the ones i enter 
and see all the photos of my memories

the room of grief 
upon agony as my tears swell up
as everything i believed in comes to mind 
and crashing like the ocean tide back at me 
not to embrace me 
with such light anymore 

i feel like ive gone in a circle ive always seen
i want to trust 
yet i remain crying 
upon this room 
i want to be free 
but i cant move....

my eyes submerged into the photos of my memories
my father getting stabbed...
my grandfather dying 
seeing things others find nuts
being put through abuse of life 
and father 

i begin to wonder why am i alive
as the rooms shift 
a blank white wall
all too normal to belief 
yet all i can do stare

hospital 
the word that comes to mind 
taints my eyes as the white becomes
a blinding light 
and a hospital bed is all i see
staring down at my hands all i can see is my heros hand
cold 

insanity takes grasp once more 
as it shows me like a lost puppy 
the direction
as another who i believed in 
but died...
all i felt was fear as my wrists became scarred 
and a knife dug into my back

i lie there 
pondering if i wanted to truly die
and if i still do 
as reality comes back
among my sight restored
to the white ceiling of my room
i see blood splattered on my room 
and believe such to be true in due time

if this fears you 
brings to tears or anger 
my apologises 
as this is written as feelings of my reality

trying to understand me is to accept this 
to realize what i see is glitter and rainbows
to see i am scared
and not to disappear 
to love me is to be the guiding hand 
to be near me you must see 
i am much weaker 
than put out to be

if such is not alright my apologises
as my silence will be 
as a probability of fear 
my words become of distant memory 
as many 
disappear
with this i must say goodbye as the belief 
in my mind 
is to speak it 
but the walls block such 
as once be stated 
love me as me 
then further to understand me 
will be soon of greater truth

This isn't for anyone
As my words are my tears alone

Dreams flood my mind
All of these times 
I can't wait for this that
Or the other thing
While my mind speaks another dream 
I want to die
To feel the slice of a blade upon my neck 
As a necklace of blood lies there
Say I need help 
And all this
I try
It hasn't done any good
Beyond reversing to tear open old scars
I'm tired of living
In a world where a sight of the day 
Is another person's drama
It's like going to a theater 
And all that's playing is some 
Person Snapchat Instagram or personal story
I'm tired of not fitting in
Ever heard of the story of
The extrovert 
Turn introvert 
Well news flash we aren't all silent 
Dead do speak
Dreams tell our stories 
As people say what a shame 
And break us further 
I'm tired of being told I'm to blame 
That there's this tiny switch in my mind
That can turn it all off
That I'm broken and can be fixed 
See the abusive father who was is 
The least of my issues 
Which no one ever understands 
I say this and its like deer in the headlights 
I want people to be themselves
I'm tired of all these
Masks
Facades
Why is all I ask
So yes 
I'm broken in the eyes of humanity 
I'm torn to the shreds of a monster 
Those eyes are what form 
That blade of my dreams
That will finally slaughter me