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Tea Jun 2013
82 inches of smile
Kind domineer
Complete full love for life
Like a tree my eyes
Gauging you, scuttling up
The six foot ten stature
Packed admiration
What a beautiful thing
All those cells working
To create this magnificent
Human being
Part of human-kind
And he is both
Human
Kind
And he is a seed that is planted
Inside my head, he continues to grow
A tree inside the forever forest of thoughts
As tired eyes, drift off
Tea Nov 2015
I asked you when you find me most attractive… wondering if that would help. Perhaps that's not the question I should be asking in the first place. when do I find myself to be the most desirable version of myself?
when i'm in the eighth hour at the studio, overalls covered in mud, brow furrowed problem solving out in clay. I am **** as **** when I forget the world around me long enough to create something I find to be beautiful captivating and alive, something amazing out of dirt.

When I empathize with someone's heart break, with their loss, with their lost, with their depression and ugly parts. When I don't stand above them looking into the whole they currently live in with sympathy and a sandwich but i crawl down to meet them in the dark spot they are. So they inside me, when someone does something despicable.. when hurt and sadness bites down on my throat and I can choke on the knot that is refusing to go down smoothly and I manage to articulate myself through all that is drowning me from the inside out, when I say something so true that those around me get choked up and the person who is doing the hurting hears me, I am brave, I am beautiful then, when I take a stand for something I really mean.

I am beautiful when I get up to go to work again and again, when I go and go and still notice the laughter on the streets, the children puddle jumping and can remember why I do it all. I am beautiful when I find the motivation to continue, when I am or am not at peace with the world or with myself. I am beautiful in my struggle and my success.

When we were at the wedding with your family, I choose to take of my shawl so people could see my tattoo. I decided to because I had decided It was time to be myself unapologetically. I may not be what everyone sees as perfect, but I am something to be proud of not hidden, in that moment I was beautiful.

When I see myself in those around me I find them to be beautiful, even the ugly parts. It’s so human isn't it. I feel like myay angalue could never have said it better, we are all capable of know they are not alone, that I can relate and I love them. when I tell them thank you for sharing their problems without shoveling silver lining down there throat. When I have the courage and vulnerability to meet someone where they are, I am beautiful then.

the moment before I sit down to drive. when my heart tries to flood my body with fear and anxiety. When in my mind I can think I can't do this a hundred times but I still sit down and start the car. When I feel my breath change and I am embarrassed that this simple everyday thang has such control over me and I wonder what you must think of me, but I move forward. I shift, I drive,I do. I am making my own choices and I am beautiful then.

When I sit under your arm, on your chest and I feel your warmth, I feel like I am a part of something. I feel safe, and at home, I feel wanted and I feel beautiful. I feel like I am desired and I feel desire.I am beautiful then

when I feel that fire burn everything a human has done, we are all made up of the same things that make up the human experience it's just the parts of ourselves we encourage to grow that makes the difference.But it's especially beautiful when i see myself in youthful smiles, acts of kindness, small acts of defiance against what is always accepted as the truth. I am especially beautiful then.
464 · May 2013
Today 5/26/13
Tea May 2013
Heavy lids blanket over lenses I see
The world through
Captured light and movement
Moving me through the soothing day
Laugh and play
Climbing hiking and woodsy earthy smell
Distracting from the hell
That is
Your sickness
Even through pure bliss
I can’t miss
The tortured sad feeling I get
When I come to see you
exhausted , tired eyes begin to cry
Sleep finally takes me
464 · Sep 2013
creativity holding me
Tea Sep 2013
I feel as if 'im being held up above those I love
inside a glass ball
encapsulated but able to see it all
rolling along palms of hands I love to hold
inside I let creativity unfold
As I paint and spend my time up hear
the glass is not longer clear
creativity hiding me
in the strangest way
as paint stroks block the view
of older different days
as creativity hides me
my friends can hardly find me
so i paint a mural of them smiling
i still feel them holding me up here.
461 · Jul 2013
whisper
Tea Jul 2013
We lay under a tented plush
Skin so warm
A boiling blush
Your smooth voice
Lower to a honey hush
You whispered
Childs play in your eyes
As do I
You lean in, I push up
Electricity, we light up
Even in the darkest night
We shine brighter
Then the stars we sight
You are burning livelier
I draw you in
And listen
To the sound that beckons
The grown you make
heart quickens
My favorite sounds to listen
Miro I fancy you.
I really do
I just want your whisper
Tea May 2013
She sat down next to me and we opened up
As if we had been friends for years
She told me her life
As she came close to tears
Spilling into me
What had taken years
And I lent her words
And she lent her ears
And I talked and talked
And listened so close
Because the words exchanged
Felt so raw, so exposed
Feeling nearness
Feeling understood
Like life outside of me
Wasn’t misunderstood
And at the end
She asked me my name
Beauty in a stranger
I’ll never be the same
the world really
isn't such a lonely place
456 · May 2013
Summer smiles Fade and Fray
Tea May 2013
Summers smiles shed and fade
Happiness dissolves to gray
Relationships twist and fray
And I promise them I'm here to stay

Summers heat simmers out
People distance with doubt
His touch cooling down
I step back to look around
Frozen there, in fear and terror
Alone in a crowed, a single smile in a sea of frown

Summer breeze starts to stale
Remind myself to inhale
And force movement where it is still
I force against gravity and will
And smile
I will
Tea Jan 2013
The torn parts are now puckered and scared
Time healed in a sort, not in the same
Limping across memories, lame
Hurting is a curtain
Hiding my strength
I think
Ill wake
I think
Pain, resolve leaving me
Just like he did
Just like I did
Torn parts are now puckered and scared
Tracing the pain in my past, only bits of it last
Walking through time
It crosses my mind, I’m strength
I am strong
Pain only barley holds me
I think
I’m awake
I think
450 · Apr 2013
EMPTY SPACE
Tea Apr 2013
Empty space

I dream up ways to fill that empty
When I dream at night you are next to me
Pressing, encapsulating, enthralling,
Calming, alarming
Make my heart race faster
Then fingers chase after
The outline of my face
Pacing your heartbeat
With mine
And time ceases to exist
Nothing does but that kiss
Hum. Buzzing with excited life
Hands clutch at my bareness
Gasp so slightly out of breath
Because you feel all of me
Dancing intertwine
With the mister I had in my mind.
Inside the empty left behind
Unloved but I am fine.
Tea Feb 2015
You said you don't hate me.... paused and said always
pain painted in flushed cheeks, upon a face with no light left
a long time ago I made myself a book
let an artist leave a million words
in black lines across the top of my foot
It was a tree(me)
holding on to a beautiful barn owl (you)
stopping just short of your name
I thought of you through each pin ***** of pain
and now more then ever I am glad
you sit between my toes and heal, facing up from my foot
its the only part of you that is still with me every step of the way.
445 · Jun 2013
I dont know.
Tea Jun 2013
Not knowing is part of the human condition
The words
I
Do
Not
Know

Are the wisest of them all.
Because admitting to not knowing
Is unlocking your mind
And allowing yourself
To explore possibilities
That before were unfathomable
*Free yourself, that’s the key
439 · Nov 2015
Harborer
Tea Nov 2015
I want to be at the harbor, not to be one.
I want sea salt waves to lap at my toes
Not to hold on to this until I explode
Please I just want to go, not be this.
I cant shake the feelings of being left behind
The fact that I can strip down naked
And you see through to the other side
I am searching for you gaze, like the one you use to cast
I want to be at the harbor,not to be one.
The one you look at last.
So I search for any place to be
any place at all, as long as that place isn't me.
I'm crumbling and dull
I cant hold on to all of this
I wont anymore.
sitting at the harbor
letting waves take what I cant be
letting the harbor, harbor me.
438 · May 2013
Can't fight my freedom
Tea May 2013
Can’t fight my freedom
Freedom is inside of me
And you run after trying to find in me
Something you have decided resides in me
Flies inside a lie
A truth you think you can make
But I am not everything
Stop sculpting what I say
To make me what you may
Want to be with
I don’t want a kiss
I don’t need a hug
Just a friend and that’s enough
438 · Feb 2012
My friend
Tea Feb 2012
We held our hands and the world tried to break us
We held our gaze because hate couldn’t shake us
We felt alright because we were there through the night
We watched the world smudge with fear
Violence in innocents tears
I could handle it all, because most of all
I knew you would be there
I knew we would be there
We listened and learned
We would both take our turn
Big sister I’m sorry I missed you
And now you forgot, but I still have not
I’m so sorry I missed you

We held hands because the world tried to break us
We held our gaze because hate couldn’t shake us
We felt alright because we were there through the night
And through fear and neglect
Through insanity and confusion
And roughhouses bruising
I’m sorry I missed you my friend
I’m so sorry I missed you
I would just kiss you
And now you don’t need me
Now you can’t see me
And now I’m just missing my friend
Tea May 2015
you hold on to me with such intense gravity
our paths circling until we collide then
rewind time and start over
meanwhile i just want to pause this
stay next to you.

who knew loving was so hard
even when we are among stars
I can not hold on to you.

you are always coming or going
my mood weaning and waxing
this long distance costing and taxing
I can not hold on to you

a year has gone and pass
i have seen you through all of that
full faced and half hid
you know I have seen you
in every mood there is
I still can not hold you

eyes layered like forever galaxies
complex star lite forevers tightening
around an abyss of darkness
green blue strands of iris circling
a pupil, feels like a starry heaven
Just wanting to hold on to you
I would let the stars fall from the sky
If you would just stay one more night
Im falling for you.

Why can’t I hold on to you?
Tea Aug 2013
Something is bitter sweet
That you will never read
What I write
Words that explore
Inside your eyes
Between the lines
What surface hides
How sweet you are
Tender, kind
Awaiting the moment
To see something
Less… but all I find is honest
Is more, is blessed
The only flaw I see
Is how clear I can be
Because you see right through me
But you didn’t
So even that
Has fell flat
Brighter and burning through
I just wish to touch you
But my dreams are calling me
And you have no desire for me
So tell tomorrow tell you call on me
Either way, tomorrows brave
Tomorrows bright
Tip toe reaching for the sky
Tell I take flight
wave and smile
say goodbye
tear fogged vision
streaky cheeks
sun light mission
passion peeks
new journey to wherever it leads
heart will stay heavy
until i hear you speak
silence is the only grey
In my rainbow life I chase today.
416 · May 2013
I Dare You.
Tea May 2013
I dare you to call me beautiful again
I will punch you in the throat
so words will make choke
I dare you
Tea Mar 2013
I fall and weep
And tears stream
Heartbreak breaking inside
Terrified of myself
Of what I am without anybody else
And I think out loud


Who am I


And search inside
To realize
I am ******* beautiful…


And you who hurt me so
Should realize I cry tears of gold
I break and burst through the mold
That my emotions free me
I’m a sea of meaning
Strength has not escaped me
And I am fear and saintly
I trust, love and lust
Live and fly and cusp
On the self I am working to be
Changing myself
Changing humanity
And I break loose
Free as a bird
Singing songs
Not of how you hurt
I hurt
But how I love so sweet
And anyone not willing
Has met a
Sad cease
Ending at where
I am only beginning
I am nothing short of beautiful
So sad you haven’t seen it
I'm bright color
In shades you haven’t seen yet
404 · Oct 2019
Woman
Tea Oct 2019
I take up space because I am valuable.
I say that as I eat and rejoice in my outward growth
Delighted in food as it hits my mouth, and how it hugs my body.
I say that as I stretch out on the bus
Tacking no less room then the man spread that is so recklessly unaware of itself.
I say that as I raise my voice refusing silencers
His voice will not penetrate an overwhelming truth, no matter how loud he speaks over me
I say that as I stand tall, combating the overlooker
I sway surly and head held high as I am worthy
As I celebrate my *******
Praise the blood that shows my strengths
I cast away the thought that a bleeding thing is weak
Is it not true that he has been known to bleed too?
I take up space because I am valuable
Treasured for my thoughts and wholeness
I say that as I work out, muscles showing
My strength oblivious to the male ego, without fear of being any less of a woman
I say that as I challenge myself and others
Because meekness was something I was taught, not something that I am.
I say that as I refuse to be consumed
I am not a product for pleasure I am a human, a consciousness with feeling.
I say that as I really am, as a goddess, a queen, an equal
An individual with agency and determination
As I celebrate my character
Praise the misguided for building me up
Refuting the idea that blood is shameful
Because my womanhood is in part my pride
I say that I am valuable very simply,
because I am
396 · Sep 2014
911 Just human
Tea Sep 2014
Its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
crafted those walls full of names
names of people that were loved
that fell in towers
smoke filled air and fire fighters
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
reminded america we are all the same
whispered words of fear
Into every American ear
tears and ash
floating past
our unity in suffrage
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
since nine eleven really meant something
so here is a I love you
to every person that you knew
who has been condensed
to a name on the list
an i love you to every human
who has ever stood
missing another or digging in ruble
looking for a friend
Here is an I love you
to every one who is missing
The carved out letters in a loved ones name
In suffrage we are all the same
just human
389 · Jul 2013
where is the noise
Tea Jul 2013
Her little yellow face
Her week voice it shakes
Frail thin waste
Wasting, fear lit
Eyes find
She is lovely
Sweet, divine
But time runs
Her eyes closing
Curtains fall
But she is still posing
Laughter’s fled
Smiles wear
Eyes tear up
Im far from here.
I love you
Heart ache
381 · May 2013
Tonight
Tea May 2013
I just want someone to touch
To feel hands hold
My tired withered soul
Have them slide down my thigh
Until they find a sigh
Supple lips, and twinkled eyes
Exploring me with delight
Someone I can hide in
To trace my face and lift my chin
Pull inside warmth
Breath out words
I love…._
380 · Oct 2015
Love letters
Tea Oct 2015
I love you like a five year old loves puddle jumping. Like fire-flies like flicking on the light inside them. Your a smooth well held stone as familiar to my touch as my own skin... examined again and again you begin to stretch. More like the sea then any old stone I begin to understand your love from me, I realize I was hardly holding all of you inside the palm of one hand, your encapsulating. I have been to church and heard them preach, how is it no one ever teaches about the heaven that can be created right where you are. I have never found faith in old made up words but you have me believing in new truths. I'll treasure you like farmers treasurer rain, like Christians treasure there own salvation, how curiosity feels when finding out the answer. You make me feel like the surface of the stillest pond inside a rainstorm, all of me remaining, even expanding but shaken up in the best of ways. I have cared about you from the moment I met you, I love you now and always. love your roomate<3
380 · Feb 2014
FAST HIGHST
Tea Feb 2014
Life a series of experiences that I lust after so let’s lust, lets love, let’s make this something fun
Helping caring let’s start sharing our adoration for each other like it’s contagious
We could start laughing and spreading happy like it’s wildfire
We will be two lovers that cross, like flowers stock that holds our heads up high
Accidently shine so bright that we cease a fight and it inspires more
Stumble on to world peace, like you stumbled on to me, just because we love right.
Silence struck when we touch tight
Inhale, exhale and your breath runs a fast highest
Stealing my breath from my lungs so I am alive like...
Shining fire flies beating thrumming life’s high, High on life let me get my words right ,I’m diving in without the stars light, because the dark isn’t scary, unknown quite as Leary if you lived a hard life, and words don’t fit or sit right, rolling around my tong like, a switch blade knife, curdling like milk that’s spilt last night, syphon sadness from addictive madness but that’s just fine like, I have my happy and I have my light ,and ill beam brighter with you by my side….so smile. Burn bright, be wild. Whatever the unknown holds, we will have it unfold, lay down like a red carpet for us to walk on, spot on, we are a symphony, rock stations getting rocked on, whales song in the ocean, you always said they are like boulder of the sea, sweet sound captured and encapsulated in a Stoney twinkling, like the color in your eyes when stubbornness arise…you are my pleasure wrapped inside a sigh, future wrapped up inside blurred lines, and I’m wrapped up so let’s untie. Kiss me back until we fly. Sorry for the cheesy love poem but I’m not, because you’re the hot spot, you’re the bomb.. Word rolling off my tong like smiles curl... corners reaching up like we move through this world… you have a white girl nearly rapping, just stop and feel what’s happening… what’s happening

Shutter, stutter… sampling; we are the best taste on a platter of now happenings. So stop sampling and start gathering we have a feast of the now and happening! Mind blowing intricacies, how we bob and weave, we are a fabric of all the love we haven’t had yet and are about to receive … of all the opinions not had yet, lay me down in a bed get me wet and, I bet we light up like fireworks… life just made ups meet…organic always tastes this sweet, because we make time spent together feel better then diamond rings. So sit down next to me and we will grow in to something even better <3 so here is a song, a poem some words to say we matter.
Tea Mar 2014
he said it was sad. How the moon and sun seemed to be a pair that where drawn to one another but the earth just was in the way. I thought that it was silly to think of it that way. The moon and sun were just a couple in love who stopped to watch a flower unfold. In the span of time that life boomed on the world was relative to use, what a flower would take to unfold its lovely colors and inspire happy. We are part of why the world is so lovely, we are in part something beautiful and the moon and sun are nice enough to notice. We should at least take the time to see how happy they are together.
365 · Jun 2013
one moment
Tea Jun 2013
Humid summer air drags as my lungs
Force it to move, it tastes almost stale
Like stagnate water
I feel the life around me
Pulsating, vibrating wriggling
Buzzing and I am acutely aware of my surroundings
A regular group of people
Pooling together
In a social pond, everyone’s fishing
I’m not.
I see you
And every move you make
Every time your cheeks pull back
And your lovely smiles shine through
The cloud of normal life
Every time you reach down to embrace
To say hi
You slow down the pace of my day
Of my life, as I take in, slowly
Such a fleeting thing.
364 · Dec 2012
Stupid Game
Tea Dec 2012
I don’t like to wait on them
Don’t make them wait on me
Have no intention of breaking open
Breaking free, just wish the dating world
Made more since then, gee
A baby dear trying to devour me
I don’t want to sit there,
Eyelashes a bating
When I hear couples laughing
And I think he is cute
I don’t want to small talk
Or to run around a bush
Just to talk about something real
Why is it bad to say, hay
You are awfully charming.
I hate this game people play
Rejection can be alarming
I just need to say
What a stupid game
It is, that we as people play
Tea Jan 2013
Afraid to be loved less
That my deepest fear lays right hear
Amongst us hear, it want to lay to rest
At night when I close my eyes
I know that people leave
When pressure tries to break you
And time out waits you
Sun beaming down with vehemence
It ends the same
Same old story
Whoever loves less
Walks away with glory
Without a chip
With no block
just carry on
with my key
That locks away
What I don’t say
I‘m afraid to love you more.
364 · Aug 2012
I just want to leave.
Tea Aug 2012
I loved you and you didn’t love yourself
I set you free and I hoped I’d be okay
Hope that the lost soul would find a happy place
Maze leading to a space
Were math problems weren’t the only way to make a mistake
Just to put your faith in something to really believe it’s true
Maybe that’s why we are broken…
Because you never believed in me an you
Because my honesty could never fix
The sickness you invent.
Your hiding from the sun, was to keep it out of sight
The fighting for happiness that you never felt was right
It makes since you would care less, you just don’t have the fight.
I fought for you so very hard, and I know that you cared
But I step back, breathjng so hard I can’t hear

She is so young
She can’t even see
You would put her there
Where I use to be
And you say it is the same
And now you don’t believe
What was I fighting for?
I just want to leave
355 · Mar 2013
I want to know
Tea Mar 2013
I want to read the chapters
In the book you tuck away
To understand the habits
You found in different days
Sculpt the sweet smile
That’s painted across your face
Hide inside the arms
That seems to turn away
I don’t know if it is me
Or if it’s something else
But I would like to know
The warmness that I felt
Tea May 2013
I worked 12 hrs straight today, and my feet don't hurt half as much as my heart does. And my body turn, run like wheels, only a fraction that my mind did. Trying to figure out how to un-notice, un-like and un-love. It has never been a Strength of mine to forget, only a weakness when I need to remember.But my feet do hurt, my mind is over worked and I feel, just feel my heart , and I hurt. To bad you don't know I am beautiful.
349 · Aug 2012
I just want to leave.
Tea Aug 2012
I loved you and you didn’t love yourself
I set you free and I hoped I’d be okay
Hope that the lost soul would find a happy place
Maze leading to a space
Were math problems weren’t the only way to make a mistake
Just to put your faith in something to really believe it’s true
Maybe that’s why we are broken…
Because you never believed in me an you
Because my honesty could never fix
The sickness you invent.
Your hiding from the sun, was to keep it out of sight
The fighting for happiness that you never felt was right
It makes since you would care less, you just don’t have the fight.
I fought for you so very hard, and I know that you cared
But I step back, breath so hard I can’t hear
She is so young
She can’t even see
You would put her there
Where I use to be
And you say it is the same
And now you don’t believe
What was I fighting for?
I just want to leave
345 · May 2013
Where did those faces go?
Tea May 2013
Step, I take a breath
Turn around, who is left?
Anger pass, guilt is gone
I ran so fast, and now I’m strong
I pant no more, but breathing soars
I look, search
Try to see
Past thick masks, tall, tall trees
I turn over rocks, I avoid the bees
Slight sting, in the back of memoirs
Where are the people, where can they be
I look for their faces, why can’t I see?
Few stand where many had
Their faces glow, and I’m not mad
Those few have shown me love
But I still search for the ones who have gone
The rocks began to shake, the earth it quake
I stop looking, and I will wait.
343 · Sep 2014
no room for two
Tea Sep 2014
I may be feeling lonely. his touch has lingered and drifted in the wind. I may be feeling lonely but I am doing it for him. He has school and I have work and we work to make things work.. but is it even working. I remember when it was play. when laughing was like breathing and night gave way to day. i am feeling lonely, your hands to far to hold. tonight is kinda chilly, your not here to keep me warm. I count out days until i see that sunbeam face , the rest of time seems wasted. Like life is on hold until your in my hands and i realize its kinda sad. I only have you on the weekends. I count away the days. Binge on your lovely when your close enough to taste. I listen to your voice and all it has to say. I listen but you echo off the empty walls and space.I want to fit into your life,I would make all the room for you. But two lives apiece cant spare the room. Fit into me, into the folds of my hand. You are the most lovely, i just need you to understand. Even in our distance I need to feel you here. I want to wait for you but its hard to do a  half *** job form here. I ride out on my emotions and its becoming so hard. maybe harsh to say... but riding out every missing you is leaving me with scars.You cover me in love, the finest kind there is. But its bliss is lost when its ripped away. I feel like a oceans tide, in love with sandy shore. I feel at home until i'm pulled to far. I only know how to love you right. When did a half *** job become the answer that wasn't easy. I just want to hold you tight.I just want to love you right.I would quit my job and catch the next ride... but there is no room for me in your second life. So i may be feeling lonely. But i am doing it for you. I may be living here but its just because there is no room for two.



* no edit just pure release. This poem is helping to heal my heart and for that I am grateful.
339 · Aug 2014
Confession
Tea Aug 2014
I'm just saying after a three week long period I still feel beautiful, just tired.
That even if I am alone thinking of you is what gets me off
that even when I am sad I feel like the luckiest person alive
I nearly have stopped wearing lipstick, not because I don't want to show off my smile, because I don't feel like I have to prove that its beautiful anymore.
I smile at strangers and they smile back, they must know I am thinking of you
I am always thinking of you.
I feel like sunshine must feel
so warm and so bright
I love you.
Tea Jun 2014
Night blankets us. My small twin bed turns into endless space and I only wish to be closer to you.You say you love me and I know you do, you search for me in your sleep. I will never turn you away. Twin beds will never be to small to hold us and the night will never stop feeling so warm. I love the dance we do fitting into each other. Fitting in the ways we see the wold, our perspectives being electrically charges like socked toes on carpet. Your honey covered voice will never stop making me sweet for you.The things you say have me falling in the most enthralling way.The energy rolling off your skin is enough to power a force inside me that faces life with the expectation of happiness.So my love lets be happy.
333 · Sep 2018
Body of water not of flesh
Tea Sep 2018
Fingertips buoyant and dancing
skim across shimmered skin
my breast turn to moving sea
you stand on my beach
youthfully observing
tossing rocks into a stilness
making waves into ripples
my body is full, beautiful, endless
you want to dip into me
want to know me
want to swim.
Someday you will realize
there is no way for you to hold all of me
not at once.
That I am not the body you want.
You will forget me
Turn other bodies into water
No not water but
Bouncing ripples of flesh,
Into waves
Dancing your fingers across their skin with thirst
Forgetting all the ways you have been quenched
Forgetting my body of water for a sea of skin
All that love and i'll turn to rain
I will remain the most beautiful, and endless body
But water wasn't what you were looking for
so sorry you cant hold all of me at once
too expansive to only be a body
to much meaning to just be the sea
yet still to little to go around
still just one
Tea Nov 2017
I am always doting on those in my life, I worry, I pick up all the heavy things so they can feel lighter. I am a care taker, its in my nature.

you were the first and only person in my life that wanted to take care of me.

At first it was awkward.I did not know how to sink into this kind of love. The kind that held me up, the unconditional kind. I felt like an apology falling from the lips of someone who has never felt regret before. Even now with three years practice I feel the air being taken from my lungs every time you find new ways of loving me.

You turn coats for homeless people into a warm wrapped gift for me. The unsaid words that I have nothing to be embarrassed about in my past. You take a trip to that second hand store that I use to have to shop at. The one I was embarrassed you even knew I had went to. And you turn it into something beautiful.

It has taken me years but I finally figured out why you don't wrap your gifts.Its simple really because the object have always been the paper. I still feel like their are ribbons and bows every time I receive one. Your gifts are always containers.They hold a concept or an idea. Perhaps they hold the universe. I think they might , because they are always growing and changing what they mean to me, always expanding.

You once wrapped a gift with some beautifully hand crafted earrings. It was a note saying I see you and I love your creativity, I think you are beautiful. You wrapped my past embarrassment in warmth and empathy. You once used A letter box you decorated in hand pressed flowers to wrap up the idea that you always want to talk to me, even if you are far and cant receive phone calls. You said you always will make time for me even if its as slow as snail mail.

How silly I was to think you gave me unwrapped gifts. Its funny how time can tell you new truths. You are the greatest Gift. Thank you.
Tea Aug 2014
you change like autumn touching the soft of green leaves gold. You taste like sunlight licking at the surface of an alive body of water. Every ray bouncing up to caress the bottoms of clouds. You are among the most lovely of sunsets. Birds in flight try to rival the corners of your mouth…both looking epic as they rise up. Your heartbeat mimics hummingbirds wings, triumphant of the wind. Don't let such a small thing seem less, no less than what that triumph meant in the perspective of the bird who is amongst it’s seemingly endless struggle. You are boundless, like a caterpillar that has found its wings but grounded because you too once walked the earth and felt life's harshness. the only thing calloused about you is your fingertips, whose only thing they pull at are guitar strings, my bangs from my eyes and my heart strings with your name on them.I derive immense pleasure from what you are made from and what you make with an old guitar and two sets of strings. You are something to write home about.I love you.
Tea Mar 2019
I am still pulling small fragments of you from my soft skin
Still finding pins of you in small places
Scrubbing until I bleed I still find pieces of you buried
My body rejecting parts of you that I have long ago grown over
Removing splinters that irritate and hurt me
I feel like I have removed all of you
And some new piece gets pushed forward
I can’t wait until I am free of you
Until I push out all of this poison
257 · Nov 2018
letter to me, before polly.
Tea Nov 2018
A letter to myself before I identified as polysemous.

1. The idea of meeting a stranger and only defining them based on what they mean to you, and not the relationships you already have is thrilling, and honest, and joyous.
2. The pressure of needing someone to meet all your needs is lifted, in this their is freedom. Take the time to feel it.
3. You will have more people who love you, love is endless and you don't run out. You can love an expansive number of people... their is always more water in this well.
4. Nothing will prepare you for the moment you realize you are capable of loving two people at once.
5. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize he can only love one.... and its not looking like its you. You will cry. You should have seen this coming he was never good a multitasking or balance.
6. although truth is usually your friend, you will find days that it is to hard and to brutal. He will look at her in ways he cant at you any longer
7. You can feel alone in a sea full of strangers or a room full of people you have hand picked... it depends on your feelings. On others smiles.
8. loving him as he slowly fades will be hard. Not regretting your choices in some moments might be too. But don't punish yourself for being capable of loving at such a great capacity... If loving was a Olympic sport you would have gold.
9. Actively shaping your life and customizing it to you is what its all about. Think about your needs. You matter too.
10. Its okay you still love him. Its also okay to love Chris. Its all going to be okay.Its hard to see now but their is reliance is spreading out your love. Its loving to limited and too little that you need to worry about. I love you too.
240 · Nov 2022
Some days
Tea Nov 2022
Some days I am hideously alive

Decomposing memories

Deeply trenched in manipulation

****** noses and broken hearted…

dark circles and scabbed over

clotting and bruised

Festered wound pushing out poison.

Some days I am defective, calloused and weak

Some days I am gnawing and farel

Less human and more lizard

Puckered scars and blistered skin

Healing isn't always pretty

Some wounds get infected

Bones have to be reset…

Abscesses drained

I survived…

But I don't have the same skin

You wouldn't recognize me

I'm breathing

Some days that hurts
234 · May 2019
fire over feminine
Tea May 2019
She spoke fast and furious
over time she saw he never heard it
She folded away all her curious
slowly tucking them into his jeans pockets
button up shirts crisp and ironed
her warmth does not come from the dryer
So tears welling up inside her

if God really did exist
then why did he make her like this?
destined only to please men
They both say her existence
no matter her repentance
could ever free her from this sentence
a second class citizen from the moment of her birth
a second class sins again
as she dreams of life outside of
pleasing him
she sins again
when she stops fitting in
she sins again
Shes resenting them
For the fire over feminine
she thinks at least I am not one of them
Shes only happy to not be a man
Because she never understands
How to hate women the way it demands
Hands
Strike
Match lights
Sins again
She fights
He sighs
Sets fire
Inside her
Watch her burn
Says it's God's work
216 · Oct 2018
Loving Oregon
Tea Oct 2018
hail falling on silent still surfaces
your words break up my calm
like clouds release rains on days they feel light
you let go of old angst and loneliness
in exchange for new smiles and hope

mist hugging mountain tops
while loving arms open up
asking me to explore
I lean into you
Feel nature embracing me
212 · Feb 2019
what you feel like
Tea Feb 2019
Moments before you hit cold water
Silence holding the still surface of fresh fallen snow
**** wiggles of a cat who has locked on to its target
Small inhale right before an *******
Sunshine kissing your cheek
Riding on the handlebars of your best friends bike
Blanket fort filled with wonder and shadow puppets
Solving the puzzle, fixing the thing
A smile across tear filled cheeks
Finding a misplaced laugh
A twenty dollar bill found on floor
home.
# new love#chris
209 · Nov 2022
Love like honey 🍯
Tea Nov 2022
That night we wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even you cried
I let love hang like honey
Sweet and so pure

The next day was different
You loved me at my worst
Triggered and tangled
You held on so tight
I fought and was frightened
So scared to be right

That day I wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even I cried
I let love hang like honey
So sweet and so pure
Stuck in you love
Safe and secure
197 · Apr 2019
Love me like a light switch
Tea Apr 2019
Your fingers trace the door frame, searching
until you find me, grouping in the night
you flick the switch
I feel seen by you
light touching all the parts of me
usually left unnoticed
You see me light up
glow exposing all the ways into my thoughts
then you flick the switch
Darkness hides me and you forget I am there
Like the depression that took lights place
ate up every thought of me
am I even there now?
can you even see me?
how can you turn your love off like that?
Please keep the lights on....
196 · Apr 2019
Unicorns and horses
Tea Apr 2019
I feel like you hold all of me
see all of me
but I'm heavy sometimes
and a lot to look at
I guess that's fine
you feel like an air balloon
but when you are not feeling warm
we start to fall toward the surface of the earth
your desire for me only present when you
want to look at it and make room for it
like you can feel the gravity of us
but its tacking energy you don't always feel like giving
why is it that I fall for those smart enough to see what I can give
but too tired to pour life into the dreams I show them
like knowing a unicorn exists
but horses are easier to take care of
eat less hay
they see that I am special but not as easy
why do I have to be less to be more palatable?
My ability to care for others makes my partners shrink
feel like guilt in not wanting to try like me
they don't want to love like that
This love is too much... energy and life and thought
they don't want to as bright as me
they just want to feel my fire
not to put energy into its light
I can't be less to ease your guilt
I can't be less to be easy
I can't be less for you
I can't be less
I can't
177 · Nov 2022
Love is a knife fight
Tea Nov 2022
Love is a weighty thing
Soft sometimes
Always sharp enough to keep you bleeding
I always felt the harder you loved
The farther the fall
The kind of fall that kills you
I started imagining the impact before feeling it's warmth
I would negotiate with myself
"A punch to the face would ease the lonely"
I had been choked out by the hands that held me
To be touched was not breathing
Love is a fist fight inside me
Is wreckless abandon
Love is a weakness
Always being exploited
A knife fight
And I have nothing left to be taken
Love is a weapon
Love is a word
An empty feeling left unheard
Love is a knife fight
A weighty thing.
Don't ask me to love you,
I could never
I care for you to much
Tea Aug 2020
I know how old love turns to torture
how your burnt lungs fill with water
how rib cage restricts heartbeat
how mean you move away

I push through old scars and burning houses
Try and make something from ruble, ashes
soot-stained skin and smeared mascara
ocean pouring from my eyes
and endless void makes me cry

you run from me
I am drowning
I try to hold on to you
I
Can't
Breathe
why
don't
you
just
leave.
If you sit here so empty anyway
just dying to be somewhere else
each moment killing me
all I want is for you
to love me as you use too.
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