If I could build a future out of yesterdays hope
I would have a charming home
A quaint oasis that I built from our old love

I would have manifested our children
From stardust and cat-like curiosity
Their chubby toes would point them in the right direction always

If I could architect a future out of empty promises
I would have more than a deflated reality
An image of a home whos outline wavers
Ella’s name would not be make-believe
Her laughter would have filled my hallways
Her eyes would be known and her whole self-cherished

If it were possible to make out of what was taken
I would make my gate from recycled doors
That way I could have privacy
While always remembering how to let others in
how to stay open

I would show you how to blow air into a balloon, we would watch it fill up
So you could see that even dreams need something tangible to breathe life into them

I wish I could create with the disappointment you filled my life with
It is so abundant, it would be so practical it is littered throughout my memory
So much of what I am left with I can’t use to build, its *******
I cashed in five years just to realized you were a bad investment

If I could build from your lies a home
I would spread my capacity for caring softly across the surface of each room, like wallpaper
I would remove the hand-painted sign that read
"My home is where you are"
Because I have proven you are not the essentials needed
to make a house a home, I am.

Once I was told the universe was nothing and then it became something
Maybe this void that holds the space inside of me
Where my future plans and dreams dissolved
Where a skeleton of my almost family and life died
where the plot to build the home that will never be resides
Maybe that’s where my big bang can start

I need to make something bigger than the life I planned with you
Ill turn this nothing into something
Just watch me breathe life into my new beginnings
see my new home I build when the bricks are not soft-spoken manipulations of the truth
but are real bricks that bear weight and hold things up
A real home

She spoke fast and furious
over time she saw he never heard it
She folded away all her curious
slowly tucking them into his jeans pockets
button up shirts crisp and ironed
her warmth does not come from the dryer
So tears welling up inside her

if God really did exist
then why did he make her like this?
destined only to please men
They both say her existence
no matter her repentance
could ever free her from this sentence
a second class citizen from the moment of her birth
a second class sins again
as she dreams of life outside of
pleasing him
she sins again
when she stops fitting in
she sins again
Shes resenting them
For the fire over feminine
she thinks at least I am not one of them
Shes only happy to not be a man
Because she never understands
How to hate women the way it demands
Hands
Strike
Match lights
Sins again
She fights
He sighs
Sets fire
Inside her
Watch her burn
Says it's God's work

Your fingers trace the door frame, searching
until you find me, grouping in the night
you flick the switch
I feel seen by you
light touching all the parts of me
usually left unnoticed
You see me light up
glow exposing all the ways into my thoughts
then you flick the switch
Darkness hides me and you forget I am there
Like the depression that took lights place
ate up every thought of me
am I even there now?
can you even see me?
how can you turn your love off like that?
Please keep the lights on....

I feel like you hold all of me
see all of me
but I'm heavy sometimes
and a lot to look at
I guess that's fine
you feel like an air balloon
but when you are not feeling warm
we start to fall toward the surface of the earth
your desire for me only present when you
want to look at it and make room for it
like you can feel the gravity of us
but its tacking energy you don't always feel like giving
why is it that I fall for those smart enough to see what I can give
but too tired to pour life into the dreams I show them
like knowing a unicorn exists
but horses are easier to take care of
eat less hay
they see that I am special but not as easy
why do I have to be less to be more palatable?
My ability to care for others makes my partners shrink
feel like guilt in not wanting to try like me
they don't want to love like that
This love is too much... energy and life and thought
they don't want to as bright as me
they just want to feel my fire
not to put energy into its light
I can't be less to ease your guilt
I can't be less to be easy
I can't be less for you
I can't be less
I can't

I am still pulling small fragments of you from my soft skin
Still finding pins of you in small places
Scrubbing until I bleed I still find pieces of you buried
My body rejecting parts of you that I have long ago grown over
Removing splinters that irritate and hurt me
I feel like I have removed all of you
And some new piece gets pushed forward
I can’t wait until I am free of you
Until I push out all of this poison

Moments before you hit cold water
Silence holding the still surface of fresh fallen snow
**** wiggles of a cat who has locked on to its target
Small inhale right before an *******
Sunshine kissing your cheek
Riding on the handlebars of your best friends bike
Blanket fort filled with wonder and shadow puppets
Solving the puzzle, fixing the thing
A smile across tear filled cheeks
Finding a misplaced laugh
A twenty dollar bill found on floor
home.
# new love#chris

A letter to myself before I identified as polysemous.

1. The idea of meeting a stranger and only defining them based on what they mean to you, and not the relationships you already have is thrilling, and honest, and joyous.
2. The pressure of needing someone to meet all your needs is lifted, in this their is freedom. Take the time to feel it.
3. You will have more people who love you, love is endless and you don't run out. You can love an expansive number of people... their is always more water in this well.
4. Nothing will prepare you for the moment you realize you are capable of loving two people at once.
5. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize he can only love one.... and its not looking like its you. You will cry. You should have seen this coming he was never good a multitasking or balance.
6. although truth is usually your friend, you will find days that it is to hard and to brutal. He will look at her in ways he cant at you any longer
7. You can feel alone in a sea full of strangers or a room full of people you have hand picked... it depends on your feelings. On others smiles.
8. loving him as he slowly fades will be hard. Not regretting your choices in some moments might be too. But don't punish yourself for being capable of loving at such a great capacity... If loving was a Olympic sport you would have gold.
9. Actively shaping your life and customizing it to you is what its all about. Think about your needs. You matter too.
10. Its okay you still love him. Its also okay to love Chris. Its all going to be okay.Its hard to see now but their is reliance is spreading out your love. Its loving to limited and too little that you need to worry about. I love you too.