There's something insidious
In the way she smiles
Quirked lips painted blood red
Eyes foggy and greased with thick shadows
She'll purr, her tongue tickling your skin
Every word she breathes is air to your lungs
Poisoned with smoke
She's an aphrodisiac
She'll make you forget everything
Fill you with nothing
Until your brain is swollen
And numbness settles into the deepest scars
You'll think of nothing but her
And the way she smiles

I watched as loved ones
Became crippled with despair
Anguish and agony
Twisting their lips and limbs
Until all that's left of them
Was a broken, burdened mass

She cried out for me
Pleading for me to take it away
The memories, the pain
She says it's making her insane
Her madness is a poison
Seeping and seething

I watched it all
As if it were happening to me
Every pill, every blade
Every vile word she thought
She thought about herself
Her worth was nothing

She cried
There was nothing I could do
I tried to help her feel more
Feel everything nothing had stolen
But her trembling fingers
Took more and more and more
And more

Until there was nothing left

Wandering through every darkness
The creature has never been curious
Shadows cast the only illusions that matter
And the creature has never been curious
But that tiny girl
With her eyes wide and wandering
Her smile sure and unfaltering
She cast a shadow greater than the darkness
Tempting that creature
Tempering that creature
It followed her into the worst of places
All beautiful, serene
All lonely
It followed her to the edge of the darkness
Where she lit a flame
Ignited the entire world
And even then it followed still
The creature was never more curious
Of the tiny girl whose courage
Conquered more than any light ever could

Why do professors think we can read one hundred pages in a day
Why do professors think we only have their class to worry about
Why do professors
Why

As a consequence of life my heart is calloused and cold
My skin has hardened over scars both painful and old

There was an old soul
Down by the old mill
Where we used to play
With sticks and stones
We built forts out of bones
Of our loved ones
Like broken glass and broken ribs
Stolen children from their cribs
We wandered lost for some time
Chasing memories into the fade

Ask me
I’ll say I’m fine
But between you and I
I’m not
My nerves are shot
My lungs are aching
With each breath
I force myself to take
And every smile hides
The broken heart
And the withering mind
Because I’m not weak
I don’t know if I’m trying to convince you
Or myself
But I say it anyways
I’m fine

I've got a hole where my heart used to be
And a void fills the space
Thicker and blacker than any darkness you've ever known
Ask me if I care
Ask me if I feel anything other than a numb, hollow ache
I promise my answer will disappoint you

White ashes
Like stardust
Cover this place
A thin blanket

White ashes
Like old dust
Cover this place
Untouched

White ashes
Like snow
Cover this place
It's cold

White ashes
From old flames
Settled
Into their new home

A fire raged on
Burned everything
Ate wood and flesh
Took life and brought death

It started in the darkness
Illuminated the shadows
Leaving black coal
And white ash

Consumed
Until the earth was scorched
And barren
And lifeless

Roared
Like a beast
And feasted upon
Sleeping bodies

Died
When it killed
All that it could
Like a reaper

Gone
As easily as it started
Burned bright hot
Now cold as ice

All that's left
Is an acrid smell
Black coal and
White ashes

Here where I lay
Consciousness fades away
And in its place
Filled by an empty space
Is where I sleep
Lost in dreams so deep

I only feel good at night
When I can wear the shadows like blankets
And the solitude like a shield

I’m surrounded by sleeping minds
Ones wrapped up in dreams and other realities
And I’m sensitive to the possibilities
All their minds can conjure
And in my waking state
I capture all their imaginations can create
And I write it all down
In my little blue book

It’s not that I fight against sleep
Sleep is one of the only states I can bear
Unconsciousness is a welcome form of escapism

I seem to only write when it’s dark
Which may explain why all my concepts and ideas
Make other people shudder
All of us have an innate fear of absence
Absence of light
Absence of meaning
Absence of love
Absence of everything

I’m afraid of losing my mind
And not being able to find my way back
Mistaking my imagination for a warped reality

Lips trembling
I fake a smile
Because
It's much easier
Than answering
All the questions

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Can I do anything to help?"

I know what I should feel
Isn't what I'm feeling
And the whole world
Just wants to help
But they don't understand
I'm doing this to myself

"Call me if you need anything."
"I'll always be here for you."
"You have to talk about this, please."

I don't want to talk
But that's not because
I think no one will listen
It's because
Words sound hollow
And I'm feeling so empty

"You have to fight this."
"I believe in you."
"You're stronger than this."

I'm just tired
Of being told
That some day
It'll be better
And the pain will wash away
With each grain of sand

"Time heals all wounds."
"You're still so young, so much to live for."
"Tomorrow will be a brighter day."

I'm the only one
Who seems to see
I'm the only one who can fix this
Not you
Not time
Not talking

Me.

I can hear you singing
And reaching out to me
Through the grace of this breeze
And in the warmth of the sun
It’s like your hand is gliding against my skin
My mouth is empty
Full of things it can never express
And I owe you so much
It doesn’t seem fair to leave you this way
But I’ve walked, and I’ll keep on walking still
Until there’s an entire Earth between us
I’ll stay where there’s no wind to carry your voice
No sun to touch what skin has been burnt
And I won’t say a single word
And I’ll try not to feel anything
Because I owe myself that much, at least.

Cold compassion
Like a kiss that’s sweet
And a bite that’s raw
Cold compassion
It’s the only thing I feel
The only thing I have
Cold compassion
Fills me
Defiles me
Cold compassion
I’d die without
But it’s choking me
Cold compassion
Like a mist to cool the pain
And a fire to scorch my brain
Cold compassion
Is all ******* lies
Worn out cries
Something I love and despise.

Oh mighty banana
Whose shape has been ridiculed
And whose yellow is no one’s favourite colour
You’ve been labelled so many things, including a fruit
Which is so unfair, because you can be nothing but what you are

I hold you in my hand
And I feel your cold skin, a reflection of your loneliness
And I think how hard your armour seems to be
But as I peel your outer shell back, hearing the ripping of your banana soul
I know a softness, so sweet, awaits

Your innards are mushy
Your texture is rough
Your taste leaves my mouth dry
If I had a sense of smell I’m sure you’d be just as plain
No wonder no one loves you

I toss your empty, lifeless peel away
Enraged by the lack of satisfaction
As you land I pray I forget what I just experienced
But alas, mere moments later
I burp, and am haunted by your stale taste

We fell
Out of love
And into pain
And we look into a past that will forever remain the same
Same words
Same lies
Same bitter goodbyes
And that’s why
I will not count the ways that I love you.

As the numbing pain lingers
I can't feel my fingers
Every thought is fragmented
Leaving me lost and tormented

They didn't tell you, did they?
We were created for each other
Each second exists for the blink of an eye
What if one day, everything changed?
We'd be the first to know
Far from the world where the air is stale
Hidden below the corruption
We began to fall in the frozen field...

My name is Rachel
But others may refer to me as
Rach, Rachie, or Rae-rae.

I am nineteen years of age.

When I was a little girl
My smile was as bright as the sun
I ran and jumped and tumbled
I climbed trees that were so tall they touched the sky
And if ever I fell down
I picked myself up, still smiling.

It was when I was ten
That my smile finally faded
And my parents grew frustrated
With themselves
And the day they told my brother, sister and I
That they weren’t going to be together anymore
Was the same day I fell
And wasn’t strong enough to stand back up.

Four years
Of complete and total darkness
Is what followed

And then half my face froze up
Stuck in a permanent state of nothing
A paralysis of the nerves
Labelled ‘Bell’s Palsy’
Was what finally motivated my dad
To get me out of there
And after a while
I must’ve been smiling pretty hard
Because the paralysis went away.

And now I’m here.

If I were to describe myself
I’d point out that I’m five foot, four inches tall, on a good day
When anxiety isn’t weighing me down.
Rarely do I ever stand up straight.
I have deep, dark brown eyes
That observe more than they can really see.
They remain hidden behind thick framed glasses
For they, themselves, wish not to be seen.
My hair is as brown and ordinary,
Long and untamed and always in the way.
I’d cut it all off, like when I was younger
But I look older this way
And my friends like it.

I spend most of my time blogging
Even though rarely does anything exciting happen to me,
But then, that’s what John Watson said
Right before he met Sherlock.

I love television and movies
I love video games
I love books
Because I love stories.
Listening to them
Watching them
Reading them
I’d never get bored.

I like books, their pages dry and crinkling at my touch.
I put more effort into procrastination than I do into any sort of work.

Death laughs, and life depresses me.
I’m afraid of a lot of things.

Sometimes I feel too much,
Sometimes I feel nothing at all,
And that frightens me.

My imagination tends to run wild,
And sometimes it’s beautiful
But sometimes it’s brutal.
Sometimes I’m just paranoid.

I think about thinking
I think about other people thinking
I think about other people thinking about what I’m thinking
I’m an over thinker.

Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic,
And I hope to fall in love without getting confused by the idea of it.
But that’ll happen when I’m ready for it.

I believe in the equality of all things, though I’m hesitant to say it’s achievable.
I know there’s good to be found in people
But I don’t understand why all I keep finding is bad.

I’m proud and prejudiced against prejudiced people
Jane Austen is my hero.

If you ask me my name
I’d probably stumble over it
Like I stumble over everything
Words seems to curl my tongue
They do wonders at the tips of my fingers
But die as soon as they cross my lips.
I get nervous when I have to speak
Or look someone in the eye
And I’m pretty sure my mouth has a mind of its own.

I like being alone but sometimes I get lonely.
I’m moody and temperamental, and a little mental
But those that care for me don’t mind.

I’m more inclined to listen
If I can sing along too.

I’m clumsy and uncoordinated.
I walk into doorframes and apologize.
I stub my toe and laugh
But other people’s pain makes me cry.

I know a few words in Italian,
Even fewer in Russian,
And they’re all slang or swear words.

When I blush my entire face is painted scarlet,
And my skin is so sensitive it’s sometimes a blotchy mess.
I stutter
Unless I’m ranting.
Usually my thoughts make more sense
When I’m not thinking at all.

I am Rachel and this is barely scratching the surface of who I might be.

Silence…
Peaceful, finally alone
Safety, no one to hurt me
Calm, I don’t have to worry
this is
Tranquility.

It lasts too long…
Anxiety, alone for a while
Dreading, when they will ruin it
Panicking, where is everyone
I’m getting
Paranoid.

Lasts forever…
Maddening, I can’t stand this
Insanity, I’m going crazy
Confusion, this darkness is overwhelming
This life is
Chaos.

Thanatos
Holding death so close
A shudder of pain
Pleasure’s mundane
Keep me alive
For now I’ll thrive
On the edges of destruction
Staring into life’s reflection
Nothingness is near
Forever presently here
Feeling strongly the loss
Embrace the Chaos.

Pounding heart, burning lungs
Wind violent against skin.
Throat dry, tongue dry
Darkness settles in.
Can’t see, invading fear
Nothing to lead the way.
Smell of sweat, nothing else
Keep running through the pain.
Voices cease, silence settles
Footsteps echoing behind.
Out of breath, anxiety rise
Nowhere left to hide.

I’m standing on a ledge, looking down on what I’ve done
The city’s burning, ashes rising to the mourning sun
The flames are dying as the bodies slowly fall
Slumped in ditches, on the street, against the city’s walls
The only ones left living are running, never looking back
Their memories are still burning from the night of the attack
What have I done?
To the people that have had none
What have I done?
The corruption has only just begun.

When I was younger
I didn’t really understand
How precious
Words are
Or what they mean
Especially the word
Forever

When I was younger
Time dragged on
And boredom
Made time tedious
So I spent
A lot of my childhood
In other worlds

When I was younger
Things mattered more
Because
Life was more exciting
There were firsts
And mistakes
But adventures always

Now that I’m older
Things don’t matter as much
Because
Life’s a lot more complicated
Where mistakes
Are irreversible
And everything always ends

All of us wish we’d had just a little more time
Spend forever with the ones we love
But when we’re young
And time slows down
Because it’s on our side
We don’t understand that
Forever will always end.

Here I lay, arms crossed over chest
Slumber sustains, but I get no rest
Wicked, vile deeds give birth to new pain
Reliving my nightmares, I’m going insane
Feelings stir; I’ve forgotten I’ve had before
All too wrong for me to longer ignore
They linger here, in dark spaces of my mind
Pulling me closer, leaving the light behind
Causing darkness to be my home.

Could you smile for me one more time my dear?
When I see you happy everything just becomes so clear.
Could you smile for me one more time my dear?
Because it’s killing me, every time you shed a tear.
And I can't take this any more my dear,
Watching you break under all of this fear.
Just rest in my arms, where my dear, you belong,
And I promise that for the both of us, I'll be strong.

And on this one night,
She closed her eyes tight,
Thinking of what might,
Give this darkness light.

And there you were,
By her side in a blur,
Completely unsure,
With your heart as a cure.

Together you fought,
For the happiness you sought,
And accidentally caught,
In a love you never thought.

It's in dreams and in stories
Lost in tales and long ago glories
Reaching out through time
Reciting itself in rhyme
Marking history like a stain
Blood, sweat, death, and pain
Countries go to war in its name
And it always wins, knows the game
Mistaken for love and hope
It's the human condition; how we cope
Answering a question with anything but truth
That alone should've been enough proof
That in God we should fear
Our voices, He does not hear
Prayers fall silent
Backs stay bent
Aching
Breaking
Shaking
From all that He's taking
Only in death
May we take a breath
And rest
Arms crossed over chest
Buried in the Earth
Where we start the rebirth.

The clouds are grey, and the ocean’s crashing against the shore
It’s been raining for days; I’ve been losing myself in the downpour
The thunder’s rolling, beating like a drum to signal the oncoming war
I’ve been marching through the trenches; I’ve been shaken to the core
I look to the sky; ask myself what it is that I’ve been fighting for
Because since I’ve lost you nothing else really matters anymore
I’ve given up everything, nothing but an emptiness I’m trying to ignore
I know when this is all over I’ll be broken and ravaged and sore
But I’ll still stand tall, rise above all the blood and the gore
I’ll kiss away the pain, remind myself that I’ve been here before
Made a promise to myself, one that I’d never break, and I swore
Someday I’ll make it back to the shore.

I want to feel your pulse against mine,
So our hearts can beat in time
The same rhythm on repeat
The tangle of our feet
With our fingers intertwined
I'll lose myself to you and not mind
Because your scent is my breath
And for your life, I'd gladly face my death
Because your love is worth more
Than what the rest of my life has in store
If I cannot spend it with you.

All I wanted
When I was a little girl
Was a strong jaw
And a steely stare
Grew up thinking
That's what it took
To face the world
Unblinking, unafraid
Strong enough
To do everything alone
But I look at myself now
Scarred and hard
Cold like ice
A storm raging on
Inside my head
And I think
Maybe I should've waited
Just a little bit longer
To grow up.

Mark me, bite me, do anything you want
When it comes to love and lust you’re a natural born savant
Your teeth on my skin
Your nails digging in
Your lips, in that grin
Are filthier than sin
And by the time you’re through
I’ll forget I ever knew
Anything other than your name.

Expose me like a raw nerve
Inflict me with the pain I deserve
Hit me again, hear me beg and scream
Spit in my face, say I'm as weak as I seem
Throw me against the wall, as hard as you dare
Keep kicking me on the ground, pull my clothes and my hair
Beat me until I'm a bleeding mess
Try to make me feel like I am less
But in the end, when my breathes are rasps
And my lungs are about to collapse
When my vision grows dark and my world begins to fade
I won't be the coward hiding behind a charade
I won't be the one consumed in bitter hate
I won't be regretting things once it’s too late