i keep walking up in the same body, but different. turning 90 degrees to match the sun through the window. new day, but nothing new. check my height, same. check my shoe size, same. the mirror tells a similar story. thoughts spray against the walls. slight alterations, not revamped, if anything, sour from expiration. my mind has grown old, i can feel it. the liquids have taken their toll. one day i’ll make sense of it all; however, i’m afraid by then i’ll have succumbed to it’s allure.

spilled beer painted across mismatched tiles on a southern bound local 6. the ride is short. 15 minutes to get to bleecker, then, a transfer. from there it’s two stops on the F, home bound. another night in this. stale breath of nicotine and a sore neck. the air has felt heavy lately, with reason to. there has been a death in the family, but it was not a death, nor was it in the family. activity within the amygdala has risen by a third multiple. soon it will reach full throttle. decelerate, and remain constant before total free fall. there are supposed to be 5 stops on this train, but we have past 50. the 28 minute ride has become an expedition. is this the end? or perhaps, only a transfer..

a disastrous morning. late for the 8-hour and I skipped a meal. the one from last night painted my sheets. claiming her territory? what a spoiled ritual. the other is across a wide spread of land confused why i’ve distanced myself. she wrote me this morning demanding answers. i’m busy now, the other ruined my sheets with metallic fluids. the carpet is stained as well. the one on the phone is sorry she says. wants to know if it’s something she’s done. no. it’s this small screen that’s made me dizzy, not you. it’s this minuscule display of lights that resemble you which have troubled me. seeing your shadow run across the beaches of california. dancing amongst attractive humans. twirling in bars. while i’m here, facing a different ocean, fumbling in my ***** sheets.

crawl out of the sheets. your stomach is bulging from the countless bottles you’ve swung down your throat. not swimming, but drowning. in the mirror you stand
repulsed. look at this mess. hair in all directions, uncombed. nails, dark. teeth, yellow. your face is scared with the last mistake you’ve made. turn at a shallow angle and wallow through the door. it’s 7:36 in the morning and the day is already soiled.

like a fish cannot paddle in the opposite direction. they themselves cannot move backwards. they themselves cannot retrace steps and remain content. they themselves cannot love worse from what they’ve loved. a heap of trash, you stand besides her fellow conquests, only to discover, it is you, the one who has lost.

another night spent lying on a flat surface
and an empty wine glass
beside me

the thoughts arrive swiftly and I am
defenseless

nothing at this instant matters more

the lights
the dancing
the nights spent beside you in dark
spaces of gleeful bars filled with dejected patrons

crowds of people, yet you were
there
uniquely
standing quite with a mere smile

the type of smile that makes you believe
in something more than yourself
something more real
than what’s here

the times we’ve shared on
beaches
empty towns
couches

you were provisional
liminal
temporary
subject to exit

and you did one afternoon,
exit

you had reverted back to your
old lover

your true companion

myself, accepting, understanding of the situation
I informed you of my grievances yet paid no attention to the truth
the truth that rotted inside me

now its spoiled, sour and purple

and you come pouring out of me.
and I lay here shivering

how i miss the old days
how i miss the old days

there is no return

only swift thoughts

I need, remembrance
sac religion
mockery

I need, limitless
forever
bottles of wine
beer spilled in velvet carpets

I need nothing more than a girl
a girl with curly hair
one fragile but unbroken

I want death as much as I want life
I want empty empathy and no hurt feelings

I want causal ***

I want hope

I want something that doesn’t come close to what is here