I will reach out the same hands I used to push the world away
And grasp to it like a child
Do not leave me alone right now or I will cease to exist.

I will fade, eventually, one day, maybe; but I will not fade like this.

I will shake apart into the billion pieces I ripped myself into
And scatter myself in the wind.
If I am apart, I cannot, all at once, be yanked from my body.

There's is no pull but the one I feel, I know something's got me.

I can feel the panic creep up my spine and constrict my lungs
Hold my hand please
I am not ready, I don't want to leave again, I can't endure another crash.

I curl into the tightest of ***** and pray this moment will pass.





I would that you, someone, would make me real.
I have tried and failed.
In this moment, I exist and I believe it.

Tomorrow, I will float above myself and know.
I will know we are all a lie.
I will question why I pretend at living and try to cease it.

Paranoia will cover my brain and tell me the truth:
None of this is real. I am not real.
But I would like to real. I would that you, someone, would make me it.

Moving on feels a lot like forgetting you existed with me
And finding creative ways to exclude you from a story.

Growing up feels a lot like consequences from old actions
And finally getting around to kicking bad habits.

Reaching dreams feels a lot like stress and pain
And doing every job for a spare bit of change.


Educating myself feels a lot like wasting time
And looking for interests I know I won't find.


Self-healing feels a lot like strategic avoidance
And re-bottling things how the therapist thinks is best.

Maturity feels a lot like a looser tongue and desperation
And emptying onto someone in hopes that they'll understand.

Living feels a lot like survival by and of those least fit to
And pretending I've got it sorted until someone tells me that I do.

*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twists confined to breakup ***.

What feels good can't hurt you until its not good anymore
Reality doesn't touch the bedroom until someone opens the door
Grasping to skin like it's what we had and reluctantly letting go
The push and pull of dumb ideas and a lack of self control.

An awkward smile all the while thinking that this was a mistake
A peck of a kiss, barely a touch of the lips, and sanity far too late
Stains on the skin that the shower can't wash, they've soaked down to bone
The knowledge that gasps and quiet laughs doesn't mean we aren't gone.

*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twist confined to breakup ***.

First let me say I cannot be fully sorry
I cannot give you the life I wanted
I don't have the money or the stability
To love you the way I've promised I would
Should I let you exist and be everything to me
I would not treat you the way I wished I was
When I was just a child looking for love.

You won't exist because I refuse to let you
Because I looked at my own mother and asked
"Why did you have me?"
I can't be a parent that would never put that question in your head.
You won't exist because I am not strong enough to let you.
I am sorry for that.

I will mourn you. I have mourned you.
You are two inches long and know nothing
Have done nothing and deserve none of this
Yet and still, you won't exist because you will be something
You will be someone.
You will be someone I will fight to love and provide for
And I will fail.

You won't exist because I look in the mirror
And I see someone who I would ****.
And I cannot provide from the grave.
Nor will I leave you to fight for a life I couldn't give.
Yet and still, I will imagine I could.
And I will hate myself in the way you have no capacity to do
I will hate me for you.

You will never know what it is to smile or frown
You will never laugh or cry
I will never see you roll or walk or speak
And I will never shower you in love
Because I will never allow you to exist in who I am now
And so you won't exist.

But I will think of you when I next slit my wrists.
I will think of two inches of perfection that I couldn't ensure safety.
I will think of two inches and what could have been
I will think of the first time you would curl a hand around my finger
And I will cry for you and tell you that I'll join you
Despite you never existing to care to begin with.

You will not exist anywhere aside from a single picture in a scan
And within my memories.
You will not exist to anyone but me if I let you.
But in the absence of your life, I will immortalize and remember you.
You have no name. You have a name.
I will never know which name fits you better.

I will get on a flight taking me away from where
You ceased and never began to be.
I will bury the memory of you deep in my mind
On the surface of my thoughts where you will thrive.
I will imagine chubby fingers grasping at earth in wonder
And whispering all the dreams you could and would reach into your ear
I will imagine what could be if I wasn't what I am today.

I will go home. I will put my life together and heal.
I will create a space for myself so that I can properly allow you to be.
And it will not be you who exists then.
And I will lament your loss when I am finally able to take care of you
Far, far too late.

I suppose I just need to say goodbye to you.
I have whispered it into myself several times
And been both grateful and remorseful that you cannot understand
And hope you will exist in the after that I've never believed in
That you will grow and know that your lack of existence
Was not a decision lightly made.

I will comfort myself in thinking you will never know
What it is to have a father who neither loves you nor your family
I will comfort myself thinking you will never worry over the money we don't have
I will comfort myself thinking you will never see the state of the world I chose not to bring you into.
You will not exist and these comforts will be empty.

Because I imagine you as a little girl with curly hair
And a smile so bright it would rival the sun and change the world
I imagine you as a little boy with a heart so big seven billion people would instantly feel loved
I imagine you as an avid reader, the way I was, forever shoving books into your desk
I imagine you as a graduate with endless potential at your fingertips
But you will not be. You will not exist.

I think on what made you. And I wonder if I could look past it.
If I could find it in me to love you the way you would deserve.
I love you now. I hate you now. I want to cradle you in my arms.
I will not. You do not exist.
You will not exist for me to know.

I will see you when I sleep, I believe
I will see you as you were and as you may be
And I will wrap my arms around you as I push you away
And I will whisper the names you never had
And give you the gifts you'll never see.
I will blow a raspberry into the stomach you never developed
I will listen to giggles from the vocal chords you never contained.
You will not exist then.
But who you may have been will.

I will carry you on my shoulders in a dream
I will promise to keep your teeny lips in a smile
And you tiny head in the clouds.
I will dream your dreams for you and hope to know you
I will not dream your dreams. I do not know you.
You have no dreams.
And you will not exist.

You would be a number of pounds of beauty, had I let you.
You would be, if I only let you, a perfect number of inches, perfect down to the smallest decibel.
You would be quiet. You would be loud. I would complain of your colic.
You will be none of those things. I will not complain.
You will not exist.

I will breathe in the air you never did.
I will marvel the sky you never saw.
I will mourn the life you never lived.
I will love the you who never thought.
And yet and still, you will not exist.

They walked loudly through the forest
Never questioning from where they came
Never wondering of where they would go
And the forest was pristine and bustling with life
And the universe was silent.

They hungered once and grew weapons to sate them
Never remembering what the forest was
Never thinking of what they would make it
And the forest was red and quiet and furious
And the universe was silent.

They shivered in the rain and set the trees alight for heat
Never caring for the creamated land and animals
Never seeing the barren gounds they left behind
And the forest was empty and dead
And the universe was silent.

They starved and ripped at each other until they were dead
Never ceasing even when the pain was unbearable
Never beginning to see sense or regain their logic
And the forest was no longer a forest and they were no more
And the universe was silent.