Go home, I'll be there*
You say with a smile.

I can't quite make my smile look real.

That's not my home
That's not my place
I'm not comfortable there
Or with you.

This is just a house
I walk in and wipe my shoes
I try not to eat too much of the food
I don't go outside of where you do
I try to make as little an impression
I keep to myself and speak when spoken to

This is only a home to you.

This house doesn't feel lived in
It's sparkling and pristine
There's not a speck of dirt
Or any item out of place
And I can't even sit down
Without feeling like I've sullied something.

Stop inviting me here.

Stop trying to make me one of your own
Living in a clean little box we mistakenly call home
Conform to society and live a cubicle-based life
With a white picket fence and a family of no more than five

This isn't a home
There's no sign of life
And I'll never return as
This is just a house

I've got it portrait of myself
Drawn all on my own
I can see all of my flaws
That I dutifully scribbled down

And I'll show people with a smile
And they tell me it's quite ugly
And then blanch as they realize
I've drawn a picture of me

And there is some part of
My heart that takes the blows
Even though they called me pretty
My brain really knows

So I walk up to my mirror
And ***** my value, my assets
I don't think I'll ever understand
How anyone can look like this

All the magazines
I pour over hold
All the pretty people
All the pretty souls

And I wish I was like them
I wish I could be
But nothing seems to alter
My perception of reality

His lips pull into a wretched smile
That used to make me follow suit
But as it forms around hurtful words
I know that, in truth,

He was always ugly
And I was just entertainment
He'd never see me equally
And I'd never be able to make him

He mocks all I can't change
And discourages all that I do
And I've not enough self-confidence
To counter the words he threw

How did I miss how hideous
This child of a boy could be?
As now, he's set the standard
Of my definition of ugly

I get low sometimes thinking
We aren't and never will be the same
But then we get to talking
We remember all the good times
And I remember why I fell in love

In love with your smile
In love with your eyes
In love with laugh
In love with everything you'll ever be
In love with what you are to me

I'm in love when you're angry
Sad
Happy
Confused
Amused
I don't care

Because when I remember just what we've been through
I remember why I always have and will love you.

It chills like fire
It burns like ice
It's dark like day
And so bright like night
It's an oxymoron
That makes paradoxical sense
It's a pseudo-pseudonym
Filled with disguise, thick and dense
And it's become a fine mess
In the years I've been gone
The acute dullness
Of the field seems so wrong
But the change is the same
And the routine is ever-changing
And this name has no name
As we look for what we can't see

It flows
Like blood
Like fire
Like tears down my face
It hurts
Like love
Like hate
Like an end of the days
I want
I need
I don't even care
I cry
I weep
But nobody's there
The balcony is calling
Softly
Sweetly
It hurts to ignore
The ground below it
What am I waiting for?
The knife is whispering
Inside my head
It hurts to ignore
The peace behind the blade
What am I waiting for?
The  fire is calling
In my hand
It hurts to ignore
It's lung killing brand
What am I waiting for?
**** me
Hurt me
I'm so immune
Stab me
Laugh
Drive the knife home
Unfair with me
But not with them
Because you love them
You love them
You do
I'll **** them
And then **** you
Because I hate you
I hate you
I do
I'm insane
I've crossed the line
I feel the heady
On the Joy of time
After you've taken to much
After so little
I'm insane
I am
I look to the mirror
It speaks to me
I yell as my answer
As I am guilty
The mirror laughs
Like it always does
Then morphs into me
And by then
Through the tears
I can barely see
I hurt, I hurt
But I'll never let it show
Right down to the day I **** myself. No
Point in denying my end is my own
And I'll see to my life, on the way home
My head is collapsing
But my eyes are wide open
My shoulders crumble
My torso dissolves
But my legs keep walking
Until they fall
And fall they do
However, they fall up
And my head is abandoned
While my legs float up
I've no way to regain
The rest of myself
And what's left of me
Is still useless
Collecting dust on the shelf
And there's no one to love
And no one who'll love
There's no one to smile with
No one to talk to
And yet, all in all
I still stop in awe
As I look at those people
That I called friends
Who know so much
But so little in the end
And my family
Which isn't family at all
And my father whom I hate
And mother I abhor
And sisters I despise
What am I waiting for?
I could end it all
End it all tonight
**** them all
And leave at first light
And that's when I remember
I'm not truly insane
I put the knife away
And scold my brain
A stick of cancer at my lips
To chase the thoughts away
And as I inhale
I feel saner in every way
A fake smile that carries me through the day
I show it to my friends
And brush away
My problems, my issues
Because I don't matter
They should be happy
As my heart shatters
Four years, four years
Since my insanity began
I found love
I lost it again
I gave up my body
For hasty "I love you's"
Gave up my soul
Though I didn't mean to
Gave up my heart
I gave it to him
He thanked me
Took it
And left with it
A lifeless
Loveless
Disgusting corpse, I am
A foolish
Hopeful
Shell of what I used to be
I'm still waiting
Still hoping
But It'll never come
Just a bit too ugly
A bit too mean
A bit too caring
A bit too confident
A bit too smart
A bit too dumb
A bit too Me
To ever find love
A bit too paranoid
A bit too hurt
A bit too aggressive
A bit too hateful
To ever want it
A bit too human
A bit too desperate
A bit too needy
A bit too clingy
A bit too expecting
To not need it
And the Balcony calls me
And the Noose calls me
And the Knife calls me
And the Flame calls me
And Death is just behind their voices
And I run
Run
Run
And they follow
**** me
**** me now
I'd like to fly
To be free
Above the clouds
Or at the very least die
For the absence of sound
I'd exalt in that second
Where I would be free
Before the fire's of hell
Would rear up to claim me
I'd laugh
I'd scream
I know I'd shout
As I let the years
Of suppressed insanity out
And I roar it down
Onto the Earth
Until everyone feels my pain
But before I let the thought fester
I shake the insanity away
It's funny how
I think I'm insane anyway
I'm just a normal child
With a bit more pain
Wearing  my heart on my sleeve
In the pouring rain
And so I beg one last time
**** me
**** me dead.

Don't take me places
You know we can't go
I'll want to stay
You'll raise my hopes

I'm crushed by disappointment
I'm sick of seeing possibility
I'm sick of being told
"Don't want everything you see"

I'm willing to use some effort
To reach the highest slopes
But you won't even consider
So please don't raise my hopes

I'm fragile, I swear I am
I can't handle too many falls
I can't take to much hope
So don't raise mine at all

I can't seem to correctly explain
Just how hope can stab me through
Because I fight to be pessimistic
But when hope joins the fight, I lose

When I lose, I see options
I see every possibility
I see everything you won't
I see everything I need

I could idealize anyplace
If it so appealed to my hope
But I'll always be let down
I've grown used to these old ropes

So leave me be, I don't care
This is a downward, spiraling *****
And you must be a sadist, this is torture
Please, don't raise my hopes.