A lesser human being
Something to be hated
An abomination
Repulsive
Me.

They make it seem like
Somehow it's worse
That I'm black
As well as
Gay.

I'm not a ******, that word
Doesn't describe who I am,
I just want to love
Who I
Want.

Would it help if I told you that I probably
Will be single anyway because
I'm not attractive and  I'm
Direly afraid of
Love?

Being pansexual isn't the definition
Of the word "******" at all
Because pansexuality does
Not mean a pile of
Sticks.

So, you see, I am not a "******"
The word shouldn't even exist
As an insult; however, it can't
Really be reclaimed
Anymore.

I've never been good at poker
But me and Life played a game
I pulled a horrid, useless hand
And lost every penny to my name

The consequences were harsh
Life gave me them with a smile
With very little to work with
To overcome the trials

Life gave me keloid scars
Life gave me misophonia
Life gave me depression
Life gave me paranoia

And panic attacks
And a fear of love
(And a huge nose
As if I hadn't had enough)

And I'm meant to accept my "spoils"
From a horrid poker game
And spend years of my life
Pretending I'm okay

I'm supposed to laugh
And have a smile on my face
But what emotion should I show
When the audience walks away?

I'm supposed to do this
Without being too fake
But how can one be genuine
While wearing the facades they make?

So when others ask why I'm suicidal
When they ask why I find everything bland
When they try to fix my apathy
I just tell them "I drew a bad hand"

I don't want it
Neither do you
Pass it, pass it
To somebody new
Who's fault, who's fault?
Not your's, not you
Who's fault!?
We'll find one or two
To give this to
Because no one want it here
No one wants it at all
Owning up is overrated
Honesty goeth before a fall
So pass the blame
Assumptions with no names
Don't stop this train
Of unattached blame
And we'll never own up
Never say "enough"
And when the blame's far away
We'll raise another up.

A vivid pastel vertigo
That sends me through time and space
To all the places I should never know
To distances large and great

A bemusing tornado of words
That wrap around my head
Singing the tune of the birds
That make me so willing to be led

An iridescent amalgamation of assumptions
Swimming in the sea of my mind
And though I'll never utter a word of confession
I know you'll get it in time

The feelings in my mind

I'm really not all that nice
I just have an extremely dense
Filter
Some
Often call me a *****
But without that filter
They'd call me the definition
Of a living hell.

I find it odd that people think I
Don't understand what they
Say
Just
Because I'm not actively
Listening to what you say
Doesn't mean I don't hear
And acknowledge the words

And as I go through the day
Attempting to look on the bright
Side
I
Realize that, despite telling myself
It'll get better in time
That I may not have much of that
Time I speak of to begin with

So maybe I should go a day
Without persisting in being so
Fake
And maybe I should try
Just for one day to remove the
Filter
But first I have to brave the fear
Of the freedom that comes with
Uninhibited thought

I laugh at all your jokes
Am I obvious yet?
I smile whenever you appear
Am I obvious yet?
I make you breakfast, lunch, and desserts
Am I obvious yet?
I you want it, I'll buy it
Am I obvious yet?
I'm never satisfied until I've made you smile
Am I obvious yet?
I'm always on your side
Am I obvious yet?
There's nothing more beautifully heartbreaking than when you cry
Am I obvious yet?
When you're offended, I fight
Am I obvious yet?
When you need company, I talk to you all night
Am I obvious yet

If not, please explain
How I can be more plain
With the way I express emotion
To give you some notion
Of the answer for everything I do
Which, somehow, you still have no clue
Which forces me to convey what I've always knew
*Look, I really like you!

That long hair that flows
Right down her back
A rich chocolate brown
Following wherever she goes

Those little coral slips
Just above her chin
Shaped like a heart
Stretched tight when she grins

Those indescribable orbs
Are they brown, blue, green?
But no, it's an amalgamation
That falls somewhere in between

A laugh so bright and contagious
That I join it no matter my mood
So genuine and lovely that when
It's fading I give pursuit

A smile I can't help but mimic
As it's forms around the words
That tickle me to teary laughter
No matter how absurd

And she is my friend
She means the world to me
She's my current standard
My definition of beauty