Put me in your stomach
Chew me up and spit me out
I think American ****** said it best
"Stop sounding so ******* sad"

It's been raining all morning
I wake up to the sweet smell of your bed head hair

I'll kiss your hand til the sunrise
Because if you stay here with me
The sun will shine
And I will smile to spend the time with you

Stand in your kitchen
Listen to the Beatles on your record player
Dance like goblins
I'll kiss your lips to yellow submarine

Listen to the songs I played
I talk about your hair in each one

I can hear the sound of whistles blowing
Running down the street to catch the bus
I can come to your house
We can listen to knocked loose all night
Yell at the wretched sun

I hope this all makes it to you over seas
You're in London and I'm forgotten

Hear my voice and catch it in your hands
Hold it delicately like a baby bird
I'm so happy to see you now
I can wait for all of time

You're in luck because I'm forgetting

My knuckles are dripping blood
It is my own
Hitting myself to feel something
I see crimson, but I don't feel stinging

I just need you to crawl inside me again
Pulse through my veins
Send me skyrocketing to the moon
Constant sugar, constant high

I come up from the sewer where I reside
Climbing into your bed to hear your breath
Tracing your insides with my finger tips
Kissing your translucent skin

I'm so sorry
I'm so excited
I'm running into the walls like a blind dog
Conformist meets ****** with a spark

I picked these flowers from the neighbors yard for you
I know you don't care for roses but aren't they pretty?
You're so pretty
I hope you'll hold my trembling hands

Stop leaving me here to kiss the ghost of my better self
Why are you messing up again and again

spread my blood on your walls with the hands that once held my heart so delicately

I think I've become the thing that you saw in your nightmares tearing you limb from limb

you've only made me feel like I'm drowning in the dark ocean rather than burning in your light

the last time I saw you, you looked so happy

I'm so sorry for pushing you all away but is it saving myself from being hurt or is it just my selfishness

I don't know how to handle the tears that seep through my clothes anymore because they're making me freeze

I'm sick of everyone saying that things will be okay because there's a few months of good until you get **** on again

I don't exist anymore to you
And definitely not to them

For some reason that I don't think I will ever understand, they built a house inside me and then lit it aflame just to see me burn

Do I understand why they lied?
No
Will I ever?
No

I'm sorry but it may not seem like it but I was giving you my all but I guess that just wasn't good enough because you were running away like wolves

And to be honest I don't even think that it's still you that I'm missing, just something that burns cigarette holes in my heart once again

it's always been my dream to be empty but now that I am I don't feel content

Everything that I am doing now is not what I imagined to be doing 2 months ago

I've drank so much to forget your ways
This feeling of wanting you comes but never stays

I miss the dark side of my emotions because at least then I had a reason to be upset because this feeling in my chest is suffocating

I am not sad
I am not mad
I am not glad

This is an existence that is rotting into my skin
Writing down all of this does not help ease the pain

Imaginary friend
I am conjuring you up in my head because all of my friends left me for dead

Lonely boy
Why do you feel this way
Why can't you get up and leave
All you do is lay and wait
Is this how you want to be
I'm sorry but that is not okay
Don't make me hit you again boy

I am getting out today
This snow is on the ground but I'm not feeling the cold
I'm naked and innocent
Please don't contain me
I miss the sunflowers

I hope you regret not saying that you're proud of me
The blood that's running down from my nose makes me miss your hand

It's funny that you find what you are looking for when you least expect it
You're walking down the street and you walk passed your soulmate
You dream about someone that was thinking of you before they fell asleep
This is a grain of salt on the biggest desert landscape
If you don't get it just right you won't be able to make it right anyway

It's been 10 years and I'm on my own
I haven't seen you since then and I am happy about that
That grave made you crazy
But how come seeing your father pass made you neglect your son
That's backwards thinking

I hope that you don't hear this
If you do
You'll get mixed emotions
The wrong idea
Things you can't see
I'm not mad or upset with how things are
This is just my sick and twisted way of saying i love you

Things have been uncomfortable
I don't know much how to handle it
My writing has gone to ****
And I honestly am scared

Everything feels very one track
And I don't fully feel here
As in I don't feel connected to earth
It feels like I'm an outsider on my own life
I'm sure this just sounds a little dull
Melodramatic even but I wanted you to know that I am concerned

I don't think the hospital could help
And no therapist would tell me what to do
I can't tell them how I feel because I don't know how to explain it
I've been waking up with nose bleeds and I think they look really cool
Maybe I'm on the verge of dying but I don't know it so I'm still living

I hope that I don't leave you guys behind
I don't want to be missed like this
I know I'm a little morbid at times
But I'm just pouring all of my blood to feel fine

This isn't like last time
I haven't done anything stupid
But I feel like I should have
At least I would have known why I feel this way

This is something that I haven't ever felt
It won't let me run away
I'm stuck in a nightmare
I hope that you will come find me

Take a nail
Stab it right through the middle of my palm
Now do the other one
Do you feel any better seeing me pinned here

This is what it feels like to have you pressure me
I feel cornered in a room and that doesn't have a door
It's has a window though
I'm stuck here in this chair

My eyes are turning black because I'm sick of blue
I don't want this but I'm trying for you
I am sorry that I am not good enough but God please know that I'm trying my best
Push me on the ground
Stomp on my face
Use my blood to draw a picture of what I should be doing
Use it to make a list of all the **** ups adding up

I can't sleep anymore
My brain keeps me awake but not in the I'm so energized right now way
In the I'm too tired to sleep way
Take my hand
I make get a little blood on you
I hope that's okay

I hope that soon
I can finally take this chair
And throw it through that window
And finally be free

What I don't know is that the chair is nailed to the ground and the window is glued shut
There is no escape for me

COME ON BOYS LETS KICK THEIR ***

I'm sorry
That may have been too forward
I am just so full of energy
I want to smash your face in
Take a broken bottle and rip it through your throat
Breath all of me
You can't run away you fool
What do you take me for
Pity pity pity

IM SORRY

Okay apology accepted
It's a good thing that I don't care because I kind of already killed you
Oops
That's not blood officer
It's ketchup

SETTLE DOWN SETTLE DOWN COURT IS NOW IN SESSION

I think I'm quite sick
Don't send me jail
Take me away
I'm a lunatic
Boy oh boy
I want to play in the padded room
And maybe even paint a pretty picture of a typhoon

HES DEAD SIR

How could he be dead
There is no way he could've killed himself
He had no weapons
It's a padded room for Christ sake
Okay look this isn't going to be an easy coverup
Call president bush and tell him to **** another one of his assistant secretary
That should do the trick

THIS IS ALL JUST A GAME TO YOU ISNT IT

Why yes honestly
Do you think this crazy smile and stupid laugh is all just for show?
Well I mean that's besides the point
I'm sorry you just can't handle my sense of humor
This isn't my fault

I've been sitting here wondering
Conversing with the girls next to me about who they are going to take home tonight
Many of them don't have any cash so I spot them a 20
As any gentleman would do for the herein in destress
Right?

Wrong
These woman are not who they say they are
They've been taking over our brains
Because what you don't know is that they are actually aliens
I hope that they are aliens because at least they would come in peace

I've been thinking a lot about space travel
I want to go away for awhile
Take me to where there are unicorns and griffons and gnomes
A place that is magical
Because as of right now
I don't want to be in the United States of America
Because we can't decide between a women and a corrupt business man
To run our country
What does it matter anyway

Well all die one day and we won't know what's next until we do
So maybe just maybe we should all hold hands and somehow we could break the portal of life and death with our bonds
I am pretty sure that is just wishful thinking
I am going to miss you guys because I know that we are going to grow old and start dying off
That makes me sad

I've been thinking about going off the grid for awhile
Just taking my phone and smashing it into pieces so that my head can seem a little clearly
Because right now I'm really foggy and I don't have a broomstick to knock down all of the cobwebs

I'm sorry this one sounds a bit weird
It's been a rough day

I'm very upset.

Blood runs down my face from a cut on my forehead from a beer bottle that you through at me the night before
I taste metal
I'm seeing crimson
This is my own fault
You're leaving with the slam of the door
Two words come to mind
I'm sorry

I can't see straight
The windshield is smeared
It's been a downpour this whole time
I'm driving down the street
100 on the highway
Headlights are flying past me
Two words come to mind
Liberate me

Tell me what I could do
Bring you back in this bed
Blood stains are covering the sheets
Handprints on the walls
I've itching to taste you again
Our nights together play in my mind
Over and over again pushing me
Two words come to mind
Love me

This doesn't feel the same
The lights are out and the candles you lit are flickering
This is the end
One moment bleeds into another
I'm burning the books that my father read to me as a child
6 billion people in the world
And I'm only thinking of you
Two words come to mind
Come home

Survival of the fittest
But I never fit in anywhere
I'm floating on the dust of the gun
The spider are weaving through homes in my bones
I can't keep wishing on this sickness
Two words come to mind
Wake up

The rope pulls on my throat
Scratching and clawing
I'm thinking hang in there
My foot is slipping now
A note falls to the floor
Words scribbled in black ink
"Please stay alive"
Two words come to mind
Forgive me

This is the last piece of work that Im going to put pen to paper
This is the last time that I am going to bed with tears in my eyes

Blood is coming up from my throat
I've been coughing up all of the soot that sits in my stomach
In these poems I've said you many times thinking I was talking to someone else
I'm been playing myself

The only person I've been talking to is myself
This is not broken affairs
It's holding hands and blank stares

You said I'm sorry
And I think for once you meant it
Because for once I could see your tears
For once I felt something genuine in my heart
For once I think I caught a glimpse of you
There I go again
Talking to someone who isn't there

Remember that time that we walked through the field of flowers
And came out covered in petals and stings from bees that were just trying to pollinate
Oh wait I was alone that night

Remember that time we walked home from the restaurant because there was no gas in the car
It was a 2 and a half hour walk and I was alone then too

See there's a problem with you
Because every time that I think of you I find me
I don't want to anymore

A boy saw a girl
She had the greenest of hair
The thought of seaweed came to mind but yet the most beautiful leaf that he had ever seen
He tried to ask for her name but instead he gave her his
She smiled and said one simple word
Daisy
The boy couldn't help but grab for her hand
She wasn't something that he could just let go of
She was a wildfire while simultaneously becoming the calmest of air
She could put the light in your eyes and take it away just as easy with one glance
The boy had no chance
The caster of his dreams was now standing in front of him staring at him with eyes begging for adventure
And don't get me wrong that had the best of times
But all good things come to an end
It is all just too good to be true
Her brain had other plans for her
The boy found her unconscious many nights and it felt that she was losing herself
Her thoughts
She turned to alcohol to bide her convictions
What couldn't be said in person could be fixed at the bottom of a bottle of jack
Slurred mannerisms lead to unintentional regret
She was getting worse
The doctors told her 3 weeks
She couldn't even bring herself to get out of bed
The boy wanted to help but what could he do
Lay with her and give her his hand
One ceremony for life and one for death
One final conversation between the two able bodies efore heaven housed a new angel
Please tell me that you won't give up she said
With tears welling up in his eyes
He replied
I will see you in another life daisy
And I will love you just as much as I do now
Goodbye

This is our first date
I didn't know where to take you
So I took you to see my grandma
She was always the life of the party
Funny how life works sometimes

I have been planting flowers around her grave
Because the gravediggers don't quite understand how much she was worth

The man that went to war and came back without his legs can't come see her because their only child is a good for nothing

Yes I'm talking about my father
He tried his best but something in him just didn't click
The only thing he could think of money and how wet he could get his ****

If this isn't coming right
Let me try again
Your hair reminds me of the flowing of our bodies when we are intertwined
Skeleton bones will be undug to walk amongst us again
Your smile reminds me of hers and oh god do I feel so warm

Being up on this hill with you
Fingers laced in one another
Your blue eyes beaming at how beautiful this meadow is
I hope that I can lay here with you

Envy
Remember that guy in high school that was the best at everything? That wasn't you and you just couldn't understand why you were born to be the worst. You laid up at night ****** at your parents for not being better so that it could've been passed down to you. The only hurdle holding you back is yourself

2. Gluttony
At the lunch table, your friends made fun of that fat kid who sat alone, face full of acne. The thing they didn't know was that he'd go home to an adoption center because not even his own parents wanted him. Now he eats and eats to fill the void and despair that he feels in his bones. What does that make you

3. Lust
That girl that lays in your bed, dressed in lace and cheap red lipstick will be leaving in the morning. Hold on to the moment that she gives you what you are paying for and make sure you tip her. She's going home to a daughter of nine where in her eyes, she still shines. You've got no spine. Go out and give someone a moment of your time instead of spending another dime. Take this for what it is, an affectionate kiss that is only missing the feeling of pure bliss.  

4. Greed
You grew up thinking that money grows on trees when in reality it doesn't come from just dreams. You have to work for what you believe in and work with your own two hands to achieve it. The economy would be a better thing if we didn't give so much value to money. Every single thing costs and if you don't have to give, there are consequences. Take that dollar, rip it up and go out and breathe the fresh air

5. Pride
I've been sitting up all night thinking about you, grandpa. You were my hero. But you weren't the same when you came back from the war. PTSD got the best of you.
You didn't remember us but we were still there and will continue to keep you in our thoughts. You were too scared of what was to come to not run away. I'm sorry

6. Wrath
Your father was a very confident man but he was always taking it out on your mother. You wanted to do something but you couldn't because you were an 8 year old boy that still cried when you scraped your knee. How were you supposed to help? Now it's been 4 years and you been pushing your body to its limit to show him what a real man is

7. Sloth
It's the feeling of not being able to get out of bed in the morning because you just don't have the energy. Not hanging out with your family because you simply don't want to. Your brain and body are connected, don't forget that without happy thoughts your body will not understand the simplest of tasks

8. Fear
This is the moment that you are held at gun point. The feeling of all of your emotions swirled into one ball of mass that is sitting in the bottom of your stomach. Your whole life is flashing through your mind in blurred images and slurred words. The funny thing is that the one holding the gun is you
BANG

Okay let me spill my emotions on you for a second

I have been thinking a lot about you lately
Not even in a bad way
Or any way really I just am thinking
I wish that you injected me with poison
I wish you had turned my eyes black from the plack that caked your heart

I wish to be something entirely different than the images that flash through your brain when you type my name
This is the heaviest of sighs because I don't know what this is feeling like
I look at the night sky and my head spins
The stars turn to smear of bright light
I am chord less on the guitar of the life that you live

You are not what you eat unless you are eating me
Without the bottom of the barrel, there would be no top
Without the worst, how can you be the best

I am a centipede
Crawl under your skin until your itching to get me out
I can only see you in my dreams until I wake up and it gets turn away
I am sitting here with all my friends so I hope you're not well
Take that spell and give it to a person that gives you hell

Don't give it to a boy that wants to show you the world
You are a serpent from the ocean of hopelessness and liquor
Take that pen and stick it to her

I am not the enemy that you wish I was
I only gave you the love that you deserved
The fact that you didn't recognize it is on you
You lost my respect
You lost my friendship
You sold me out as a devil when I was born a saint

You've been fooling yourself into thinking it was better
Don't get me wrong I thought that too but lucky for me I've got people who will show me what true love is

I've been much better without you

This is a note to myself for when I am 5 years older and am not sure what I've been doing to get here

In a few days I will graduate from a school that taught me much more than just technical skills
In a few months I will be an adult
Life has already taught me so much
I have come to learn that the people that you thought would be around forever up and leave you in the dirt
They will tell you that you are pretty then stomp on your headstone

I want you to know that this is not an ode to you
More of a **** from me to you
I am glad that you are leaving this all behind
I am sick of faking it because that's the easier route
I want to be genuine but you make it hard to give the time

I will try to keep this short and sweet as of not to bore you
But I am sorry if I continue to ramble on
A lot of moments in my life have led to where I am today and I wasn't really sure what to think when I looked back on everything
Was I happy or was I just saying that it would get better because I didn't want the feelings of pain swarm my brain

The moment that you look back in 5 years when you have a family and maybe even a dog
Think of me
Miss me
I am what you thought was not worth your time
Regret it
Resent it
Much like the alcohol that you struggle to swallow down I come with a punch

I am sorry that this is may not be what you wanted as a goodbye
But it is the only thing that I could give you at the moment
This is the time of your life
Enjoy it but always remember
Life is a party and I am the host

0
Here I am scribbling more notes
That I will never ever ever ever let you see
But yet here I am showing you guys
I am terrified of what's to come, okay?
I am not happy with myself
I want to get my license so that I can drive off the bridge that I crossed every Sunday on the way to church
I  am cursed but with a blessing
I miss the fact that you are happy with life
I miss the parties at your dads house
I miss the people that I cared so much about
I miss feeling like I was worth just a morsel of your time
90
They say This is the best time of your life
So tell me why I feel at my worst
18 has got to be my year
If it's not I swear I'll do nothing with anything
I am the war field that our grandparents killed each other on
I am cold down to my shaky bones
But I still have the heat of the cigarette I lit
I have the warmth of a beating heart no matter how many times that it will break
There is a purpose to being broken
To some you'll seem worthless
But to the golden ones you are a point
I am not the person that is the star basketball player
I am not the smartest person ever
180
I am the person that will hold you deep into the night
I am the person that will buy you flowers and brush dirt over your grave
Don't worry that I will miss you when you are gone
I am not a teenager that isn't racing for the fences
I am climbing bridges and scaring my friends
The only moment that really matters is the day of your death
You will truly know who shows you what you mean
If you don't understand what I just said
Think about it
Lay in your bed at night and think
270
When it comes to you text all of your friends
Tell them that you love them
That they are the only thing that matters
Without them you wouldn't be here
Without there support you cannot push through one more day
You will live on
You are a flower that is growing more and more everyday
The sun is shining bright and the wind is blowing
Take a deep breath and hit the ground
360
The light is not your home

Day to day
Is the same old same old
You never do anything different
You wake up and work the same 9 to 5 job
You come home to the same dark apartment

What could have happened
If you had kissed that other girl back in high school
Instead of driving home with no one beside you
Would you be alone in your bed again tonight

There is not one single path
One filled with destiny
The others are just mere chances
If you get the golden road your lucky
If you stumble onto the black one you die
This is not fate

I believe with everything that I have
Everyday is a missed opportunity for something
A new pet, a new phone, a new friendship
But instead you settle for the same old same old

With crusty eyes and sore knees
You through yourself into your work
That was all you knew
Who needed happiness when you had money
But what happens 20 years later when you're on your death bed
No one is coming to see you
It's just the same old same old
The same old same old

I have been slacking on writing
I've been letting the words fall out of my mouth
Mumbles and concerns
The moment that I let go off the rope, I will fall to my knees
The crack of my spinal cord falls closely behind
I need to feel the water drip off my transparent skin

I promise this was not your doing
More of my undoing on behalf of my fighting parents
The constant gnawing at my skin to see the red river flow
I am the kid who was riding his bike down the street at 12 am because my parents were fighting again

I'm going to the river
I'm going to jump in and drip away
I miss the smiling faces of my grandparents
The smell of the garden in the summer dew
I am breaking my bones so that I can crumble into the ground

Don't let yourself sleep in
This is not motivation
This is an expression
Without the river, we would be the drought

I am the worst nightmare
Something you don't want to see in your dreams
The taste of blood gets me exciting
I am the worst baby, I swear

Come on, Come all
Lets see a show
Full of misfits, big and small
I've got a secret
Oh, something you've just got to know

We'll all join hands and spin
This is all just for fun
Come along with me
Nighttime is all that you will see
We come alive when you say goodbye to the sun

You're a fun-house
I'm a freak
Can't I just play with your bones
Unbutton your blouse
And play in the sheets

There will be bright lights and deaf noise
This is a paradise that I desire
A place with no such thing as restrictions
You can now play with all of the toys

COME AND SEE

I must be talking about only one thing
Something that is by no means, heavensent
I am sick
I am aroused with excitement
This is the death of you and me

This is the crusty eye feeling when you first wake up
This is the summer time heat in the dead of the night
The kitchen light underneath your bedroom door when you're too scared to sleep
That "diamond" ring you got out of the 50 cent machine at the convenience store
The old veterans hat that you wore until you were 11 because you thought you were making a difference
The stinging feeling of getting your ears pierced by your best friend
This is the history books that bore you to death during class

This is not
I repeat not
About that pain you feel when you think of how many people die because suicide every ten minutes
This is not the spider weaving a home in the corner of your ceiling
This is not the uneasy feeling after a nap that was a little bit too long
The glass that ripped up your arms when you were in a head on collision at 17
The corner of cook and 12th street where you had your first kiss
The scared feeling of telling your parents you like the same gender as your own
The punches from that bully who takes your lunch money every morning

Sometimes I feel prehistoric
All of these memories that I will soon forget
Much like the mammoths did when they froze over

You've got my head spinning
But in a good way
Who is the being you see at night
Is it me in your bed
Or the other boy that's in your head
My life is turning to gold
The past me is coal

I lay in your bed
I am breathing uneven
You hold my hand
You whisper something under your breath
What was that you said

I am eternal I am the lion
I am not you and you are not me
We are we but who is we
We is whatever you want it to be
This is not the end it's just a redo
A beginning of a new you

I am the one you call home
When you've got nowhere else to go
I am a second choice to the voice of the call
Tell me do you see galaxies in my eyes
Or the dull sense of disguise

On the drive home
You tell me you love me
I don't believe you
Get the **** out of my car
I am racing down the highway
Going 200 miles per hour the wrong way
I am going straight through oncoming traffic
I hope someone swerves the wrong way
Forces me through the windshield
Bc I pull the e brake on my life
Stop

My mouth is bleeding
And my knuckles hurt like hell

I am whispering under my breath
And punching the air

I touch my nose and flinch
That's gonna take awhile to heal

I've been waiting 3 years to see you
How does that make you feel

You should see the other guy
He got taken out by ambulance

I walked through those **** double doors
That place was called "Renegade 9"

You hit me straight in the nose
It sent a chill down my spine

There's blood running from my nose
I can feel it's warmth on my lips
I am dizzy

I didn't even know the guy but he looked like he could pack a good punch
So I started flirting with his girl

That got him real riled up
He was at least 150 pounds heavier than me

My head is pounding
My ears might bust
I think I should probably rest but my legs won't stop moving

I felt like Rocky Balboa
I felt like Muhammad Ali

I was the next world champion
Or the next accidental death at the bar down the street

I lived 50 miles away
I am walking home

I am smiling
I am running
This is my life
I am alive

I do not feel like myself
I am not my own
I am no longer on the inside nor the outside
I'm just.. here
Or maybe there
My skin does not feel like how I remember

Am I a boy or girl
Does it even matter
Gender is an illusion that was pushed on us by our founding fathers
Oh how great they were

They brought us together from chaos
And we could never repay them
Do we need to?
Is that what is meant when they say to not sin?

What if God isn't just one person but an idea
An entity of a group
A feeling that exists in each of us

Today is a new day
And it's still gloomy as ever
The rain drips down my window
I blow out to see my breath crack against the glass
What is the point of redoing everyday
To grow old?
To get married?
Have a wife, kids, a family?
Grow old and wither away

I think that's the answer
We are all part of the cycle
Reincarnate into something entirely new but yet just the same
There is a point to all of this
And with these tears in my eyes
I'm yelling it to the skies

I've been up all night
But I guess you wouldn't know
You've been in his bed
Ever since our last fight

I guess that's it
Single love down the drain
Out the door in this snow
Do you feel my pain?

I'm not getting better
I'm just getting used to the idea
That I'm no longer yours
No one can make me feel like you do

We're just friends
But you still light a fire in my lungs
Make my finger tips ache
From not being able to touch you
They're scared of losing
And so am I
'Ha.. Terrifying'

So tell me
What do I do
Do I wait around for you
Or push you farther away
Don't toy with my emotions
I don't understand what you do to me
I can't handle it
I'm confused
I'll pretend again tomorrow

Fill every crack in my body with cement and wine
Sober me up with stale breath and cold finger tips

Sting my skin with the fire of your words
Make my insides spin when I think of our last moment together

I am breathless but yet full of energy
I am running but my feet haven't left the ground
I am spinning without becoming dizzy
I am without reason
Something you always taught me

Take my silence and turn it into a poem
Something that can be spoken to the heavens
Of higher power to be spewed upon them in a way that is inhumanly
I'll see you at the viewing
I'll be in black
You'll be in your best dress

It was so brief
Not even my eyes could've have caught it
Once there now gone

I am vain
I am emotional
I am king

I feel every morsel of my body tense up
I'm looking at your headstone
Counting the bouquets of dead flowers

You were my rain and shine
You were divine

I am the sign
Saying you're going the wrong way
Turn back now

I am crippled from the thought
I have a headache and this room feels smoky
There's strangers in every dark corner
You always told me not to be in these situations

You disappeared and I fell into the darkness
I am painless I am stainless
Many have tried painting there words into my skin but it's all melted away shortly after

The only thing that ever stayed with me was something you branded into my arm last summer

"I love you. I miss you"

I've become very analytical
I'm waking up every morning and then laying back down three times over
I go to turn on my light switch and miss and I miss and I miss again
I walk out my front door and pull the door slowly
God so slowly, as to not wake anyone

I walk down the street and I'm counting my steps
200, 201,202,203, keep going

I hold hands with my girlfriend and I won't stop holding her hand until she breaks away
I have this habit of picking at my cuticles
But I pick too far and then they bleed all over the carpet
They are constantly pink and puffy
Much like my broken down lips

I am so tired of hearing
"You're not ******* good enough"
As my father hits me again
I lay there counting the blows as my mouth is bleeding on the ground
I draw a smiley face in the puddles
That only ****** him off more
And he hits me harder
There is a smashed mirror sitting on the ground across from us
I catch a glimpse of myself smiling
What the **** is wrong with me

I wake myself up from nightmares
Every night at the same **** time, 4 am
I hear my mother talking in her sleep
We have a conversation that only I will remember
This is my nightly schedule and it will not change
I will not change

I paint my nails black to cover up the fact that they are purple and blue from pulling them from the skin one too many times
My eyes are dark as if I've been in a fight everyday for the past week
It's just my lack of sleep

People talk to me and I don't hear what they are saying
There mouths move and silence
My mind spins and spins
Like its part of a machine factory
I am hitting myself in the head
Trying to break the thread that tangles my thoughts so that I can finally form words
This is me
And I can't ever take any of that away from myself

It's not cool

Your brain is a utopia but it's not invincible
You make one wrong move and you're out
Don't tear from the roots up and claim "it wasn't me"
Every decision that you make is on you

You stare in the mirror and what do you see?
something you don't want to be?
All you have to do is change who you are
Make decisions that will benefit over falter

Kids these days thinking that it's cool to do drugs and drunk drive
Killing themselves and leaving there family behind
For what? Now your mom got one less mouth to feed? **** that

I'm tired of this illusion that deterring your health is what gets you by
"I just need another drink, another hit"
You need help, you're sick

Get up, change your ***** *** clothes that you've been sleeping in for the past week and take a shower
It's not a math equation its commonsensical

You're not cool

You feel like a tattoo
Not the burning into my skin effect,

But the constant feeling of something that you can't actually feel being there

I want to shave my head for the satisfaction of seeing my thoughts again

Not through my eyes but my brain
And I think if I didn't have hair id be less clouded

The feeling of dried blood on my knuckles
Has been the only constant thing in my life

I pick and I pick and I pick
I'm picking you out of my head now

I'm so afraid of the future, yes
But I'm more scared of my past so I'm running away

I have been smoking again
I haven't done that in awhile

It helps when I need a feeling
Just something between my lips

The burning of my lungs will always be better than the burning of my heart

I think I'm okay again
Or maybe I'm just fooling around again

I'm not sure where I'll be tomorrow
But I'm moving on today