I've become very analytical
I'm waking up every morning and then laying back down three times over
I go to turn on my light switch and miss and I miss and I miss again
I walk out my front door and pull the door slowly
God so slowly, as to not wake anyone
I walk down the street and I'm counting my steps
200, 201,202,203, keep going
I hold hands with my girlfriend and I won't stop holding her hand until she breaks away
I have this habit of picking at my cuticles
But I pick too far and then they bleed all over the carpet
They are constantly pink and puffy
Much like my broken down lips
I am so tired of hearing
"You're not ******* good enough"
As my father hits me again
I lay there counting the blows as my mouth is bleeding on the ground
I draw a smiley face in the puddles
That only ****** him off more
And he hits me harder
There is a smashed mirror sitting on the ground across from us
I catch a glimpse of myself smiling
What the **** is wrong with me
I wake myself up from nightmares
Every night at the same **** time, 4 am
I hear my mother talking in her sleep
We have a conversation that only I will remember
This is my nightly schedule and it will not change
I will not change
I paint my nails black to cover up the fact that they are purple and blue from pulling them from the skin one too many times
My eyes are dark as if I've been in a fight everyday for the past week
It's just my lack of sleep
People talk to me and I don't hear what they are saying
There mouths move and silence
My mind spins and spins
Like its part of a machine factory
I am hitting myself in the head
Trying to break the thread that tangles my thoughts so that I can finally form words
This is me
And I can't ever take any of that away from myself