Light
I tried
The curtains as my witnesses
Tried to bail out my banned soul
The moon hears all the whisperers
Breathing thicker air than us

Hear the groans and moans of wolves
Across my river's path of tears
Crushed under wheels of carrousels
Like anyone hold near

These horrid beasts under my dirt
Spare me my troubled sin
It's not a soul I hide in there
For I never let light in.

Dead inside
Just want to die
See my thick blood drip to the floor
Drizzling over those fake memories
Fake love
Fake remedies
My heart still at war
Slit my wrist
Just one more time
I can't bear, I can't exist

Blood dripping down the drain
Rusty old pain
Take away yesterday
So I can't get hurt tomorrow
Please
Stab me
Slice me
Don't want to stay
I cannot belong here
Won't survive either way

Hand me the knife, will ya
No worries
I am doing great.

**** me please
I can't endure
All this pain you put me through
Shoot me now
And you will see
The soil flowing out of me
Dead flowers drying in the heat
My grave filled with deceit
Rotten hope
Not build to last
Ghost that'll hunt you
From my past
Thinking you did the right thing
Still your actions sting
Poison in my long cold heart
Like that we'll never be apart.

You broke my heart
But I love you
With all the pieces
Shattered 'round
This walking carcass
Hollow eyes
Still blossoming
With bright purple flowers
All I need
Is to think of you
The shards of my heart light up as one
Make me whole again

Almost expecting you to pull up my drive way
Like nothing happened
Like nothing's broken, nothing's scarred
Here to light my heavy heart

Songs I've never heard
Doing their best
To tell me their meaning
Screaming, yelling, weeping

Your message through the skies
Of incomprehensible loneliness
Feelings travel through the mists
Unsure if they even exist

I feel my mind
Gliding down
Deeper and deeper I am sinking
Into this state of wishful thinking.

Still've got your voice inside my head
Saying all these beautiful things
Funny, heartbreaking, loving things
Memories I can't forget
Not strong enough yet to accept
You're no angel, ain't got no wings

Everytime my phone rings
A part of me believes it's you
To tell me you do love me
That there's truth in said things

But it's never you.

Oh, raise your hand up child
Hold it up to the light
Those sparks in your eyes
Don't let them dim tonight

I know your eyes see fear
When lost they look around
Can't hope for too much dear
Your heart remains unfound

And cold
Is what wraps around you
To hold
Those wolves that hound you
Hear them howl
See what it amounts to
I know that scowl
I've worn that mask too

Gathered here, miles from home
Aching feet through the dirt
Dragging hearts around like stone
Notes of pain written on your bones

So raise your hand
So that I might find you
Not all roads should be walked alone
Sometimes the company we keep
Is what we end up calling home

Longing to tell you everything
All that's hiding in my mind
All the spiders in my brain
And all the songs that are left to sing

My words so meant for you to hear
Explaining why my heart is so pitch black
At the same time, glowing with this deep red love
I just desperately want you near

Thinking of your loud sweet voice
And your scarred heart, broken so many times
In so much need of healing
I don't think I have a choice

But to lay awake
Worrying about your troubled mind
Feeling all your pain inside
Both our hearts and lives at stake.

Hated you a thousand times
Called you a million names
Now hating you into a rhyme
With every word it takes

I hate the way you tell your jokes
Hate even more that I smile
Can't stand the way you roll your smokes
And how you never walk the line

I don't even like your golden hair
And how it never looks the same
Despise the way you live so free
How you know no shame

I hate the way this poem makes me feel
My anger fades away
I know and knew this long before,
I could never hate you a day

I loved you a thousand times
Whispered a million sweet little names
While hating you into a rhyme
With every tear it takes.

There you are,
Long-awaited gentleman
Black figure in the shadows
I know you
Know what you do
While you wait there in the black
You do not scare me
No grief
Part of me is you
You will always be there
Always exist
Without you, no me
Dark and yet familiar
But I'm not making a mistake
I'm not going with you.

Time
Unease
All the lights went out as one
Before blasting back on again
Flashing a thousand times per second
And everyone of them I count
And it counts me out

Feeling
Like sixteen again
Take a bottle
Forget a pill
Look inside
See its filthy still

Shadow holding me
It comes inside
Like filthy things in the night
So I close my eyes
Sew shut my mouth
Trace my words with barbed wire

I feel them carving against my insides
Hooking flesh and trailing blood
Carving words I'll never speak and always feel
Right into my bones

These things will never leave their home
Sleeping sickly between these bones
Spoken from a rotten tongue
To keep inside
To say to no one
Cause I am no one

I'll keep on sleeping
In this body pretending to be awake
I'll keep on feeling
In this body pretending to be okay

And maybe
Just a maybe
One day
I might just be okay

Thats the lie I will believe in
To make it through the day

Distant eyes
Watery, just not yet
A hidden waterfall waiting to flow
Let it go
Let it stream
So you can breath again
Even for just a tiny minute

I feel you
Standing near
Though I can't see you
I know you're coming here

To unsettle my gut
And put my mind in unease
Never knowing where you're coming from
Only that you're coming for me

Bad omens in bones and I can't read the stones
But its burning to tell me I'll always be alone

To cast you out is to try and tame the weather
You just can't do it
So I'll wait
Sometimes burying my head
Because to look up is to feel fear

It wears me down
Waiting for the punch to hit the line
And make its mark on this life of mine

This dream
Left my heart sore
Shook me to the core

As if I don't remember
Everything that makes you,
Exactly you

This ache
Over and over and over
Squeezing my heart till it breaks

Doomed to see
You vanish every time
Never set me free

My dreams the only way
To have you so close
Until the rise of day.

It's not you, it's me
As they say

You act as if someone died
They say
Someone did, in fact, die
But it's not you, it's me

Blood has turned cold in my veins
Brains without oxygen
Muscles already stiff
Fake smile glued to my face
Traces of decay almost invisible

One day, there'll be no more left
Just some teeth, some hair
On top of rotting flesh
The piercing smell of betrayal
With a hint of loneliness

Dirt like a blanket
Tucking me in
My skull still smiling
With hollow eyes
So long, my broken heart

I don't know how, I don't know why
I don't know where I've found this strength
What I do know, however
Is that I now understand

You were a child, too
You didn't mean to hurt me
With your own troubles and demons
Something I so long couldn't see

A story always has two sides
One can never tell what another is going through
Just know, with my heart and soul
I have finally forgiven you.

Going crazy without you
Not knowing where you are
Not knowing where you sleep at night
Going crazy without you
Wondering if you think of me
Wondering if I am, too, your light
Going crazy without you
My heart is full of thorns
No salvation is in sight
Going crazy without you
You took my sanity when you left
Nothing feels right
Going crazy without you
Living in a daze
Crying to survive the night
Going crazy without you
I live a web of lies
In the darkest of bright

Disconnected
Not belonging in any world
Alienated from what once was my life
A scam of who I used to be
Nothing lasts forever, right?

What if I will stay a ghost
An undiscovered kind of poisonous flower
With leaves made of brick
Touching me will make you sick

My words a cloud of teargas
My voice a stinging bee
My thoughts a sword to the heart
Venomous from the start

What is it that I hear
What is that language that you speak
I can't understand a word you say
Or don't say

Violent purple in a sea of green
Your gray eyes mirror the chaos inside
Unable to explain
The depth of your thoughts

Still trying to untangle your emotions
So rarely shown
Threatening sometimes
Sad, more or less

Your anger building up
Erupting from your insides
You unstoppable volcano
I better run and hide

I remember days I’ve never had
Up the Ferris wheel it was getting to my head
Nervous shaking, hand to hand
Side to side sitting, top of the world and over end
And the breeze blowing kisses, now we’re never going to land

At the peak the world turned over
You and me way up high got frozen
City lights, the crowd below, feathers of a bird
And our hearts unfold
A kaleidoscope of dizzying heights
Everything captured silent in wide open eyes

We rise and fall with the breaths held in our chests
Slowly coming down, feet to earth, hand in hand
Walking on feathers, barely there but very near
The sound of mutual heartbeats in our ears
Silently stripping away our fears

Tonight we’re higher than we’ve ever been
A touch of fire between our skins
A flare, a spark
A kiss in the dark
Before sunrise
Living entire lives
Wrapped together on a bench in the park

And when the morning comes
We find our hearts anew in the sun
And temporarily all is home
Knowing for a moment
We are not alone

Be at ease
Because I'll be there
When the door opens and closes
The people in a hurry to get somewhere
Living empty lifes with lonely hearts

Be at ease
Because I'll be waiting
When the rumbling slows and rises again
The red lights burning bright
A giant moving towards it's destination

Be at ease
Because you're not alone
The iron friend moves along the tracks
He is meant for journey
Not for death

The night, young and  already passing
Never meant to be held for long
Brings a symphony of quiet sounds
Empty and cold against the backdrop
Of cold and unpersonal city lights

Bottles clink and echo in a silent backstreet
As shells of a night's earnings get discarded in a dumpster
And the radiator drips and drops
Accompanied by the sound of a ticking clock

Seconds string together moments
And they're always already gone

Before me the future stretched out
Once broad and promising
Now small and narrowing
It's promise unkept,
Abandoned on the verge of bitter forgetfulness

So what is it
That still hangs on
Is it hope, hamstrung
Stubbornly limping along

The moments know to always let go
And in the eye of the universe
I have already gone

Yet something clings on
And it is hesitant
frail and bashful
Afraid but wanting
Burning to be felt

In my mind resentful
Something splits apart
And I am holding now
Two handfuls
Of something that used to beat a heart

Broken goes
I tip and toe the undertow
Scratched dirt beneath scratched heels
Trailing paper and what I’d feel
If only I had something around my brain
To make me feel whole again
But nothing lasts longer than a cigarette
A can of beer, it’s all wasted breath
Expel the moment
What comes back
Atonement
For sins you think you might remember
But just a kid, a kink, when you were younger
Made your knees buckle, and you went under
Afraid to let go, afraid to surrender

Is it my fault
What has happened here
Time went out and I grew cold
Feeling older than the sum of my years
And it feels as if it’s all stitched together
Moments that collect themselves
In a tin bucket cheaply rendered
And it all feels wrong
Like violins in a marching band
No one knowing what they’re marching for
And everyone’s just waiting for it to end