Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Polaris Miedema Jul 2023
I learned enough in this lifetime.
Yeah, I’m sure, this life that feels like a hundred times its time.
It’s time to fly.
But I’m so numb and sad, nothing left to do or lose.

But really nothing left that works.
And that’s ok, I guess.
Trusting fate because I still believe.
Not in God but in the universe, journeys going the way they’re supposed to.

But don’t you tell me I can’t drink alcohol.
I should’ve been dead if my journey wasn’t so long.
I should’ve been dead but fate…
That f*cking fate.

I don’t understand it but apparently  I still need to be inside this trap, I do feel trapped.
I’m trying my best.
But I’m never really free.
Just a little when the music and the beer will hit me just right.

Oh, fine.
Running with the rules, running through the lines, running on a treadmill.
A hundred times, a hundred lifes long!
03-07-23
Polaris Miedema Jun 2023
I breathe you in without knowing.
And all of a sudden I feel dizzy.
Can’t breathe down.

I remember that girl I used to be living with this feeling.
Breathing.

The pain from somebody.
And the person doesn’t know.
The pain I’m in after I’ve been breathing.
Your smoke.
Your ****.
My muscles are stuck.

I’m in agony for hours, stuck staring.
In this state of tension, anxiety and spasms.
And nobody takes it seriously.
Second hand **** smoke attack.
I used to have these daily because my neighbor didn’t care.

HE smoked so I got stuck or had to flee.
Everywhere but home.
And now having an attack again I’m put right back in that state.

Back to that girl I once was.
The girl that had to face this while breathing in some else’s horror and smoke.
Because she had no other place to be.
Could only run when it was possible or scream.

And then the police took her.
Or they took her because somebody was mean to her and she screamed.
And there was loud noise and it never stopped.

Or somebody was unreasonable but she was the crazy one so the police was called on her.
And she got stripped and touched even though she tried to explain that she had autism.

She didn’t want to be touched.
They touched her everywhere and put her in a cel for hours on her own.

With only a shirt and underpants.
They watched her walking around in circles.
Look at her, the crazy one….

Crazy insane world as usual.
I’m not surprised anymore.
Sometimes I just get reminded of exactly how it felt and it’s a lot to take in.

Especially because I know that I also had my moments of ignorance and I hurt the wrong people.
And I don’t forgive myself even though it was part of the process.

The development, the balance, the truth, the real feelings that are out there.
The darkest pain.

I know it too well.
And knowing is not easy ever.
But maybe it will set me free one day.
21-06-23
Polaris Miedema Jun 2023
I take off my pants whenever I can
The ***** helps me remember to dream.
Am I alive or am I dead?

Changing nicknames to somewhat rebirth me.
Never really but it makes it bearable.
To just be dying and fighting for release.

And I don’t think that being alive is like feeling alive.
I would feel more alive if I knew the door was open to the other side.
Open wide to leave when I need to.

But it’s not that simple.
It won’t remain open.
And when it shuts it shuts for a long time again.

Eve is taking me back to the essence now.
C6ss6ndr6 is reminding me that this is all a dream.
And the ***** helps me.

I take off the layers but they swirl around inside.
Like ashes of confetti.
As I am dancing….
They are still a part of me, these ashes have created me.

Most night I keep on seeing the jellyfish above.
Floating in the sea.
A man’s hand pulls me up saying: Moving back to the shore is never easy.

Jellyfish lying on the shore.
Are they alive or are they dead?
You tell me.
12-06-23
Polaris Miedema May 2023
Blurred vision, always starving, on a verge of crying, staring.
I wish I could run, fly, sing.
But nobody is listening so why should I move?
Nobody’s there now but my own pain, catatonic staring, still restless but stuck.
Drinking but only causing my eyes to sting.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.
I can’t eat, can’t not eat.
Cannot prepare for a party.
So I want a surprise party.
Love and experience.
Cause if I can’t have a moment of freedom I’d rather be dead.
I’d rather not wake up, my dreams are amazing but the days are exploding.
Agony of nothing.
Thinking.
Feeling empty and heavy.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.

Where have I been?
Ever.
Blurry just cramping and tightness, not living.
I wish I could dance and float.
Like a flower on the river.
Not thinking about life living.
No catatonic staring stiffness and pain inside my head that’s never been mine.
I’m experiencing a place I don’t call save since I was born.
I’m sinking down, trying not to drown completely in toxicity.
Cause you still need me for when you come back.
One day you’ll have to let me go and I need to.
Learn to let go.
I’ve grown but feel so down, can’t fly high though I still dream but I know it’s a lie.
In this life.
It’s only keeping me going.
Going into the largest space full of just voids.
And just NOTHING.
Nothing but thoughts and longing, I try to dance but I’m down.
Heavily sinking down into nothing, I wish I was free enough to set myself free….
Free me and let me find freedom.
19-05-23
Polaris Miedema May 2023
Can’t block out all the noise in and outside of my mind by covering my ears.
I’m not learning to have it all just figured out for life, I’m just broadening my mind.
But if you’re dealing with somebody other than yourself you’re not learning alone.
It’s hard to stay within me when somebody is there to be a loving fellow.
And not just flowing easily beside me.
But bumb into me from time to time.
To be inside me head, not just my heart.
12-05-23
Polaris Miedema Apr 2023
I want to throw up the ocean but I'm holding it in.
Keep holding it in.
One more day, I keep saying.
Everyday the same.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.
It went too far.
Throw me back in that ocean.
Drown me in those stings.

I am never free.
Like when I dive in the ocean.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I've never known another place than the bottom.
The darkness, the cold.
I drop myself before I will explode into a thousand pieces.
Pieces of sand.

But my spirit will rise.
As long as I dive.
Deeper, deeper, deeper let me drown.
I'm dark and so light.
I will always cry for the people I love, for the pain that I've known.
All my life.

Every type of different kind.
And it made me drown.
And only rise when I can let it out.
I throw up an ocean if I don't drown.
Same old pain.
Can't let it go.

Went too far but it had to and now I'm down forever.
Till I'm gone forever.
Drowned forever.
Like this world has swallowed me.
And thrown me up, purged me out so far.

I was the breaking iceberg that sank.
A creature under the sand.
A black piece of land on the bottom from the day that I came here.
I tried not to come here.
And yet...
Drowning forever till I'm sand.
I'm sad like the ocean.
Sad like the moon.
Sad like the dark nights, light as a piece of sand.
Spirit is free.
21-04-23
Polaris Miedema Apr 2023
Waking up but still in a coma.
Stumbling after drinking, still aware but laughing.
The music changes my mood but mostly at night.
I’m toxic inside.
Resentful towards life.

But also just rebelling.
I’m not angry usually, just not comfy.
Just so tired.
Who isn’t?
But I’ve been tired for so long now.
Even before I started waking.
Up from my coma, still in a coma.

Even before the world would notice that everybody’s tired.
And this world is just a mess.

But we are all trying our best but we have been putting all the blame on others.
When it was nobody’s fault.
What a mess.
No one’s to blame cause there’s a reason and a journey and generations and religion.
Different eras that should be outgrown.
Stop the nonsense, be your truth, that’s what I learned.
16-04-23
Next page