By. Lauren

I remember touching his hand.
You asked me if he felt dead.
If he felt cold.
Numb.
You said I would feel sad.
Like I had lost a part of myself.
Yet I felt alive.
Like nothing had gone missing.
No need for searching.
When I touched his hand I felt the loss of blood.
The lack of emotions.
Like there was no one.
Yet I stayed calm.
It was as if I never knew him to be alive.
It was all the same.
The hand did not change.
From free to casket nothing was different.
He was only gone.
Only dead.
But was he ever alive to begin with?

By. Lauren

Inspiration I find myself looking.
Looking for something to do something to say.
Exploring this new place.
A fondness of delight.
A curiosity not yet fulfilled.
Inspiration where are you?
I've been looking for you in all the wrong places.
In all the wrong creases.
This place is not your home.
Inspiration why did I think you would arrive here too?
Why must you be so rude?
Inspiration why won't you come with me.
I'm searching and searching.
But where are you?
How will I live without this longing being fulfilled?
Inspiration all I want is you.
To hold your hand in this unknown land.
For us to be in this together once more.
Inspiration it's time.
I love you.

By. Lauren

I do not want to be depressed.
Mom I am trying.
I can not keep apologizing.
I took the blade to my own skin it was not a demon from god.
I'm just trying.
Mom will you listen!?
I can not apologize.
Mom I do not believe.
Why must you say that I brought this upon myself?
Mom god did not send me a devil.
You can not drown my depression in a sea of Jesus.
Mom I brought this upon myself it is all my own mind.
Mom I can not believe.
Not in a god you claim made me this way.
Mom.
I do not want to be depressed.
I just want to be me.
To be free.
Not free from a demon
But free from me.

By. Lauren

I do not feel at home here in this cathedral of emptiness.
Not a place to lie my head only a place that will break my heart.
Snap my bones.
Then throw me out.
How do you expect me to feel at home here?
Whenever I stay here I hear thumping in the walls.
It's as if someone is coming to get me.
How am I supposed to feel at home here?
Sleeping in the rooms marked "do not enter".
You hide me as if I am a creature.
I do not feel at home here!
I need a break.
A breath of air.
I'm sick of this darkness!
And I'm sick!
I'm sick of being sick!
But you keep hiding me.
Will you stop?
Send me home.
I do not feel at home here.
Not in this cathedral of emptiness.
Not here where I can not lie my head  only break my heart.
Snap my bones.
Then be thrown out as if I was an unwanted creature.
A useless guest.
Just a waste.
This is not home.

By. Lauren

Am I not allowed to be me anymore?
Can I not be free?
Must I seek your approval?
An object in your fantasy.
That is not who I am.
That is not who I love.
I do not think like you.
Why must you hurt me?
Can I not just be me?
Just simply free.

By. Lauren

You told me we needed to talk.
The words that upset me the most.
The words you frequently spoke.
Not due to anger.
Just simply being disappointed in your own spawn.
Every time I apologized you said it was fine.
If it was truly fine then why must you yell?
Why must you yell "we need to talk."
Your voice raising to interfere mine.
Why must you take that tone?
The sounds never interlocking only blocking.
"I'm sorry" is all I know how to say.
Yet you continue to raise your voice
Because "we need to talk."

By. Lauren

You where never one to strike my interest.
Walking around with your mallet yet missing every cue.
Must I keep tempo for you?
Each beat to lose myself in.
Yet another tick from interest.
Will you ever learn the rhythm?
Will you ever strike my interest?
It seems like all you know is walking around with your mallet missing every blatant cue.
Must I help you?