I feel an Ache
It’s deep in my bones
Down to the very core of my being
And it makes me sick
Every time I’m nice
And am repaid in insults
Or mean jokes

I know I give out plenty of those
Cruel jokes
And mean insults
But sometimes
It feels as if they
Never compliment me
Never smile

My heart aches
When I try so hard
To change my ways
To change how they see me
And then
It doesn’t work
And my heart splits

So why?
Why do I continue to try?
Why do I bend backwards,
Sideways,
Into painful twisting shapes,
Just to please people?

My heart
It constantly aches
And I’d give anything
To make it stop

If you ask around
You’ll hear “yes” on a repeat
“She’ll stay up on a call until midnight if you’re upset”
“She cares for everyone so much”

But you'll find your way to the ones
Who disagree with the others
I know what they call me
Selfish
Manipulative
And various other things

Could I have done something differently?
Said one little thing
Just to change what you think of me
Or maybe I shouldn't have
Said anything at all

Don't get me wrong
I am happy to have you out of my life
But still
I can't seem to stand
The idea of someone hating me
I know I can't please everyone

So I guess the answer
Is that I don't know
I'd like to think I am
But so many others would argue against it
So,
Am I a Good Person?

Am I awful?
Because I still think you're using me
Just because I'm nearby and she isn't
Is it okay for me to keep feeling like this?
You told me not to pursue but I never intended to
You have her
And she has everything I don't

I know I'm annoying
A pain in the neck
An easily flustered girl
But you called me cute
You said you loved my laugh

It hurts me so badly
Knowing that you can't see
How badly it cuts me
When you say things like that

When you trace circles over my skin
I want to cut it off
Not because I hate you
But because I can't stop falling

I hate myself for falling for you
Because you have her
And I'm just me

So please spare me my feelings
And tell me,
Am I awful?

I need answers like I need air
Answers no one else can give me
No one but I should know the answers
Yet I don't
I scream into the void of my own soul
And nothing screams back

Why do I feel this way so quickly?
Is it just excitement?
Or the door to something more?

Please
Someone
Anyone
Just give me the answers
I so desperately need

I've spent too long
Wondering why,
Why when I do so much
For everyone else
Do they never
Do as much to help me?

Am I being narcissistic with that?
I want to say no
And I also want to say yes

Am I supposed to apologize for that?
How nauseating
Blaming myself
For things I don't understand

I wont blame myself for what you did

Are you serious?
Expecting me to just lower my head
And say
"Yes, it's my fault,
I'm sorry"

I wont anymore
I finally care about who I am

So no,
I wont apologize

There is a disconnect
Between my mind and my mouth
My thoughts get lost
And come out in fractured sentiments
Never painting a clear picture
Of how I feel or think
I can portray only the most basic of thoughts

That I love those dear to me
That I enjoy an array of things
But never why
An explanation is something
That I am incapable of

I cannot explain why something
Like a song or media
Makes me feel so deeply
I cannot defend the things I care about
Because I cannot find the words verbally

I am doomed to only articulate my thoughts
Through writings few will ever see
How hopeless I feel
And how desperately I wish
That I could communicate like others

It's a common issue
This inability to sleep
So many others face the same torment
A thousand thoughts race through my mind
Asking a hundred questions
With no time to breathe or even answer them

Laying awake
Staring at patterns on my ceiling
Dissecting the meaning of a phrase
Replaying a moment I could have done better

Wondering endlessly
If there is a deeper meaning
Or if I'm perhaps just overthinking
Looking for a meaning I want
When there is nothing there

Thinking with no sign of stopping
About how I lie
To myself
To everyone
Perhaps to protect myself
But what good does it do?
Thinking if it is a lie
Spiraling to places I don't want to be

I just want sleep's embrace
To free me from my own mind
From my own cruel words
Cutting into my heart like daggers
Telling myself horrid things
That other people inflicted upon me

Won't someone free me?

A mind is an expansive
Infinite place
Where you can build a thousand worlds
With a billion voices
Chattering away
Living their make-believe lives

And it’s so beautiful
It is a beautiful escape
From the dull drone
That day to day life brings

Warm sunny beaches to warm your skin
Even though terrors lurk beneath the waters
Then cold mountains with dwarves and trolls
Or to market places in a city that doesn’t exist
With exotic foods that aren’t real
Doesn’t that sound better
Than the sad news
Surrounding everyone?
Bring your worlds to life
Share them with everyone
Give others a little relief from the dull drone
Give others some
Of that beautiful escape

Oh what beauty
Such stark and true moments
The little moments I look upon
When others think no one can see
The way your head bobs to the music
The way your lips move
To the words of the songs

The thing I adore the most
Is that fire in your eyes
When someone says you can’t
And that lights the spark
Then you go out and prove it
But afterwards
You still have that fire
The fire of a thousand stars
Because by god you want to be above it all
And you are
By god you are
With that ever
Beautiful Fire

Beauty is everywhere
In everything
I see it
In the smallest cracks in stone
In that smile you have
Right after some stupid joke

I can see the stardust
That makes up everything
I see it when I’m awake too long
Or when I’m looking
Into your eyes

Beauty is in everything
And I adore seeing it
Because as of late
It feels as if beauty is dying
Because people are smiling less
The sky has grown dark
The lights stop the Stars
From shining through

But I feel a flutter in my chest
When I see the stardust
And the beauty
In almost everything

I'll break it myself
Before you have no other choice
Because the feelings won't stop
Flooding my mind
Soothing my thoughts
Like a cool calm creek
That I adore sitting with
And playing in

Yet a voice cries out from within
My voice
Reminding me
That these feelings
This warmth I created
Is pointless
That there is no world
Where another person
Could both know me
And still want me

So I'll break it myself
With my own two hands
I'll raise my heart high above me
And smash it on the rocks below
I'll sit
And watch the waves of my feelings
Take the shards away
And deposit my heart
Once more whole
At my feet
So I may stand up
And break it myself all over again
To spare myself the ache
Of you doing it for me

There's something inside of me
That is deeply broken
And I don't know what it is
Or how to fix it
I'm not sure when it broke
Or if it ever worked
But I hate it

My words and actions
Come out all wrong
I act thoughtlessly
Hurting those around me
Without ever meaning to
How they do not hate me
As I hate myself
Is a mystery
That I will never be able to grasp

I want to be good
Desperately want to be good
I want to treat the people I love
Tenderly, gently
Yet I never can seem to
When they tell me I've hurt them
I feel shocked
Trying to retrace what I did or said
To find the source
Of what about me is inherently wrong

Perhaps it would be better
If I was never around at all
I could never hurt anyone that way
But oh
If I vanished
It would hurt them nonetheless
How cruel of me

Have I done something wrong?
Was it some joke I made?
Some stupid, stupid comment?

Did I misstep?
Was it a misunderstanding
Of our boundaries?
Of my purpose as your friend?

Was I a plaything?
Or was I a real friend?

I don’t know what has happened
One moment
I was fine
Okay
I felt right in the group
But sometimes
I feel ignored
Despised
Like people just want
Me to go away

It’s worst at lunch
It feels like I show up
And then they leave
Like my arrival was their cue

Have you ever been so angry
That it burns a hole?
A deep scorched hole in the very center of your soul
And when that fiery anger passes
Because it always does
The hole turns cold
It floods your center
Then pushes throughout your veins

When the cold hits me I curl inwards
I want to stop breathing
Guilt of the things I’ve said or done
Bend my head into a sorrowful bow
As if I’m wearing a concrete crown

Anger is a cold poison
It won’t **** anyone
But it attacks our minds
The bridges we so carefully built
To our families
Our friends
Those we love
It chews through wood and steel
And sets it all on fire with the burning of a thousand stars

And when it’s over
You and I are left
Surrounded by heaps of smoldering ashes
And a cold hole through our chests
Because anger
Anger is a vile
And cold
Poison

It's a virtue,
I've been told
To wait
Ever patiently
Like a doll on a shelf
No matter how long
Or how hopeless
You must wait

Yet wait for what?
For whom?
When you are dying
Surrounded by flames and debris
How can you be told to be patient?
When no one seems to be coming
How is that not cruel?

How could anyone be patient
Praying for relief
For rescue
When it feels so much of the world
Has turned a blind eye

So we all must cry out
As one loud voice
And pray to be heard by someone
By anyone

I'm not stupid
I know what being alive is
But
It's infuriating
I can walk and talk
I breathe and I eat
I think and I make choices
But I've stopped feeling
Nothing has brought it back to me
I dont feel trapped in my own mind
I feel like part of me was stolen
I have an empty void in my chest
I would argue that I'm dead
I am Dead but walking

I keep getting asked why
Why have I stopped feeling?
What brought this on?
And I want to answer
But how do I answer that?
How do I explain
That my soul and my mind
Are so much older than my body?

People say I'm a glass half empty type
But I'm really not
Because I have no glass anymore
So there's nothing to be empty
Does that make sense?
I imagine not
I just take what feeling I have left
And I pour it out here
So I can try to bring the rest of me back

I feel an agony
In my heart and mind
A deep hole
That aches when I breathe

How did it get there?
When?
These questions
Don’t want to be answered
So the answers avoid them

But I want to know
Who caused this hole?
Why haven’t I noticed until now?

I think
I had something to fill the hole
At least for the most part
But it’s gone now
I cannot warm myself
Under the hot lights
I cannot stay hours to memorize
Silly lines

So I will wait
I’ll wait
For something new to come
And fill the
Deep aching hole
In my chest

It was a loosing fight
You can't win against the forces of nature
They don't reason with you
Or listen when you say please
My fragile body was dashed against
Sharp, ragged, rocks
Rocks that cut me open
And washed my heart away

It was only a matter of time
Before I drowned
How far was I supposed to swim
With years of pain tying me down?

I'd rather be angry
Angry with you
For making me feel so loved
Yet treating me like your therapist

I want to hate you
I wish I could so badly
That would be easier
But you can't be angry with a void
Someone who soaks up all the effort you put in
Just to not give back
Taking all you have to give

Angry is so much easier to handle
I understand angry
Just like how I now see
What you were doing to me
You had your metaphorical hands
Wrapped so tightly around me
That I couldn't breathe

I was not there for you to treat like this
But even when I told you it was over
You acted so ******* gentle
Sprinkling in your guilt ridden words
But I can see them now

It's amazing
How much more prominent
Red is, without rose colored lenses
So yes
Being angry would be easier
But I never did things easy
So leaving you almost broke me

But I'd rather feel like I'm dying
Than drown in you

They reverberate around my skull
Insults and cruel comments
From people I loved
People I deeply trusted
Words that carve deep into my bones
Phrases I can never unhear

They echo through me
And they won't shut up
Comments on my teeth
Keep me from smiling without laughing first
Whispers about my personality
Make me wish I could learn to shut my own mouth

I've been told it all
That I'm loud, annoying
That I'm doing too much
That I don't care enough
A freak
Too kind
Selfish

Why should those petty words
Still affect me?
Why do they?
Why can't I move on?
I know they were said
By people that didn't know me
Not well enough to matter
They were said in bitterness
To spite me
Hurt me
But it worked
Leaving scars on my skin and mind

But how do I move on?
How do I let go?
I feel I've tried so hard
To move past it
Ignore it
Act confident
Happy
But it turns and twists
Like a knife stuck deep into my ribs
And I cannot grasp the handle to pull it out

I've forgiven them
The people who hurt me
But it doesn't help
Doesn't mend me
Nothing does

No matter how many kind words
I am told
I still find that I want
Nothing more than to disappear
To vanish and lose the echoes forever

How could I stop?
When a thousand words
Rattle around my mind
A million feelings broil in my chest
Things I don't understand
But so desperately want to

I have too much to write
Too much to say
Too much to understand
To ever stop

But when will it ever be enough?
When will I find the words
That solve the gap within me?
That tell me what I am?
That tell me what is broken about me?

I don't think that will happen
An end is an impossibility
Not when there's so much inside of me
Not when the void in my chest
Feels endless

I almost forgot
What it was like
To feel this way again
Excited for the next day
For the days beyond even that

To be able to visualize
And see it like it's right within my grasp
Not a fleeting ghost of an idea
Tangible
Almost real

The sparks through my veins
The ache of longing in my chest
A reason to wake up bright and warm
To laugh and smile
To make an attempt

I don’t care
I have moved forward
Moved onwards
The shackles you placed
Shrugged off like an ugly jacket
Because if I was nothing to you
You’re nothing to me

I feel amazing
As if I could take the world
And place it in my heart
To protect all those who deserve it

I cannot hate you
I don’t have it in me
What I can do
Is never forgive you
And apologize for whatever I did
But what I don’t care about
Is what you have to say
You don’t know me
Only those who know me
Would know you are a liar
Who never cared for me
And decides to spread lies
To make himself look better

I’m just glad
That I can truly say
That I’m
Finally okay

I'd like to take myself apart
With children's safety scissors
Cut my body into strips for a collage
And paste it back together
With a cheap glue stick
In whatever shapes I want
I want to push the scraps into the trash

Or maybe I'll take parts of me off
with a seam ripper
and add new ones
Like a patchwork toy
Maybe then I would see myself
As fixed
Because I'm sick of hating what I see
But I dont want to be
What other people call perfect
I just don't want to be me anymore

There are moments that we wish could last forever
My little brother and I
When certain songs come on
We swing dance
It’s clumsy
And poorly done
But it makes him laugh

When I call my mom
Or when she calls me
The calls never last long enough
Because I have so much I want to say
I say silly things
Just to hear her laugh
Because she’s so far from me
And I miss her so much

My older brother
He used to play games with me
When we were little
Legos
Bionicles
Every toy we had
We’d play all the time
We used to be thick as thieves
Shared all our secrets
We were best friends

Someday I won’t be able to do that anymore
My little brother will be too old
To swing dance to silly songs
While I spin him and dip him
Because he’s too little to try that with me
My mom won’t be around forever
And it shatters my heart
Because one day I’ll want to call her
Just to hear her laugh
Or to make fun of how short she is
Because I want her to cheer me up
And I’ll need her advice
But she won’t answer
And I’m terrified of that day

But the moments with my older brother
They have come and gone
For they were the fleeting moments
Of a childhood short lived
I grew up and so did he
We didn’t talk as much
And it hurt
I used to sit in my room and cry
Wishing we had the bug farm
Or the legos
Just wishing
Praying to a god I never thought was listening
For that closeness with my brother

Moments are fleeting
Enjoy them while you have them
Because once they are gone
You cannot have them back

I feel like I’m floating
Merely drifting around my friends
Never truly fitting in
I hate it
I want to feel as if
I belong somewhere
But I just don’t

By god you don’t help
You look right through me
Like I’m nothing important
But it doesn’t matter
I just wish
That someone would see me
That someone would help me
Feel as if I’m not just drifting
I’m just floating around

I had all but forgotten
What it felt like to laugh this hard
To feel the ache in my ribs
The swoop in my chest
Seeing my screen light up with your name
I had forgotten
How warm another person's hand was
How I ached for the touch of another
For the comfort of not being alone

I had convinced myself I hated it
But perhaps what I hated
Was the one who touched me
Not the act itself
How can I untangle myself
From a web of lies I wove
For my own protection?

How could I have forgotten?
The rush of electricity
When you say something so kind
When you understand my mind
In a way few ever have

What else have I forgotten?
What else have I convinced myself I hate?
Just to protect myself
From feeling so lonely?

Is it right for me to think like this?
To make my choices
Based on how fun someone looks?

Because ****
I feel selfish and shallow
But why should I?
I just want to have fun
What's so wrong about that?

I dont enjoy being bored
So will you be fun?

Why is it such a shock
That a girl like me
Wants fun

The people I spend time around
Aren't the type
To have my kind of fun
And that's fine
Because eventually
I'll find my fun

I have a glass heart
I used to protect it in a steel box
Far removed from the hammer of cruel words
And sorrowful news

But eventually I threw away my box
And now I wear my glass heart
On my chest
Where everyone can see it
I carry glue with me to fix it
Wherever I go
Because people are cruel
And sadness weighs heavy in the air
But I don’t mind anymore

I want to help people
And when others see the cracked
And fixed glass heart
I wear like a proud medal
They feel just a little better about their own
Some say I have a giant heart of gold
But gold melts easily
And bends and crushes under pressure
But my heart is a solid glass
It cracks under pressure but I fix it
Then it’s a little stronger

But with a glass heart it breaks
God it breaks so easily
Rejection shatters it
Fear breaks it in two
But heartache is the worst of it
My heart breaks in a thousand pieces
But I never give in
I kneel
And I take my time to pick up the pieces
And put myself back together
Time after time again
And still I don’t mind
Having a glass heart

I hate myself
For a thousand reasons
My hair is boring
My teeth aren’t perfect
My body doesn’t look like hers
I struggle to think
Of reasons why I, of all people,
Deserve to keep breathing

So I give gifts
I make people laugh
I act weird
I do plenty of odd things
I tell people every good thing
I ever see about them
I make my friends smile
And in those short moments
I like myself
Just a little more than I did before

Then I hear it
God it happens every time
“God she’s so weird”
“Why does she always act like that?”
“She’s annoying”
It breaks my heart
Because I try so **** hard
But I mask my pain
With stupid jokes
Or by being angry
But it still doesn’t change
That your words cut me

But then
Then I’m right back to where I was
I still hate myself
For a thousand reasons
And I just added you to my list

I like to call myself honest
But just how many white lies,
have I told?
How many times
Have the words
"I'm fine"
"I'm tired"
"Just thinking"
Passed my lips?
It was genuine once
I was just scared
I didn't want them to worry
So I lied
But then the poison of a lie
Became addictive
And I couldn't stop
Even as it killed me
I kept lying to them
To myself

I know this is the hand
That fate dealt me
And I should stand up
Choose to not take it
I've just become so cynical
I cant fix it just by breathing
And deciding that I'm better
Honesty is overrated
I prefer the poison of a lie
Its safer that way

I just can't win
Not with you
Not with them
Not with anyone

If I pour my effort into helping others
I'm looking for validation

If I spend time alone with myself
I'm moody or isolating

If I hurt myself
I'm attention seeking

If I speak my mind
I'm just a whiny child

If I pour out my soul to anyone
I'm

What am I when I pour out my soul?
I don't know
I haven't tried

But still
No matter what I do
No matter how hard I try
I still
Can't win

I acted a lot older than I was for years
And I chose it
For my brothers
My mom
My dad
Myself
It’d be a lie to say that it had no role
In shaping who I became

But at sweet age of eight
I grew into my self-inflicted role
Of course eventually
My childhood caught up to me
And for a few years I refused to play “Responsibilities”
I was carefree and did whatever I wanted
But years of playing grown-up
They took their toll
By high school
People told me
I was an Ice Queen

I was distant and cold
I refused to share my burdens with others
And I carried the weight on both my shoulders
Some called me
Brave
Strong
Other called me
Cold
Ice Queen

For years I said I didn’t care
That they didn’t bother me
I was a **** good liar
Their words cut me open like sharp knives

I feel excluded
From everything
From the jokes
To the pains of my “friends”

I feel excluded
Because they don’t talk to me
My friends keep their pain
Why don’t they talk to me?
Didn’t they used to?

I feel excluded
Because they’ll make jokes
And laugh
But they ignore me
Muscle me out of the circles

Did I do something wrong?
Have I outlived my use?
Have I just imposed
This whole time?

I feel excluded
But maybe
Just maybe
I was never included at all

If you didn't have her
Would you want me?
Or one of the hundreds of others
That have also probably fallen for you

If you didn't have her
And I put effort into myself
Could I earn your adoration?

If you didn't have her
How could things go?

I’m sorry
But I’m clumsy in love
I never know what I’m doing
Because people give up
Long before I can learn

If I did something wrong,
Why did you let me continue?
Why didn’t you say anything?
Why?
That’s the only question
I can manage to mutter

I’m afraid
If I say anything other than why
That tears will come falling out
Following my gasps for air
Because his words
Hit my ribcage
Like a metal bat
And I don’t understand
Because I thought I was fine
I said I was fine
Why can’t I just be fine?

So yeah,
I’m sorry
I’m sorry I don’t know
What the hell I’m doing
I’m sorry I can’t learn
Overnight
How not to hurt people
I’m just sorry
Because I’ll never be enough
If I can’t learn

Because no one can teach me
My parents were useless examples
No lover stays long enough
And seeing it on shows feels completely wrong
So yeah
I’m sorry

A place within my mind
Where I store a number of things
Memories that shape me
Feelings that carved their place
I put you in there
Right next to my mother's lullaby
Far from the bottles of different fights
I fold my feelings for you gently
As I tuck them away
Into the box
With everything else I can't bear
To ever let go of
Even if it hurts me

I'd like to stay here a while,
Is that alright?

Just let me lay here while you talk
And talk
And talk
And I'll listen,
Is that alright?

Can I cheer you on,
When no one else does?
Is that alright?

I'd like to hear you ramble excitedly
About things I dont understand,
Is that alright?

Is it alright for me to care so much,
So devote myself to helping you?

Is it alright for me to put everyone above me?

Is this alright?

Am I alright?

It's so strange to admit
That I miss touches
That I miss laying against someone
And watching our favorite movie
And knowing it so well
That most of the time
We just quote the lines

I miss feeling someone lips on mine
Distraction kisses
So I get a few more points in a game

I miss being loved
In a Rose tinted light

What am I doing wrong?

Hey.
Are you there?

I just wanted to talk,
I've started feeling it again.
The feeling like I'm plastic,
Like I'm about to be melted down,
And remade into something new again.

I'd like to do that,
I'm that plastic bottle
The one you refil over and over again
Even though it's all crinkled.
And then you finally
Throw it in the recycle bin.

I'm just waiting in anticipation
To be remade
Into something New Again.

There’s this story
If you fold one thousand
Paper cranes
You can make a wish
And I wonder
If I fold a thousand paper cranes
What would I wish for?

World peace?
Unlimited money?
Happiness?
Everlasting and eternal?
No,
I’d wish to read minds
Or to fly
Or to know everything there is to know

See I can say that all I like
Others might believe it
But I know it’s not true
I’d wish for my friends to be happy
To want for nothing
To never feel the sting
Of being alone
Or excluded

But I don’t think
I could ever fold a thousand
Paper Cranes

Please don't hate me
Please dont turn away from me
Please dont leave me alone to rot

That's all I can do in my mind
All I can manage to do
Is beg to not be abandoned

I take pride
In seeing the world
In vibrant
Wonderful colors

But that is not always it
Actually,
I see the worlds in shades of grey
Dull
Boring
Bleak
I hate it

I used to try and force the colors
To see the world through happy glasses
I had gotten so used
to wearing

I smile and laugh
When my friends are around
But once I'm alone
the world is cold and grey
and I suddenly
Can't find the energy to smile

I count down the seconds
Until I can see
My friends again
Because then
The color returns
And I can play happy
For mere moments