"It will fade"
She assures me
Gently, lovingly
For she went through
The same feelings as I
"Probably,"
I answer
Quietly, reluctantly

I do not want it to fade
These feelings
This warmth
It is precious to me
Even if this seed does not grow
Even if the tree bears no fruit
The process of planting
Of watering
Of tending
Is precious to me
He is precious to me
I want to keep these feelings
I want to keep my tree

I tripped for a moment
And suddenly
The garden in my chest is blooming
Though I am a terrible gardener
Purposefully ignoring it
Hoping the flowers and vines
Would die off in tough twisting shapes
That the brambles and branches
Might protect me

But suddenly
Every love song is about you
The lines I found no meaning in before
Seem to paint a play
That I would love nothing more
Than to star in with you

Suddenly
I feel electric
Like every strand that makes me up
Is squirming to escape my body
Just seeing your name
Fighting myself not to flirt

I've never understood these things
So why did it happen so suddenly?
Why with you?
Why now?
I surely must not understand
I surely must be confused

Suddenly
My mind, once again
Knows no peace

I'll break it myself
Before you have no other choice
Because the feelings won't stop
Flooding my mind
Soothing my thoughts
Like a cool calm creek
That I adore sitting with
And playing in

Yet a voice cries out from within
My voice
Reminding me
That these feelings
This warmth I created
Is pointless
That there is no world
Where another person
Could both know me
And still want me

So I'll break it myself
With my own two hands
I'll raise my heart high above me
And smash it on the rocks below
I'll sit
And watch the waves of my feelings
Take the shards away
And deposit my heart
Once more whole
At my feet
So I may stand up
And break it myself all over again
To spare myself the ache
Of you doing it for me

It's all too much
The fluttering
The swooping
The giggling
The smiling
The incessant urge
To burst out with questions
Far too forward for a friend

I cannot just jump up and ask
"Oh please,
Won't you turn over your heart?
Your mind?
Tell me what keeps you up,
What makes you tick,
I want to know everything!"

That's too much
I am too much

I feel it inside of me
Unstoppable
No matter how I try
How many outlets I use
It builds and builds

I think others hear it too
It must be constant
Because they treat me
As if I could go off any moment
Treading eggshells around me

Am I truly that cruel?
I don't want to be
I don't think I am
But if they act like that
I surely must be

Nothing more than a waiting
Ticking
Never stopping
Time bomb
One word or motion
Could set me ablaze
But perhaps that's just how they look at me

I don't think I get that angry
Not that often
But they must have a reason
To treat me like I do
Like I am cruel
And angry
And vicious
Like a starved dog

I need answers like I need air
Answers no one else can give me
No one but I should know the answers
Yet I don't
I scream into the void of my own soul
And nothing screams back

Why do I feel this way so quickly?
Is it just excitement?
Or the door to something more?

Please
Someone
Anyone
Just give me the answers
I so desperately need

It's a common issue
This inability to sleep
So many others face the same torment
A thousand thoughts race through my mind
Asking a hundred questions
With no time to breathe or even answer them

Laying awake
Staring at patterns on my ceiling
Dissecting the meaning of a phrase
Replaying a moment I could have done better

Wondering endlessly
If there is a deeper meaning
Or if I'm perhaps just overthinking
Looking for a meaning I want
When there is nothing there

Thinking with no sign of stopping
About how I lie
To myself
To everyone
Perhaps to protect myself
But what good does it do?
Thinking if it is a lie
Spiraling to places I don't want to be

I just want sleep's embrace
To free me from my own mind
From my own cruel words
Cutting into my heart like daggers
Telling myself horrid things
That other people inflicted upon me

Won't someone free me?