An uncertain joke of a concept
Perpetually out of grasp
Too easy to shell things off onto
Do it tomorrow
Yet tomorrow never comes
Always standing just out of reach

Thus it must be done today
While the sun shines
While you have the means
The energy

Tomorrow does not exist
It's merely an echo of Today
A reflection
Illusionary and nothing more
A scarce source of comfort

Tomorrow will become Today
Before it ever remains Tomorrow
Leaving the ghostly idea in it's place once more

And what if Tomorrow does not come for you?
If it does not become Today?
Will you feel the choking grasp of regret?

How could I stop?
When a thousand words
Rattle around my mind
A million feelings broil in my chest
Things I don't understand
But so desperately want to

I have too much to write
Too much to say
Too much to understand
To ever stop

But when will it ever be enough?
When will I find the words
That solve the gap within me?
That tell me what I am?
That tell me what is broken about me?

I don't think that will happen
An end is an impossibility
Not when there's so much inside of me
Not when the void in my chest
Feels endless

They reverberate around my skull
Insults and cruel comments
From people I loved
People I deeply trusted
Words that carve deep into my bones
Phrases I can never unhear

They echo through me
And they won't shut up
Comments on my teeth
Keep me from smiling without laughing first
Whispers about my personality
Make me wish I could learn to shut my own mouth

I've been told it all
That I'm loud, annoying
That I'm doing too much
That I don't care enough
A freak
Too kind
Selfish

Why should those petty words
Still affect me?
Why do they?
Why can't I move on?
I know they were said
By people that didn't know me
Not well enough to matter
They were said in bitterness
To spite me
Hurt me
But it worked
Leaving scars on my skin and mind

But how do I move on?
How do I let go?
I feel I've tried so hard
To move past it
Ignore it
Act confident
Happy
But it turns and twists
Like a knife stuck deep into my ribs
And I cannot grasp the handle to pull it out

I've forgiven them
The people who hurt me
But it doesn't help
Doesn't mend me
Nothing does

No matter how many kind words
I am told
I still find that I want
Nothing more than to disappear
To vanish and lose the echoes forever

I had all but forgotten
What it felt like to laugh this hard
To feel the ache in my ribs
The swoop in my chest
Seeing my screen light up with your name
I had forgotten
How warm another person's hand was
How I ached for the touch of another
For the comfort of not being alone

I had convinced myself I hated it
But perhaps what I hated
Was the one who touched me
Not the act itself
How can I untangle myself
From a web of lies I wove
For my own protection?

How could I have forgotten?
The rush of electricity
When you say something so kind
When you understand my mind
In a way few ever have

What else have I forgotten?
What else have I convinced myself I hate?
Just to protect myself
From feeling so lonely?