I like to call myself honest
But just how many white lies,
have I told?
How many times
Have the words
"I'm fine"
"I'm tired"
"Just thinking"
Passed my lips?
It was genuine once
I was just scared
I didn't want them to worry
So I lied
But then the poison of a lie
Became addictive
And I couldn't stop
Even as it killed me
I kept lying to them
To myself

I know this is the hand
That fate dealt me
And I should stand up
Choose to not take it
I've just become so cynical
I cant fix it just by breathing
And deciding that I'm better
Honesty is overrated
I prefer the poison of a lie
Its safer that way

I'd rather be angry
Angry with you
For making me feel so loved
Yet treating me like your therapist

I want to hate you
I wish I could so badly
That would be easier
But you can't be angry with a void
Someone who soaks up all the effort you put in
Just to not give back
Taking all you have to give

Angry is so much easier to handle
I understand angry
Just like how I now see
What you were doing to me
You had your metaphorical hands
Wrapped so tightly around me
That I couldn't breathe

I was not there for you to treat like this
But even when I told you it was over
You acted so ******* gentle
Sprinkling in your guilt ridden words
But I can see them now

It's amazing
How much more prominent
Red is, without rose colored lenses
So yes
Being angry would be easier
But I never did things easy
So leaving you almost broke me

But I'd rather feel like I'm dying
Than drown in you

It was a loosing fight
You can't win against the forces of nature
They don't reason with you
Or listen when you say please
My fragile body was dashed against
Sharp, ragged, rocks
Rocks that cut me open
And washed my heart away

It was only a matter of time
Before I drowned
How far was I supposed to swim
With years of pain tying me down?

Hey.
Are you there?

I just wanted to talk,
I've started feeling it again.
The feeling like I'm plastic,
Like I'm about to be melted down,
And remade into something new again.

I'd like to do that,
I'm that plastic bottle
The one you refil over and over again
Even though it's all crinkled.
And then you finally
Throw it in the recycle bin.

I'm just waiting in anticipation
To be remade
Into something New Again.

Remind me how to smile
Then break my heart
Maybe I'll feel alive after that

I'd like to take myself apart
With children's safety scissors
Cut my body into strips for a collage
And paste it back together
With a cheap glue stick
In whatever shapes I want
I want to push the scraps into the trash

Or maybe I'll take parts of me off
with a seam ripper
and add new ones
Like a patchwork toy
Maybe then I would see myself
As fixed
Because I'm sick of hating what I see
But I dont want to be
What other people call perfect
I just don't want to be me anymore