I'm not stupid
I know what being alive is
But
It's infuriating
I can walk and talk
I breathe and I eat
I think and I make choices
But I've stopped feeling
Nothing has brought it back to me
I dont feel trapped in my own mind
I feel like part of me was stolen
I have an empty void in my chest
I would argue that I'm dead
I am Dead but walking

I keep getting asked why
Why have I stopped feeling?
What brought this on?
And I want to answer
But how do I answer that?
How do I explain
That my soul and my mind
Are so much older than my body?

People say I'm a glass half empty type
But I'm really not
Because I have no glass anymore
So there's nothing to be empty
Does that make sense?
I imagine not
I just take what feeling I have left
And I pour it out here
So I can try to bring the rest of me back

You say you love her
But do things I know she would hate you for

You are everything I hate in men
You disgust me

If you didn't have her
Would you want me?
Or one of the hundreds of others
That have also probably fallen for you

If you didn't have her
And I put effort into myself
Could I earn your adoration?

If you didn't have her
How could things go?

Am I awful?
Because I still think you're using me
Just because I'm nearby and she isn't
Is it okay for me to keep feeling like this?
You told me not to pursue but I never intended to
You have her
And she has everything I don't

I know I'm annoying
A pain in the neck
An easily flustered girl
But you called me cute
You said you loved my laugh

It hurts me so badly
Knowing that you can't see
How badly it cuts me
When you say things like that

When you trace circles over my skin
I want to cut it off
Not because I hate you
But because I can't stop falling

I hate myself for falling for you
Because you have her
And I'm just me

So please spare me my feelings
And tell me,
Am I awful?

Please don't hate me
Please dont turn away from me
Please dont leave me alone to rot

That's all I can do in my mind
All I can manage to do
Is beg to not be abandoned

I've spent too long
Wondering why,
Why when I do so much
For everyone else
Do they never
Do as much to help me?

Am I being narcissistic with that?
I want to say no
And I also want to say yes

Am I supposed to apologize for that?
How nauseating
Blaming myself
For things I don't understand

I wont blame myself for what you did

Are you serious?
Expecting me to just lower my head
And say
"Yes, it's my fault,
I'm sorry"

I wont anymore
I finally care about who I am

So no,
I wont apologize

It's so strange to admit
That I miss touches
That I miss laying against someone
And watching our favorite movie
And knowing it so well
That most of the time
We just quote the lines

I miss feeling someone lips on mine
Distraction kisses
So I get a few more points in a game

I miss being loved
In a Rose tinted light

What am I doing wrong?