An even push and pull
As if timed to the minute
Accepting it won't happen
Letting the feelings pull back
Revealing the pools
Of who I am underneath it
Then those feelings rush back over
Covering up the parts
I'm not fond of
Making me smile
Laugh
Feeling eager
Excited
Then it starts all over again
Just like a Tide

A place within my mind
Where I store a number of things
Memories that shape me
Feelings that carved their place
I put you in there
Right next to my mother's lullaby
Far from the bottles of different fights
I fold my feelings for you gently
As I tuck them away
Into the box
With everything else I can't bear
To ever let go of
Even if it hurts me

I almost forgot
What it was like
To feel this way again
Excited for the next day
For the days beyond even that

To be able to visualize
And see it like it's right within my grasp
Not a fleeting ghost of an idea
Tangible
Almost real

The sparks through my veins
The ache of longing in my chest
A reason to wake up bright and warm
To laugh and smile
To make an attempt

There's something inside of me
That is deeply broken
And I don't know what it is
Or how to fix it
I'm not sure when it broke
Or if it ever worked
But I hate it

My words and actions
Come out all wrong
I act thoughtlessly
Hurting those around me
Without ever meaning to
How they do not hate me
As I hate myself
Is a mystery
That I will never be able to grasp

I want to be good
Desperately want to be good
I want to treat the people I love
Tenderly, gently
Yet I never can seem to
When they tell me I've hurt them
I feel shocked
Trying to retrace what I did or said
To find the source
Of what about me is inherently wrong

Perhaps it would be better
If I was never around at all
I could never hurt anyone that way
But oh
If I vanished
It would hurt them nonetheless
How cruel of me

"It will fade"
She assures me
Gently, lovingly
For she went through
The same feelings as I
"Probably,"
I answer
Quietly, reluctantly

I do not want it to fade
These feelings
This warmth
It is precious to me
Even if this seed does not grow
Even if the tree bears no fruit
The process of planting
Of watering
Of tending
Is precious to me
He is precious to me
I want to keep these feelings
I want to keep my tree

I tripped for a moment
And suddenly
The garden in my chest is blooming
Though I am a terrible gardener
Purposefully ignoring it
Hoping the flowers and vines
Would die off in tough twisting shapes
That the brambles and branches
Might protect me

But suddenly
Every love song is about you
The lines I found no meaning in before
Seem to paint a play
That I would love nothing more
Than to star in with you

Suddenly
I feel electric
Like every strand that makes me up
Is squirming to escape my body
Just seeing your name
Fighting myself not to flirt

I've never understood these things
So why did it happen so suddenly?
Why with you?
Why now?
I surely must not understand
I surely must be confused

Suddenly
My mind, once again
Knows no peace