I don't understand my feelings
That should scare you
That statement is your only warning
That I could explode at any moment
When I do I won't know whats going on
I will not be that same girl you know
I will not mean what I do
I usually say what I mean in ways I don't mean
I will be out of control in a controlled
Whirlwind
Or
I will disappear
I may not be heard from for awhile
Solitude will be my antidote
Silence my remedy
Don't take me from this time to myself
You will be corrupting data
And I will have to start from scratch
With new materials to help me
Understand my feelings

Dear Cancer,
I would like to start
By telling you,
That you are evil.
I hope your full of self hate,
Because you are ugly.
You are ruthless and mean.
The perfect killing machine.
You took my best friend
And tried to take my mother
Your eating away another
And I am mad.
I am tired of crying every night
Or getting mad at others because I am constantly
Reminded of what you have done
You have taken many people
And species
I don't want you to take any more.
Im guessing you've never had a friend
Because you have only ever forced your way into having a relationship.
No one ever asked for your presence
Not even your existence
So I am telling you now
Stop living as a monster under the skin
And show your self clearly.
Stop infecting hearts!
And lungs! And breast! And tongues!
Bones!  And brains!
Stop playing these games!
Because tho I have never had you myself
I feel your pry I ask myself why
Do you **** and leave others to die
Why do we deserve you?
We may be beast but you are a monster
And continue to do them
But you honestly teach us nothing.

Hey mom
Thanks for staying up with me last night
I know you were tired
But I don't see you often anymore
Sorry I spend so much time a dads
I just get to see my friends
More often over there
Your never home it seems to me
Neither is dad
So I have to make due
I'm sorry I can be frustrating
Stubborn to the point that you
Look disappointed
I try not to disappoint
Hey dad
I'm sorry you think I'm ungrateful
You couldn't imagine how grateful I am
You got it all wrong
Don't assume so just because I haven't
Said so
I have something planed in my
Head for you
A special thank and I love you
But you don't give me time
You jump to conclusions than lead to
Disillusions of who your daughter
Might be
You don't know me and I recommend
Not trying to understand
I'm a millennial but I don't
Follow their pattern
I just share the same characteristics
I'm sorry you think I'm selfish
I can't imagine ever being that way
I'll remember how selfish I am
Next time I'm late to class
Because someone couldn't open
Their locker and was having a bad day
Next time I help someone carry
Something heavy because they were
Struggling
Next time I help someone who fell
And dropped all of their stuff
Next time I try to talk someone of
Committing suicide
I'll remember how selfish I am
I'm sorry you don't see all these things
I go through
I'm sorry they make me selfish
But let me tell you how much
I think of you and how alone you are
All the way up here
Im even more sorry you can't read my
Thoughts

I feel like I'm in solitary confinement
Always alone in my head
The people around me become the walls
That contain me
I'm angry
I'm sad
So disappointed
The people I believe in
Aren't ever who I think they are
And I'm out of trust
I'm low on exceptance
And don't care if I'm broken down
In the middle of no where
Because it would only be the physical
Version of my life inside my head
But people are just people
And that just kills me
People aren't who they seem to be
My world revolves around that
Honesty, loyalty, truthfulness
All qualities everyone seems to have
Abandoned but I'm still looking

Language fails me when it comes to
Disaster
So I can not discuss the disaster known
As myself
But I know you understand in someway
Or another
And I will never take that for granted
Thank you
Your messages mean the world to me
I hope you know
You have calmed me from so many  
Heights
That I would have rather jumped from
The gift
Of sleep you have given me on most of
My restless nights
Thank you for talking to me each night
Thank you
For taking time from your day to garentee
I'm ok
But just as you are the shoulder to my
Tears
I wish to be the shoulder and light to
Your fears
Whatever monsters whisper in your ear
Will disappear
The shadows that hover over you in your
Sleep
Will meet an unkindly fate
I will be
The disaster to strike down your worst Demons
But for now all I can do it try.

My eyes remain heavy
Just like my heart
My head is learning the drums
Just like 10 year old would
Frequently and violently
Days that go so good
That I can't bare to leave them behind
As they beg me to stay frozen
In that frame of time
My hands once strong
Now shake with weakness
All the way to my  finger tips
My body says it's time to rest
I must keep thinking
I must cover every topic I do and don't
See and or list in a day
I must stay awake

I've got big ideas
I've got elaborate plans
I've got determination
For an entire team
I've got things to work on
I've got skills to improve
I've got passion that ignited years ago
Has never gone out and burns brighter
Everyday
I've got game smarts
I've got strategy
I've got fire
Maximum desire
And you take your hose
And contain all that I have
You deprive the team
Of the development they could have
You deprive me of leadership
You deprive yourself of a chance
To become soccer smart
Your not real soccer coaches
There's a difference between
Soccer coaches and school soccer coaches
Soccer coaches know the sport
They live and breath the sport
It's just your second job
All you care about is the win
Your selfish and unkind
I hope you learn what it's like to
Be a real coach one day
But your chances are slim
And it's very unlikely

I am no longer the fixer of problems
Just as I used to be
Im no longer searching for lost souls to bring
Into the found
No longer am I looking for broken
People to love back to whole hearts
I don't have enough of my heart left for that
Like masking tape
I used my heart as a bandage for other broken
Hearts that needed the repair more than I
Because I can handle living a broken life
But no longer can I hold peoples hearts together
With the glue I have made
From mashing my heart to putty
I don't have enough of me to keep freely giving away
To the wrong people
Ive made my cuts
And built my limits
I thought my supply was endless
Turns out Ive been running on empty

Sitting in my room
It's kinda hard not to notice the words
On the walls
Surrounding your every glance
Singing around your head
Though they are there
I cant bring myself to read many of them
I started the journalism of the things
Inside of me that stabbed through my
Skin tearing apart my body
Just to get out
I know how I felt
In those times when I never thought
That they would fully leave me
That I'd be stuck with these
Sharp ridged edges inside me
For as long as eternity
I just can't look back at them
Like opening the door to the darkness
That  awaits just outside
Except that my violent shadows
Aren't on the outside trying to get in
They exist on the inside
Nesting and occasionally festering
I dare not wake them
So I turn off my light
So I risk not accidentally reading
Covering my window so sunlight
Won't betray me
I sit in dark silence
Singing my sharp edges to rest
I cannot welcome them
To breakfast in bed
I will not let myself feel that way
Ever again

Simplicity
Sounds so easy
Every sun set falls through me
As if I'm the night
I can't be touched
Simplicity
So out of the ordinary
Something most people aren't used to
Simplicity
Acting like a puzzle
Suddenly becoming complex
Simplicity
Sounds so easy
When the rest of the world agrees
Simplicity so simple
Until it meets
Complexity

Could you ever read the signs
Do you know how to read my eyes
Not left to right

Invalid answer

Do you know how to read my lips
Without me mouthing out pain
Did you ever feel the paranoia I exhaled

If I gave you a magnifying glass
Could you understand the gibberish
Covering my body
Or care enough to tell me
That there's gibberish covering my body
Would you be respectful enough to
Leave me
I don't need an explanation
I need no excuses
If you can't understand me
If you can't ask what you wonder
Then leave me to myself
Because I am learning as I go
I need no distractions
You may call it mean
And too solitary
But that's me
That's how I maintain my crazy

Remember
When I was so sad
I couldn't be alone
It was late
And you had to leave
My part of our home
You live up stairs
2 floors
But you said you would
Stay
On the fifth floor in the stair way
We sat
You casted your fishing line
Down my throat trying to catch the
Hungry monsters eating at my heart
One by one they bit
Some took longer than others
Some stayed and camouflaged
So you wouldn't know they were
Still there
A pile of flippery mess
Slips down your throat
Your hook ******
You got sad secrets out of me
Just to indanger your own heart
My monsters are scared of you
Every time I think your name they
Are willing to stop eating at my heart
Ending up on the third floor
Laying on the floor my head on your chest
You told me it was okay
I felt it I felt the words you were saying
The instant you said them
And our monsters fled us
Your the peace I've needed
In a chaotic way

Scrolling has never been
Something I do
Blanking out is also new
I've always been aware
Always making good use of my time
Now I've lost myself
Losing my sense of wonder
Has left my hands holding on
To nothing but sand
Every grain pouring through my fingures
My goals are just figures
In the distance that's accelerates
Away from me and my main stream
Dream
My determination
Passion will and I were once
A dream team
Covered the most ground in the least
Amount of time
We left our opponents in the dust
But at the end of every game
No matter what went down
Shook hands with them
Our pride left on the field
Our palms connect as a thank you
For the challenge
That was a great thing to be
But my members left me
One by one till it was just me
And passion

I remember you
I remember when we would sneak
Out my window in the middle of the night
Just to walk
So we could talk
Laying in the hay field free of worry
Under the stars telling of our sad story
But now your  gone
I still remember you on my bedroom floor
But you never said goodbye
So why do I still think of you
The kind of person I would see in the hall
And hug before answering a call
I guess you've moved on
Changed for the "better" if you will
I wish you just told me
You had other places to be

Days like this are good days
No reason to be bad days
Just slow days
But in good ways
I have different feelings on good days
Not in bad ways
But just good enough for good ways
Not always
But most days
I like having a lot to do most days
I hate having nothing somedays
I miss being busy all days
I like having somewhere to be always
Since loneliness finds its ways
And likes to find weak days

I noticed you first
When I stepped on the court
You broke your toe but
Thought you could try
That was the first time I met you
You with the kind eyes
Never looked long or close enough
To feel the color
I forgot to learn your name
I hoped you'd be at the practice in two days
I didn't play to see boys
I played to get better, stronger, smarter
I didn't see you for awhile
Stopped thinking about your gripping
Smile
Till outdoor practice started and you came
More often
You were a defender
Who stood up and played keeper
Defender boy
You would be a keeper
If I had the nerve and you the interest
You called me by my name
Respect made the game
On the field it was ok when I heard you yell
Half time in Mass
You told me fire
An inspiration I didn't play out
But confidence is what you gave me
That was everything
You got used to me
So did some of the other boys
You talking to me
Made practice so much easier
Thank you
Hope to see you next year
Defender boy