Expectations
They can be
High as the
Clouds above
Or they can be as low
As the center of the earth
And my expectations
For myself is as high
As you can get
I want to be thin
I want the tights as thin as wrists
I want a protruding rib cage
I want to be beautiful
I want to conform and morph
To society’s expectations of
What I am supposed
To be
And
What I can do
I want to be Like the other girls
In my high school
Their hair
Shiny shimmering
And gorgeous
Other girls
Trap men’s eyes
In their thin bodies
Their walk full of purpose
And life while my
Obvious limp
Is awkward
Other girls with
Their teeth
As white  as a pure pearl
And their bodies as
Thin as sticks
And their clothes
As glamorous as a
Goddess
If I were to have
Any prayer
In my life granted
It would be to
Be
Like
Other
Girls
If only for
One day
In my life

My silence
My silence
Is my confidence
I scroll through my photos
Idolizing the Anorexic women within them
But I do not idolize what matter
Personality
Relatibility
Oh no I idolize their bones bulging from their skin
I pinch poke and gawk at the fat skin on my arms
Face
And stomach
My repulsion grows
Until I am either
In the corner crying
Or repenting for the caloric sin I
Committed earlier in the day
I made a tumblr just to look at
Protruding ribcages
Bones bulging from Loose
Skin
To me bones are beautiful
Thin us beautiful
I strive to be these women
My confidence shrinking
And shrinking and shrinking still
So I do guilt fueled push-ups in the
Pale four am moonlight
I feel guilty when I eat too much
“What's wrong with you how could you eat all that!?”
And when I eat too little
“How could you let it get this bad!?’
I can not think of a more
Sadistic
Selective
Suicide
My silence
Is my
Confidence
Or…
Lack there of

"I'm here for you"

"your never alone"

******* ******* when my self hatred falls from my arm in tiny red raindrops, when these feelings of hopelessness have pinned me on to my bed forcing me to dream that my life was as perfect as I wish it was I am alone. When Satan's lulling me into the sugary sweet sleep of death I am alone. when the bullet explodes upon my skull, when the chair falls as my aching heart, and burning lungs collapse I am alone.

There is no such thing as a free poem
At least Not in these long teenage years filled to the brim with  
academic oppression
Teachers burrow into a poem searching for a deeper meaning forcing students into the depths with them
When in reality no deeper meaning needs to be found
The deeper meaning should be left where it belongs under the surface of the authors metaphors similies and other literary devices
The first thing we learn to enjoy in our youth is poetry such as nursery rhymes
What once caused giggles and restful nights of dream filled slumber  
Now only cause groaning and moaning as they have become tedious and mundane filled with hatred from students
Some teachers love poetry as if they are their lovers
dragging out the unit as long as they can
Much to the protest of the students
Others hate even the very thought of poetry
and even reading
So they nip the poetry unit
In the bud
Making it short
As possible

Heaven or hell
They are the places
That people go
When they are
No longer in
The mortal world
One is a utopian
Paradise atop the clouds
where
women wear
Angelic white
Robes their
Beauty knows
No Bounds
Men wear
crispy
Clean suits
Looking
Proper and uptight
As they walk along the
Clouded street
With no worries
Or cares
The other realm
Of immortality
Is hell
A raging inferno
The mournful painful
Cries of lost souls
Run through the vast
Emptiness for eternity
Men and women alike
Are consumed by the
Flame forever repenting
For their sins never missed
Never mourned
Because when the
Villains fall the kingdoms
Never weep
No one lays a candle to remember
No one mourns at all when they
Lay them to rest
Heaven is where the brave
Loved
And pure
Rest in a blissful immortality
Hell is the place
Where lost souls
Float in agony
Regret and pain
Until the end of time
Forever regarded
as ****
Of the mortal
World

Country
Country music
Grates on my ears
Making my heart hammer in absolute hatred
Country makes me long to go back to the velvety
Comfort of grand broadway musicals about a
Founding father long gone to go back to the incoherent mumbling  of Ariana grande
Country music blares from my parents radio in the cramped car
Awe drive for the required weekend beach trip
Filled with panting dogs and my agitated self so I put on my headphones
And blast my musicals at full volume to drown out the devils music
And the hateful hammering of my heart turns to a slow joyful thump
Until my headphones battery breaths it’s last breath turning them off until I can locate a charger
And I am once again left with that oh so hated country the devils music

My grocery list of confidence shrinkers
1. You'll get better
2. Just smile
3. Please eat
4. Force a laugh
5. You are a failure
6. You'll never be pretty
7. You'll never be good
8. You only wish you had her body
9. You ate too much today
10. You shouldn't eat today
11. You should at least try and give a crap about your looks
12. Put on more makeup
13. You must be perfect
14. You are way to big to fit societies expectations
15. Your ugly without makeup
16. Anime is just for kids
17. You don't deserve your amazing boyfriend and friends.
18. Anime is dumb
19. Your music is weird
20. Your singing *****
21. Your writing is atrocious
22. Your walker makes you a freak among normal legged people