My Unknown thoughts
that my life was become
the full of Nature.

Sometimes that I feel everyday that I am losing myself little by little...
I can't explain myself because that it sad for people with mental problems like me have to go through a lot just to stay strong..
but not in a healthy way...
Because I am still alive but not eating right because of my eating disorder...
I don't sleep great because of everything that I been though...
I don't look as good because I am losing confidence and self-esteem...
I have no friends physically because of my trust issues...
and I don't talk much...
I have to go out in public some because I am helping my sick grandmother...
I can't handle crowds...
I am trying to hold it for so long...
I stayed in my room because I feel safe from the Reality...
I am Broken from the people that hurt me and betrayed me.
It feel like forever that I just want to be free....

Think about how my life is
I just can't think anymore.

The time that I become
lonely.

When people lies to me,
the truth comes out.
When he or she hurts me,
I have pain all over.
Feeling alone
just makes me feel worse.
I cried inside,
just because it hard to let it out.

I Been Broken already,
The unseen is more important
Than what you already seen,
It like a flower that needs to be watered.

If forgotten, It dies,
If it does, I will stay alive.
Remember them like people.
Never forget them.

I just want to let you all know about something and this isn't easy what I am going to say cause I need this out of my chest. It been in my mind ever since high school. I been having a hard time and this is a reason that I became antisocial. It was the beginning of my Junior Year and I just had an awful feeling and I was talking to some of my friends and their was this girl and I just call her C.
So C came to me out of no where and just told me why I haven’t talk to one of her friends and I call her K. So I couldn't say anything back to her so C just got mad and walk away. My friends that was sitting with me wondering why that happened and I just didn't understood it either. Then a couple weeks later C and K just trying to get to my issues and I wasn't mad at C and I was mad at K and I don’t remembered why.
So I just confused so I just stop talking to a lot of people and just hanging out all of my own mostly except when I have someone around me. So anyway the next year most just I haven’t seen C for years now cause she moved somewhere and everything about my life was that I been lied too all the time just made me become more and more antisocial. I was mostly just been more and more depressed. I just still don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

~~~
I am so tired of everything,
I been suffering,
I been crushed,
I been defeated,
I been feeling weak,
My emotions are weak,
My life is a wreak,
I feel like no one understands,
My heart's been broken,
My mind is lost and confused,
I feel like that I can't take it anymore,
I need someone just to comfort me,
I don't get them often,
I feel like that I am in a cage,
And I can get out,
I don't know where I am at,
It dark and scary,
I can't see anything,
My tears that I can't control,
It hurts,
It hurts so much,
I just want the pain to go away,
I can't stop the pain,
I can't stop thinking about it,
Because it hurts so much,
My nightmares continues to haunts me,
I want it to stop,
Make it stop,
I can't breathe,
I am trying to get out of it,
But it makes it worse,
I try to ask for help,
I hear people in my mind,
Like they are saying,
'I am busy, I am working now.'
'Can't you see that I am talking to someone else?!?!'
'You are a waste of space, leave me alone!!!'
'You just want attention don't you!?'
'You deserve this! Cause you hurt me, you wasted my life!'
'You don't deserve to have friends. I made you this way so just die!!!'
So that is what I am hearing in my head,
My nightmares still haunts me,
I just want it to stop,
It hard to speak louder to let people know that I am a problem,
I feel like that,
No one sees my silences,
I feel now is that I'm a problem,
Because I am a burden...
~~~

I always ask that question to myself
Am I broken?
I feel like it,
I see myself like it,
and always feel invisible in certain things.
So yea I am broken.
But what people think of me?
I don't know,
not a lot of them tells me that.
Maybe some people did,
I still don't know why I never notice what they think,
cause I have been anti-social for a long time.
So that a reason why.
I don't know anymore.

Sometimes that I feel like That I am worthless,

and some people that I used to know thinks...

That I use these things for my attention,

I am not,

To me, No one sees me in person,

No one sees my pain,

No one knows what I am thinking,

I am making a true statement,

My tears that no one sees,

I am a broken person that no one knows,

I harm myself to not to eat, starve myself,

It sad to me cause it my punishment.

I feel sometimes that I am worthless,

What can I do with this....

Am I Worth it???

~~~
No one sees the pain,
No one who I really am,
Everyone that I hold dearly,
They see me in a different personality,
Online, I am a different,
The real me is what I am from the inside,
Not the outside,
Sometimes that not everything about me,
I might never know what I really am,
When I feel darkness inside of me,
That give me pain....
~~~

no matter what happens,
their will be bad people...
that will hurt others,
or you or me,
nobody in this world made perfect,
because everybody has
their own problems.

“Betrayal doesn’t only break your heart
but also darkens your soul.
You’ll never forget the pain
like a fog that forever lingers
in the depths of your mind.”

A time to fight,
when detractions that you don't see,
is when someone stabs you (me),
When a conventions cause destruction on others,
that went people feels more in pain.

For years goes by,
people will feel more determine to find answers,
to wonder why they hurt them, (me)
that when they will feel more angry at them.

More time goes by and no signs of anything,
More emotions, more pain, and lost self-esteem,
feeling hopeless everyday,
wondering why they hurt me?

A girl that was born broken,
that never thought of like this,
a child that never thought of losing someone,
a teen never thought of being hurt and depressed,
Reality that I never thought that it could be this cruel,
they left me in tears like a broken doll,
that i sit on a hay of straw,
i am just a broken human.

I been trying to hard to get over my problems,
It just hard when someone lets me down,
People tells me that everything is going to be okay,
But I am still not okay for over 17 years of my mental life that I been through,
I been broken since I was 4,
I was a broken doll that was mentally in pain,
Trying to forget everything,
Nothing much to help me,
I don't know what to do anymore,
Trying to make friends is hard,
Trying to get along with my family is hard,
Trying to have my relationship with everyone in my life is hard,
I feel lost and broken

Their a time when someone that I thought that they would do something like the opposite of good.
I was wrong about that, to be honest,
I feel so broken and confused,
I thought that I could help her,
I thought that I could change her,
I thought that I can fix the past,
I just can't, I can't do anything right,
I am a messed up person,
I am a broken person,
I am a nobody that no one could understand,
My body is too skinny,
I can't do make myself even more skinny cause people in my head calls me fat.
My nightmares that no one knows,
They hurt me,
They bullied me,
They want to **** me slowly,
I just want it to end,
To end my suffering,
My pain,
Erase my mind that I just want to start a new life,
I just want to be happy,
Not a person like me could never have it,
I just don't know anymore.
I am just tired.

I can’t sleep at all cause of some things in my life is
and was a wreck.
My Anxiety is going up ever since a few months back
and i am tired of some certain person that i know
that wants to ruin people life like mine.
I am sick of High School Drama,
and certain person that i know needs to grow up and have a life.
If anyone wants to know, ask me
cause i am tired pf this is stuck into my chest for years.
Sometimes that i feel like that i am done with life
and sometimes that it the opposite of that.
I have a eating disorder since i was 4
cause how i been treated when i was little.
Depression and anxiety came from my age between 8-10 years old. PTSD came from my high school life that i became Anti-Social.
also from my Panic Attacks.
I don’t want to talk about my other thing that happened to me a couple years ago cause it pains me.
I am done with Certain things of life.
I need support in my life that i can’t handle anymore and sometimes that i dislike myself for it.
the past wants to haunt me forever.
dreams that i had is about my past and it hurts badly.
it hard to tell someone and sometimes that i want to do in a dark hole. I am a broken soul that is hard to fix.
i only need one person and it my man that i love.

My heart tells me that I need love,
My brain tells me that I need to be alone,
My guts tells me that I need help,
My whole body needs everything.

My broken life been through hell,
My broken heart have been through pain,
My broken spirit have been through darkness,
My broken soul have been through everything.

My past self needed a mom in my life,
My present self needed friends in life,
My future self need to build a family and a happy life,
Today time self need my boyfriend help my mental self.

It hard to tell people about my issues,
It because of my past problems,
My life that no one know how difficult that it was,
I wish that I get some understanding of it,
I hope.

I feel sometimes that my life wasn't easy,
My pain that gives me the burden,
I feel a burden to my family,
And also my friends,
Even though I don't have a lot of,
I have one of them that I don't talk to,
Because that some things that hard to talk about,
I feel like I am a burden to her,
And I can't stand it,
I been through enough of feeling like this,
I feel like I get emotional that I cried so easily that I can't take it anymore,
Sometimes that I can't handle this life
Anymore,
I want to be free from a burden.

when someone wanted to change for the better,
they need to be what they should be,
Sometimes what I think that not a lot of people changes,
Some people does for their better input,
It could be worse for you/me,
or it would be good,
It wouldn't help you to be better when someone hurt you,
people need to change if they want to,
I think that in my life experiences,
you got half the chance that they will or won't change,
You might be just lucky if they would,
to me I wouldn't known what I would call it.
It depends on them.

I haven't been doing great in the last few weeks. A lot of drama with family and other things in the past has torn me up to pieces. Cause Every bad thing that happened to my life that made me think these negative thoughts. I feel hurt, broken, numb and everything.....

I feel so useless cause I can't do anything to my life. I am losing my trust to anyone that I am hurt by people in real life so bad that, I feel paranoid....

My mind thinks that something bad things going to happen to me...

Sometimes that I feel very confused that why that I have these things in my life. That people lies to me, betrayed me, hurt me, and everything that happened to my life. So the other day that I went to the PH. D Therapist and I been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and Eating disorder.

I had a eating disorder since I was a child cause of my mom physically and mentally abused me and she doesn't remember it, cause she was sick.

(Every mental problem that people thinks that I am faking cause They also think that I bring attention. I hate doing that. I don't do that just for nothing, and If I was faking, I wouldn't been on here for long and that is just wrong..)

Every situation that I been through,
is just full of darkness,
All through my life,
I hardly talked about it though,
It gives me pain and suffering,
I been hurt too many times,
that it hard for me to live,
I want to live and not give up,
it just that i been mentally in pain,
and also i just feel a burden,
Mostly I feel like way cause their certain people,
People that made me feel that way,
I feel so useless cause of
no one lets me help them with anything,
I feel like that my heart is like billions of pieces,
that it would be hard to fix,
I just wish that my pain just to go away,
cause my life is full of darkness and sadness.

You the ones that made me hurt,
that I become broken,
But I become woken,
that we haven't spoke in ages,
so turn the page on your story, not mine,
that you went across the line,
also not realized it,
I am a winner either way,
I am a broken girl,
I always had help,
don't double cross me again,
I become stronger than you,
cause you lied too much,
it is easy to spot,
You made me broken,
and made me scars,
but that doesn't stop me from doing
what I want to do in life,
don't ever hurt me again.

I don't like..
I Hate being Like this...
I hate that you don't know some things about me..
I don't want you to be upset with me about what it is..
I just..
I don't want to..
Pretend that I'm..
Okay..
I'm not okay.
I Just.
I feel like Breaking down
in tears all the time...
And I can't explain WHY!
Because that I don't know...
WHY!
I just want to be Happy!
And I know that you think...
that you can't make me happy!
You are when You are around me.
I just wish that you are around me everyday..
That you are the ONLY thing..
But you are the only thing
in my life that...
Keeps me going!
You're What Motivates me..
Everyday to be better..
To keep My head up!
I just been having nightmares lately and
I haven't told you...
I have nightmare that I could lose you..
I don't want that to happen.
I just feel like...
I... I can't..
I can't breathe
I am hurt inside,
cause I have no one but you...
you are the one that keeps me going.
that why that I love you...
The reason that I Anti-Social is cause that
I been a loner even before I knew you.
I hid that for a long time,
and I can't hide it anymore.
I get hurt easily and people tells me that I am weak cause of that.
I Haven't eaten much lately cause of my issues..
it hard for me to eat...
cause i am hurt mentally, even I don't show it around anyone..
Cause I don't want them to worry about me..
So my point that I want to say is that I was suicidal and once in a while I get like it for a little bit then I am okay after.
I was a broken girl even before I met you,
Even you didn't see it, and I felt being numb when I feel depressed so badly that I don't feel anything,

I am a mess and I have been suffering it for a long time.
You are the ONLY one that can fix me.
Pick up the pieces of my heart that was torn up by people that lied to me, betrayed me, throw me away, bullied, everything...

I just need this out of my chest,
because.. I just don't know what to do anymore....
My life that I have nothing to do...
I can't handle a job cause of my life was...

If it never happened to me, I would of been almost done in college by now... I would have a happier life, I would of have a mom in my life. I don't.... I don't Have a real mom that I can hold on to. I had bad Karma when I was a child. I had it a long time and I am so close to be ready to leave my old life and start a life with you and ONLY you.. Cause you saved my life,

if it was't for you in my life, I wouldn't be here...I love you so much that I will never will let you go... NO ONE will take us away from each other. You are my other half, My better half. You mean the world to me.

I am glad that your my only man that I want and need in my life... I have waited for someone like you for over 7 years. I prayed for someone like you... That make me happier than before. You are my one and only Man that I want.

By my time that I felt worthless,
I never knew that my life became breathless,
that life full of jealousy,
that I thought my scars were  temporarily,
I was wrong that I felt paralyzed,
Losing friends felt for me is very unreal,
But it is the reality that I felt stabbed,
those scars become bigger everyday.

My life was full of hate and pain,
But Pain wants to hurt me still,
and I just hate what it is,
Now I am in a room full of darkness,
I need someone to help me,
Help me get out,
Help me and I want to be pure again,
Please....

dreams can be good,
I wish.. cause my dreams
are always horrible,
Once in a while that I get good ones,
My minds always tells me that
something good or bad will happened,
and nine out of ten things of my life happens,
Feeling apart in life that i want to do that I can't.
dreams in my point of view comes to reality.

I feel cold,
By feeling numb,
I feel cold inside,
All of my emotions are
deep inside,
save me from my isolations,
I want to be free from the cold,
No one seen me for who I am,
My heart burns,
in pain,
screaming for help,
I am tired of waiting,
I want to be saved physically,
Mostly Mental.

When someone thought that they care for you,
and one day that they would stab you in the back,
The pain, the hurt, I feel betrayed,
I thought that she care, no..
she didn't love you, she hates your guts in passion,
she wanted you to believe that she was your friend,
but no, she isn't, she called you worthless,
selfish B*, and a nobody,
That me though, I wanted to change her,
No she won't,
Why though, I hope that I could change her to be a good person,
NO!!! She hurt you too many times in high school
and no one believes you,
But.... but....
No buts, she stab you too many times and you
didn't felt it until now,
yeah, that true, it is the worst pain that I felt,
tell me, who didn't believe it???
Me, I didn't want to, I want her to change so bad that I want her to be a good person,
I know that you do, but you have to face the facts,
she won't ever change,
she needs to change on her own,
I hope that your right, she too late though,
oh, and why is that,
She lies to me, she keeps secrets behind my back,
she make fake people that doesn't exists,
Okay, tell me why that do you want to change her so badly?
Because, I was lonely and have no one then,
Anything else my friend,
No I am done with her, if she comes back to me,
I am not listening to her....
anymore lies that she pulls on towards me.
I done face the facts,
she never going to change, *Cries
I am done.
done with everything on her,
I Faced it.

Thinking about the worst scenarios is that I always think of myself as a failure,
Sometimes that I feel mentally exhausted,
I want to cry about the ones that I thought that I hurt,
Even tho they tell me that I didn't,
I feel like it though,
It doesn't matter what happened,
It matters on the actions,
The action is just a detail of what happened,
My failures is on the actions,
Sometimes that that I stopped breathing for no reason for that,
My problems that I feel that everything is my fault,
I am just tired of failing.
Why me in my life come to this?

When someone changes to be a different person,
They won't be the same,
They will hurt you,
They will not change until you might can change them,
Half the chance will happen and the other half won't happen,
My life was full of it,
Because that I went through it
Since I was in elementary school,
I went through a lot of trauma and
Drama that I was always in the middle of it,
I been through it all,
Even someone wants me to believe things that never were true,
It will never will happen again,
Cause I am not fooling it,
Things change,
People changes like petals falling.

My broken life,
I lose my best friend,
No one to made me feel
Complete.

No one seen my broken side,
I wonder why things happens,
Why no one seen pain before,
I lost control of my emotions.

I don't even have a best friend,
To talk to everyday,
Share things together,
Play games with,
And most importantly,
Being together all the way.

I wrote things down everything,
That I feel and no one knows
Anything about my pain,
And wish that a have a Best friend
To share my problems with.

Betrayed is the worst thing of my life.
My only friend in real life betrayed me
and I feel a broken girl
that feels numb.

Sometimes I just want to scream,
I been tormented for years that I want to get out,
Trying to breathe,
trying to stay alive,
trying to stay positive,
trying not to cry,
I just can't help it when I have problems in life,
trying to be better,
trying to smile,
trying to be more active to others,
I just can't when I have issues that will never be resolve,
I am just so confused about things;
that I just don't understand why people like back stabbers hurt people like me,
I done nothing wrong,
All that I want is friends to love and to care for,
I am just damaged that never been healed,
my wounds just stay the same or just got worse,
no one can heal them,
I had too many disturbance in life that makes me feel stressed,
pain just makes me feel too much agony in my whole life,
I am tired of suffering,
I am tired of being hurt,
I am tired of the stress,
I just want to be healed from my pain,
I am tired of feeling hopeless.

To be honest...
My life was full of lies..
I am getting tired of the messes that I been through.
Through these past few months,
one person stalked me
and find where I actually live at,
another person harassed me for a long while,
Another thing that I try
to get help get through all of it,
ever since High school.
I been through the same drama,
even now,
I am not in high school,
not even college cause
of my mental disorders
that one girl gave me.
the past hurts me everyday,
and because she the one that I know,
ruined my life,
I want her to stay away
from me and my man.

Yes I have been taken.
Anyways,
I am sick of her lies.
The past hurts me
and I been through hell cause of her,
and her lies to me and others and
some of them are naive to see her true colors.
I been trying to help her,
I gave her too many chances,
I supported her and all that she did,
is to push me away,
and hurt me.
That Is what I feel about this
mess that I wish to forget.

Sometimes I feel isolated in my bedroom,
Nothing much going on, just sitting here,
feel emotions, so easily that My pain increases,
no one to talk to, in the dark,
it doesn't matter now,
I got used to it for a long time,
it nothing, i feel a burden for some people, not all though,
those burdens are just something stupid but so little,
it's okay.. I am fine,
I got used to it.

I am still upset about things in the past,

their is things that is still a mystery to me,

I am tired a lot of crap into my life,

I am tired of lies,

I am tired of a lot people lying to me in social Media,

I am trying to find out things that was a mystery to me,

I tried to let go,

It just that my heart wants to know the truth,

and it needs it so I can be free,

Like an bird that can go where ever it goes.

when people tells me to move on,
i can't, i want to,
because I have to many problems in my life that,
i get flashbacks,
when i had a good day, bad things happens,
when i went to sleep, i get nightmares about it,
when i am a good mood, i felt my pain that I been through,
i can't stop thinking about things that won't go away,
I just want my pain to go away, for good,
I just don't have the courage to,
I don't want to, I just never have peace in my life
when stuff happens,
I feel hurt all over all the time when I get one of my flashbacks,
I just can't do everything right,
I feel like I am a burden that people like that wants to ruin my life,
and they are laughing about it, I can feel it too.

Am I good enough?
Sometimes I don't know if I am.
cause people thinks of me that I hurt them,
I do though,
I punished myself to do it,
sometimes that I don't have a point of being here,
I am trying to be myself and forget my past,
I can't when I have trust issues,
When I also have depression, anxiety, and ptsd,
I have a ton of flashbacks and i drop to the ground and cry,
sometimes I want to give up,
I can't just yet though,
cause I don't have that courage to do it.

Most of my life when I am thinking about things that made me feel;
Hurt. makes me feel insane when to think about it;
The insane part is that my life that I been through is;
lost of people that I have in life;
The way that I am thinking about her is;
most is some is anger cause of lies and been stab in the back;
Another is that I am sad cause of her(s) leaving me behind without a word;
I am was a fool cause of a few people in my life lets me down;
I am trying to be better, it just hard;
I thought that we shared a lot that we was sisters;
I guess that we wasn't met to be;
I become more hurt than you cause,
I thought that you was a good friend(s) to me;
I wished that they would prove to me that they would change;
Now I know that the world is the same, and People don't change;
When they want to change:

"To me it doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I got used to people hurting me and stab me in the back. I am not as strong as people think that I am. My wise words right now is that no matter where I am at, I will find a best friend to be replace soon."

-Selene