When my life begins with pain,
I Suffered with pain
When people lies to me,
When someone hides things from me,
When someone a Psychopath and obsession about me,
When someone wants to hurt me,
when someone yells at me,
When someone wants to be mad at me,
When someone just someone got problems with me
That my life with suffering in pain.

When life comes in force,
somethings that i don't want to do,
somethings about to keep secrets,
somethings when people complains
about what they want me to do that i don't.

that why that things in life that isn't good for me
don't need to come in from suffering.

My suffering is that cause that i have people in
my life that does all those things to me or force me to do.
I want is peace and love.
That isn't hard to ask.

Normal lives is like butterflies into your stomach.
Hard lives is like heartbroken inside,
Perfect is like confidence,
Trouble times is what humans always make.

Humans aren't perfect,
Humans are like a tree and see who last the longest,
Humans think different than everyone else,
Humans aren't pure like clean water.

Humans can be healthy like a washed out river,
Some humans are Mental that need help for others,
Some Humans need peace to have calming waters,
Humans need love for anyone that can gave them that.

Humans make mistakes in everyday lives,
Their two paths to go to and you choose where you want to go,
One is about beauty, life, hope, and love,
And another is power, money, being careless, and darkness.
what would you choose.

Humans have problems in life,
Humans might have worst problems that yours,
Humans have become stronger than others,
and other people are trying to get there,
Just to let you know that your not alone by being Human.

when people tells me to move on,
i can't, i want to,
because I have to many problems in my life that,
i get flashbacks,
when i had a good day, bad things happens,
when i went to sleep, i get nightmares about it,
when i am a good mood, i felt my pain that I been through,
i can't stop thinking about things that won't go away,
I just want my pain to go away, for good,
I just don't have the courage to,
I don't want to, I just never have peace in my life
when stuff happens,
I feel hurt all over all the time when I get one of my flashbacks,
I just can't do everything right,
I feel like I am a burden that people like that wants to ruin my life,
and they are laughing about it, I can feel it too.

My broken life,
I lose my best friend,
No one to made me feel
Complete.

No one seen my broken side,
I wonder why things happens,
Why no one seen pain before,
I lost control of my emotions.

I don't even have a best friend,
To talk to everyday,
Share things together,
Play games with,
And most importantly,
Being together all the way.

I wrote things down everything,
That I feel and no one knows
Anything about my pain,
And wish that a have a Best friend
To share my problems with.

I been trying to hard to get over my problems,
It just hard when someone lets me down,
People tells me that everything is going to be okay,
But I am still not okay for over 17 years of my mental life that I been through,
I been broken since I was 4,
I was a broken doll that was mentally in pain,
Trying to forget everything,
Nothing much to help me,
I don't know what to do anymore,
Trying to make friends is hard,
Trying to get along with my family is hard,
Trying to have my relationship with everyone in my life is hard,
I feel lost and broken

My Unknown thoughts
that my life was become
the full of Nature.

To be honest...
My life was full of lies..
I am getting tired of the messes that I been through.
Through these past few months,
one person stalked me
and find where I actually live at,
another person harassed me for a long while,
Another thing that I try
to get help get through all of it,
ever since High school.
I been through the same drama,
even now,
I am not in high school,
not even college cause
of my mental disorders
that one girl gave me.
the past hurts me everyday,
and because she the one that I know,
ruined my life,
I want her to stay away
from me and my man.

Yes I have been taken.
Anyways,
I am sick of her lies.
The past hurts me
and I been through hell cause of her,
and her lies to me and others and
some of them are naive to see her true colors.
I been trying to help her,
I gave her too many chances,
I supported her and all that she did,
is to push me away,
and hurt me.
That Is what I feel about this
mess that I wish to forget.

Living a lie makes everything worse,
seeing the truth makes me want to leave,
getting hurt by everyone,
I feel torment,
getting distress by my anxiety,
makes me feel weak,
so much grief in my past,
that I can't be happy,
I have so much weight on my shoulders,
no one even knows the hell i been through.

~~~

My mind feels confused,
I feel so lost that I just feel trapped,
I can't see anything but darkness
It hurts so much,
I don't see how people get out of it,
But I can't get out of my own madness,
Feels like more than madness,
It feels like hell.
-S.M 2019

~~~

Sometimes that I feel everyday that I am losing myself little by little...
I can't explain myself because that it sad for people with mental problems like me have to go through a lot just to stay strong..
but not in a healthy way...
Because I am still alive but not eating right because of my eating disorder...
I don't sleep great because of everything that I been though...
I don't look as good because I am losing confidence and self-esteem...
I have no friends physically because of my trust issues...
and I don't talk much...
I have to go out in public some because I am helping my sick grandmother...
I can't handle crowds...
I am trying to hold it for so long...
I stayed in my room because I feel safe from the Reality...
I am Broken from the people that hurt me and betrayed me.
It feel like forever that I just want to be free....

My Bad Karma Already destroyed me,
cause of people's Actions towards me,
My broken life consumes me,
My bad karma that I been betrayed,
People that hurt me gave me horrible Karma,
My pain is my bad Karma,
My past is my bad karma,
I been a fool is my bad karma,
My depression is my bad Karma,
My anxiety is my bad karma,
my worst enemies gives me a living hell,
Everything from my bad side is my bad karma.
I am broken inside,
I am numb inside,
that why that I am living with it.

Sometimes that I feel like That I am worthless,

and some people that I used to know thinks...

That I use these things for my attention,

I am not,

To me, No one sees me in person,

No one sees my pain,

No one knows what I am thinking,

I am making a true statement,

My tears that no one sees,

I am a broken person that no one knows,

I harm myself to not to eat, starve myself,

It sad to me cause it my punishment.

I feel sometimes that I am worthless,

What can I do with this....

Am I Worth it???

When Someone is hurt,  just help them,
When Someone is in pain, heal them,
When Someone is Suffering, Cure them,
When Someone want Love, Love them,
When Someone is in Trouble, Support them,
When Someone want to hurt themselves, Be pure to them,
When Someone want to die, talk to them to support how they feel,
When they are in tear, wipe them away.

Think about how my life is
I just can't think anymore.

The time that I become
lonely.

When I'm depressed,
I feel so torn apart,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so insecure,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so ruined,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so emotional.

When I feel so lonely,
I am just depressed.

I am just tired,
It the full reality

I feel like everything is my fault,
cause that no one likes me,
I only have one guy in the world that cares,
i still feel alone,
i am mentally tired of my past,
My flashback hurts me everyday,
i feel alone even i am not physically,
but mentally that i do.
people that hurt me in the past thinks that
everything is my fault.

I feel like that my life is a mess,
I don't have a lot of time about my mind think of good,
My mind is always thinks about the bad,
and I can't help it.

I am physically and mentally sad
and torn apart when no one is around,
No one knows the reason why
I sleep late when I use my phone...

Sometimes that I wish that my life
was better, and easier.
I just want to do certain things in life that I want to do.

I am a huge mess,
when I do something wrong,
i don't eat much just to punish myself,
i didn't care though.

I have a eating disorder since i was 4 years old or maybe younger,
my mom was sick with a mental Disease that she didn't feed me much.
I was starting then to feel depressed,
and i starved myself at least 2 or 3 times.
i can't remember a lot but i remember that issue in that.

All that i did is drink Pop just to keep me alive.
I am so pale that I don't have iron into my system,
my body system gets confused and i can't think about that much.

I am a huge mess,
and sometimes that I need someone....

If anyone would understand about my situation,
that I have been in.
I just can't take it.
I feel alone inside,
cause of people that I thought
that was my friends was threatening me.

I can't sleep cause of my pain.
I just need someone to talk
to me to understand my feelings.
I feel strong in the outside,
but in the inside,
I feel weak and afraid.

I been having panic attacks
ever since I have that threat.
I don't even know how
I can handle myself anymore.

I used to be Timeless cause my life
that no one cares about
me except my boyfriend.
he all that I have left
in this world to be honest.

he saved my life,
cause I was cutting
myself very bad.

no one believed me
cause they think that
I wouldn't do it.

I did a few times,
my cuts are healed cause
that I haven't done it
in a long time ago.

I just starved myself
when I do something wrong.
I feel pain inside cause of it.
I just don't know
what to do anymore.

~~~~~~
When someone hurt you,
and it took them long enough
to make it up and hurt for a long time,
it too late when I had been broken,
I been causing myself worse than anyone thinks,
Like thinking what I shouldn't do,
I feel like a disappointment,
Feeling like a worthless toy to been thrown away,
feeling jealous that I don't have much in life,
I can't help it when I am like that,
just don't have people in real life to support me,
I don't know if I am worth anything..
~~~~~~

~~~
I am so tired of everything,
I been suffering,
I been crushed,
I been defeated,
I been feeling weak,
My emotions are weak,
My life is a wreak,
I feel like no one understands,
My heart's been broken,
My mind is lost and confused,
I feel like that I can't take it anymore,
I need someone just to comfort me,
I don't get them often,
I feel like that I am in a cage,
And I can get out,
I don't know where I am at,
It dark and scary,
I can't see anything,
My tears that I can't control,
It hurts,
It hurts so much,
I just want the pain to go away,
I can't stop the pain,
I can't stop thinking about it,
Because it hurts so much,
My nightmares continues to haunts me,
I want it to stop,
Make it stop,
I can't breathe,
I am trying to get out of it,
But it makes it worse,
I try to ask for help,
I hear people in my mind,
Like they are saying,
'I am busy, I am working now.'
'Can't you see that I am talking to someone else?!?!'
'You are a waste of space, leave me alone!!!'
'You just want attention don't you!?'
'You deserve this! Cause you hurt me, you wasted my life!'
'You don't deserve to have friends. I made you this way so just die!!!'
So that is what I am hearing in my head,
My nightmares still haunts me,
I just want it to stop,
It hard to speak louder to let people know that I am a problem,
I feel like that,
No one sees my silences,
I feel now is that I'm a problem,
Because I am a burden...
~~~

nothing simple anymore,
i am trying,
it hard,
why am i like this,
do i hurt people,
do i blame myself..
without thinking of it,
well I don't know why I am like this,
I am just what I am..

My personally is nothing,
like I just don't know what I am,
do i feel like this everyday,
am i selfish that much,
i don't know...
that the point,
I will never know....

When someone changes to be a different person,
They won't be the same,
They will hurt you,
They will not change until you might can change them,
Half the chance will happen and the other half won't happen,
My life was full of it,
Because that I went through it
Since I was in elementary school,
I went through a lot of trauma and
Drama that I was always in the middle of it,
I been through it all,
Even someone wants me to believe things that never were true,
It will never will happen again,
Cause I am not fooling it,
Things change,
People changes like petals falling.

A time to fight,
when detractions that you don't see,
is when someone stabs you (me),
When a conventions cause destruction on others,
that went people feels more in pain.

For years goes by,
people will feel more determine to find answers,
to wonder why they hurt them, (me)
that when they will feel more angry at them.

More time goes by and no signs of anything,
More emotions, more pain, and lost self-esteem,
feeling hopeless everyday,
wondering why they hurt me?

Trying to breathe,
Breathe in and out heavily,
It hurts like it never hurt before,
Trying to sleep, with everything that I have,
Nothing is working for me,
The pain of my nightmares are only
getting worse and worse everyday,
Getting over with my pain that I went through,
It hurts inside and out,
I just feel sleepless

I'm a late person. To be honest,
Feeling like that I am drained, but can't sleep,
The reason why that I will just cry,
I get horrible nightmares,
That i just have flashbacks
From the people that hurt me
The ones that made me suffered,
The ones that bullied me,
The ones that made me weak,
The ones that called me horrible names behind my back,
Also the worst of it all is the ones that made me naive to them.
I am just tired and i had tried to sleep,
But i can't....
It just so hard to deal with.

I wish that I just move on from the past,
But someone that I know won't,
they hurt me too many times for no reason,
I just wish that person can just move on,
I just don't know why things happens to me,
I just feel hurt too many times.
I am just done with them for good!

Every situation that I been through,
is just full of darkness,
All through my life,
I hardly talked about it though,
It gives me pain and suffering,
I been hurt too many times,
that it hard for me to live,
I want to live and not give up,
it just that i been mentally in pain,
and also i just feel a burden,
Mostly I feel like way cause their certain people,
People that made me feel that way,
I feel so useless cause of
no one lets me help them with anything,
I feel like that my heart is like billions of pieces,
that it would be hard to fix,
I just wish that my pain just to go away,
cause my life is full of darkness and sadness.

I always ask that question to myself
Am I broken?
I feel like it,
I see myself like it,
and always feel invisible in certain things.
So yea I am broken.
But what people think of me?
I don't know,
not a lot of them tells me that.
Maybe some people did,
I still don't know why I never notice what they think,
cause I have been anti-social for a long time.
So that a reason why.
I don't know anymore.

I feel cold,
I can't see what I am doing,
I am losing energy,
I feel pain inside,
I can't control my emotions,
I can't help that I am losing control.

I feel cold,
By feeling numb,
I feel cold inside,
All of my emotions are
deep inside,
save me from my isolations,
I want to be free from the cold,
No one seen me for who I am,
My heart burns,
in pain,
screaming for help,
I am tired of waiting,
I want to be saved physically,
Mostly Mental.

I am tired of life,
I am tired of people hurting me,
I am tired of people stabbing me behind my back,
I am hurt Physically and Mentally,
I am a mess up,
I am worthless,
I am nothing,
I am nothing but a waste of trash,
I am stressing about everything,
and I don't know what to do anymore.
#HelpMe2018

I am not a normal person cause
that My life wasn't normal,
I am more of a broken girl,
with a broken heart...
it hard for me to speak out...
it hard to let the people that I love,
for what wrong with me...
it hard for me to trust people in real life to deal with....
everything hurt.

My heart is burning like it's on fire. I can't explain it cause my anxiety thinks that I am alone and don't have anyone by my side. I am just hurting inside and people (My family, certain friends, etc) doesn't understand my problems. I been wanting to leave my home town cause I feel so isolated and I feel so helpless.

My shadows just giving me negative thoughts like "Cut yourself cause you deserve it, cause someone from your high schools ex-friend wants me to it" "Your so worthless" "Your Nothing" "Why Are you here anyway?" It my nightmares that giving me these things.

Sometimes that Half of my life was a lie cause how I was raise most of my life that no one seen me almost dying cause of my starvation when I was little. No one seen my cut myself,(Didn't do much of it.) I almost **** myself a few times cause I am tired of people hurting me and bullied me, lied to me too many times, and most worst thing, is stealing part of heart that wants me to care about them that hurt me.

I feel like screaming out and just let it out cause of my pain and suffering pain. no one seen my weak spot that I always cover everything and no one see me in pain. I always wear a mask that no one sees me crying. Most of my life wants to know why I am here anyways.

I been isolated in my room just doing nothing and look at the the tiles in my room, not saying anything to anyone. I feel alone and i am in pain. I feel like that I just feel numb and just don't know the words to say.

My whole life that I have speech problems ever since I was little, and Mostly that I was always quiet and not saying a word to anyone. The reason that I feel pain inside and when I feel numb, it the same issues. Their both the worst pain that I ever had, and it still is.

My life is like this. Covering myself...
It cold, it hurts, I am feeling like that I am going to break,
Waiting to see what my life will be in the future and see
what is real, I don't know right now, cause I feel so cold and hurt,
I want to see what is real
in my terms and I want to see it a long time ago,
when someone in my life fool me too many times...
one day that I will know what is real.

I just want to let you all know about something and this isn't easy what I am going to say cause I need this out of my chest. It been in my mind ever since high school. I been having a hard time and this is a reason that I became antisocial. It was the beginning of my Junior Year and I just had an awful feeling and I was talking to some of my friends and their was this girl and I just call her C.
So C came to me out of no where and just told me why I haven’t talk to one of her friends and I call her K. So I couldn't say anything back to her so C just got mad and walk away. My friends that was sitting with me wondering why that happened and I just didn't understood it either. Then a couple weeks later C and K just trying to get to my issues and I wasn't mad at C and I was mad at K and I don’t remembered why.
So I just confused so I just stop talking to a lot of people and just hanging out all of my own mostly except when I have someone around me. So anyway the next year most just I haven’t seen C for years now cause she moved somewhere and everything about my life was that I been lied too all the time just made me become more and more antisocial. I was mostly just been more and more depressed. I just still don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

Sometimes when you lose someone,
I would be sad and hurt.

But in time i would matter as well
to forget them in my mind,
and don't remember them at all.

I try my best in my life
just to be friendly to them,
but they are friendly to me.
so That fine,
that their loss on they just lost
a really great person....

Things will change
for the rest of my life.

but I don't want things to change,
but i guess that i have to...
so good luck in my life,
and let see how long that I will last.......

I feel sometimes that my life wasn't easy,
My pain that gives me the burden,
I feel a burden to my family,
And also my friends,
Even though I don't have a lot of,
I have one of them that I don't talk to,
Because that some things that hard to talk about,
I feel like I am a burden to her,
And I can't stand it,
I been through enough of feeling like this,
I feel like I get emotional that I cried so easily that I can't take it anymore,
Sometimes that I can't handle this life
Anymore,
I want to be free from a burden.

I wish that I live in a Fantasy world with no trouble, but things is that life is an unknown reality. Living in a horrible life that people will have a different life problem that no one sees, or hears. Hearts breaks my many, and by many, I mean millions.

I have a lot of reasons that I have trust issues cause I have a lot of unknown truths from people that lies to me, goes behind my back way back in the days. I wish that I wasn't there to see it. Life has become to me to an unknown reality.

My mind been off lately
cause I have not post any stories
(not talking about poems)
I had been depressed
and lost cause of an betrayed ex-friend....
my mind isn't over it cause
she hurt me too many times
and I failed not to noticed the real her.....
I know now that people like her
will always keep doing things wrong
and I wish that she would change for me...
if she sees this,
I am sorry it just how I feel.
I never hurt her,
i never lied to her,
never back stabbed her,
anything....
i supported her even all the hurt...
if she changed i would of been her friend...
when someone hurt another,
it hard to get over that other person...
i been numb cause of it.
i harm myself cause of her,
i starved myself sometimes
when i did something wrong cause of her..
.
.
.
if you never hurt anyone you care
about leave a like...
that would mean a lot,
and it would give me hope...

“Betrayal doesn’t only break your heart
but also darkens your soul.
You’ll never forget the pain
like a fog that forever lingers
in the depths of your mind.”

Stress...
Pain....
depressed...
sad....
Confused....
"All the lies that I deal with
in a few months ago.
I am tired of lies
from someone that I once knew."
Flashbacks kills me to death...
All of the hurt that she done to me,
what to do about this problem.......

confusion,
pain,
hurt,
crying for help,
no one could hear me.

I Been Broken already,
The unseen is more important
Than what you already seen,
It like a flower that needs to be watered.

If forgotten, It dies,
If it does, I will stay alive.
Remember them like people.
Never forget them.

I feel like that I feel isolated for my whole life,
can't think of a way out,
I get out for a little but,
But I am stuck for a long time.

I want to be free,
people thinks of me fighting my demons,
but I don't know,
I feel more like I am fighting myself,
wants to be free from my problems.

I have problems that I am afraid of...
feel abandon,
losing everyone that I love,
everything that i need in my life,
is my lover.

I am afraid that he will leave me,
I feel like that i will have nothing left,
then after that their things that I don't want to do,
I am just tired of feeling isolated.