Over the last four months,
I been having issues in my life
is going upside down,
Pain that giving me into harms ways,
Been having bad thoughts isn't good,
My pain is telling me that I am done with everything,
But I don't want it to happened,
But it wants to control me,
I want it to be over that I don't
want to have them feelings,
My heart and my mind is numb,
just like my whole body is numb,
no one to talk to,
it breaks me easily,
I just want everything to be normal again.

I feel like that I feel isolated for my whole life,
can't think of a way out,
I get out for a little but,
But I am stuck for a long time.

I want to be free,
people thinks of me fighting my demons,
but I don't know,
I feel more like I am fighting myself,
wants to be free from my problems.

I have problems that I am afraid of...
feel abandon,
losing everyone that I love,
everything that i need in my life,
is my lover.

I am afraid that he will leave me,
I feel like that i will have nothing left,
then after that their things that I don't want to do,
I am just tired of feeling isolated.

Somethings that people can do is change,

Change is something that is good or bad,

That is what Reality is,

Reality is giving us to have a change to the world,

If some people change to the good,

that a good thing,

If some people change to the bad,

than that alright cause that is not us,

By God gives us a choice,

Heaven or Hell.

That the next part of Reality,

Choosing something that is easy to make,

Like which one is better,

be free, or burn in shame,

that is just simple is that.

I choose Heaven so I can be free and Happy,

it like a bird flying without getting hurt,

and that is what reality is.

I wonder how the ocean will feel like,
I wonder how painless it feels,
I wonder how beautiful it is,
I wonder if I will see the day will come,
My emotions would be better,
I wished it everyday,
Wish to be happy,
But it hard when I am in still a cage,
I almost escaped once,
I failed..
I been dragged back and it double locked,
If I tried again it could feel worse.
Like I would be *******,
It would make it even harder than before,
I just want to be free,
Just like the Ocean..
To be free.

After years My mother left me and I been having panic attacks that I never told anyone in my life cause of so many confusions in my life. So I was at my house that night that I saw my dad goes to his room and shuts the door and locks it. I got so scared in my life that I just go in my room and just cries cause I was alone and I had nothing to help me.

My mom is gone and i am afraid that I am going to lose my dad, I didn't eat much even when my mother left me. Even tho that I don't call her mom anymore, I just miss having a mother in my life that I never ever got to expensive a mom to hold me and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

I feel so broken that i just don't know anymore that I felt suicidal even I was only 5 years old, but I got over it anyway. I played one sport even though it was for tiny children. I just still felt depressed that I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I went to therapist to another to another. I just gave up cause they haven't helped me. I just had to deal with my own problems for the rest of my life. I just feel that my real mom died a long time ago.

By the time that I was 7 or 8 years old, I been started to be bullied and been make fun of, and also drama begun too.  I was always in the middle of everything. No one believed me and I feel so fooled though to everyone.

One day that I feel so Anti-Social that I didn't want to talk to anyone that i was silent for a few days even tho that I had to study and a lot of crap that goes through my life is. My speech therapy still haven't changed much when I was 5 yrs old. I never ever stand up for myself cause i never had real friends. just full of fake friends.

I just wish that i never became like this and just be full of spirited and be happy, I wasn't happy, I never had since later on in life. Even tho Drama always followed me until I done with school. Even tho it still is. Will I ever be happy?? Will I ever get a best friend that I will trust and share everything with her? I guess that I will never know.......

I feel like right now
is that I don't deserve anything in life
and i don't have anyone to talk to.
My anxiety is very bad,
and my self-esteem isn't great.
i just don't know anymore.

I feel like a waste of trash....
I have nothing to help myself from my past,
no one knows my tears...
No one seen my tears for ages,
I feel like a burden...
like how someone throw me away,
Broken tears always there for everyone to see,
No one does....
My life is boring,
No one to care to see my face...
Care about me...
I feel like no one wants to talk to me,
I just wear a hood and jeans whenever fall comes,
cause no one can see my pain.
I been push away cause of lies from others that hurts me,
I helped them and nothing helps...
I punish myself not to eat for a couple of days,
no one notice that too..
cause no one ask...
I am a problem...
That why that I don't talk to others,
Cause I am Anti-Social.
I getting to hate Facebook cause how the world is....
I hate things that gives me pain..
that okay I got used to it already...
that why My tears that no one sees....

I am still upset about things in the past,

their is things that is still a mystery to me,

I am tired a lot of crap into my life,

I am tired of lies,

I am tired of a lot people lying to me in social Media,

I am trying to find out things that was a mystery to me,

I tried to let go,

It just that my heart wants to know the truth,

and it needs it so I can be free,

Like an bird that can go where ever it goes.

Betrayed is the worst thing of my life.
My only friend in real life betrayed me
and I feel a broken girl
that feels numb.

When people lies to me,
the truth comes out.
When he or she hurts me,
I have pain all over.
Feeling alone
just makes me feel worse.
I cried inside,
just because it hard to let it out.

Thinking about the worst scenarios is that I always think of myself as a failure,
Sometimes that I feel mentally exhausted,
I want to cry about the ones that I thought that I hurt,
Even tho they tell me that I didn't,
I feel like it though,
It doesn't matter what happened,
It matters on the actions,
The action is just a detail of what happened,
My failures is on the actions,
Sometimes that that I stopped breathing for no reason for that,
My problems that I feel that everything is my fault,
I am just tired of failing.
Why me in my life come to this?

I can’t sleep at all cause of some things in my life is
and was a wreck.
My Anxiety is going up ever since a few months back
and i am tired of some certain person that i know
that wants to ruin people life like mine.
I am sick of High School Drama,
and certain person that i know needs to grow up and have a life.
If anyone wants to know, ask me
cause i am tired pf this is stuck into my chest for years.
Sometimes that i feel like that i am done with life
and sometimes that it the opposite of that.
I have a eating disorder since i was 4
cause how i been treated when i was little.
Depression and anxiety came from my age between 8-10 years old. PTSD came from my high school life that i became Anti-Social.
also from my Panic Attacks.
I don’t want to talk about my other thing that happened to me a couple years ago cause it pains me.
I am done with Certain things of life.
I need support in my life that i can’t handle anymore and sometimes that i dislike myself for it.
the past wants to haunt me forever.
dreams that i had is about my past and it hurts badly.
it hard to tell someone and sometimes that i want to do in a dark hole. I am a broken soul that is hard to fix.
i only need one person and it my man that i love.

The World Confuses me,
I am connected into the dark,
It's Lock from the outside,
that I can't reach.

Their is no way out,
the dark wants me to stay,
I cried that I want out,
but it won't let me.

I wish that I would get out,
So I can count the stars in the night,
that the beauty isn't here,
they want to break me,
start in the inside and out.

I am broken,
it hurts so much,
no one sees my wounds,
when I look at my mirror,
It there with me, my scars.

Broken,
numb,
hurt,
pain,
everything that is getting me.

My sleepless nights,
that wants me to stay awake,
my days goes on like this,
wants me to stay in the dark,
that the reasons that I am Broken.

Sometimes I feel isolated in my bedroom,
Nothing much going on, just sitting here,
feel emotions, so easily that My pain increases,
no one to talk to, in the dark,
it doesn't matter now,
I got used to it for a long time,
it nothing, i feel a burden for some people, not all though,
those burdens are just something stupid but so little,
it's okay.. I am fine,
I got used to it.

I feel Trapped,
I feel numb,
I feel nothing at all,
I got used to my own pain,
no one seen it,
I could never escaped it,
to my fears,
to my pain,
I feel troubled in my whole life,
first was my mom, and she was mentally sick,
Next been bullied,
Also, someone in my life in high school hurt me,
And someone harassed me,
Another is that my troubles won't ever leave me,
I feel faded from my friends,
and to my family,
I wish that my fears never came true,
that why that I am numb,
and always been.

I haven't been doing great in the last few weeks. A lot of drama with family and other things in the past has torn me up to pieces. Cause Every bad thing that happened to my life that made me think these negative thoughts. I feel hurt, broken, numb and everything.....

I feel so useless cause I can't do anything to my life. I am losing my trust to anyone that I am hurt by people in real life so bad that, I feel paranoid....

My mind thinks that something bad things going to happen to me...

Sometimes that I feel very confused that why that I have these things in my life. That people lies to me, betrayed me, hurt me, and everything that happened to my life. So the other day that I went to the PH. D Therapist and I been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and Eating disorder.

I had a eating disorder since I was a child cause of my mom physically and mentally abused me and she doesn't remember it, cause she was sick.

(Every mental problem that people thinks that I am faking cause They also think that I bring attention. I hate doing that. I don't do that just for nothing, and If I was faking, I wouldn't been on here for long and that is just wrong..)

When someone thought that they care for you,
and one day that they would stab you in the back,
The pain, the hurt, I feel betrayed,
I thought that she care, no..
she didn't love you, she hates your guts in passion,
she wanted you to believe that she was your friend,
but no, she isn't, she called you worthless,
selfish B*, and a nobody,
That me though, I wanted to change her,
No she won't,
Why though, I hope that I could change her to be a good person,
NO!!! She hurt you too many times in high school
and no one believes you,
But.... but....
No buts, she stab you too many times and you
didn't felt it until now,
yeah, that true, it is the worst pain that I felt,
tell me, who didn't believe it???
Me, I didn't want to, I want her to change so bad that I want her to be a good person,
I know that you do, but you have to face the facts,
she won't ever change,
she needs to change on her own,
I hope that your right, she too late though,
oh, and why is that,
She lies to me, she keeps secrets behind my back,
she make fake people that doesn't exists,
Okay, tell me why that do you want to change her so badly?
Because, I was lonely and have no one then,
Anything else my friend,
No I am done with her, if she comes back to me,
I am not listening to her....
anymore lies that she pulls on towards me.
I done face the facts,
she never going to change, *Cries
I am done.
done with everything on her,
I Faced it.

Sometimes I just want to scream,
I been tormented for years that I want to get out,
Trying to breathe,
trying to stay alive,
trying to stay positive,
trying not to cry,
I just can't help it when I have problems in life,
trying to be better,
trying to smile,
trying to be more active to others,
I just can't when I have issues that will never be resolve,
I am just so confused about things;
that I just don't understand why people like back stabbers hurt people like me,
I done nothing wrong,
All that I want is friends to love and to care for,
I am just damaged that never been healed,
my wounds just stay the same or just got worse,
no one can heal them,
I had too many disturbance in life that makes me feel stressed,
pain just makes me feel too much agony in my whole life,
I am tired of suffering,
I am tired of being hurt,
I am tired of the stress,
I just want to be healed from my pain,
I am tired of feeling hopeless.

My life was full of hate and pain,
But Pain wants to hurt me still,
and I just hate what it is,
Now I am in a room full of darkness,
I need someone to help me,
Help me get out,
Help me and I want to be pure again,
Please....

Am I good enough?
Sometimes I don't know if I am.
cause people thinks of me that I hurt them,
I do though,
I punished myself to do it,
sometimes that I don't have a point of being here,
I am trying to be myself and forget my past,
I can't when I have trust issues,
When I also have depression, anxiety, and ptsd,
I have a ton of flashbacks and i drop to the ground and cry,
sometimes I want to give up,
I can't just yet though,
cause I don't have that courage to do it.

By my time that I felt worthless,
I never knew that my life became breathless,
that life full of jealousy,
that I thought my scars were  temporarily,
I was wrong that I felt paralyzed,
Losing friends felt for me is very unreal,
But it is the reality that I felt stabbed,
those scars become bigger everyday.

My heart tells me that I need love,
My brain tells me that I need to be alone,
My guts tells me that I need help,
My whole body needs everything.

My broken life been through hell,
My broken heart have been through pain,
My broken spirit have been through darkness,
My broken soul have been through everything.

My past self needed a mom in my life,
My present self needed friends in life,
My future self need to build a family and a happy life,
Today time self need my boyfriend help my mental self.

It hard to tell people about my issues,
It because of my past problems,
My life that no one know how difficult that it was,
I wish that I get some understanding of it,
I hope.

This is something about my life
that I Have to put this on here just to get
it out of my chest.

My heart is still in pain cause I have some things
that the truths that I haven't know,
that also been unknown.

I just wish that they would just told me the truth,
if they had done it,
I would not be as depressed and in pain.

My life is that my body is full of scars,
that things that I wish that things never had happened
my life would need support.

Maybe that I would never know the truth,
Maybe that no one would support my decision,
I just don't know anymore.

You the ones that made me hurt,
that I become broken,
But I become woken,
that we haven't spoke in ages,
so turn the page on your story, not mine,
that you went across the line,
also not realized it,
I am a winner either way,
I am a broken girl,
I always had help,
don't double cross me again,
I become stronger than you,
cause you lied too much,
it is easy to spot,
You made me broken,
and made me scars,
but that doesn't stop me from doing
what I want to do in life,
don't ever hurt me again.

~~~
No one sees the pain,
No one who I really am,
Everyone that I hold dearly,
They see me in a different personality,
Online, I am a different,
The real me is what I am from the inside,
Not the outside,
Sometimes that not everything about me,
I might never know what I really am,
When I feel darkness inside of me,
That give me pain....
~~~