I wish that I just move on from the past,
But someone that I know won't,
they hurt me too many times for no reason,
I just wish that person can just move on,
I just don't know why things happens to me,
I just feel hurt too many times.
I am just done with them for good!

Sometimes that I feel everyday that I am losing myself little by little...
I can't explain myself because that it sad for people with mental problems like me have to go through a lot just to stay strong..
but not in a healthy way...
Because I am still alive but not eating right because of my eating disorder...
I don't sleep great because of everything that I been though...
I don't look as good because I am losing confidence and self-esteem...
I have no friends physically because of my trust issues...
and I don't talk much...
I have to go out in public some because I am helping my sick grandmother...
I can't handle crowds...
I am trying to hold it for so long...
I stayed in my room because I feel safe from the Reality...
I am Broken from the people that hurt me and betrayed me.
It feel like forever that I just want to be free....

I'm a late person. To be honest,
Feeling like that I am drained, but can't sleep,
The reason why that I will just cry,
I get horrible nightmares,
That i just have flashbacks
From the people that hurt me
The ones that made me suffered,
The ones that bullied me,
The ones that made me weak,
The ones that called me horrible names behind my back,
Also the worst of it all is the ones that made me naive to them.
I am just tired and i had tried to sleep,
But i can't....
It just so hard to deal with.

Living a lie makes everything worse,
seeing the truth makes me want to leave,
getting hurt by everyone,
I feel torment,
getting distress by my anxiety,
makes me feel weak,
so much grief in my past,
that I can't be happy,
I have so much weight on my shoulders,
no one even knows the hell i been through.

I wonder how the ocean will feel like,
I wonder how painless it feels,
I wonder how beautiful it is,
I wonder if I will see the day will come,
My emotions would be better,
I wished it everyday,
Wish to be happy,
But it hard when I am in still a cage,
I almost escaped once,
I failed..
I been dragged back and it double locked,
If I tried again it could feel worse.
Like I would be *******,
It would make it even harder than before,
I just want to be free,
Just like the Ocean..
To be free.

nothing simple anymore,
i am trying,
it hard,
why am i like this,
do i hurt people,
do i blame myself..
without thinking of it,
well I don't know why I am like this,
I am just what I am..

My personally is nothing,
like I just don't know what I am,
do i feel like this everyday,
am i selfish that much,
i don't know...
that the point,
I will never know....

I feel cold,
I can't see what I am doing,
I am losing energy,
I feel pain inside,
I can't control my emotions,
I can't help that I am losing control.

~~~
No one sees the pain,
No one who I really am,
Everyone that I hold dearly,
They see me in a different personality,
Online, I am a different,
The real me is what I am from the inside,
Not the outside,
Sometimes that not everything about me,
I might never know what I really am,
When I feel darkness inside of me,
That give me pain....
~~~

~~~
I feel nothing,
I feel sad,
I feel empty in my life,
Alone that I am still mostly,
It's pain inside of me,
I am tired of feeling like this,
How can I get through this,
When I am alone mostly,
I am tired of everything,
Mentally and physically,
I don't know how long I will last,
I am wishes everyday that I have
Someone with me 24/7,
Mentally for me is that I am hurt all the time,
Physically is that I feel like a burden to everyone,
I just feel nothing....
~~~

~~~

My mind feels confused,
I feel so lost that I just feel trapped,
I can't see anything but darkness
It hurts so much,
I don't see how people get out of it,
But I can't get out of my own madness,
Feels like more than madness,
It feels like hell.
-S.M 2019

~~~

~~~
I am so tired of everything,
I been suffering,
I been crushed,
I been defeated,
I been feeling weak,
My emotions are weak,
My life is a wreak,
I feel like no one understands,
My heart's been broken,
My mind is lost and confused,
I feel like that I can't take it anymore,
I need someone just to comfort me,
I don't get them often,
I feel like that I am in a cage,
And I can get out,
I don't know where I am at,
It dark and scary,
I can't see anything,
My tears that I can't control,
It hurts,
It hurts so much,
I just want the pain to go away,
I can't stop the pain,
I can't stop thinking about it,
Because it hurts so much,
My nightmares continues to haunts me,
I want it to stop,
Make it stop,
I can't breathe,
I am trying to get out of it,
But it makes it worse,
I try to ask for help,
I hear people in my mind,
Like they are saying,
'I am busy, I am working now.'
'Can't you see that I am talking to someone else?!?!'
'You are a waste of space, leave me alone!!!'
'You just want attention don't you!?'
'You deserve this! Cause you hurt me, you wasted my life!'
'You don't deserve to have friends. I made you this way so just die!!!'
So that is what I am hearing in my head,
My nightmares still haunts me,
I just want it to stop,
It hard to speak louder to let people know that I am a problem,
I feel like that,
No one sees my silences,
I feel now is that I'm a problem,
Because I am a burden...
~~~

I am a mess,
I can't stop feeling like this,
My loneliness that I can't even bear it,
no one had seen my suicidal side of me,
I would something that i don't want to do,
because of my own isolation,
My room is a mess,
like me,
My depression leads something worse,
I feel so weak and numb..

I been trying to hard to get over my problems,
It just hard when someone lets me down,
People tells me that everything is going to be okay,
But I am still not okay for over 17 years of my mental life that I been through,
I been broken since I was 4,
I was a broken doll that was mentally in pain,
Trying to forget everything,
Nothing much to help me,
I don't know what to do anymore,
Trying to make friends is hard,
Trying to get along with my family is hard,
Trying to have my relationship with everyone in my life is hard,
I feel lost and broken

~~~~~~
When someone hurt you,
and it took them long enough
to make it up and hurt for a long time,
it too late when I had been broken,
I been causing myself worse than anyone thinks,
Like thinking what I shouldn't do,
I feel like a disappointment,
Feeling like a worthless toy to been thrown away,
feeling jealous that I don't have much in life,
I can't help it when I am like that,
just don't have people in real life to support me,
I don't know if I am worth anything..
~~~~~~

no matter what happens,
their will be bad people...
that will hurt others,
or you or me,
nobody in this world made perfect,
because everybody has
their own problems.

when someone wanted to change for the better,
they need to be what they should be,
Sometimes what I think that not a lot of people changes,
Some people does for their better input,
It could be worse for you/me,
or it would be good,
It wouldn't help you to be better when someone hurt you,
people need to change if they want to,
I think that in my life experiences,
you got half the chance that they will or won't change,
You might be just lucky if they would,
to me I wouldn't known what I would call it.
It depends on them.

confusion,
pain,
hurt,
crying for help,
no one could hear me.

Thinking about the worst scenarios is that I always think of myself as a failure,
Sometimes that I feel mentally exhausted,
I want to cry about the ones that I thought that I hurt,
Even tho they tell me that I didn't,
I feel like it though,
It doesn't matter what happened,
It matters on the actions,
The action is just a detail of what happened,
My failures is on the actions,
Sometimes that that I stopped breathing for no reason for that,
My problems that I feel that everything is my fault,
I am just tired of failing.
Why me in my life come to this?

I don't understand why things happens,
hurt by people that I loved includes,
my family,
friends and ex-friends that i don't talk to,
and also don't get much support from them,
my pain doesn't show much physically,
but mentally it shows,
I wish that I would made my pain to end,
but don't know how.
I deserve ever bad karma comes to me,
I learn my punishment just made me even more pain,
i want it to end.

I feel sometimes that my life wasn't easy,
My pain that gives me the burden,
I feel a burden to my family,
And also my friends,
Even though I don't have a lot of,
I have one of them that I don't talk to,
Because that some things that hard to talk about,
I feel like I am a burden to her,
And I can't stand it,
I been through enough of feeling like this,
I feel like I get emotional that I cried so easily that I can't take it anymore,
Sometimes that I can't handle this life
Anymore,
I want to be free from a burden.

I always ask that question to myself
Am I broken?
I feel like it,
I see myself like it,
and always feel invisible in certain things.
So yea I am broken.
But what people think of me?
I don't know,
not a lot of them tells me that.
Maybe some people did,
I still don't know why I never notice what they think,
cause I have been anti-social for a long time.
So that a reason why.
I don't know anymore.

The time that I was in the tenth grade in high school, I started to write poetry and stories. I never forgotten when someone in my life made me feel like this, like a weak person that is been very hurtful to me.

Even though that we went to our separate ways, it doesn't change the pain away. Like one time me and them always share poetry and them threw me away and she threw the friendship necklace away and I never forget what it looks like.

I like to put an example of of old poem that I could try to remember. It was about true friendship and never will break away.

'When I first met you,
We were enemies and become best friends,
We grew until something bad happened,
And we came back together,
Our friendship will last forever,
True friends tells each other the truth and never lie to each other,
That why we are indescribable.'

I was hurt when I saw this and it made me feel so weak in my life and sometimes that I don't know why I am here anyways?

I had people in my life that I was been bullied and I been thrown away like no one cares or sees my problems.

Well it's life and no one knows why. I don't know why things happens.

More reasons why I am like this is that my personality are strange and weird, and mostly of my AntiSocial life. Well depression,
anxiety, eating disorder, and others that I have that made me what I am.

I don't have many friends physical cause I don't go out much like I stay home all the time. That my life. My isolation that my family made me feel worse and I don't know why this happens to me between them and me?

I don't deserve this for what I get from them, some of my family doesn't talk to me. They would be a work, be busy or doing something that I don't know about. I want to be free and I been hurt too many times and I wish that I get out of here where I live at and moved on. My past still haunts me since I was 4 years old.

I guess I deserve for what I get for granted. :(

I feel a burden to everyone,
I feel like I have nothing,
My mind is killing me when I feel like this,
When no one around me and no one to talk to,
I feel down and depressed,
Mostly worse than that,
Deep down inside of me that my life have been worse by the day,
And not my family by 80% not been there for me with my problems,
Even though that they say that they're, but not really,
Even though that I have a few friends online,
Their mostly doing something or going to work or college,
Oh well I guess I deserve it,
It my karma cause that I feel like that life will give me a bad time too.
Well sometimes that I don't know why I am still here anyway.
I keep thinking that life will be better, but it makes it worse.

I feel cold,
By feeling numb,
I feel cold inside,
All of my emotions are
deep inside,
save me from my isolations,
I want to be free from the cold,
No one seen me for who I am,
My heart burns,
in pain,
screaming for help,
I am tired of waiting,
I want to be saved physically,
Mostly Mental.

My darkness is depressing,
No one seen my troubled times,
Even though their still is,
When I thought of someone had changed for because of someone or something,
Doesn't mean that it's true,
Even though they want the drama to end,
Doesn't mean that they will still hurt you,
I feel hurt cause of a promise,
That wasn't needed to be broken,
I was in tears when I realized it,
It was pain and I suffered long enough,
I know now I seen her true colors,
More than I know,
I still feel hurt,
The pain won't go away until I know something good about them.

When people lies to me,
the truth comes out.
When he or she hurts me,
I have pain all over.
Feeling alone
just makes me feel worse.
I cried inside,
just because it hard to let it out.

I just don't understand,
why I feel like this,
By feeling isolated,
feeling depressed,
having anxiety,
also Mentally tired.
I want to have a best life,
it just my life is so confusing,
and also part of my life feel like a lie.
I am so tired of feeling
jealous and feel like I been hated,
I feel like that people calls me a fake,
or when someone thinks that,
I am getting attention,
I just wants my problems on here,
just to get the worst off my chest.
I am just so tired of everything.

I feel like that I feel isolated for my whole life,
can't think of a way out,
I get out for a little but,
But I am stuck for a long time.

I want to be free,
people thinks of me fighting my demons,
but I don't know,
I feel more like I am fighting myself,
wants to be free from my problems.

I have problems that I am afraid of...
feel abandon,
losing everyone that I love,
everything that i need in my life,
is my lover.

I am afraid that he will leave me,
I feel like that i will have nothing left,
then after that their things that I don't want to do,
I am just tired of feeling isolated.

When I'm depressed,
I feel so torn apart,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so insecure,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so ruined,

When I'm depressed,
I feel so emotional.

When I feel so lonely,
I am just depressed.

I am just tired,
It the full reality

My broken life,
I lose my best friend,
No one to made me feel
Complete.

No one seen my broken side,
I wonder why things happens,
Why no one seen pain before,
I lost control of my emotions.

I don't even have a best friend,
To talk to everyday,
Share things together,
Play games with,
And most importantly,
Being together all the way.

I wrote things down everything,
That I feel and no one knows
Anything about my pain,
And wish that a have a Best friend
To share my problems with.

I Been Broken already,
The unseen is more important
Than what you already seen,
It like a flower that needs to be watered.

If forgotten, It dies,
If it does, I will stay alive.
Remember them like people.
Never forget them.

I was silence for so long,
I have been awoken,
I was tired of being quiet,
I was tired of being hurt all the time,
Even tho I am still hurt,
Sometimes that I need a real friend can at least cares for me,
For who I am and What I am,
From the Last chapter Unbelievable,
I needed to do it cause It was in my chest for so long,
I been hurt by her for a long time and someday that I never knew,
I do now know that I am not a fool and I am mostly free,
I wish that she just apologies for all the wrong,
so I will be free and she can too,
I pray everyday that she will.

A girl that was born broken,
that never thought of like this,
a child that never thought of losing someone,
a teen never thought of being hurt and depressed,
Reality that I never thought that it could be this cruel,
they left me in tears like a broken doll,
that i sit on a hay of straw,
i am just a broken human.

My heart is burning like it's on fire. I can't explain it cause my anxiety thinks that I am alone and don't have anyone by my side. I am just hurting inside and people (My family, certain friends, etc) doesn't understand my problems. I been wanting to leave my home town cause I feel so isolated and I feel so helpless.

My shadows just giving me negative thoughts like "Cut yourself cause you deserve it, cause someone from your high schools ex-friend wants me to it" "Your so worthless" "Your Nothing" "Why Are you here anyway?" It my nightmares that giving me these things.

Sometimes that Half of my life was a lie cause how I was raise most of my life that no one seen me almost dying cause of my starvation when I was little. No one seen my cut myself,(Didn't do much of it.) I almost **** myself a few times cause I am tired of people hurting me and bullied me, lied to me too many times, and most worst thing, is stealing part of heart that wants me to care about them that hurt me.

I feel like screaming out and just let it out cause of my pain and suffering pain. no one seen my weak spot that I always cover everything and no one see me in pain. I always wear a mask that no one sees me crying. Most of my life wants to know why I am here anyways.

I been isolated in my room just doing nothing and look at the the tiles in my room, not saying anything to anyone. I feel alone and i am in pain. I feel like that I just feel numb and just don't know the words to say.

My whole life that I have speech problems ever since I was little, and Mostly that I was always quiet and not saying a word to anyone. The reason that I feel pain inside and when I feel numb, it the same issues. Their both the worst pain that I ever had, and it still is.

My mind can't take anymore damages from her,
I am tired of her giving me nightmares,
My mind hurts when to think about it,
I just don't know why life hates me that badly,
What can I do to forget her when she scar me for life,
Ever that that I seen a red car or anything red,
My heart hurts and i don't know why,
I been in more worse situations,
but not like this,
she played my mind too many times,
i just heard voices in my head like it was her voice and
just tell me to **** myself,
My anxiety just raises up and i start panicking,
she made my mind twisted.

I just want to let you all know about something and this isn't easy what I am going to say cause I need this out of my chest. It been in my mind ever since high school. I been having a hard time and this is a reason that I became antisocial. It was the beginning of my Junior Year and I just had an awful feeling and I was talking to some of my friends and their was this girl and I just call her C.
So C came to me out of no where and just told me why I haven’t talk to one of her friends and I call her K. So I couldn't say anything back to her so C just got mad and walk away. My friends that was sitting with me wondering why that happened and I just didn't understood it either. Then a couple weeks later C and K just trying to get to my issues and I wasn't mad at C and I was mad at K and I don’t remembered why.
So I just confused so I just stop talking to a lot of people and just hanging out all of my own mostly except when I have someone around me. So anyway the next year most just I haven’t seen C for years now cause she moved somewhere and everything about my life was that I been lied too all the time just made me become more and more antisocial. I was mostly just been more and more depressed. I just still don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

When someone changes to be a different person,
They won't be the same,
They will hurt you,
They will not change until you might can change them,
Half the chance will happen and the other half won't happen,
My life was full of it,
Because that I went through it
Since I was in elementary school,
I went through a lot of trauma and
Drama that I was always in the middle of it,
I been through it all,
Even someone wants me to believe things that never were true,
It will never will happen again,
Cause I am not fooling it,
Things change,
People changes like petals falling.

Every situation that I been through,
is just full of darkness,
All through my life,
I hardly talked about it though,
It gives me pain and suffering,
I been hurt too many times,
that it hard for me to live,
I want to live and not give up,
it just that i been mentally in pain,
and also i just feel a burden,
Mostly I feel like way cause their certain people,
People that made me feel that way,
I feel so useless cause of
no one lets me help them with anything,
I feel like that my heart is like billions of pieces,
that it would be hard to fix,
I just wish that my pain just to go away,
cause my life is full of darkness and sadness.

Their a time when someone that I thought that they would do something like the opposite of good.
I was wrong about that, to be honest,
I feel so broken and confused,
I thought that I could help her,
I thought that I could change her,
I thought that I can fix the past,
I just can't, I can't do anything right,
I am a messed up person,
I am a broken person,
I am a nobody that no one could understand,
My body is too skinny,
I can't do make myself even more skinny cause people in my head calls me fat.
My nightmares that no one knows,
They hurt me,
They bullied me,
They want to **** me slowly,
I just want it to end,
To end my suffering,
My pain,
Erase my mind that I just want to start a new life,
I just want to be happy,
Not a person like me could never have it,
I just don't know anymore.
I am just tired.

Think about how my life is
I just can't think anymore.

The time that I become
lonely.

Sometimes I just want to scream,
I been tormented for years that I want to get out,
Trying to breathe,
trying to stay alive,
trying to stay positive,
trying not to cry,
I just can't help it when I have problems in life,
trying to be better,
trying to smile,
trying to be more active to others,
I just can't when I have issues that will never be resolve,
I am just so confused about things;
that I just don't understand why people like back stabbers hurt people like me,
I done nothing wrong,
All that I want is friends to love and to care for,
I am just damaged that never been healed,
my wounds just stay the same or just got worse,
no one can heal them,
I had too many disturbance in life that makes me feel stressed,
pain just makes me feel too much agony in my whole life,
I am tired of suffering,
I am tired of being hurt,
I am tired of the stress,
I just want to be healed from my pain,
I am tired of feeling hopeless.

Would things matters when people lies,
would things matter if people stabs you(me) in the back,
is it okay when I stay in the dark forever,
is it fine when people calls me a nobody?
Would things matter when I go to a places to go no where,
Me just wonders why everything in this world is so cruel,
like a piece of leaf falls on my hands just crumbles in seconds,
like a burning fire.
The darkness is the worst way to go,
is when someone that have a mental state of issues in life that need help.
that when someone thinks that they are worthless when no one have anyone left.

Most of my life when I am thinking about things that made me feel;
Hurt. makes me feel insane when to think about it;
The insane part is that my life that I been through is;
lost of people that I have in life;
The way that I am thinking about her is;
most is some is anger cause of lies and been stab in the back;
Another is that I am sad cause of her(s) leaving me behind without a word;
I am was a fool cause of a few people in my life lets me down;
I am trying to be better, it just hard;
I thought that we shared a lot that we was sisters;
I guess that we wasn't met to be;
I become more hurt than you cause,
I thought that you was a good friend(s) to me;
I wished that they would prove to me that they would change;
Now I know that the world is the same, and People don't change;
When they want to change:

"To me it doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I got used to people hurting me and stab me in the back. I am not as strong as people think that I am. My wise words right now is that no matter where I am at, I will find a best friend to be replace soon."

-Selene

A time to fight,
when detractions that you don't see,
is when someone stabs you (me),
When a conventions cause destruction on others,
that went people feels more in pain.

For years goes by,
people will feel more determine to find answers,
to wonder why they hurt them, (me)
that when they will feel more angry at them.

More time goes by and no signs of anything,
More emotions, more pain, and lost self-esteem,
feeling hopeless everyday,
wondering why they hurt me?

After years My mother left me and I been having panic attacks that I never told anyone in my life cause of so many confusions in my life. So I was at my house that night that I saw my dad goes to his room and shuts the door and locks it. I got so scared in my life that I just go in my room and just cries cause I was alone and I had nothing to help me.

My mom is gone and i am afraid that I am going to lose my dad, I didn't eat much even when my mother left me. Even tho that I don't call her mom anymore, I just miss having a mother in my life that I never ever got to expensive a mom to hold me and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

I feel so broken that i just don't know anymore that I felt suicidal even I was only 5 years old, but I got over it anyway. I played one sport even though it was for tiny children. I just still felt depressed that I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I went to therapist to another to another. I just gave up cause they haven't helped me. I just had to deal with my own problems for the rest of my life. I just feel that my real mom died a long time ago.

By the time that I was 7 or 8 years old, I been started to be bullied and been make fun of, and also drama begun too.  I was always in the middle of everything. No one believed me and I feel so fooled though to everyone.

One day that I feel so Anti-Social that I didn't want to talk to anyone that i was silent for a few days even tho that I had to study and a lot of crap that goes through my life is. My speech therapy still haven't changed much when I was 5 yrs old. I never ever stand up for myself cause i never had real friends. just full of fake friends.

I just wish that i never became like this and just be full of spirited and be happy, I wasn't happy, I never had since later on in life. Even tho Drama always followed me until I done with school. Even tho it still is. Will I ever be happy?? Will I ever get a best friend that I will trust and share everything with her? I guess that I will never know.......

This is something about my life
that I Have to put this on here just to get
it out of my chest.

My heart is still in pain cause I have some things
that the truths that I haven't know,
that also been unknown.

I just wish that they would just told me the truth,
if they had done it,
I would not be as depressed and in pain.

My life is that my body is full of scars,
that things that I wish that things never had happened
my life would need support.

Maybe that I would never know the truth,
Maybe that no one would support my decision,
I just don't know anymore.

Sometimes I feel isolated in my bedroom,
Nothing much going on, just sitting here,
feel emotions, so easily that My pain increases,
no one to talk to, in the dark,
it doesn't matter now,
I got used to it for a long time,
it nothing, i feel a burden for some people, not all though,
those burdens are just something stupid but so little,
it's okay.. I am fine,
I got used to it.