I've wandered for years
empty from lost loves
despair had slowly consumed me
I was no longer able to truly see.
Stumbling and confused
I tried to jumpstart my heart
pseudo relationships barely kept me from crumbling
but I couldn't force myself to feel anymore.

Then you

Your eyes burnt mine open again
your hand led me back to beauty
your kiss woke my soul
I am alive again.
You surround me now
wherever I look, you're all I see
my voice, my body, me heart
all call your name.
I am, in all senses, enraptured with you.



*Summer2002

I always worry that my distaste for dressing up in a costume,
with a smurk and a line,
has lead me to missing out.



*Fall2010

I keep dreaming of an ex love, actually the only real love. I know its not really about her, but more the way we were, the love we showed each other, the love we felt. I find it hard to even imagine feeling that comfortable with anyone again, its just such a vulnerable state to live. I never really thought I would be afraid of love, feeling something was better than nothing at all.

So I try to ignore the day, coasting through until I get to dream again...
dream of things I can never have.




*Fall2010

I don't think I'll ever be able to live in the present.
Each day I seem to just be collecting memories to look back on later.
Already I expect to still be looking for a purpose in the future...
always ending up walking through my past to find peace.



*Oct2003

There are thousands of us with burning eyes, angry thoughts, clenched fists, muffled screams, broken hearts and failed dreams.
We all gather to show our support for the despisal of the world, or at least what is supposed to be 'life'.
Our power together is tremendous as we all have focused on the same points.
We are something bigger than reality, a linked collection of moments all trying to find the same solution.
We need a purpose, we grasp for any reason that justifies all we have been through.
Together we can try to form one complete life by filling up all the missing parts with faded memories.
Each one of us contributes his moment, his thoughts, his minuscule beauty and then takes his place along side with all the other empties.
Together we look at our shrine to purpose, standing back to search for any aspects of reason.

As the dark falls on our coalition, we realize that nothing has changed, we cannot build a complete form or find our complete purpose.
So every one of use sinks back to our holes and our corners, to go back into hibernation from present reality.
Slowly the creation falls apart and finally, we are nothing again.



*Spring2005

I run myself further everyday because the voices keep shouting louder.
Their taunts chase me down and force my eyes to close and teeth to clench.
I get ****** down into the hole again.

They catch me me every time with their trap and I am helpless.
Rocking back and forth I try to drown out all I hear with the only words that help me find solace...
I am nothing, I am truly nothing...

With the thought of non existence I finally can feel some peace.
This state of unimportance, of numb uncaring destitute 'kills it all away, it makes me disappear.'



*Summer2004

I fooled myself again into thinking there is a dream left somewhere in this rotten brain.
Maybe it was the sun on a warm day that led to a mirage of a place I thought could actually exist.
Or maybe it was a last ditch effort of the tiny pieces of undamaged parts, trying to break free.
All I know is that I did feel it, even accepted it, and now I suffer the consequence.

Jumping out of my hole and grasping for anything that could be called life I only end up falling back from another failure of a wanting desire for more.
And now...I have made my hole deeper, colder, and farther away from the rest of the world.



*Spring2004