I love you more than words can ever say.
The arguments & fights aside,
I will always want you to stay.
But at the same time, I believe
That I don’t deserve you,
Which is why I push you away.

The fact is, I have scars & open wounds from before.
But you see it as paying for his mistakes,
But I, I have to heal,
And make peace with this burning rage.

To be loved right, by the right man,
After years of being loved wrong, by the wrong man,
Has caused all my insecurities & fears to come out & play.
I know that you are being patient,
But I know that your patience will run out soon.

I know that you are different from anyone I have ever loved before,
I know that you are not at fault for past pain,
And if ever I regret anything,
Is that I didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved,
All the time.

I adore you,
And I Love You More, Than I Could Ever Scream....

In your home,
That is filled with dust,
And moth-balled filled drawers,
Are letters that were never sent,
And dead flowers fill your vases.

Your walls are lined with dusty photo frames,
With pictures that tell your story
In vivid color.

Pictures of you, when you were younger.
Pictures of you, in your 20’s,
When you ventured off to job corps
And met our father.

Pictures of all four of your marriages,
My brother’s first sonogram,
Followed by the nine months you carried him,
In your womb.
His baby pictures,
His school pictures,
Pictures of you and him,
Pictures of him just because,
In that light he looked like our father.

Frame after frame tells a story,
Of a mother with a child she loves unconditionally.
But....
At the very end, hangs an
Empty picture frame.

That, is where you keep me,
The un-wanted.
This, is how you remember me,
The un-loved.
This, is how you reminded yourself,
That I was there running around,
On the edges of your vision, and memory.
But not important enough to you,
To put my picture in the empty frame.

I had a dream about you.
It was like you never left, but things were
Different than before.
You held me like you meant it,
You kissed me and I could feel how much
You missed me.
You took my hand and danced me around
The kitchen and with your hand at the small of my back,
I looked at you in a way that I haven’t looked at you in 6 years,
With love and adoration.
The totality of these feelings in me, for you
Overwhelmed me to a point of tears and complete frustration.
Why couldn’t you love me this way,
Why couldn’t you look at me this way,
Why couldn’t you touch me this way,
When you were here?
You’re my past but this is a dream,
So I’ll lock it away when I’m awake and just have one more night with you in my mind.
Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll forget what I dreamt in an hour or  two.
So right now hold me, touch me, kiss me,
Like you never did in reality.
Because I need you right now and I’ll never admit it out loud,
But I miss you.
Your smile,
Eyes,
Your laughter,
Tears,
Your kisses,
Your midnight secrets,
Your confessions in the dark,
I miss being yours.
And dream you is better than waking
To reality and there being no you here with me.

I want to love you completely,
Without barriers surrounding my heart.
But you, you have the power to drown me,
In happiness and love and kindness.
You have the power to build me up and keep me grounded to make me a better person.
You are someone so beautifully rare and incredibly special.
But you scare me.
Because if I fall for you,
I’m handing you my beating heart and placing it your hands.
I’m giving you something that I was never able to give to the ones before.
I’m giving you my awareness, my willingness,
my undying trust and devotion and loyalty.
I’m giving you me.
I’m giving you the anxiety and bipolar riddled madness.
I’m giving you the depressed Wednesday mornings because I miss simplicity in its rarest form.
I’m giving you my past, and hoping you can love me despite that person I was.
I’m giving you my present and the moments in between.
I’m giving my insecurities and my demons because the moment you hold my hand the worlds becomes quiet for me.
But most importantly I’m giving my future,
Because without you I don’t have a future.
I want Sunday morning coffee,
I want Monday night movie madness and early morning Tuesday ***.
I want you for the rest of my life
Because with you I have magic and simplicity in the rarest form.

The Monsters cling to the crowded shadows in my head.
The demons take turns, clinging to my back,
In my ear they whisper sweet nothings and promises,
Promising me the world, dark and quiet.
Those promises felt empty, but they offered me something else,
HOPE....
Hope that I wasn’t alone,
That someone, anyone understood me,
That anyone, someone could hear me screaming.

But nothing more than words were ever spoken,
And those promises never came to pass.
The demons that cling to me, just use me in ways,
That make them feel alive, again.

That’s all we want, isn’t it?
To feel alive?
To feel something?
To feel anything?

I am trapped inside my head,
And still no one can hear me.
All I have,
Is the monsters in the shadows,
And the demons holding my hands.

The ghost I’ve become,
Is filled with desperation,
A unique sadness.
The darkness is an overwhelming presence,
That lingers in my chest,
Whispering in between the empty spaces,
Of my ribs.
It slowly, seeps through my skin,
Into my veins,
Traveling through my blood stream,
And like a bullet,
It goes straight into my brain.
Like most of my emotions,
I, myself am a Prisoner,
Trapped and confined in a box,
With four walls and no windows,
No room to breathe.
I sit, bound in a straight jacket,
Waiting for a chance to,
Heal from the grief,
The broken heart,
The confusion of loss.
I am broken, torn apart,
And put back together,
All wrong.
I am less of a person now, than I have ever been.

I lie to myself, when I’m around you.
I tell myself that I am content just being your friend.
But the truth is I want so much more.

I’m your go to girl, whenever you need someone around,
Why can’t I be the girl you fall for?
I love you in a way that is almost criminal.

I sit beside you and fight the urge to reach out,
For your hand.
We go for long drives and I sit there and memorize,
The color of your eyes,
The sound of your voice,
The bells in your laughter,
And I just keep falling.

I want to tell you how I feel,
But we’ll both regret it.
So I tell you inside my head.
I tell you, how hard it is to look at you,
And force myself to see you as a friend,
When really I look at you,
And see someone I love.

I want more with you.
I want to touch you in ways that would haunt you,
I want to kiss you in the middle of downtown,
During traffic so everyone can see.
I want you to lay your head in my lap,
So I can brush your hair away from your eye.
I want to lay in your arms,
With my head on your chest and just listen
To your heart beat.

There is no one like you anywhere else.
And someone like you, was meant to
Love someone like me.