Waking up
To the sound of ticking clock

Who likes that sound?
That sound of you aging
That sound of nightmares
Sound of pain being drilled to your chest

A-ha! Boiled egg and HCN(l) as breakfast
Hey, hey, tell me what do you have,
What do you have? Heartache? Heartache?
Heartache?

Recall those nights you woke up
With massive headache
And forgotten nightmare

Humans are like flowers
Beautiful yet easily wither

Then I'd like to be dried
Between the pages of your favorite book

Forget me not
Remember
Remember me as the one
Who lived.

I found a lamp, a broken lamp,
keeps shining despite broken.
A magic lamp from a magic land,
Genie's home, o, sweet home.
Three wishes won't ever do,
three wishes crawling from
you;
Seems broken, o, yeah, it's
a broken lamp, a broken lamp from a broken land,
keeps shining despite broken.

Say your three wishes already,
says Genie.
I am writing a poetry, I whisper quietly.
What do you wish it would be? asks Genie, gently.
Ssshhh, you are bothering me, Genie.
Genie was bothering me
so I leave, I leave like the autumn leaves
drift by the window.
I leave like a sunset on a rainy day ---

Never say goodbye
to a broken lamp, a broken lamp from a broken land,
keeps shining despite broken.

It's a thrown It's a thrown
What's just a phase What's just a phase
---
Unlike an airplane she flew so close to the ground
Noises you heard was a fly buzz when you died
Grinning Grinning granny
Greet it Greet it great
A fireball called sun When is my dear Earth's turn
---
Sentimental flower
Sediment on your flanel
Doll Doll Doll Who's there
Jesus come again will ya Will ya
---
Eternal blackout Eternal blackout
Et

The rose saw me growing thorns in my kidney you stole
The rose saw me burying dead turtles in my, my, my eyelids
Burned
The rose heard me singing Amazing Grace off key in a mosque
The rose heard me trembling all over my journey to Saturn to Saturn to Saturn
Burned
The rose told me it was The Little Prince
The rose told me it's okay all is imaginative
Burned

To Plath
Chubbuck
And Duncan
Whose deaths I adore
Haha! Education
Is just another way
To suffer

Life as an art
Did you take it because
You feared it? Never ---

(Beautiful things
Will turn ugly, will rot
And become *****)

Why isn't illness
A right?

There will never come a day:
1.
I stuck my head out of the window in rain
Without looking for your presence in between
2.
I drink coffee, any kind of coffee
Without pretending it's you I am drinking
3.
I see lines of poetries
Without reading it in your handwriting
4.
I blow a candle
Without imagining it's her in your heart


(I tried to read a boring book as if
it were your letters ----
But you've never sent me one)

You seem like Jesus
Are you Jesus? But no ---
You call Him with another name

Your eyes look like Jesus'
Are those His? But no ---
I've never seen His nor yours anyway

Where do you hide
on my nightmares? I fear
your absence, I never could make you up
inside my head!
Fading voice, dim heartbeat,
smooth, smooth surface of skin
An acne on my chin reminds me
you were once also a teen


Bloodfall
A trace of betrayal appears on your stomach

Your tongue and hands make miracle
I think you may well be Jesus
I saw it on the bible
But no ---

The jasmine died when
it tried to walk
past the window.
"Don't let it flow!"

You heard
what the ebony said? Don't.
Just don't. They thought
deeply that a flower
never could be a river.
They regreted it.

Not anymore. Then later
they found Snow White
stabbing The Evil Queen. To death.
Blackened blood. Ach, du.
The apple is just
a metaphor.

The jasmine was a rabbit from the moon.
She used to
make mochi and babysit
the princess, Kaguya.
Now Kaguya is all grown up. All grown up,
just like your country's spacecraft.
(I am not
that honest, but honestly
I am jealous.)

Ich, ich, ich, ich.
I never would understand
the world of
literary.

(Oh, God.)

Do me a favor
and hate me.

I put your name on
my night prayers as if there
is God, there is love.

Fallen leaves that are
Nourished by an honest wound ---
Never yet a scar

I promised to hate
what you love, but Sylvia;
Sylvia's my earth.

She was a spider
Eaten by a butterfly
O, rainbow bursting!

My hand smells of apple and
Iron in my blood begins to revolt.
A shadow puppet smirks, pulling blanket
Wrapped over the 14 year old little girl's thighs;
It's morning already, I've got to **** you,
I've got to **** you.

We found our bodies drowned at
The colorless side of the bottom of Gangga;
As if wars would soon start again
Like when we were older and you sang me
A farewell with such an emotionless voice --
The tuberoses had let you sing the sonnet alone

And since then you could not
Escape the karmic silence;
You began to replace Shiva with the ticking clock which battery's drained;
You ate the mercury, the mercury.
You began to carry your charger everywhere yet I kept
Failing to taste your tongue even for once;
For once I saw the clouds and they're blue
Like eyes of the blonde girl with plastic daisies tucked
On her hair and
Dried forget-me-nots grew on your wet heart;

The Mindanao helped me to get through
But such tight seaweed had tied my feet to you (to get me back to you, to get me back to you);
An island of fears, your homeland; mine; traditional songs and dances I refuse to learn;
City of fire was only your lies.


(I am sorry I got your name misspelled, carved on my soul.)

So full of myself
I listen to Sylvia's voice as if it's mine;
Proud yet a bit embarrassed.
She wasn't my kind of shy.

My food delivered to the house
And a dispenser alone is enough because
I drink gallons of tea instead of *****-no-ice;

Because I
Would like to try
Different method to die.

"One thing I want you
to know, darling;
you shall accept your
fears."

She understood
the flower's words
not
how to do it.

She still doesn't dare
to scream, to scream,
to scream even when her house is empty
and the neighbors are busy with
their
loud parties.

She is still afraid to cry;
her parents might be aware
of traces of tears on her cheeks
and ask her
"What happened?"
What happened? What really happens?
She doesn't even know
the answer. Never.

The flower knew
its words couldn't do
any change of good of her
yet it chose
such kind words.
Accept it.
Accept it, yes, she could.
She can. She understands.
Like climbing an apple tree
is really easy
for a fish
to think.

"Sorry about that,"
so she says, pointing at
her own weak, fake, forced days of life.

On Tuesday's newspaper;
a potrait of smile and
it's faded.

The flower was afraid
of changing. It was an apple blossom,
now a fruit
you eat one a day to keep
the doctors away.

Flawed
can
at
a factory
behind
a
farm.
Misprinted
stamp
at
a small
post office in a calm
village.

Don't
call
us
*unique.

Do you know that what makes you scared
often is a big circle of rainbow?
You are
colorblind
and it runs through your *** chromosomes.
Blame your mother 'til you are
a chunk of solid, useless rock.
Rock it out, baby!

You wore your little sister's
blood red lipstick
and kissed four
corpses
on the cheek. I saw they smiled. Wide.

I saw you cried
for a lusterless, shriveled red rose
they stomped like crazy as the music got louder, louder,
louder.

Do you know that red roses
never grow like a scar?

Your father is deaf
but I heard him once
hummed you
a lullaby.

A dentist with a
dental dam. But she prefers
wearing dental gag.

Flowers and fruits have
seasons; You too? I wonder
what scent you would lose.

Another name that is not mine
you mention in a prayer.
Another voice that is not mine
makes your body shiver.
Another smile that is not mine
brings back the child in you, a dreamer.
It feels like sword. Like cyanide acid. Like fire.
Typical, typical destroyer.

The air tastes like apple. Like God's anger.
And, somehow, somehow, it hurts.

I do a lot of
bad solos at stage corner
so you won't notice.

Poetry's there to touch.
But, touching without consent
is bad, isn't it?

I love what people
tell me, because I am too
dull to see what's shown.

I told you purple
was my favorite. But, see,
really, I had none.

I promised we'd meet
before I died. I didn't
know you could die too.

I'll soon graduate,
yet I cannot read one book
without reader's blocks.

I have this tone of
voice only you can listen
but can't bear to so.

It begins when a
butterfly dies. My stomach
is an insect grave.

Holding up tears is hard to do
Your shaking voice tells it to everyone
But you do it anyway.
Suppressing feelings is hard to do
It gives you massive headache you can't ever explain to anyone
But you do it anyway.

It takes more courage to live
And being brave is not lazy.
Trying hard is not lazy.
You are not lazy nor crazy.

This is called
Bravery.

Holding too tight to sorrow
high concentration acid
Melts
an ice cube
a season
a scar
opens

Know the joy
accepting pain
My school didn't
teach me that

I am not a fiction
I am not a dusty gem which needs to be polished
I am not worth to be kept

So here I am
Publishing drafts of bleeding heart
Disgusts you enough?

I desperately want to exist
Without a name
Nor fame

Sylvia save me
I don't really want to be
Ah! How you know me

Sylvia save me
Attraction of disaster
Natural insane

Sylvia save me
I'm starting to believe I
Won't suit for poetry

An atheist experiencing deja vu
An atheist having fear of ghosts
An atheist struggling to live

An atheist meets an ableist
Saying personality isn't such a thing to be divided

I don't believe in you but I have no more than empty

Erasing faces, justifying phases
I am not a moon or I am
I am going to read The Bell Jar for the first time
Or never
I hope I was her

An atheist wishing reincarnation did exist
An atheist's head wrapped by plastic bag

Found you

Another medical pill I don't want to swallow
Triggering white clothes

I am not going to a psychiatrist
Ever

Unlike the sea,
I stabbed by do re mi
Bleed until a la, a ti
A higher do on the bottom of a pond!

Unlike smoking,
Too much fascinated by fake kindness kills you
Hit by another train
I breathe strangers' death on the street, in front of a hospital
There, spiders, there, cockroaches
Rains hard, a cricket flood
Don't catcall me, I am scared!
Where's the rainbow?
I have fear of insects and sometimes people

Scream for me if you don't want me to
Cry for me if you don't want me to
Begin your episode if you want me to stop
I'll clap and clap and clap and clap
*I am a clown! A happy clown!

Childlike mind
A body of 97 year old lady
Putting on rubber boots, entering a forest

Cheetah's legs
Giggling, humming
Rotten teeth

Dark, dark, turn on the sunlight
No starlight reaches ground
No moonlight saves sound
Of, of skin wrinkling

Fishy tongue
Silver head
Copper heart
Bleeding

Keep running
Like a cheetah
Giggling, the lake's lost sparks
Drowning

No blue sky for eye
Stomach without butterfly
Let the wind sing, scream, anything

Cheap cone
Melted ice cream
Ants, ants, fire ants
I

I am as sweet as
doomsday; ruined, crushed, bleak; full of
denials of deaths.

The air around me
changed; I breathe new air; I have
a brand new sweet lungs!

"I feel loved but I
never be happy*) because
of it. Go away."

It was another
nightmare I din't mind having.
At least, I met you.

I'm ashamed; posting
these awkward poems; expecting
you'd read this and smile.

I'm sleeping early
Not drinking coffee
Not reading your poetry
To, to avoid you from appearing in my dreams
No, no,
Nothing works

1/
Under your claws, I
could not fly. My wings rot; soul
numbs; heartbeats empty.

2/
You say I'm alive
though it's just my body. You
killed me; deny it.

3/
I seek freedom and
I do fight for mine. But don't
you say I love it.

4/
Do you know that when
you killed one longing, you were
teeming three others?

I am a decayed
flower; losing a beauty
to become a seed.

I started writing poetries
But all I could read from it was
The sound of bones cracking
Another cry I always told myself not to be let out
The sound of eyeballs falling to a spring

I kept repeating your recorded voice
Breathing to it over, over, all over again
Couldn't smell your soul
Couldn't feel the warmth of your breath

I accidentaly broke my chest, ripped my heart,
Accidentally casted the darkness away
Couldn't find you
Couldn't see you

How was your voice again?
It was a dusty bluish green
A moss-covered 2 p.m. bright sky

Do you ever see our star?
It's called "sun"
The one that casts you away from your mind
But not mine

I am scattering
like light, like dandelions
minus glimpse of hope.

I fall because I
am afraid of height, I fell
but am still afraid.

A fragile glass swan I bought when I was seven.

you, too, are broken
like me, like a wounded tree;
nothing could save you.

I am not gardening.
Nor writing poetry.
Do it yourselves.

Daddy, you are the man who plays
destiny loudly though fails so badly.
That man doesn't improve at all, don't you agree?
But, daddy, no one hates a bad performer.
One just does not want to watch them any longer.

Daddy, destiny is
a game over.
And losing something is nothing
until it's you who keep it very dearly who soon become the one who makes it evaporated.
Daddy, daddy, destiny is
I fall apart and you might too,
or we both do.

Either way would hurt.
But I know which is the more hurtful way.
Either way may end the same.
But I know which is the prettier way. The way that is full of rainbows and clear waterfalls and lakes with bunch of lotuses.
I know how to fall apart more gracely, daddy, way more beautifully.

I know you have the chance to see it. You have what I don't.

And, daddy, do you know that love
doesn't exist,
never?
I know you do.