when the throat is dry
it goes all the way to the brain
and when it shrinks it disrupts
the skull and the muscles
so i'd rather have my neck
cut off, my head plucked off

but why do i feel like
my guts will come off too?
probably for the better
if it's physically empty
we don't have to worry what to fill it with
(grapes and white bread
doesn't fill as good)

i should probably sleep
in my sleep chopping my hair off
sorry
if all i think about is sharp objects
i don't know, perhaps
i'm just worried
the scars won't fade

(missing)
even the best memories fade
what is this, birthmark?
i want to get my heart done
please, make it stop

I went missing; there's a
Forest in my head
Wandering through
River, sand, mountain
I see you once in a while

i keep coming back to the hospital
the red beam on my skin
cold hands, everywhere is clean
and i am not sick. not anymore
not ever again

a white ray of light is carrying me
the road leads an empty flesh
the road swallows whatever's inside
i've become hollow even before- and now
i creak open
trying to stuff myself with what doesn't belong

this is a house. this, a hospital
i didn't pay my rent, so i came from the back
i keep coming back to the hospital
my feet, my head, my soul
only the heartbeat is steady. like the earth

that is the sun. that, what shouldn't burn

nurture me, nurses. smile at me like ever
gently feel the fabric of my clothes, doctor
tell me to eat. tell me to rest
tell me to do everything i shouldn't do

isn't that so naughty? to eat? to rest?
i wonder
i keep
i keep wanting to

this, a forever. this is the hallway

I've stopped being beautiful quite a long time ago. Mirrors and selfies do not tell the truth; I actually like what I see. Little did I know the ugliness reeks from the blind spots and I shamelessly think it's the world who's at fault.

Forgive me, daughter, for I have sinned.

All I want to hear is an apology. I lift my chin and walk past the mother, idle as a bystander. I am a child bird, my beak is tired from breaking the shell. I wish I didn't have these wings. The nest is uncomfortable, I just want to touch the ground.

I have two feet. One thigh.

Ocean is my ancient dream. But all I got to taste was cold aloe vera. Hint of sweetness, eternal like a dentist's craft. I can't feel pain, so it must be joy, but why am I crying?

We got tired of the cries, the tears, the traces. It's boring, just like an authoritarian news. I don't think there's more to it. What you see is what you get.

I hide everything I can. I mask what I can't. That way, I'm never left with nothing. I hope so. I am so hopeful. I must be cured.

I fill my water bottle with starlight, but when it touches my mouth it takes away the wetness. My lips crack and I can no longer talk. I nod at the earth, and she empathizes.

A thing I can never do. My fingers still long for the colorful helium balloons. How many of it to make me float? I want to explode right on my peak. Cry for me, strangers. I want to hurt you in ways I've never imagined before.

this is not my ancient dream
i don't wanna be ok, momma
stray me in space, scatter me like stars
forget me
write me in an astronomy book
forget me
call me by a number
and it's never one, or two, or three

the only way i smell is like curry roux
it's past midnight and i want to go
home
it's never a place i can reach
not by foot, not by plane
i've run out of things to say
so i'll do it so i can speak louder

forget me
define me by homesickness
i fit in a box named silence
sometimes i think i'm a rabbit
white fur, red eyes
sometimes active, sometimes dead
either time the life isn't mine

it's easy to reach out for help
and there are open hands
hanging from the sky
powerless, full of themselves
not much space for me, never

i count them by color, they are all red

guilt-trip myself, that's what i do
when i have spare time

instead i make origami cranes
pink and blue for the babies
green, for the envy
red for the heart

and i fill blank pages with emptiness
stainless ink, just like my feet
i try not to be shameful
and stay quiet like a spider

these silvers are rotting
when we eat we chew our own hands
gulping down everything
that has touched the palms

once was warm
twice stayed forever
everytime i look back i shiver
figuratively, because i have no body

there are things you do not own
but, still, you hold them dear

i can feel the pain this body is having
can it feel mine?
sometimes i wonder when we'll be able to rest
laying on the wet grass, giggling with the crickets
let the rain feel us as we break into a field of wildflowers

I keep thinking i haven't washed my hair
My head seems to not be able to forget the grease
Maybe deep down i just want it to stay
(I washed my hair this morning
In the sink)

I keep thinking i'm doing great
That's what my therapist said too
But sometimes i wish i was dying more visibly
Sometimes i wish i made more signs
Sometimes i wish i hadn't gotten better

I don't want to stop
I want to want to stop
I don't want to stop

What?
I got nothing to show you
I got none to tell you

Remission is a weird state
Everything partial makes me uncomfortable
I just want to cling to whatever i had
Don't ****** away my ghosts
Don't ****** away
They come back anyway
Befriending me again