I hold my breath
I stop my heart
I make it all up

I am lazy, not sick
I've never been in an emergency
I make it all up

I derive it all from the media
All the things I've read and watched
Huge inspiration

I try dark, it is cool
I try blade, it is sharp
So hip, I am not insane

I am bad at driving, not reckless
Some nights I try to be good and stay
Inside a plastic bag, pills down with soda

when i look at my profile picture on social media

i know what ugly
looks like, at least better than
this disgusting face

that's why i never use my own face for more than 2 days

it isn't my fault
that i am repulsed by my
own body and mind

what else do you expect?

i am a sinner;
this is how i should be, how
i atone my crimes

i have an appearance matching my very soul**

it is written all
over my skin, ev'ry sin
and condemnation

The heat is trying to leave me
I feel so cold
And helpless

Will you leave me too?
If I say I need you
And I want to be with you
Will you cut me off?

I don't know how strong
I can be
To step beyond the boundaries

I don't know how real
This dream is
Or is this a nightmare?
Whatever, just don't wake me up
If this can't be real

Will you push me away?
I wanted to tell you
If I could just be
With you even just for a day
I'd be okay

******* mom
stop tryna reach me
I'm not talking to ya
I'm not answering
whoever calls
from home
*******
family, each of you knows
just tell 'em the truth
we're falling apart
& it's my fault
or if it hasn't been, it will be
******* mom
I'm not returning any call
'cause if you hear my voice
you'll understand
we were once best company
now strangers in a convenience store

iv.

i've seen the sky & it isn't blue
i've touched the sun & it doesn't burn
i've tried to taste the space, all those planets and stars
but the night falls upon your lap
asleep to your thighs that are lullabies

when it's dark i can light a
candle & drink the wax
with the can of my first beer,
how stupid didn't i realize
it was your mouth all along.

when it's night i can wish
upon a shooting star & bury the
remaining flame in
my neck, like how you
did with your breath.

let me hold your hands, taste your lips
one last time. press your body
against mine, one last time.
dig me like a child
even if it hurts, or feels gross.

am i too heavy, am i trying to
pole dance on a mcdonald's straw?
i shouldn't have gone away
even if you'd told me to,
i should've clung to you oh

even more, even more.

i'm terrib
ly sorr
y. i only hang out w
ith you
so i would be to
o drained to do
anyth
ing *"s
ill
y"