i. Angel

I have stomachache
like the roof of your mouth in
nights where stars are bright

"Forefingers are small,
don't you worry about it,"
she says to an ant.

My legs will soon rot
before i've time to bury
them in the backyard

Talking about trash and vomitting i am staring at the ceiling with my dry mouth open
I slept at three and woke up at eleven
It was a sunny morning my roommate left at seven she left the curtain open and why did not she let the window break sometimes i think of jumping but standing on height makes me want to fall to bed and hide under the blanket
I don't want to bathe and eat breakfast but i kept snacking and i wish i were that sweet tooth i haven't washed the dishes and ****** and i am thinking of
Being in a plane
Heat struck and breaking the window the wind the clouds the pressure
I don't know if i am still afraid of heights
I have never been that high enough anyway like i am on the second floor it's never high enough i think of the high buildings in the capital city but i just love her too much
I will not
I will not
I will not let them read me in newspapers
I still think about methods to die but it does not make sense anymore like i want to have bullets on my head like jesus' crown but i don't want the cold thing in my mouth i don't want my head to be a blood fountain out of the blue
I am too drained even to think of running and jumping off a cliff like it's actually dumb and not pretty and i hear that we have so much to live
We have so much to live
I didn't have my breakfast
I am too okay to think this laziness as depression i cannot blame my brain it is too okay it is too okay i am too okay i shouldn't complain
Too much
Too much i complain too much

You grow flowers out of your corpse but all i want to be is to decay into plastic and harm the earth and it's true that such a sad world we live in
I am getting you back here
Sonja i am getting you back here

You are still me
You are still me
You are still me

Welcome home

The night breeze is a
fever taking over your
soul drenched in sweat

She left the window
open went to shower at
three before midday

I hope she would catch
cold but i will say kind words
and feed her in bed

She left the window
open at three a.m. i
was trying to sleep

She is brushing her
teeth my knees hurt i think i'll
lose my legs as well

I will not, i will not, i will not
Have these hands ever again
Feel the things against my skin
Touch you, touch myself
And the trees when you walk me home
Hungry cats we see and teachers' palms

I will not, i will not
Know a thing about hot and cold
When the cramps come, i have lost comfort
Sweaty palms and tide heart rate
Stomachache, ache and ache all the way
My chest dropped-
I dropped my chest like my phone

I will not
Tremble ever again

charmless
and the fingers you used to glorify
god
the girl too pure she has nothing to do with sin-
you keep your ****** tight
****** of a moth
it rained light
senseless
and the poets who wear bright yellow coats
exploited
her head hurts when she reads the papers
'don't make me black and white'
****** of a toad
tires and holey road
bricks and cinnamon
****** mocha (a coffee shop)
frightless
a battlefield so full of itself
grand humiliation of oneself
hundreds of bravas, bunch of roses-
venomous thorns
powerless