Fill my heart
with white daisies
And I know
the sunlight
will heal me
Just like the pouring rain
who cried for
the tears I couldn't let out

I will grow jasmines
and white frangipanis
in front of my window
And I will talk to the ghosts
And they will tell me
what I see when I am
asleep ---

Fill my heart with white lilies
So in the nights when
I can't bear
moonlight
I know
what lets it is just my sun
And I will mend
And I know
morning will come
soon

To the rain my heart falls
The clouds envelop
Tranquil breathless scene
Atmosphere diving
As darkness shines calmly
Shimmering reality ---

To the moon my eyes flee
Another escapist's window
Open wide as polluted sea

Rained eden, godless
Purified sins
O dear sarasvati --
All that flows
Music, river, soul --
To the depth my ears are released
Burst of peace
Haven's jingle

Sweet wrinkles
Traces of smile

Whispering sun
--- *Now,

feel.

The pink of the cotton
failed to hide
the tip of my baby breast

It would be a lie
if I repeat
what Sylvia said

I have never been so pure

O, the wall of my nostrils
reeks of *****
Face-washing
has never felt
so pure
The hot bath
***** no ice
Ouija board and
the lost breath
They all are
yours
To keep
my psyche
shut.

I have never been so pure.

Thirty and the
sun
are what I
secretly
desire. In
my dawn
I lose my mind.
In
my dawn
I come running
to the
runaway rain
but she
desires
another. The gulp of
her
revenge --- ice-cold
scorch
of the throat.
I sip you, my
love --
I sip you so
much I
be the clouds
where God
hides their
tip of
their baby
breast.

God has
never been so
pure.

We come running
to the
crack.
We come running
as
she keeps desiring
another.
My clear
mirror has
stopped
telling the
future I
did use to
know. O, cursed
bathroom
stall;
my mirror
falls
yet it won't
shatter.

I will never be so pure

Mama do not find us
Do we have to beg?
We won't be found
We won't come back

River often cries
For all the unheard lies
Before the trees realize
Lie is lie no matter what size

O our shoes speak nonsense
The twelve swans you buried then
Now have come back to life
But no Mama we won't

No Mama we won't be home
For so long, so long it has no end
Mama now you can be strong
We have to go on our own

Mama don't get us wrong
We have to go on our own
We won't come back
We won't be home

For so long, so long it doesn't end
Just don't forget we won't be home
Just don't regret you have that womb
Mama now you can be strong

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Come near, come near
Tell us what you do fear

Little Eli wonders
If he should fear
What the fear fears

But he does not know yet
What the fear fears
The fear has not appeared

Little Eli wonders
If the fear did not hear
The fear would not come near!

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Please hear, please hear
Let yourself appear*

Little Eli wonders
What the fear fears
So it won't even hear

viii.

I first really learned that
Promises are meant to be broken
When I was fifteen.
Maybe that's too late.
Maybe that's too lame.
It was a doctor,
Or not anymore. I think he was one of
Those malpractioners,
I think he told us
He used this supernatural blah blah.
I don't know how
He did get to our house,
Sitting so comfortably
And drinking the offered tea.
Actually I don't remember what
He was drinking.
I just remember that he
Looked like typical
Male dentist here. With short hair
And white glasses and tight clothes.
Oh I think I just made it
Up. Memories are not
For the bad. Though
His eyes were not
Lovely at all. They were
Intimidating. They did not
Shine at all. Those eyes stared
At mine. I think his voice
Sounded like a drunk's. The
Question he asked, just answer
Honestly, don't be afraid, he said
He would not tell my dad.
Doubt was out. I could not
Lie. I learned that one later.
So soon, soon after.

I was fifteen. Not that young
To be able to sense
Danger. I am not
Exaggerating. My mind was
A treasure and still is.
Not that you'd be rich
With it. But I really don't have
Anything
Else.
I think the questions he asked
Were simple. But there was this
One **** he said
I did not need to worry about;
That I could trust him
That he would not tell
Anyone. You know,
Adults were not scary.
They are.

I know this might not
Be the question that
Makes you hesitate in
Front of the person you trust.
But my mind was a treasure
And still is. I don't
Have anything
Else.

"If you feel troubled, whom
Would you tell about that?"

The answer was actually
I would not tell at all. But
My treasure
Could not be discovered.
I could not lie but I had to.
I stayed silent
For a moment. He kept
Saying I could trust him.
So I did.
My brother, I answered.
That was the truest
I could say. And it was
True. I did tell
My brother this and that,
Though my treasure
Was always safely kept.
I think. I think then
They discovered that I had
That but apparently they were
Not interested in my
Treasure-play. I doubt
They even understand
At all.

He said to dad
That dad needed to
Deepen the parent-child bond.
He said to dad
That I should not
Trust my brother more.
He said to dad
That there must be
Something wrong
With me
And this family.
He said to dad
All the things
He'd said to me
He would not.

I don't understand
How my dad could still
Wish me to be a doctor
After that.

Your belt does not touch my skin
but it does wound my mind.
That sound and I look like still;
deep down I am shivering.
We live in a land of fear.
You are used to it
but I never would be.
I want to be free.
Starting from this home
I call as house.

What I thought was warmth
is actually heat. My iron soul
is melted. Let me be free.
For me hell is frosty.
I never said heaven is the
opposite.
I don't believe in life.
It's all just bad jokes,
if you are wondering why
I laugh so much
yet they look like forced.