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Aug 2016 · 777
Ripped
Ryan Aug 2016
A man tore himself apart
It was just the other day
Limb to limb, bit to bit
****** pulp, sinew askew
And now he sits and wonders
Was he always in such discord?
Or was this a fabrication
A fabrication of the mind
Or of the absence of a mind
Self diagnosed insanity
A man who had reached an end
A break, a crack, in his psyche
Exhausted every nodule of sense
Along the highway of consciousness
But how has it come to this?
What was it that sent him into madness?
Was there an actual affliction?
Or did he see his reflection?
He took his manifestation of monotony
Blew it to pieces with a shotgun blast
Picking out buckshot with broken fingers
Each pellet another unanswered question
How many times can a man crush himself
Before he's pressed too thin?
How many times can his world be flipped
Before he knows which way is up?
How many deaths must he endure
Before he feels alive again?
But he can no longer take action
After all these mindless meltdowns
He lays on the forest floor, motionless
Becoming one with the earth
Buried in leaves and branches decaying
The dirt below him is cold and wet
Insects crawling and colonizing
Marching through his rotting flesh
And it all feels romantic and beautiful
Sunlight and serenity fall upon him
Feeling nothing and everything
And then nothing again.
Ryan Jul 2016
"With a overwhelming sigh of relief.
Everyone together, all at once.
Deafening, like the voice of God.
And then nothing.
That's how.
You?"
Jun 2016 · 663
Los Angeles Love Story
Ryan Jun 2016
Take my hand and drag me away from here
Down the alleys, past the trash
Up the steps of lovers hearts trampled
Where we'll sit and drink wine with the city resting at our feet
And you'll braid my hair and I'll try hard not to fall in love
But the stars in my glass hold a different fate
And your tender heart makes me want to speak into your lips
And in my head I play a thousand scenes, of what should and should not be
And I'm tearing from this earth, swept into the night's sky
By God herself, plucking me up by my lapel
To scold me and console me, to **** and indulge me
And I cry into her soft hands "why must I be cursed so well,
A fairytale ailment, a poet beguiled?" And she sweetly replied
"No soul is cursed, a man just has his fair share of trials"
And she placed me gently on the hillside for the uphill strife
Where I'll fall short of expectation and desire
And you'll carry me off again to end this insufferable pleasure
Your hand ******* my jacket, mine soft on your back
And in the middle of the street, I try and stop you under a light
Because in this moment's time I want to make you mine
I want to pull you in and hold tight, like a sailor after some forgotten war,
Clutching his lady in white, the square and world falling at their side
And I feel myself preparing to lose my virginity of divinity
I tense and relax, heart beating well outside my chest,
Ready to relinquish all inhibitions into your cool, calm, collect
But you march on, you strange little creature, resisting my surrender
Maybe I'm still too high to comprehend any of this
But the trade of allurement for retreat has replaced my excitement with stress
We talk of never speaking again but I can't help lying to your face
I never want this night to end, I want to push it as far as I can
Explore every possibility, because you instill an invincible feeling in me
Strengthen my desire for a life of unpredictability and whim
You are poetry in motion, a masterpiece ever evolving, excitement in the flesh
I want to place my will in your persuasion, adopt your sense of wild ambition
Stand with you at the foot of the monolith of this world's wonder
Maybe we're just born in the wrong point in history, unfortunately,
Two classics falling deaf on the modern assembly
And they curse us for not adhering to their numbing prescriptions of life
But alas, here we are, out of line, out of time
It all seems right, for any existence that allows our paths to cross
A blessing to my being, the epitome of freeing
Just stay with me for a moment longer and I promise I'll keep your heart beating.
Jun 2016 · 479
Her Divinity Intangible
Ryan Jun 2016
Heartwrenched, abominable,
a tear in the fabric of self.
The tapestry stained, bloodied
with emotions I did not ask for
but you have provided.

Oh great goddess, beauty divine,
why have you forsaken me?
Parting the heavens after your storm
to cast down a ray of temptation,
a cloud of splendid serenity
to rest and rise up upon into your paradise.

Ah, the sight of you conjures feelings of salvation,
a relinquishing of one's self into the other.
A soul, an essence, a being
that I have become entranced by.
An insatiable hunger to consume
every thought, no matter how trivial,
for it is a realm I thought too foreign
to exist outside my own self.

Enraptured, I hang on to every breath you speak.
Like an endless supply of enlightenment,
a serene brook of beauty flows from your lips.
And I recite a prayer under my breath,
whispering to the cosmos, that a mortal man like I
can capture your attention even for a moment,
for I can spend a lifetime in that single second.

And by some miracle it came true!
Granted a chance to court Aphrodite herself.
But now I am burdened, my dear
by your receiving of my existence,
for I know I am not worthy of your grace.
And my glimpse into your beautiful tenderness
has rendered me hopeless.

Mourning my own incompetence,
my inability to offer you something more.
Burying short lived dreams of perfection.
Everything I have wished for and more
in my grasp yet so far away.

You personify the bloom of life in all its beauty.
And I, the epitome of a withering fool,
with hands too rough to hold you near,
shall only sing my song to you
for its all I have to give.
Ryan Jun 2016
Desire has a nuanced way
Of rearing its ugly head
Disguised in a pretty red wig
A cinnamon girl, a wild mare
Racing a hot summers night
And I, a king of trash, lost
Deep in the ocean of vulnerability
That glimmers behind your eyes
Sinking, swimming, submerged
It's hard to stay afloat
When you're ten feet above water
And you can't breathe
When your lungs are full of lust
But maybe just for tonight
Among the places we've drank
The cars taking us here to there
The cigarettes, tequila, and drugs
The warming sensations
The stupid decisions
The too close conversations
A longing gaze, a hand on thigh
Your beauty closes in on mine
And our lips would touch
Igniting a flame, burning me
Embers to ashes, dust to pain
For we'd only exist this night
A memory in the making
A heart of broken shame
A possibility too perfect
The product of fantasy
Something I'd wish for
But never come to fruition
Intuition screaming at me
Don't kiss the girl
Leave before you **** yourself up

And in comes the reaper
Here to collect my debt
Of too much ingested
I feel sick, losing control
Get me the hell out of here
I want to go home.
Apr 2016 · 402
Untitled
Ryan Apr 2016
Singing and swinging
There is no in between
Just a ****** feeling
Just a lifeless shell
So throw me in the water
Make sure it's deep
You won't hear my cries
You won't have to help
Singing and swinging
There's no in between
Bubbles rising to the surface
The ground staring at my feet
Mar 2015 · 875
Burden
Ryan Mar 2015
What is it that makes me
An absolute burden to you?
Not just you
All of you
Tell me what it is
Because it's eating me alive.

Is it my inability embrace reality?
Or my absence of mental stability?
My lack of sound decision making
Paired with all the drugs I'm taking?
It can't be my appreciation
For the ******* lives you're faking.

What a complete joke it is

To feel so unwanted
By everyone you hold in high praise
It's laughable how much it hurts
How deep these wounds go
How out of place I feel
In my many homes
I just need to get away
To give you all a break.

I'm rain on your pity parade
Tone deaf to your serenade
Engulfed by anxiety
Feeling inadequate
Presently unpleasant
Doomed to forever be
The awkward teenager
Trying to fit in
The afterthought
The whatshisface
The nevermind

But still I'll follow you around
The pathetic puppy dog
Nipping at your feet
Begging for attention
But no bone gets thrown my way
No attaboys, no morsels or scraps
Not even crumbs of mild amusement
Just your spit in the dirt
At the mention of my name

It's just something
I don't understand
Well whatever it is
I swear I'll change
Feb 2015 · 702
fucked
Ryan Feb 2015
I'm trying, I really am
But this undiagnosed disease
It has weighed down
For far too long
Crushed
Gasping for breath
Suffocating
I can't hold your hand
Around my throat
For much longer
**** me or kiss me
Because I can't keep living
On this borrowed time
This facade of being fine
Is crumbling at its core
I'll string myself up
Just to stay on two feet
Like a paper hearted Pinocchio
Lying for the first time
Like it was the last time
A tainted ****** too proud
To eat his own words
A familiar taste, regurgitate
**** this palate accustomed
To that pretty face.
Jan 2015 · 619
surrender
Ryan Jan 2015
alright, i give up
shoot me where i stand
you caught me red handed
trying to regain some familiarity
trying to steal back your attention
a fool's attempt at redemption
i have no motive, no secret plan
any premeditation would have
never let this ever happen
but here i am, staring at the ground
avoiding all eye contact, ashamed
filled with regret to ever see your face
to see you smiling at me, it drives me insane
i don't deserve this kindness from you
i want disgust and scorn
make me feel vile for all my actions
it would help me sleep at night
relief like a shotgun kiss goodnight
a culling lullaby to ease my mind
and the dreams, oh those ******* dreams
the haunting and subconscious wanting
where i can go anywhere in the world
and yet i drearily meander close to you
so forgive me for my crashing on your moon
i promise that i'll leave here soon
consider this my complete surrender
of a weary broken necked lover
in a letter post marked return to sender
this was left as a draft for specific reasons but now i'm sad and feel it needs to be published?
Jan 2015 · 473
Lost
Ryan Jan 2015
What is this I'm experiencing?
Is this a beast I cannot tame?
Am I not the boy so brave?
All these nights spent far too late,
They have sent me spiraling
Into a madness I welcome humbly.
Teeth clenched, I delve recklessly
Into an endless familiar unknown.
I stare longingly into the abyss,
Searching, scanning, endlessly.
Uncovering the unrecoverable, revealing
That the abyss is me.
Ryan Jan 2015
I've gone and done a bad thing
and I've opened up to you
I sit here without armor
underneath this lonely moon
I watch the stars, they flicker
as if they're dying in the night
My eyes fill with cigarette smoke,
it's clouding up my sight
Or maybe it's the tears
of a truly broken heart
I don't want to hear your response,
please don't go playing your part
If I was looking for some answers
or a flag of truce to wave
I would have asked quite desperately,
I would have pled the same
It was just expression of my current state,
the horror which I bare
The inflicted pain I've called upon,
the embarrassment I share
So please be kind and let me be,
this broken man to heal
Regardless of my loneliness
this stubbornness is real
Just let me call out my repentance
until the blood falls from my knees
I'll express this inner anguish
then I promise I'll let you be
For we both know this game at hand
is the most dangerous and vile
It's sure to end in bloodshed
and broken limbs of denial
So I'll remain here under lunar light
and wait for midnight's freeze
Let the coldness become my body
and put my heart at ease
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
gardens.
Ryan Jan 2015
purple mountains crash the land
up, erupting, breaking through
in all their violent violet majesty
so i feel breaking into you
a release of unfathomable force
the kinetic energy of earth built up
stored for a break in the surface
a hairline fracture of the psyche
the downfall of a fallen fool

you led me through your garden
your hand held soft in mine
like a delicate budding of a rose
more beautiful than our surroundings
more natural than the earth we trod
amidst a scenic world of strange beauty
and i only want to look into your eyes
to get lost among their winding paths
waiting for you to find me, wandering
Dec 2014 · 545
Relapse
Ryan Dec 2014
I'm not weak.
I'm not weak.
I'm not weak.
I might be a little bit weak.
No, don't.
****.
Dec 2014 · 544
Staged
Ryan Dec 2014
Pure exhaustion
Coupled with mental anguish
Living in a haze day to day
Comprehension of routine
Has walked right out the door
Sparks of consciousness
Becoming far and few lately
Morning, night, day bleed into one
A pulsating maggot of time & space
Sense of self becomes abstract
An arbitrary composition of pieces
Rotting flesh randomly arranged
To create a mindless marionette
Performing through a dull screenplay
On this decaying stage of life
Waiting for a curtain call
A grandiose standing ovation
From fellow lobotomized puppets
Who will weep at this tragedy
And laugh at the irony
Simply because it's all part of the act
The paradox of universe
Acted out daily on a grand scale
Billions of actors with no director
Each individual at center stage
Giving the performance of a lifetime
A sad endeavor of recognition
Dramatics as schematic
Systematic
Death.
Blah
Ryan Dec 2014
it's true that all the women you knew
were more than you could ever know and it seems
they never cease to surprise you
i know that kind of girl
its hard to grasp the idea of she
who is looking for nothing more than pure pleasure
who is looking for nothing more than ****** favors

so i grabbed up all my precious things and set out
to meet this vicious queen with hopes
of love and *** and drugs and laughter
but as you should know my hopes were high
and with their faults i set myself up
for a pure and sure tragic disaster
i was just some fool trying to find some comfort
i was a ******* fool out looking for some comfort

so i met up with the queen divine
and at her palace i did find
some of the things that i was sure to cure my illness
and pulling from my pocket
a collection of narcotic aides, i said:
we might as well be ****** up, my fellow stranger
we're all a little ****** up, my precious stranger

so we opened my bottled offering
of liquid gold and began to drink
a cheers to all night's planned adventures
as my senses they began to dull
my lust for her began to swell
and hers for me was burning bright and vivid
two twisted souls reaching out to feel one another
yes two twisted souls desperate to feel the other

so we made out for a round or two
an exploration of the other's mouth
a new land for each to ****, pillage and plunder
interjected by **** here and there
an intermission conversely shared
talk was cheap, but my body was surely cheaper
something to be used up by a stranger
a torrid holy land for another stranger

the tension it was unbearable
for ****** games unmentionable
to twist and writhe with misplaced passion
two bodies bare in ecstasy
becoming one through misanthropy
a battle scene grand for ages and ages
she cut me deep with intimate relentless
yes she struck me deep, she was relentless

so i felt her body close to mine
and worshiped it as if some shrine
a true testament of flawless perfection
and with my sword so righteously
i pierced her shrine so godlessly
i was fallen priest and her body was my alter
and when she came i felt the strangeness falter
when we came all the strangeness faltered

we laid upon the war torn sheets
to experience that awkward feat
of replacing loneliness with ****** conviction
i fell asleep in her naked breast
a solider starved for tender rest
i was relieved of all my woes and endless sadness
and i found it at this dear strangers address
so i spent the night in the comfort of her prowess

until we woke to say goodbyes
and possibly share one more surprise
of additional intimate relations
i was sad to go but couldn't stay
for fear of love to show its face
a mutually agreed upon resistance
no we would not let our lonely hearts misconstrue this
no we could not let our raw hearts go through this

so i'll lend you my last offering
of knowledge to pain and suffering
you'll find a place to bury your sickness
you'd be surprised what comes around
when you sell your soul underground
you'll be a poster child for unashamed *** and danger
yes you will find your solace within some stranger
so don't be afraid to find it, fellow stranger
This is structured after a song by Leonard Cohen. Written a month or so ago. Didn't have the nerve to post it.
Dec 2014 · 552
4a.m.used
Ryan Dec 2014
The leaves are rustling
And the trees are bustling
And the rain is falling
Yet here I am thinking of you
Dreaming of something tender
A moment of sweet surrender
Where I offer myself completely
To your every strange desire
Soft skin, pale with lust
Tainted hearts clogged with rust
Lace draped across the nape
Of your delicate neck perfectly
The sight of you makes me weak

Acts deemed depraved I find
Beautiful through your passion
It strikes me down to nothing
It cuts me deep, left bleeding
Pouring out with boyish humility
A bashfulness unmeasured before
But unrelenting I indulge fearlessly
For what have I got to lose
I am already destroyed and broken
By simply being in your presence
Wounded by your unapologetic allure
A pathetic puppy dog whimpering
For your attention and love

Strike dear mistress, do your worst
Use me up and throw me away
A fate I'd serve obediently, endlessly
Your slave to order around
To worship you at your high heeled foot
Exposed, waiting to be dominated
Dying to be wasted off your scorn
Intoxicated by your perfect body
Delirious, drugged, begging for more
Let me overdose on your sensuality
A fine death by me, a perfect end
Without hesitation I'll die right here
Your body my tomb, I'll reside forever.
You didn't ask to be written about,
I didn't ask to be enthralled by you.
Dec 2014 · 419
Other world
Ryan Dec 2014
Hard to understand
This existance somewhere
In someone else's world
Feelings of inadequacy
Fear of failing to meet expectations
Unfathomable anxiety
Purposefully stumbling upon
A strange presence hidden
In plain sight of the world
Unsure of how to feel
Mental processes shut down
Error messages flashing
Does not compute
Eject, disconnect, run away
Run to, run towards
Go find out for yourself
Is it too strange to contemplate?
To let two separate worlds collide
What's the worst that can happen
Besides complete destruction
I just don't want to let you down
I don't want to crumble
I don't want to be some joke
We all exist on different planes
Alternate dimensions
I want to tear them away
I want unity, a tangible timeline
Just let me piece it together,
Let me build something new
Dec 2014 · 1.2k
Dad dayz
Ryan Dec 2014
Normal dad stuff
That I've learned to do
I'd probably make a pretty cool dad
I could fix a thing or two
Dec 2014 · 307
Untitled
Ryan Dec 2014
I'm a man of many labors.
A God amongst many saviors.
But here I am, weak and broken for you.
Dec 2014 · 521
strange
Ryan Dec 2014
how does this work?
to be so committed
on such short notice,
to be so invested
without any precursor,
and be unfathomably useless
from your paralyzing beauty
ain't it strange, dear?

i don't mind this gap between my ears
these anxieties or the irrational fears
this broken heart, these wasted years
they fall to the wayside to having you near
yeah that's a stupid thing to want
an incoherent request
i'll admit it over and over again
but i can't deny how strange it is

had i met you a day before
with just enough time
i could have convinced you otherwise
to stay here and reside as mine
or i could be yours,
to take wherever you went
but there i go again
a strange request for someone i just met

but here i am maybe a week later
oh god it's so hard to admit
landlocked, staring at my phone
weak and pitiful, and at your will
waiting to be unignored
for a sign of hope or something more
but take this as a warning sign
i'm a strange one, dear, there's no denying

as fast as i barged into your life
and as fast as you did mine
you can sweep me out
like the piece of trash i am
gone, gone, erased away
off to bug you another day
but when all is said, when all is done
i'll ask you, dear- was it strange? or was it fun?
i'm a dumb idiot
Nov 2014 · 480
Winds of unchange
Ryan Nov 2014
I just wish the wind
Would ******* away
Take my brittle bones
And break them with ease
And I would blow through the trees
Carry on with the breeze
To a distant place, a place that
I could forget you and me
But I'm far too heavy
Far too weighed down
By the heavy load of the absence of your love
The burden of you gone to not return
As much as I try to free myself of you
You return in dreams like the passing of the leaves
Tumbling by with the wind
As fast here as quick you were gone
But you haven't left, my dear
Oh you have not moved on
From my billowing thoughts
Of what could have been
And I'll pretend to keep my head in the clouds
Despite being buried up to my neck in woes
Dreaming of a day that I'll be light enough to be carried away
By this wind so strong today
Aug 2014 · 363
Untitled
Ryan Aug 2014
Jesus Christ, I'm all alone
Nothing but pain dwells
Swelling inside, a bubble of hate
Contempt for so called friends
So called lovers, abandoned
Sharing an empty room
With this bottle of botanicals
Sure to quiet this madness
Or soothe this nagging sadness
Or maybe just intensify it all
Oh well, who cares
Nobody

Well it seems to me that
Things aren't all that bad for you
Except for your fear of being alone
Fear of doing absolutely nothing
Something I once took solace in
That you've turned into torture
Supposedly a cure for myself
Robbed me of all normalcy
Crucified me for none to see
Hanging there
Alone
Aug 2014 · 549
In case of emergency
Ryan Aug 2014
A box of broken glass
Filled to the very top
Fragments of a broken heart
Shattered memories
Sharp feelings of hopelessness
Emotional shrapnel
Filled to the top
of a box that reads
"Break in case of emergency"

****** fingertips smearing red
As I dig and dig and dig
Desperately trying to find
Something leftover
Something forgotten
Something soft & warm
Just one last thing to hold onto
Anything to quiet this mind
Bottom of the box, still no luck.

Left alone to lick my wounds
Pluck out each small piece of glass
Stitch every gaping ****
Bandage over ****** bandage
I sit there to heal
Next to the place
Where I've smashed all these things
And placed them in a box that reads
"Break in case of emergency"

— The End —