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 Jun 2015 Onus
Kida Price
I guess I've been building up to this rant for awhile. It being too big to write on the fly and I thinking not everyone will share my world/life views, this is being prewritten before being posted. If I even do post it. Now, the purpose of this rant. There are those who say I don't do it enough. Others don't really know me well enough to find that I should. I've been toying around with a lot of life thoughts in my head. Some sounds like excuses for choices I've made and maybe they are. However, everyone has excuses even when they say they have none. Excuses for good and for bad. It varies from religious views to personal relationships. I lack the intelligence of higher learning, so I admit, I do not claim to know everything. I only know my point of view. And I've had it for awhile and it's the only thing I know for a surety about myself. This is written to neither offend or berate those around me. Instead, to give those a better idea of the person I am.

1- religious beliefs: just to get this out of the way first, I'm spiritual but not religious. It's an over used phrase. Not really agnostic because in a small way everyone is. No one knows what exists for a fact. They have their gathered experiences and ideals to come to the conclusion that's seems reasonable enough to guide their lives by. And even when they have those beliefs, no one follows to the letter of it. And that's ok. We are a world of imperfections. From what I've gathered from theology, through out my life, the main 2 things that everything has in common is to
              1-be a good person
              2- be a good person to others.

IF God fails to exist, then that means I am the master of my own life, experience, moral compass, actions towards myself and others. Brought up in a religious house, this was obviously called free will. And I've been painfully aware of it's reality since childhood. Not by my free will but of others. IF God fails to exist, then that means we either choose to live for ourselves or live in the service of others. And the conflict between selfishness and selflessness of those who do express religious beliefs always confused me. I've stopped questioning the place it has in my life because the things I question do not come with answers, only positive and negative influences that I have been taught throughout my life. I, myself, am selfish but I try to live selflessly in order to strive to be a good person in my mind. This brings about drama but joy as well. I see it as a way of being whole spiritually. Light and dark must coexist in order for all thoughts to take root into actions. Without light, anyone trapped in the dark will not be able to fathom joy, love, compassion....basically empathy. The dark holds only the opposite. Yet, without the dark, anyone living wholly in the light will seem too naive to trials and being able to truly understand how hard it is to find a glint of light in a pitch black situation. And, if no one is aware of themselves, they will most likely choose one or the other. Never both. I strive to encourage the light and face the dark. As a spiritual person, I'm grateful. I have moments where the trials of my own life and that of others tend to lead me down to the dark corners in my head but knowing the light I have a chance of weathering it the best way I can without being consumed by it. Those who have done this know it's never an easy feat. I believe that I must be all things in order to be whole. Good, bad, happy, sad...if I lack but one thing because I feel that it serves no purpose, then I feel I would have cheated being myself.

2- Love: like faith, this is simply an emotion of perception. No one idea of love is the same. And everyone holds love in different regards with different people. Some believe that once you find love in one person, that should be shared with that person alone. Monogamy, friendships, family. All creatures of a constructed idea that loyalty is the root of love. And as beautiful and trying that is, I cannot believe this is so. I believe love to be a necessary virus. That we are born with it to spread to those who need it. To those who crave it. To those who have yet used their own idea of love and desperately crave someone else to show them the description. Not just sexually but unconditionally. And this creates conflict of the soul. Especially when we force our minds and suppress our hearts to show that love on one singular facet. To love is to lose oneself completely in the possibility that it's vast and it's easy to get lost in. Moments of infidelity. Moments of torn emotional turmoil plays it's toll. Picking who to love and why you love them and what you would do for that person because you love them is insanity. But we all crave it. I believe that love is made to validate war or at least calm the tremors that it brings about. It's a chemical balance of things we've subjected ourselves to feel through habit and example. We create the brand of love that we give others and we seek that brand in hopes that other have the same or at least similar brand so we can feel the comfort of home with someone else. The feeling of safety, the feeling of rest, the feeling of realness, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of truth, the feeling of comfort, the feeling of life and the feeling of fighting when love is deemed worthy of fighting for. This is my brand. I give it freely with the price that I will be questioned in where my love truly lies. It's scattered about freely like breadcrumbs. And if someone finds me at the end of that trail, I'll be ****** if I created that journey for them for nothing.

3- service/friendship/family: when I was younger, I though friends were the gold of my life. Irreplaceable and unable to be made the same twice. I use my friends to create the persona I've grown since youth. I am those who have love me and hated me. I am those who inspire me and depress me. I am those who fought for me and fought against me. If I feel that I'm flawed I search for others with these flaws. If I can help or even be the catalyst of my friends to overcome their flaws, then I have a shot of overcoming mine. My friends are proof that I'm not alone even in the moments where I wish I was. Even those I choose to be "unworthy" of my friendship, I cannot help but show them the courtesy of friendship. They are the reason why I stay alive in hopes that if I cannot help myself then there are those in need of me....hopefully. My family is, in a way, very tight knit. They are what molded my sense of dedication and perception that I bring into the outside world of society. They are the jokes I tell. They are the tears I've shed. They are the hugs I give. They are the noise I've screamed out of anger. They are the pillars in which I've stood on to weather the strains of being an individual. Wether the examples were good or bad, they were always the educators of my emotions. And there's a bitter sweetness that comes with that. The feeling that one must rise to an expectation and risk the crushing reality that, I alone, may not be able to rise to the challenge. It's hard to break away from those who raised you and create your own family in combined reasons with strangers around you. Or to create a family and come to find out they will only part ways from you after some time. To me, friends old and new, gone or present, they are always family. I could not have pieced myself together as the person I am today were it not for those who willingly gave pieces of themselves to me. And by me, they are loved.

4- Judgements: this one is always a sensitive one for me because I'm guilty of judgement. I've found myself many times giving the side glance at others and feeling like my thoughts are better than theirs. My theory is, if one has enough attention to pick out the flaws and cracks of people then they too possess the ability to pick out the gems in them as well. And it's difficult to do this when one is trapped in their own mind of "what's acceptable and what's abhorred. Homosexuality, deformities, drug addicts, mental illnesses, bad attitudes, poor management in a work force, dumb choices made by friends and family, someone who cuts you off in traffic, worldwide tales made by those who don't want the truth of matters to be revealed, politicians, other races, WHATEVER! We live in a time where life is taboo. Differences are mocked instead of celebrated due to our lack of living outside of ourselves and really put in the time to live in someone else's head. We justify our judgement by feeling so secure that we are always right and that other simply don't know any better. And deep down this makes us angry. Or to me, it does. And it should. We use are judgements as a safety net of our insecurities. We use them to feel that our lives are more significant than those we figure are wasting the time and air we greedily consume. We use it to feel pride in killing others in battle and deem it with a sense of patriotism or a mark of gaining hierarchy in are status but for what? Those who hide behind religious walls will or wealth or self serving thoughts will never know the joy of finding a stranger and making them a working cog in the life we're lucky to have. And it's sad that one must pursue past the nay sayers just to find that voice of reason that tells you, " you're imperfect but that's what I love about you."

Maybe it's the zen influences that I've recently encountered in my life or maybe these are thoughts that I've always had but due to stress and tragedy, I never was able to put this into words. Maybe fear that I know...by my words nothing will change according to my own perspective. However, if you made it this far into reading this, I'm grateful that you did. And I write with the intent, not to change how you think, yet, to make you think all the same. Life is too short and the human mind has too much potential to be wasted on a monotonous life that we believe will grant us happiness. There is so much more out there. And if you don't have the funds to travel or the friends that inspire you or the words that resonate within you, you have a mind that can sense life in all it's forms and all you need to do is use it. I love you guys
 Aug 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Journals strewn
Frantic writings
My thoughts are hewn
My mind is fighting
With memories and resolves
That I was describing
Younger versions of myself
Always complaining
Thinking that being bullet proof
Would keep them from shooting
If I could talk to her
The girl I was
Maybe shed some light and some tears
For her cause
Extract a little bit of blood
From those who manipulated her
From the bits of paper
Upon I once wrote
Words have always been a way
To communicate my joy and rage
Inside the diaries I would wage
Wars in my head
But the battles never escaped
They should have
Then now I would have a cleaner slate
To place newer memories of calmer days
Instead they live side by side
Thought I left behind my past
Instead it would just hide
Behind meshes of meat and coils in my mind
Bits of paper
Lonely words
Always written
Never heard
Trying my hardest
Not to sound absurd
In my attempts to be a normal girl
I guess old habits are the hardest to break
I continue writing of demons and angels
That never escape
Hold them back
Try to forsake
The others that live in my thoughts
Everyday
Only few outside of me
Can banish them away
Clear the settling dust of my fate
My bits of paper
My life in script
You can enter at your will
And live in safety of never being apart of it
I guess that's been my only wish
To live through words
To simply exist
Swinging my feelings from limb to limb
And always shifting regardless of whim
Rotting away underneath perfect skin
Dorian gray meets zombie land
Feasting and pleasuring on human sins
Knowing that's not who I really am
But on bits of paper
It contradicts
My good intentions
With my former riots
Never completely evil
Or wholly good
Knocked down off my feet
Where I firmly stood
Creeping with a soundless craze
They saw me smile and always misunderstood
Bits of paper
That's all I am
Past, present and future
That's all I have
Records of who I am
And who I'm not
I keep them all
In case they'll be forgotten
No treasure or wealth or object of praise
Will ever banish my words away
 Aug 2014 Onus
Kida Price
I miss you
 Aug 2014 Onus
Kida Price
That strangeness
The odd space that you fill
Waking and sleeping and simply existing
Within my tiny realm
Careless kisses
Unnumbered and uncounted
By the moments when we just couldn't help it
I'm all but aware of the silence
Even when in crowded spaces
Seeing your face
And it's warmth I'd embrace
To allow me to feel okay
Trying hard not to get used to it everyday
But that's the joke that's been played
On me
Waiting and bracing myself
Till the next time you come to spin my world
Break me from routine
Chase me to the side of the bed
Wake in reluctance next to me
Wake me with your lips instead
Appear in every walk of the day
Plucking strings
Hearing your voice sing
Figuring out our lives to be
Knowing you'll be home waiting for me
You've broken through the cracks
Living inside
Breathing the air I breathe
Pumping the blood through me
Keeping my eyes open
And excited to see
The life I want so badly
Ahead of me
My pillar
My rock
The current reason why I get up
Instead of spiral and sloth about
My focal point
I keep my eyes on you
You're worth all the ****
I've ever gone through
If it means being loved by you
How I miss you
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Don't open your eyes
Don't look in the sun
Don't allow your dreams to leave
As quickly as they come
The AM chime
In your mind
Is just a farce
It's still night time.
Don't leave the covers
Don't stir around
If you stay asleep, love
You're easily found
I'll be here watching
Simply admiring
The one that I'm loving
Hoping a dream
Has something to do with me
And when you awake
I'll be what you see.
So stay asleep
Leave the morning to me
I'll fix it so your waking dreams
Become reality
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Fuck off
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Just because you're family
Doesn't mean you have rights to me
My secrets kept
Are just that
They're hidden and swept
Under the rugs from your eyes.
If you find out you'd just call them lies
And there's truth to that plight
Blood hasn't  given you the god given right
To have a say in everything in my life
Keep in mind
The things you've confided in me
Without judgement and without confessing
To the rest of the world
Defining
What kind of person I've come to be.
Play your game
Let me play mine
You grew up with me
But you weren't always there to check my vital signs
You weren't there for every bit of time
I collapsed and reached out to find
You weren't there
And I still ended up fine.
Being the youngest of five
Doesn't make me the dumbest one in line.
I learned from the mistakes of four others
To keep my faults under these covers.
Being naive in front of the clan
Is apart of my plan
Blend in and refrain
From voicing opinions that won't be heard anyways.
Just because you're family
Doesn't mean
You own me
So *******
Or play my game
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Hold fast
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Anticipate
It's coming soon
Fears in motion
I'll get what's been coming to
Me
Two sided coin
Lands on it's side
Cradle my hopes
It's time to decide
Making certain
That's this time it's a choice I can't deny.
Too far gone
To turn back now
One foot off the ledge
The plummet keeps me from turning
Around
Let it be a quick drop
To the ground
I promise I won't make a sound
Fade in my head
The world that's real
Regardless of how many times I escape it
It penetrates through everything I feel
To forsake a love I didn't plan to steal?
Or the one I promised to embrace at the alter?
How can these truths be altered?
I never planned to falter
My heart was mine to squander.
Telling lies
Prove them right
Diminish any kind of hopeful light
Despite the love I chose to fight
It's easier to hate than it is to try.
I can't reply
I can't retry
Stuck in a rock and an iron maiden
Remove my decision
Sentence me to fading
I never intended to keep you waiting
Hoping that I'm cementing
Something more solid
Than what I've been showing.
That's what I get for knowing
Asking you questions
And you sure as hell told me
Thinking that choosing can be easy
Dying is simple
Just as breathing is instinct
I could have been better
I would have stayed away from the brink
Looking over
Taking cover
All this space
Can cause a person to smother
Any kind of human demeanor
Doing things that should be thought through
But it was always an exception when it came to you.
The home now where my thoughts reside
I keep them caged behind my eyes
They're only allowed to torture me every night
And I know you'll see them from time to time
You can be the strongest man alive
But the weight that buckles me is mine.
I'll hold fast for now, my love
My grip will tighten each time it comes
The waves that push and toss around
My resolve to be safe and sound.
Don't hurry to my side
Don't be responsible for my life
Don't challenge my monsters to a fight
Just stay with me till I fall asleep tonight.
Hold fast, love
Hold tight
If you let go
I too just might
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
What if
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Impossible to think
But it's all that I can do
A life in me
Came from the love of you
Tell you first
Of what could be
Expecting fear
A hesitant scene
Thinking too much of good
Can eventually lead to too much of a bad thing
The sick feeling
The smile on your face
The google search of symptoms and a trace
Of hope
Win win
Lose lose
It's hardly a dream I'd wait to choose
Talking of moments
If it all came out true
Timing is bad
But when is it not?
When it comes to us
We tend to move through those spots
Faster than we have time to think
Letting our words settle
And allowing our love to sink
Into me
Growing
Holding
What could be an image of our family.
The one we crave so desperately
Taking part what was once you and me
And creating a third
Both of us fitting into one small person
So perfectly
Asking if I'm scared or excited
Knowing you'll be there
Regardless of what's decided
This little thought left my brain ignited
Into fractures of images that can't be forgotten.
I see the way your eyes light up when you hear her name
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
That song has right to have fame
Taken from stars
And giving a name
This non existent child
Who has your humor
And my small frame.
My eyes
Your smile
Some pigtails
And dimples
A personality of innocent wonder
And perhaps a little brother.
Made by us and no others.
What if this is who we're meant to be?
Not just lovers to each other
But guardians of these children with me.
What if our hopes don't just exist in our dreams?
If we can touch them
If they are as perfect as we see
Tangability
Right at our finger tips
We could always do what we feel is right
Or instead we can do this.
Cause being upstanding isn't as great as it seems
We've both tried it and we drove ourselves crazy
Unless it's the insanity that we create.
So let's make some more
They'll be better at it without debate
Cracking us up
And holding us down
Driving us nuts
When they make that suspicious silent sound.
Hearing their staggered steps around
When they learn to walk on the ground.
What if this is who we're meant to be, sweetheart?
For each other
But more for them to be apart
Of their lives that we constantly talk about.
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
It's strange to see the female form
The personalities they've developed out of the norm
The way they speak
They're actions weak
Falling into the mold as someone meek.
They try to rile up to the idea of strength
Doing things unladylike and less like a saint
Swearing like sailors and keeping up drink for drink
Agreeing with the stupid **** that men tend to think.
But screaming at bugs and making belligerent scenes.
Makes me wonder how I turned to be
Not like a lady
And not like male majority.
Hit like a girl?
I hit like a brick
Who carries a knife or a gun?
That's the guy's job
Not the chick's.
Most will assume
I have more guy friends then girls
Because I'm permiscuous
And without a clue.
Trying to find the next masculine thrill
Let them into my pants
Because I'm on the pill?
That makes me invincible, right?
If I can't get knocked up
You're up for some fun tonight?
I avoid guys of that type
Cause that encourages the ******* female stereotype.
I'm no feminist
By any stretch of the imagination
I shave my armpits
And I hate petitions
I love cooking
And chick flicks on occasion
But I have a habit
Of acting above my station.
I talk freely about *******
I watch ****
And I listen to the metal rock sensation.
I bleed without hesitation
Wether it's on cutting my fingers on accident
Or my monthly menstration
I go to my job
To ******* work
Not to show up and whine
And allow my duties to shirk
You can't earn something
Without working for it first
So if you're lazy and broke
You deserve it, dumb ****.
I don't assume that I get what I want
With a bat of my eyes
I don't think I'm the apple in my father's eyes
I only manipulate
To get the attention away from my sight
I feel sorry for those gentile lies
That I'm supposed to own power
Because of my breast size.
If I'm blunt then I'm a *****
Too quiet then a ***** doormat
Too funny then I'm annoying and try too hard
Too boring then I'm a ***** with no substance.
I've cast these judgements
Of fellow girls alike
They act all tough
Until it's time to fight.
Grow out your nails
Put your earrings to the side
Talk a big talk
Then run from the blight
Acting like the bigger person
To cover the fright.
Don't start ****
If you don't plan to swing
Then your big words
Don't mean a ******* thing
Stay behind my back when you talk about me
You know better than to say it in front of me
A flick of my blade
A flash of my eyes
You wouldn't last long
Considering my size
If I have something to say
I'll say it to you
Because I know there's nothing you're going to do.
I won't waste another thought on you.
Live up to your anatomy
Leave mine up to me
You'll find that your substance
Is only false imagery.
Not all girls
Are like what I'm describing
But the lack of female rationality
Is the reason why we're constantly destroying
Our good names.
Don't be a man
Don't be a ****
Just be what you think
Be what you want.
Just because you have the power of the hole
Doesn't mean you have to act like a dumb *******.
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Growing in a sense of faceless fears. I know I'm scared but I don't know of who or what. It's directed at images and sounds that flicker in the front screen of my brain.

"Did you call my name?"

My parents answer no. Must be hearing things again. Not to be worried about an overly active imagination of a child. Things are perceived as supernatural when it's just the wind, at that age anyways. My sisters seem to know but never confess. They hear and feel the same kind of distress that I do. Try to find an answer. I don't want to be alone.

Share a room
Sister cries
In her sleep
The room is ice
But there's summer heat
Right outside
Too afraid to pull open my eyes.
Maybe I'm just dreaming lies.

This house is out to get a thrill. Making noises and causing chills. Causing the animals outside to shrill in screams and wild panic. Don't get me started on the upstairs attic. Sounds like something is always making a racket.

Pillows at every corner of my face
Trying to hide
Under cotton and lace
Pretend that I'm soundly asleep
And then...I hear the whispering creep.

My mother's childhood was a tragic one. Mental instability within her family had run.
Her father a ******
And not the comical sort
Took her innocence
And she lost her family support.
She prayed that it would stop completely
Better be specific with the prayers Gods receiving
He made it stop
To say the least
Her father was caught under an assembly belt
And his body was creased.

There are different kinds of dead that still linger with life. The guardians, the demons and those who believe themselves to still be alive. And guess which category in which my mother's father qualifies? He haunted us and took delight. We had the face of our mother in our youth alike. I saw him multiple times at the foot of my bed at night. That's how I knew of my sudden gift...can't be that close to death and not expect to recognize it after seeing it.

He saw me look
He knew I saw
That's what targeted
My nightly trauma
I'd awaken with a gasp to find out next
His idea of fingers were wrapped around my neck
And with that touch I found in me
I could see his history.
Like a flip book of pages constantly moving.
He jumped off bridges
Did magic tricks with cards
Read the bible like a saint
Before taking in charge
Of my mothers virtue at large.
He was good with a joke
Looked like Fred Astaire
With his widened forehead
And his crisp red hair
I saw his death the quickest of all
It was apart of his life
But the part in which he was in denial.
Racing my heart and seeing his smile
Convinced me there's nothing wrong with staying up late for awhile.

I confessed to my parents of who I had seen. Unknowing at that time of whom I was describing. My mother looked sick and wide eyed with doubt. What the hell is coming out of her child's mouth? Who would have told me? How did I know? I must have been snooping and in fear threw her stones. Making me sleep all alone. No sisters to crawl in bed with when he came around.

"If you ever speak of this again,
You be sleeping in an asylum and not a bed."
So I silenced my voice and quietly went
Into my room but never slept.
 Jul 2014 Onus
Kida Price
Complicate
Penetrate
All my walls
Just let them break.
Love me more than I can take
It's no longer something I debate.
Feel you stare
Fingers through my hair
Let you hold me
Let me care.
Feeling more than I thought was there.
How was it possible that you've been here
All along without me unaware?
Heartache was love for me for longer than I can remember.
I was used to it's customs
I greeted it while holding anger.
Do you see
What you've done to me?
You've ruined me
You made me dream.
Reminded me of the things I love
Let them surface
Accepted them all.
Even all the nasty flaws.
I tried to hide them
Tried to fix them before you saw.
How did you do it?
After all the others who'd been through it?
Suffered the tears and the angry words.
My self loathing and my distant stares
Talking me through when I'm not there.
What can I give you?
What do I have?
To make you so sure that you want this so bad?
The things so pure that you see
Are the things you've unknowingly added into me.
Replacing my apathy, so lovingly,
With more than what I thought I could be.
How could I repay such generosity?
Never changing
Never fixing
Never doubting
That I ever had to act differently
Into someone who fits your ideal imagery.
Never wanting saving
But reluctantly and stubbornly
Somehow I gave you permission to rescue me.
What the ****, baby?
Look at the state of me
I was so used to being dead
Living was just breathing
And it was so easy.
Being stone cold was simple
Compared to feeling.
You saw my tears
My rapid breathing
Waking nightmares
Drunken confessing
Self mutilating
Suicidal repressing
My lack of certain emotions
That I can't bring myself to feeling.
And there you are quietly accepting
Listening and not defeating
The words I say with comforting words
That are often misleading.
Never thought I'd be the one pleading
For someone to never leave me.
Your precious love is more than sweetness.
It's more than blind forgiveness.
It's more than the pretty words and actions you make
It's the things you've seen in me
And still you wait.
Loving the unlovable person
That I had to create.
You molded me into someone with breath.
Breathing life into me with every caress.
Keeping my thoughts in our universe
Whenever they wander, you wander with them too.
Never leaving me alone with them even if they have nothing to do with you.
Fearing nothing and everything at once
Giving me what I've always wanted
A chance
To be who I should have been
Before I became this.
I love you more each time I glance
At your face smiling back.
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