I want to have you hold me
Like you never want me to leave


Pull me in close
Until I can hear your hear beating


I just... want to be loved
By a boy


I want to feel confident
That your looking at me


That someone. anyone
is looking at me


I just want someone to dance with
When everyone is watching


Even though I step on your toes
You'll pretend like you don't feel anything

Someone who will understand
When I can't get my words out just right


Someone who will laugh
Even when I ***** up the joke


Someone who will chase me 
When I run

And maybe
Convince me to stop running


I wonder if u exist
If your just made up 


Some perfection I'm chasing
With no actual hope of ever finding


I just grasp at what I hope to be you
And always seem to come up so wrong

I know its stupid
I always do

most mistakes
it's like I already know

like I take some kind of joy out of ******* up my life
I believe they're necessary mistakes

I mean it's gonna happen sooner or later
right?

yet this may not be a ***** up
this could ruin it all

I've seen it happen
too many times

but maybe I'm different
it could all work out

but what if it doesn't
am I willing to risk it?

once you do it
there are no take backs

i don't want to
i don't really remember how
it's been so long
can't i just not

if i just stay behind my walls
where no one can hurt me
where he can't hurt me
where I'm safe

this is where I like to be
and if you really don't want to hurt me
than don't ask me to feel
because when I feel all I feel is pain

people say life goes on
well they're right
but sometimes
you need to pause

when your not old enough to drive
yet life forces you to look into the casket
and let the last hope die

looking into her lifeless eyes
knowing she's not looking back
her flawless face that never needed make up
painted and covered

when you look at a corpse
and see your best friends face
and you see all the years she deserved
and all the years she'd never get

when you go to church every week
yet you can't stay away
because you know he's there in the garden

the beautiful old garden that use to be so pretty
now haunted by his remains

just dust
in a box
in a wall
in a garden
when he should be playing football
smiling like a fool
head over heels in love with your best friend

when you see two mothers

one who lost one of her four children
who is forced to explain to two young sons
how they're 15 year old sister died

one who lost her only son
who lost her everything
trying to find meaning in a dark cruel world

to have to live with yourself

knowing
you saw her that day
and didn't talk to her
thinking you'd see her Monday

no I couldn't have known
no I could't have done anything
but that doesn't make me feel better

life won't pause but people should
because if you don't
you'll regret it

All people are jerks
At one time or another

We hate
We fight
We hurt
We cry

We steal
We cheat
We lose
We lie

We regret
We wish
We whine
We break

We fall
We fear
We hide
We fake

and Why?
Why do we go through all this hurt and pain

build a trust
To just throw it away
day to day

What can we say?
Maybe because

We love
We smile
We hug
We live

We heal
We try
We help
We give

We jump
We run
We dance
We spin

We forgive
We remember
We learn
We win

We are amazing creatures
We go through so much pain
Than come out smiling
Isn't it insane?

We can love someone
Say its for all our lives

Than hate them
Than miss them
We can even hit them
Though its not always advised

We can fall
For a day or more
Feeling like you'll never see the floor

We can make our lives ****
We can make our lives great

We can choose to love
We can choose to hate

We can wait and wait
We can make our own Fate

Most of all
We have to remember
If you choose to smile
When everyone wants you to cry
you choose to make it through every horrible day
yay

What does it take to make you go away?
It shouldn't be this hard
You’re just like every other ****
Except with an irritating persistence

Or are you just a sadist
Love watching my hope grow
Just to destroy it
Does this make you happy?

You call me a drama queen
When I try to run
You say I’m making a big deal
Out of nothing

But it’s something to me because I’m not like you
I can’t turn my heart off like you can
Or maybe you never felt anything in the first place
Who knows but I want out

Out of this awful arrangement
Where you stab me in the back
And all I’m supposed to do is stand there
And act like nothing happened

You say you care about me
You’re lying
And I’m letting you
Because I want it to be the truth

But it’s not and will never be
And I try and try
But I can’t turn my feelings off
At least not completely

Stop coming back around
Stop sneaking your way back in
Stop convincing me to trust you
Stop breaking my heart

Because I can’t be around you
And no matter how many times I tell you
You just work harder to get back
And I can’t keep letting you

don't act like your sorry
like you don't know what your doing
like I have the same amount of blame
and yet I do
I kept letting you talk
your words like a spell
the longer I listen
the less I can focus
and it's like a lure
and before I know it
I'm trapped
you give me that innocent look
like you didn't know
like its a coincidence we don't talk until late
and you know when I'm getting tired
when I'm paying attention less
I try to concentrate
but I find I'm losing my way
longer and longer
the more I don't want to say no
the more I con't keep it up
like if just for a second I could trust you
let you in
No! I have to catch myself
your the predator
luring in your prey
but soon
I won't stop
I'll walk to close to the edge
and it'll look so easy
you look so sweet
I just want to let go
and you know all my short cuts
how long can I hold out
when you always know
what to say
when to say it
how to say it
and all I know is it'd be so easy
and this is so hard
and maybe you have changed...

I wanna scream
I wanna yell
I wanna shout

I KNOW!
I know what your doing
I've known for a long time... maybe too long

your using me
until she gets back
and shes back... but I just can't

I don't have the guts
to burn it down
your a bridge I just can't let go of

It hurts... I think it hurts you too
I mean you never say anything
just run away until I get the point

well it kills me
because I want to be more
more than just some skeleton in your closet

thats all I ever wanted
just to be something... that you can't erase
with just a delete button on your phone

it isn't that much... is it
I mean I thought we were friends
almost 3 years... I thought it meant a little bit more

or was it all just a lie
maybe... I have been tricked
maybe I was always just an object

maybe you were right
I'm just a stupid little girl
easily manipulated

No your not... not this time
so i may have fallen for a part that you've played to perfection
but so has everyone else

but having to sit there
acting oblivious
like I didn't know you'd disappear when she came along

I tried to cope
knowing you'd leave
believing I didn't care

I tried to be as cold as you
slither away
spineless and heartless

but you hurt me
because I stupidly believed maybe... this time... he means it
when inside I know you never did

do you even know how to be honest
you said over and over we could be just friends
nothing more

and each time you never gave even one apology
as you went back on your word so many times
maybe because I never ask for one

I never ask you to do anything
maybe because I know the answer
and knowledge can be a slow spreading deadly virus

but it just made it so much worse
because when it happened
it was my fault for letting it go on so long

I just believed we could be friends
but obviously I was wrong
I was never your friend

I couldn't be
because too you
I was nothing but a pretty little object

One Prince Charming to the next
people say they're so hard to find
and yet I seem to attract them

my first worked so hard to get his crown
making sure everyone loved him... every single person
once I hindered that I was abandoned... a lost cause in his mind

he was so kind
but I didn't have his endurance
I couldn't keep up the facade of caring for so many faceless opinions

so the next was the best kept secret I believe ever kept
everyone loved him while I stayed in the shadows
I liked the shadows but after awhile you wonder how he can lie so easily

I don't believe he ever lied to me
but he couldn't see far enough into the future
his life of lies would fall and I didn't want to be caught up in the destruction

the third had the word of mouth
his words were more beautiful than any poem I could ever write
and he always had everyone's full attention

yet as the relationship went
I began to hear what his words were really saying
and they just weren't so beautiful anymore

so after 3 prince Charmings
I began to feel for the princesses
its just so hard

so if I were to pick the most realistic
it be Sleeping Beauty 100 years of sleep
because with a prince everything is draining

honestly Cinderella
I'd rather stay locked in my room
with a pumpkin and some converse

than a carriage and glass shoes
living in a fake smile
with a million eyes constantly on you

so I've decided
I want a boy who'd rather I like him
than make a million strangers like him

and I know how selfish that must be
its childish and immature
but honestly I just don't care anymore

take me or leave me
but know one thing
I'm no princess

I run
the wind hitting my face
the feel of the gravel under my feet
the thrill of the chase

but what is chasing me
friends who want my time
grades that never end
choices for a future years away

its closing in on me
if I stand still I'm trapped
so I run away
as far away as I can

until the world is a blur
and I fall into the black hole

As I step into place
Whether surrounded by others
Or just one other
I’m alone

As the gun shoots
I start
Like an out of body experience
My feet aren’t mine

I’m not even me
As I’m floating above this ******* auto pilot
And from above all seems clear
For one split second

Then I’m back
Moving
In the direction they tell me to run
At the speed they tell me is best

And yet I feel so free
And when I want to speed up
When I want to sprint ahead
Leave all else in the dust

It’s just a question of endurance
And honestly I feel like I can endure anything
Actually I feel like I have
Like I’ve endured everything

I know I haven’t there’s more pain to come
Speeding up just wears you out faster
But with that ******* my heels
I just can’t let her catch up
As she gets closer
I remember
All the things I want to forget
All the things I’m running against

And a surge of energy
Whips through me
Full of emotions
And exploding with power

The hatred for the boy with no heart
The sorrow for the friend who will never see me run
The anxiety I’m not ready for the future
The fear I’m not good enough

So as I run far from sight from the girl behind
As I pass the finish line
And want to fall from exhaustion
I feel happy

But what do I do
When I can’t keep running?
When I’m not fast enough?
When the girl catches up?

You see me
I know you do
you act like you can see through me
Yet I know you can't
I wish I knew why you act like this
Will you ever tell me why
Is it my fault?
Do I make it hard?
Could I make it be simple?
I try to understand
but I just can't seem too
I want to be your friend
You want to be mine
Or atleast thats what you say
Yet you go mute
when I walk into a room
Like your words are too good for my ears
Yet I don't think that's it
It could be
But for a second
When I see your eyes
Fear flickers through
you may deny but I know what I see
and I see it only too often
I wonder who else notices
Who knows to look for it
Maybe just me
But trust me its there
Maybe its the same when you see me
Is it?
Do we fear each other?
Can anyone tell?
Will it always be secret?
It began wrong
But its not that way anymore
Atleast that's what you promised
So why can't they know
Or maybe its just easier to dissapear that way
Though if you just want to dissapear again
Just do it
You know waiting just hurts me
And I'm tired of hurting
So I hope you don't run
But I hope you will help me
to Understand
If your not ashamed of me
Why am I a secret?

People wish they could do this
Be invisible
But people don't understand
I'm not invisible
I'm see through

People ignore me
Insult me
Like I'm not even there
Am I?
Does it ever matter?

I'm not worth it
So hurt me
Stab me
Make me cry
Who cares?

I'm just background
Put here as filler
Not worth anything
Just here to stand by
Watch the masses

I have no magic power
I just don't matter

you see me
my eyes dart away
my heart races
fear? panic? hatred? sorrow? regret?
I'm not sure
you knew me entirely
yet your heart was caged
you'll tell me she got in
yet if she did why isn't she enough?
why can't you be around me?
you blame it all on me
like I'll force your hand
when I can't even move my own
you say I made the first move
I'd laugh bacause your game is solitaire
and I was just another card
you threw me around
losing pieces in the process
your eyes cold as ice
you look away
I wonder if you hear
my heart shattering as you do

stop smiling
stop laughing
stop talking
stop being yourself
because its not fair
they get you

and i get a death stare
because of what?
what did i do?
why are you so cold?
why do you go mute
when i walk up

you say you'll try
I should've known better
nothing i say matters
everything i say angers you
and me I just can't keep talking
to someone who won't listen

smile
breathe
laugh

hear his voice
try not to look in that direction
hear him talking with friends

he's laughing, joking, having fun
wonder why he can't be like that when I'm around
wishing I was over there

try not to think of him
fail
his name finds it's way into all my thoughts

wonder if he sees me?
wonder if he likes what I'm wearing?
wonder if he knows he's why I'm wearing it?

trying to get his attention
trying to make him come over
trying to make him speak

he walks in front of me
my heart spikes
he looks at me

I freeze
I'm a deer and his eyes are my headlights
intensely burning into me

and for a second
I truly think he's going to run me over
I look away regret shooting me like a hunter's bullet

wishing I'd spoken
wishing I'd smiled
wishing I'd done anything else

I look back
I take a deep breath
and swallow my heart

"wheres Matt?"
I ask forcing him to look
our eyes meet

his fill with fear
as if he'd rather die than speak to me
I snap in a different last name

looking away but not fast enough
still seeing relief flicker through him
I walk towards the one I named 'accidentally' knocking into him

I didn't look back
I heard his friend ask "whats with her?"
I cringe at his reply "why should I know?"

I dig my nails into my arm
I bite my lip
and fight every instinct to turn around

hoping he didn't see my anger
yet at the same time
hoping he did

wishing he'd just spoken to me
ending the act
we could be normal friends

no more complications
no more secrecy
no more excuses

I text him everyday asking if we can ever be normal friends
he replies we already are
I send a smiley face

In the end it's simple
he's a liar
and I'm a fool

nothing you do is right
not for me
maybe I'm picky
maybe I'm just not ready

it's too soon
and you will never understand
you will never know them
and everyone who did is leaving

I just can't handle it
you don't know me
you don't know what I've been through
why should I let you in

when I still cry at the names
and you don't know their names
too much new
and now you

I can't take it
I've lost too much
and I'm not ready for more people
who don't understand what I've been through

I try to let go
I'm so sure

I know what i'm doing
I need to do it

there's no other choice
and yet...

in an instant you've got me in tears
doubting everything

and you didn't even realize
you had me in the palm of your hand

but you hit to hard
and sent me spiraling away

you ruined it all
7 years gone. wasted.

are you happy now?
I'm crying

you've had your final hit
but no more!

you hit too hard
and I won't have someone who just hurts

you act like its a surprise
like I never said anything

when I always told you
could you even hear me?

I cried out for you to stop
and I cried to deaf ears

I should have run so long ago
no one wanted me to stay

but i couldn't let you go
because I thought I needed you to be happy

but you didn't make me happy
you made me feel stupid,wrong,idiotic, but never happy. Not anymore.

I begged for you to stop
we didn't need to fight

we didn't need anymore more pain
but you couldn't stop yourself

so you call me weak
and I call you pathetic

and no one is left unscarred
because you can't stop

you have to win
and you don't care who you hurt

so when your all alone
than you can always win

but will that really make you happy?
I hope it does

I know you think we're all out to get you
but I just want you to be happy

I just want you to be happy
in a way that doesn't hurt me

is that too much to ask?

What am I to do?
When I can't trust

the one I might love
but I don't love

because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might

and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand

how he feels
how I feel

how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!

I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish

wish I could talk to him

for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?

wish I could trust him

forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all

wish I could understand him

he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me

When black starts looking grayer
When white is a blur
When all smiles feel forced
When pain makes me happy

This is when love kills
When hearts fall open

The merciful will just break them
The cruel will just play with them

The merciful will see your tears
They will walk away
They will let your hate burn the love away
They will let you move on
They will let you find the one who can heal your heart

The cruel will never see your tears
They will stay
They will stab at your heart and watch it bleed
They will trap you
They will set bombs to go off on your escape

I have fought love
I have lost
I have been punished

For the one who heals my heart
Is the cruelest

He heals
Unknowingly hurting the thing he saves
Unknowingly killing my soul

Def to my cries
Def to my screams
Def to my pleading

I've fallen for the cruelest of them
and I will never be free

I saw him take my heart and did nothing
He bled me dry and I stood by and watched

Now there is nothing I can do
But sit and hope

For there is no moving on
Not any more

When you give your heart to the cruel
All you can do is watch them abuse it

When love causes so much pain
You begin to hate love

When falling in love means falling and never hitting ground?
Constantly fearing the ground
Until the anticipation is worse than the ground could ever be

When I hate myself for loving one who just hurts me?
I can't stop loving him

I  can't have others
For once you've loved someone so purely
Only they can set you free

What is there to do?
but wait for death to take you?

When there was nothing I could do.

I cried
tears of sorrow
tears of anger
tears of hoplessness

No one helped me
No one could

I screamed
words of denial
words of regret
words of pain

No one helped me
No one could

I cried til my tears ran out
I screamed til my voice gave out

No one helped me
No one could

What do you do when tears aren't enough?
What do you do when you scream to deaf ears?
What do you do when nothing you can do can bring her back?

When you look into her cold lifeless eyes and know shes not looking back.
What do you do than?
What can you do?

You couldn't see my tears
So you believed I hadn't cried

You couldn't hear my words
So you believed all my lies

You couldn't feel my heart break
So you believed I was fine

I wasn't happy
So I did cry

I wasn't good enough
So I did lie

I wasn't strong enough
So I did die

I cared too much to tell you the truth
You didn't care enough to see I was lying

your eyes drain me
and I know your smile is forced
that's how I can tell
you don't understand
I still love you
but I just can't forget
the mean things they say
not a word in my defense
you don't even flinch
maybe if you let them
than you won't be brought down with me
it works but at a price
many people you may never see again
probably won't remember you badly
if at all
but a girl you love
that stood by you for years
will never trust you again
I hope its worth it
I really do
but the way you don't even react to their evil words
that you know couldn't be less true
and you stay quiet in your own self- preservation
now I see your true self
I still love you
but not the same way I did
I need someone stronger
I hope one day you'll see
but I'm sorry it wasn't in time to save
you and me

Maybe its too crazy, for this to work
Maybe we're just grasping at straws
Maybe I should have given in long ago
Maybe I should walk away

Finally listen to my brain
It's always been the obvious answer
but when I try
my feet feel cemented down

This repetition is horrible
but it seems to be never ending
and yet... when I had the chance
I couldn't end it

Did you know?
I have love
I have freedom
I have it all... Or so I thought

Than came you
I'm not even sure what this is
this feeling for you
is there a word

It's not love
yet its so much more than some teen crush
and yet so much less
now filled with curiosity

Maybe Its something new entirely
maybe its just my need to rebel
maybe the hot intimacy of the secrecy
yet I find myself unable to let it go

you say we can go back to being friends
you know your lying
Yet sometimes I wish
we stayed just friends

I know it be totally different
yet maybe when we talk
I wouldn't always be in fear
of your next attempt to end it

I miss it
when you trusted me
and I trusted you
and neither felt guilty about it

but there's no going back
and there's absolutely no going forward
there's just here and now
you and me

I can act like I'm fine
it's so easy
throw around meaningless words
just say what they want to hear

than I see you
my heart tightens
I can't breathe
I want to run

you stand there
I can't even hold your gaze
so I look around you
anything to focus on

because if our eyes meet
you'll see through me
how your name is permanently stuck in my head
and I torture myself trying to get it out

my hands grasp air
as if searching
for something
anything to hold me up

I can't stop scanning your friends
their faces looking for a grin a snicker
did you tell them
did you sit around joking about me?

Do they all know?
have you convinced them I'm stalking you
told them my secrets
laugh at how I trusted you

I'm still smiling
my mask holds up
refusing to crack
though inside I'm crushed

I won't let you win
I'll always stand strong
even if its all a lie
I'll always smile

I can't let you win
you can't have that satisfaction
if I have hold on to it
into my coffin

As you look away
and I can breathe again
As you walk away
and I can move again

and once again
my world is mine