I was hooked on you
Talked to you every day

I cared about you
But you didn't even know my name

I didn't care you were like a drug
You were my addiction

I convinced myself I needed you
Thinking about you everyday

I lied to my friends
Made fake promises to be done

I ignored my friends warnings against you
I claimed I was in control

I never was though

I would do anything to keep you
Keep you coming back

And then one day I realized
I don't need you

I don't need to watch my phone
Only to be upset the text isn't from you
Or when it is to rack my brain on the perfect reply
Just to have you say lol

I don't need to see you with her
How you would bring her flowers just cause
You said you loved her
Though if you did why did you need me?

I don't need to think of ways to see you throughout the day
Just in hopes you'll see me and say hi
Just once
You never did

So call this my rehab
I'm done with you

All the things
I can't tell you

How I still wish you were the guy I hear around the corner
How I still wish you'd come and make it all okay
How I still wish you were the guy from 7 years ago

But I can't tell you that
Because your not

I still remember your smile
I still remember the sound of your voice
I still remember the feeling of your touch

But I can't tell you that
Because you don't

I still jump when you fall
I still hope your okay
I still wish I could ask

But I can't tell you that
Because you didn't jump

I miss talking to you
I miss being able to look you in the eye
I miss the way you always made me smile

But I can't tell you that
Because than you'd know

I can't stand it
you don't even know
how insane your making me
or do you?

how I watch you
out of the corner of my eye
waiting... hoping

not for a reunion
no don't get any ideas
I'm done with you
but I just... I need

to yell
scream
call you out

you messed up
did you know that?
YOU ******* up

but you don't talk to me
you avoid looking in my direction
like you can't stand the guilt
your too ashamed of me

I just want you to try..
something
anything

I just can't stand it
You messed up! Not me
but don't I get something
while you got everything

you never even said sorry
and I just want to know you feel bad
that you have a conscience

just once could you
please
just say sorry

sorry I was a ****
sorry I hurt you
sorry I ignored you
sorry I was wrong

I have feelings
this didn't just affect you
is it that hard to remember

I just wanna know you felt something
anything
that I meant something to you

I don't want you anymore
I can't do that again
but I wanna know you have a heart
because you broke mine

so yes I do watch you from the corner of my eye
hoping you'll say something
anything

I see a million faces
All going a million miles an hour
With a million things to do

I hear a million conversations
With a million different voices
And a million words to say

I see a man with a million dollar watch
Yet twenty dollars and twenty minutes later
I see he has five million more

I look up to see a million signs
Millions of flashing colors and words
With a million eyes just passing them by

I see a million I heart NYC shirts
And a million cameras pointed in every direction
All flashing five million times

New York City must be amazing
I mean not many cities can say
They’re a city of millionaires

I'm so broken
No one can help me

so I hide
in a cage of memories
there is no key
for I don't want to escape

if I stay, maybe...
I won't feel that pain again
I won't feel so alone
I won't feel so beyond repair
I can't... not again

so I stay trapped
seeing everything through memories

people see a building
I see the last place I saw her

people see a desk
I see the place we discussed boys

people see a girl died
they feel bad for a moment
I see my best friend died
I fall apart forever

You lit a match
You let it burn
You watched

You saw me
You thought I'd run when I saw
But thats not who I am

For I know fires
They consume all
Just burning until theres nothing left

I saw it was wrong
Foolishly believing I could stop it
Instead I burned

I felt the pain
every flame burning my skin
ash filling my lungs

I'm not an idiot
I knew it was wrong
I tried to help

But you couldn't let me
You couldn't trust me
Not now I'd tell everyone

You knew you had hurt me
You thought I was petty like you
So you acted like you didn't see

You ignored me as I burned
In the fire you started
Than convinced yourself it was my fault

This must be my fault
For you lit the match
But I believed I could stop the fire

Than when the fire burned out
I did the impossible
I came back

I was covered in scars
That only you could see
You trued to looked away

I could still see the fear in your eyes
She'll tell everyone is all you could think
Though in reality

As you feared my every word
I did something you can't even understand
I forgave you

For I know for the rest of your life
You'll be starting fires
Until your fire has consumed everything

I just wish you had let me help
But how can you trust me
Because you can't trust yourself

What if life had a clicker?

What if I could pause?
Before you made me cry
And I could run away
Would I ever push play?

What if I could rewind?
Go back and never say hi
Live my life without ever even meeting you
Without the pain, tears, and hatred

What if I could fast forward?
Past your mean looks, all your hatred, every lie
Would I still feel the sting of tears like acid in my eyes?
Would I still feel the coldness of your stare?

What if I could mute you?
Would you let me breathe again
Would I be able to tell you the truth you deny?
Could I make you listen?

even if you don't care
even if you never did
just talk to me
no excuse
no new starts
no one last times
just let it end
let me go
like we should have a long time ago

How do you do it
The pressure is killing you
I know it

It's already started
You can call it maturity
But your lying

It's killed your love
You use to love running
Now you just love blood

If you don't win
What's the point
When did that become you?

Am I too late
are you too far gone
I want to try

yet I can't help but see
the guy I love dying
and he never even stopped running

time goes by so fast
when your happy

yet seems to pause
as you fall

I remember when you were nothing
but a guy in my math class

than you texted
and I replied

and ever sense
one bad decision after another

but do all bad decisions
have to be mistakes

because you don't hurt
and mistakes hurt

and I know your scared
so am I

maybe because we know secrets about each other
yet we don't trust each other

so we wonder
why we told them

and we don't know
what do we know

I know I love him
you know you love her

yet we risk it
and I don't know why

and I want to ask
but I'm too scared

because if you say something
if you feel something

I'm not sure
of my answer

I use too
but I was naive

it was in the blur
the time when she stepped in

I held my breath
as I stepped back for her

you didn't notice
and after awhile I didn't mind

and I never thought of you
as I kissed him

and he makes me happy
while you just make me smile

and overtime
I've learned smile's lie

so please don't have feelings
because losing you would hurt

don't make it hurt
we've both made mistakes

don't become one
don't become mine

a bad decision
isn't a mistake

until it hurts
please don't hurt me. Please.

I'm a girl who fell for the boy
... who fell for you

call me the other woman
call me names

but you could never hurt me as much
as he did by loving you

as he did by letting me live in denial
that he could possibly feel something

I know he lied
I always knew
but I wanted it to be true
so I believed

you will never understand
the pain of being used
and knowing your being used
knowing you are in love with the user
and he will never feel the same

hate me, but why?
you got what I wanted
if you dump him its not because of me
its because of what HE did to me

don't try punishing me
you couldn't hurt me any worse
so instead of blaming me
try listening

your the girl with the guy
i'm the girl who'd risk everything for a second of belief he could ever be hers

so don't hate me because of what he did
I already hate me for standing by and letting him

true torture is seeing the guy you love, in love with another girl

What is this

When its just me and you
Everything feels right

Yet when the world walks in
I ***** it all up

People ask questions
I give all the wrong answers

Nothing I do is right
And you didn't help

Things were said
Things were done

My heart shattered
I felt like everything had

But when everything was said and done
We find we still care for each other

And I just want to fall back in your arms
But are your arms still open

Nothing feels the same
You feel closed off

I think I know why
I fear you can't see

You saw me at my worst
And you don't remember anything else

Now life is taking a toll
and I think I see the end of the road

all I hear ever
screaming louder and louder
so I scream back
they all turn on me
I feel cornered

I can't run
nowhere to go
I cling to my one space
but they take it away
consuming it in their fighting

I try to drown it out
but it never ends
someone is always mad at someone
they don't care if it hurts me
and they know it does

I try to ask for help
but they just keep screaming
I run and hide
but nowheres safe
it never stops the yelling and threats

my only escape
is the pain
the cold metal on my skin
as I press it in
the sting as I watch the blood pour out

"Its not fair" I scream in vain
"Whoever said life was fair?" is always the reply
But this isn't just unfair its cruel
Doesn't anyone care?

Why'd they have to go like that
In the dark
Too young
And all alone

No one there
To see her last breathe
Hear his scream
Like a horrible dream

They were so young
They did nothing wrong
Yet they died all the same
Taken almost as fast as they came

it's not suppose to be like this
it's too soon
it's too easy
it can't be real
and yet... it somehow is

it's a fairy tale
but i can't trust it
and I'm ******* it up

we met as children
how was I to know
you were just a cute guy across the table
but you saw me when I wasn't much to see
perfect first love

than camp ended
and I saw the reality of it
and made a decision to stay your friend

we grew up
yet not apart
and everyday it got harder
until finally we admitted
we were still in love with our first loves

yet I held back
how could I move forward
when there was so much to lose

I love you
you love me
but it was too perfect
how could I trust prince charming
when I don't feel like a princess

and every step of the way
I've ******* up
and you've looked past it

prince charming?
7 years
I still can't trust it
and for some reason
you still love me

the cuts on my arms
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the bruises on my legs
no one askes
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

the red stains of fallen tears on my cheeks
no one asks
because no one sees
because no one wants to see

They want to see cat scratches
They want to believe I fell
They want my lies

They want to see a fake smile
They want to hear a fake truth
They want a fake girl

I don't understand
and I'm trying but nothing ever seems clear
mainly I want to know Why?
why I care so much for those who don't seem to reciprocate

or not in the way I supposedly deserve
and my rose colored glasses
that seem permanently glued on
only hinder me in the process

when I only get glimpses of reality
it's a fog I'm living in
I know you're wrong
yet I still care for you and can't stop
and it's my fatal flaw
and I'm living my own tragic romance
for I can't seem to stop
caring no matter how deep the wound cuts
I never seem to get scars
I remember them but its so hard not to give second chances
than third...fourth...fifth..sixth
and who doesn't deserve a seventh chance
it's a lucky number right
and people grow and change
and it's always a new day
and my inability to enter the realm of reality
is slowly crippling me
how much more can my heart be stabbed
by the ones who've stabbed it time and time again
and it screams in agony for me to change my ways
but I just don't know how to

When I say "I'm fine"
When I'm crying
Am I lying?

What does fine mean?
Really and truly
What do you mean when you say it?

When I say it
I'm upset, depressed, and crying
I'm hurt, bruised, and bleeding

So maybe that's my fine
If you think it means something else
Is it my fault

If you have to ask
You know I'm not
But your happy to believe my lies

So walk away
Believing you helped
Because you don't want me on your conscious

Hope you can sleep at night
Believing you tried
Who's lying now?

The words cemented in my throat
That I want to scream at you nearly everyday
Everything I've always wanted to say

But I can’t because…
It's like trying to walk with nowhere to stand
Knowing you don't understand

You act like I’m from some other planet
That my words don’t translate through
Like everything I say isn't a concept to you

Yet your a part of it too
and I just can’t explain anymore
these wounds are growing too sore

so I try to shut up
speak less and less
because I can’t bear another word that you can’t seem to process

and you’d think I’d learn
Just act like we have no problems… as long as they only affect me
you know… all the ones you pretend not to see
 
pretend my heart isn't dying
and I don’t care
but this just isn't fair

I’m tired of pretending
And I don’t know how much longer I can. I’m not this strong
To keep standing here acting like you’re not doing anything wrong

And you act like it’s a game
And I just don’t feel I could ever win
I’m sorry but I’m done in

And I just want to speak my mind
Without your manipulative ways
Telling me I’m wrong no matter what I say

So here it is
You refused to even try to understand
And I can’t keep trying to withstand

It feels good
To have someone

Who knows
What to say and when to say it

Yet when that person is pushing
He wants more and more

And I'm scared he has every key
To all my locks

And if he asked at the right time
I'm scared I'd let him in

And it might be fun
But I can't buy anymore locks

And he may be fun
But unfortunately fun doesn't mean trustable

and fun never lasts
and neither does he

they throw me in the arena
they want to watch
always cheering for my opponent
they say I like it
like its fun for me
to be booed at
backed into a corner
insulted for speaking at all
I just want to run
but there is no escape
this game is killing me
but they seem to love it
watching me suffer
How can they not see?
that knowing they won't listen
makes every word like a knife stabbing my throat
every word hurts worse than the last
until I just can't keep fighting

I'm living in a def world
and all I want is to be heard

I feel the wind against my face
sweat dripping from my chin
hearing every twig snap around me

legs aching with every step
but I can't stop
just push a bit further

the next tree
than the next
they all start blurring

I know it hurts
but I can't stop now
I know stopping I'll just drop

I can't
not now
just keep moving

than I hear it
the voice that haunts my nightmares
it sounds nice but I know the truth

I just can't
not today
not any day

I start sprinting and I can't stop
like my legs have minds of their own
nothing matters any more

I just have to get away
away from him
I want to cry

though I don't know why
and some little part of me
wants to go back

I just want to cause him pain
I ran until my legs fell out from out under me
and hit the ground hard

I just buried my face into my hands
and try to breathe
and force myself to stagger up

than I got up and started again
to the ends of the world I will run
to keep you away from me

because when I see you
I just want to scream
my heart speeds up while breaking

I can't breathe
I can't think
I just can't do it anymore

so I may not be able to hide
but I'll always be able to run
and run I will

I'm crazy
he's amazing
yet I don't love him
I can't

he looks at me with pure love
yet I'm blind to him

he says the sweetest things
yet I hear nothing

he holds me when I need to be held
yet I feel nothing

Why?
Why can I fall so easily for the other?

the one who can't look me in the eye
I looked past it

the one who only spoke to me in secret
I hear every word

the one who leaves me in the cold
I feel every second

am I insane
messed up mentally
somehow I love what I should hate
and run from what I should love

why can't I love the boy who loves me?
why can I love the boy who is filled with nothing but hatred?

I need to be honest
All this pain
It's not their fault
Not anymore
Cause everyday
I choose
I Choose to torture myself

When I listen to love songs
The sweet ones
I let myself think about him
The one who was weak
The one who ran
When I needed him
The one I still love

I listen to broken heart songs
The angry ones
I let myself think about him  
The one who abused my naivity
The one who claimed to care
Yet not enough to save my life
Who I can't leave behind

I let myself do this
I dare to keep going
There's a new guy
I know one day it'll hurt
But I can only think
Now. it doesn't
I'm so stupid

If I could tell you anything
I would tell you everything

I'd tell you I want you to be happy
but I'm trying to be happy myself

that I'm not avoiding you
just trying not to get hurt again

how I hate hearing how sweet and awesome you are
because I just want to tell them "I KNOW"

How I've known since we were twelve
when you bought me that snickers bar at the dance

I miss you than
when you let me know how you feel

and why you felt that way
now I can't even comprehend you

it's like your on another level
and you won't deign to give me a hand up

I miss it when you didn't hide your feelings
and make me feel awful for having any at all

I wish I could walk up to you
and tell you all these things

but you'd call me immature
and laugh at me

you'd say I'm being childish
tell me how I need to grow up

because I'm in love with who you use to be
and you're in love with who you could make me

but you'll never be him again
and I can never be her ever

But I'll always miss you
I wish you could just understand

I see you as you walk the halls

If you only knew
How my heart skips seeing you
Would you care?

If you only knew
How my heart drops seeing her with you
Would you care?

How you hold her
How you love her
How I wish I was her

If you knew how I felt
When everyone talks about you two
How your the best couple

I laugh to myself
For I know the truth
No one would even guess I knew you

Yet I do so very well
So intimately
Such secrets have passed my lips only to your ears

Yet I missed my chance
Did I ever really have one?
Were you ever serious?
Did you just use me cause you could?

If you only knew how the questions ramble on
Each more torturous to think about
Why does he need me when he has her?
Does he need me?
Did he ever have feelings for me?

If you only knew
I love you
would you care?

I wanna be sure
everyone tells me I'm right
and deep down I know I am

yet I did love him
once
some time ago

and I believed he loved me too
at some point
he had to... Right?

if I ask I know what he'll say
I always did or I'll always love you
he loves those stereotypical answers

but sometimes I think back
to when we met all those years ago
its funny us so young supposedly had a love so old

or thats what I want to believe
sometimes I think thats why I stayed
because the idea of us was so romantic

I wanted it to be real
I thought if I wanted it enough
I could make it happen

our relationship only worked
if we had our own hidden reality
where we could sneak away

there we looked at the stars
and he didn't explain to me about how the stars are just explosions
he just let me see there beauty like he knows I like

he didn't press me to retain unwanted knowledge
letting me lay there happy with beautiful lights in the sky
letting me live in my innocence bliss

as we grew older
more things happened under the stars
yet not everything he wanted

that's when I started questioning
and when I realized how many secrets
we both kept

and when he was honest
the beauty of everything
shattered into pieces

once my innocence about it all was lost
and though I tried to maintain it
with it went the bliss

and I began to question everything
yet the one I wanted answered most
I never could ask

because those were the ones that would **** it all
and I realized I wasn't happy
and I left to your protest

yet I still never got an answer
but not because of fear of asking
but more because I wouldn't trust your answer

now after so long I see
all my time wasted
and your memories haunting me

this process of forgetting
its just so painstakingly slow
I just want to erase it all

I can't keep this up
I just want you to disappear
because thinking of you hurts so much

thinking of the lies
how you played me for a fool
why I couldn't see what you were becoming

and that burning question still pestering my thoughts
why does it even matter anymore
I'm done I shouldn't care

but I'd be lying to say I didn't
and your the only one who could answer
but is there any way I could trust your answer

maybe writing it down will keep it out of my nightmares
Did you ever truly care about me? or was it all just one big lie?
was I just the stupid blonde girl you thought would be easy?

I know you'd say no
but wouldn't you say no to all those other girls too. how many of us are just lies
I wanna believe I was different. but was i? really?

will I ever know
or will this always haunt me?

I love you
right?
of course

you love me
you tell me all the time
how amazing I am

and I love you
with my whole heart
well... most of it

your everything a girl wants
my friends all say go for it
why don't I?

I love you
its obvious
isn't it?

sometimes...
very few
like never

I think maybe...
I'm your fairy tale
perfect ending that is always an option

you think I'm perfect
but what if I don't live up to the hype?
what if all we are is hype?

whats wrong with me?
your perfect right?
you think I'm amazing

yet when your biggest problems are so trivial
I wonder
maybe your too innocent

I've matured beyond my years
and maybe I'm just starting to see
past the disguise of perfection

Maybe you are pefect
but I'm starting to realize
I may not want perfection

I don't want to hurt you
but the lies are starting to hurt
my voice feeling faker with each I love you

I hope you understand
I think your a great dream
but I need reality

I'm not blind
I see what your doing
I always have
Do you know how much it hurts me?
No... you wouldn't
It's not like you ask
Though to ask you'd have to care I'm hurt
How my heart tears up inside with every word
How it hurts so much inside
Sometimes I have to make it hurt outside
But you don't care
And that hurts most of all
So yes I know what your doing
Ur keeping me happy
But you'll disappear next year
How can I blame you
It's not your fault your leaving
That was always your escape right?
you thought I didn't see
you honestly thought I was still so naive
you thought if you could keep me under your thumb
your ***** little secrets would be kept
Because that's what you care about
But your thumb is crushing me
Soon what will be left of me
Nothing.
But I'm not something you care about
So I don't matter
Who would really care if you crushed me?
So does it hurt at all to know
I figured out your little plan
And I pretended not to hoping I was wrong
Hoping I could change your mind
I could be worth your care
But I know it'll never happen
But I'll be never know why
And that's what hurts the most
Knowing I can care about someone
Who is just using me
And I know it but I can't stop
I should tell your secret
I should make you suffer the consequences of your own actions
Finally show you how much wrong you do
Yet I look at you
And I just can't hurt you

The tears poor down my cheeks
Like waterfalls from soft white cliffs
I start to wonder how It came to this
I was just trying to end the fighting

I started out just taking the blame
They knew it wasn't my fault
Because she was there to hold me back
Now I'm lost

My friends don't want to hurt me
But they can't seem to stop
Not understanding the pressure building up behind my eyes
With their words like daggers stabbing into my sides

I try so hard to just take the pain
As they stab me
I should just smile as the blood starts pouring out
I deserve it

I have to act like I'm okay
shes not here to stop me
and I just can't stop myself
I just want to help

Then their words sink in
They can't all be wrong
What if it is my fault?
What if everything is?

Then why fight it?
You know how it ends
Your always guilty
Just stop fighting it

Maybe I am just wrong
I must have some defect in my personality
Maybe its always been this way
I just had to lose her to see it

And now I know, I'm the defect
And  I'm breaking down
I try to run
But there's nowhere to go

I start to collapse
Tears streaming
Throat hurting
Voice cracking

My legs start to crumble
As I fall I know its my fault
It always is
I deserve it

I search through the tears
Rolling down my bruised cheeks
Blood stained knives sticking out of me
As I lay there in the darkness

All I can choke out
As the blood starts pooling
World turning black
"I'm sorry"

I'm sorry
really I am
this is all my fault

and I let you get caught up in it
and you don't understand
because I just can't explain

I liked you
I really did
but I didn't know what to do

Its never been like this
I don't know anything about you
and I thought I couldn't have you

I wish I could've just pushed away all my worries
just let them work themselves out
but things don't tend to work themselves out for me

and I got scared
and I still liked you
and it just got so confusing

so I did some stupid stuff
and said the wrong things
I let you get mad. practically chased you away

I just wish I could explain
so you didn't have to hate me
because I miss you

I miss how you made me feel
how you made me laugh like no one else has
how I wasn't thinking about anyone else when I was with you

but now that's all gone
and I can feel your eyes burn into me whenever your around
your words coming so few and only enough to get away from me

we're forced to hide in opposite corners of an empty room
because you don't want to see me
because seeing you kills me inside

and the whole time we're hiding
I want to look and see if you're still there
and all I want to do is apologize

but I don't know how
and what if you forgive me?
what if we start it all over again

and i ***** it all up again
I just can't keep hurting you
so I'm sorry... but you'll never know it

this feeling
overwhelming me
like a compulsion
it's so very random
sometimes a moment
sometimes for hours
I wonder if it's a part of me
or controlling me
sometimes I drop everything
ignore friends texts and calls
its like no other feeling
a high I can't buy anywhere
I can't even try to control it
sometimes it leaves for weeks
just to hit me for a minute
this feeling is like no other
when my words turn into something
that's just for me and no one else
if its a new love
or my heart smeared on paper
when I was so low I saw no up
it reached out for me
and it didn't pull me up
but showed me how to pull myself up
It showed me I can feel without falling
and I feel stronger just knowing i have it
like a hidden diary
with it I can breathe again
and no one can take it from me

is he worth it?
I barely know him
and yet...

no what am I thinking

my hearts just too damaged
it's been ripped out
torn apart and crushed

and by the same guys

so many times
and they're still too much part of my life
I can't just walk away

I tried so hard

I built an artillery around my heart
yet somehow
he still poked his head in

maybe I'm just a fool

but he seems so nice
sweet in a goofy way and so safe
he feels different from the others

and yet... so similar

they weren't always monsters
they seemed sweet
safe...

I was such a fool!

I believed they were kind
I believed I could trust them
I believed they liked me too

I gave them my heart

and watched as they destroyed it
they made me feel so helpless
convincing me it was love

and how can you fight love?

I know now it wasn't love
but what if he does the same
could my heart take it?

maybe he'll be different

but should i risk it
after everything
my heart is so fragile

I just want to believe I'm still strong

prove I can have a good guy
to myself
to those who hurt me

yet I have to wonder

maybe I'm just to hopeless
I should just do away with my useless heart
save myself the pain

is love worth it?

I'm not invisible
I walk
I breathe
I talk

Yes i gave you up
But you didn't honestly think I'd disappear

I'm not some timid little girl

Talk down to me
I'll knock you down

Look down on me
I'll show you how amazing I look

Push me
I'll push back

Try to apologize
I'll ignore you

because I don't care
because I'm done letting you walk all over me

I've picked myself up
and I'm better without you

and if you make me
I'll prove it

because I still exist

I don't regret ending it
You were a ****

I'm still so mad at you
So why doesn't the hatred erase everything else

It did for you
When I was falling

You smiled
like I was some stranger

But when you fell
I jumped up

And every instinct...
told me to help you

I held my breathe
But I still struggled not to call out

My heart bottomed out
I just felt lost

I wanted to talk to you
Say... Something... I don't know

Maybe because nothing could be said
Your still a ****

Yet it still hurts to know
she'll comfort you

And though I won't admit it
A small part of me wishes

you'd come over hug me say sorry
that you still care about me

So yes I wish we'd been a happy ending
But it just wasn't meant to be

And maybe I'm stupid
But its so hard to act like everything I ever felt just washed away

It's just so hard to hate someone
You still care about

shut up
before I shut it for you

stop acting like I'm weak
just cause I don't dress like a *****

I know your mad
you blame me for it all

well news flash your not his type
and that's not my fault

don't call me out with crap
you don't know anything about

don't act tough cause your hair is blue and your clothes are black
cause I don't care what you drink or smoke and especially not who you do

you think you can scare me
well maybe you should step back

cause I'm not your everyday good girl
I can fight and I wouldn't be here if I couldn't take a punch

I don't care about your issues
cause I've got my own that would blow yours out the water

so don't poke me with your bony little finger
cause I may just snap it off

don't act like you know everything
when you ain't even know my name

and yes my friends will fight for me
because I do the same for them

so go with your little sad self and face it
he doesn't like you

don't hate me cause he likes me
don't go around convincing people I'm crazy

because I can walk away
taking him with me

so deal, me and him are inseparable
you and him are nothing

and that's not my fault
stop pretending like it is

I met him first
we have history

we love each other in a way you don't understand
and you never will

so accept it your just passing by
so bye *****

I won't miss you
and that is your fault

I walk aimlessly around
waiting serching for someone whos not there

I feel alone in a crowd
none of these people are her

Shes suppose to be here
shes suppose to be smiling laughing and telling me stories

she was my best friend
now I walk half gone

I'm like a balloon
tied to her my rock keeping me grounded

than out of nowhere I'm cut
I have no anchor

lost only a needle away from falling apart
I lost my rock

she held me together
she kept me safe

and I will never see her again
and all I know is

Its not suppose to be this way

I'm so tired of you
acting like nothing happened
cause I just can't do that

you say we can be friends
like I should celebrate
like I can be happy again

well it doesn't work like that
you insulted me in every way
and I let you, but not anymore

I've learned to stand alone
I worked so hard
and you...

you walking around
with your hair grown out
like I always wanted

you giving me your evilly adorable smirk
knowing you make my heart skip
like I use to love

you cheering me on
like a friend
which I use to wish for on every star

but now I just want you gone
because I got run over following you
and I only make that mistake once

so listen for once
you don't get to decide
not any more

I'm stronger
push me
I'll push back

so stop the act
don't try to pretend like your a good guy
and we can be friends

Just because they don't know
doesn't mean it didn't happen
you made this mistake and it's permanent

because I won't forget
I can't forgive
it's just too much

so you can say what you want
but don't pretend your my friend
because you never even said I'm sorry

and NO
your texts don't count
they never did

so stop talking cause all I hear is crap
excuses piling on top of each other
not one word being an apology

so when you really care
look me in the eye and just say
I'm sorry

until than
when you see me
just walk away

I was crying
when I called
you didn't ask
you knew what to do
wait until I'm too tired
to think straight
but you didn't ask
why I called you up
why I relapsed
because you didn't think
do you ever
you didn't care
If I was okay
as long as I still look good
except you know my secrets
you know there's more than a pretty face
you've known my pain, tears, depressions
my last resort
when I can't take the pain
but my blood stained sleeves
are my problem
right?
no complications
like caring

your job is to protect yourself
and you do it well
too well

you became my friend
the kind i can talk to forever and not be bored
you became my boyfriend
and it was good...great...awesome...not great...bad...
so you became my ex-boyfriend (but we'd stay friends)
except that's just what people say... me trying to be your friend (which in your mind means me pursuing you)
so you become my ex-friend
now I wish I'd never met you

Alfred Lord Tennyson said "tis better have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Maybe it's because we only reached like
but I'd rather have never liked or known you
than have lost you as a friend

you make me insane
i don't get it
i can't explain it
but i hate it
how you can't look at me
how you won't talk to me
how just seeing you makes me mad
i try talking but it makes no sense
and i just wanna make it all go away
i wanna run and never stop
maybe if i get far enough away
your face will fade into the blur of my past
than i can look to my future
but i never make it
i'm almost there
and... i just can't fight it
so i turn just one last look
and i see you
and i miss it
all the nice conversations
how you made me laugh
how you treated me
like... a girl
like i was pretty
like i was worth something
and i can't keep running
but i won't turn back
and i have no where to go
i wish someone would save me
but i'm getting more lost every second
soon i'm not sure anyone will be able to find me

you walk in
and its like the sun shines brighter
my heart races too fast
but it beats into a knife
because the more you make me happy
the worse the pain when I remember
how far I'll always be from your touch
do you know how hard it is
to love you
to know it may never be the right time
that you love me
that I love you
and our only enemy is fear
of losing what we can't live without
so what can I do?
when I can't risk losing him
but I can't stand not having him

This mask
At one time
Was my identity

It had friends
It had secrets
It had power

Some liked it
Some cared for it
But none loved it

Some wanted it
Some believed it
Few had seen past it

So this mask...
Could've been happy
Except masks don't feel

but I did
I felt fake
but I let the mask win

yet the mask
Was just a mask
So why did it have such power

I didn't like it
I wanted to be real
but I was so scared

what if it hurts
what if they reject me
what if i'm alone

so i live behind a mask
hating every moment
wishing to be saved

yet they couldn't save me
because they didn't know me
finally I realized

I was my own worst enemy
so I removed the mask
and for the first time

I lived

Did you know?
Your the monster

In my closet
Under my bed

That I see in the corner of my eye
That makes me jump at shadows

You think I'm nervous
That I still like you

Your kidding yourself
Your a monster

You devour souls
You crush spirits

You hurt me in every way
Yet you won't go away

Why?
Is it fun?

To destroy people
To see them suffer

To watch the tears
As they spill out

And know its because of you
Is it fun?

You think your amazing
But to me

Your the ten tentacled sharp toothed monster
That haunted my dreams when I was little

Except your real
And I don't wake up from this nightmare