All the things
I can't tell you

How I still wish you were the guy I hear around the corner
How I still wish you'd come and make it all okay
How I still wish you were the guy from 7 years ago

But I can't tell you that
Because your not

I still remember your smile
I still remember the sound of your voice
I still remember the feeling of your touch

But I can't tell you that
Because you don't

I still jump when you fall
I still hope your okay
I still wish I could ask

But I can't tell you that
Because you didn't jump

I miss talking to you
I miss being able to look you in the eye
I miss the way you always made me smile

But I can't tell you that
Because than you'd know

It feels good
To have someone

Who knows
What to say and when to say it

Yet when that person is pushing
He wants more and more

And I'm scared he has every key
To all my locks

And if he asked at the right time
I'm scared I'd let him in

And it might be fun
But I can't buy anymore locks

And he may be fun
But unfortunately fun doesn't mean trustable

and fun never lasts
and neither does he

time goes by so fast
when your happy

yet seems to pause
as you fall

I remember when you were nothing
but a guy in my math class

than you texted
and I replied

and ever sense
one bad decision after another

but do all bad decisions
have to be mistakes

because you don't hurt
and mistakes hurt

and I know your scared
so am I

maybe because we know secrets about each other
yet we don't trust each other

so we wonder
why we told them

and we don't know
what do we know

I know I love him
you know you love her

yet we risk it
and I don't know why

and I want to ask
but I'm too scared

because if you say something
if you feel something

I'm not sure
of my answer

I use too
but I was naive

it was in the blur
the time when she stepped in

I held my breath
as I stepped back for her

you didn't notice
and after awhile I didn't mind

and I never thought of you
as I kissed him

and he makes me happy
while you just make me smile

and overtime
I've learned smile's lie

so please don't have feelings
because losing you would hurt

don't make it hurt
we've both made mistakes

don't become one
don't become mine

a bad decision
isn't a mistake

until it hurts
please don't hurt me. Please.

smile
breathe
laugh

hear his voice
try not to look in that direction
hear him talking with friends

he's laughing, joking, having fun
wonder why he can't be like that when I'm around
wishing I was over there

try not to think of him
fail
his name finds it's way into all my thoughts

wonder if he sees me?
wonder if he likes what I'm wearing?
wonder if he knows he's why I'm wearing it?

trying to get his attention
trying to make him come over
trying to make him speak

he walks in front of me
my heart spikes
he looks at me

I freeze
I'm a deer and his eyes are my headlights
intensely burning into me

and for a second
I truly think he's going to run me over
I look away regret shooting me like a hunter's bullet

wishing I'd spoken
wishing I'd smiled
wishing I'd done anything else

I look back
I take a deep breath
and swallow my heart

"wheres Matt?"
I ask forcing him to look
our eyes meet

his fill with fear
as if he'd rather die than speak to me
I snap in a different last name

looking away but not fast enough
still seeing relief flicker through him
I walk towards the one I named 'accidentally' knocking into him

I didn't look back
I heard his friend ask "whats with her?"
I cringe at his reply "why should I know?"

I dig my nails into my arm
I bite my lip
and fight every instinct to turn around

hoping he didn't see my anger
yet at the same time
hoping he did

wishing he'd just spoken to me
ending the act
we could be normal friends

no more complications
no more secrecy
no more excuses

I text him everyday asking if we can ever be normal friends
he replies we already are
I send a smiley face

In the end it's simple
he's a liar
and I'm a fool

it's not suppose to be like this
it's too soon
it's too easy
it can't be real
and yet... it somehow is

it's a fairy tale
but i can't trust it
and I'm ******* it up

we met as children
how was I to know
you were just a cute guy across the table
but you saw me when I wasn't much to see
perfect first love

than camp ended
and I saw the reality of it
and made a decision to stay your friend

we grew up
yet not apart
and everyday it got harder
until finally we admitted
we were still in love with our first loves

yet I held back
how could I move forward
when there was so much to lose

I love you
you love me
but it was too perfect
how could I trust prince charming
when I don't feel like a princess

and every step of the way
I've ******* up
and you've looked past it

prince charming?
7 years
I still can't trust it
and for some reason
you still love me