is he worth it?
I barely know him
and yet...

no what am I thinking

my hearts just too damaged
it's been ripped out
torn apart and crushed

and by the same guys

so many times
and they're still too much part of my life
I can't just walk away

I tried so hard

I built an artillery around my heart
yet somehow
he still poked his head in

maybe I'm just a fool

but he seems so nice
sweet in a goofy way and so safe
he feels different from the others

and yet... so similar

they weren't always monsters
they seemed sweet
safe...

I was such a fool!

I believed they were kind
I believed I could trust them
I believed they liked me too

I gave them my heart

and watched as they destroyed it
they made me feel so helpless
convincing me it was love

and how can you fight love?

I know now it wasn't love
but what if he does the same
could my heart take it?

maybe he'll be different

but should i risk it
after everything
my heart is so fragile

I just want to believe I'm still strong

prove I can have a good guy
to myself
to those who hurt me

yet I have to wonder

maybe I'm just to hopeless
I should just do away with my useless heart
save myself the pain

is love worth it?

stop smiling
stop laughing
stop talking
stop being yourself
because its not fair
they get you

and i get a death stare
because of what?
what did i do?
why are you so cold?
why do you go mute
when i walk up

you say you'll try
I should've known better
nothing i say matters
everything i say angers you
and me I just can't keep talking
to someone who won't listen

you make me insane
i don't get it
i can't explain it
but i hate it
how you can't look at me
how you won't talk to me
how just seeing you makes me mad
i try talking but it makes no sense
and i just wanna make it all go away
i wanna run and never stop
maybe if i get far enough away
your face will fade into the blur of my past
than i can look to my future
but i never make it
i'm almost there
and... i just can't fight it
so i turn just one last look
and i see you
and i miss it
all the nice conversations
how you made me laugh
how you treated me
like... a girl
like i was pretty
like i was worth something
and i can't keep running
but i won't turn back
and i have no where to go
i wish someone would save me
but i'm getting more lost every second
soon i'm not sure anyone will be able to find me

Maybe its too crazy, for this to work
Maybe we're just grasping at straws
Maybe I should have given in long ago
Maybe I should walk away

Finally listen to my brain
It's always been the obvious answer
but when I try
my feet feel cemented down

This repetition is horrible
but it seems to be never ending
and yet... when I had the chance
I couldn't end it

Did you know?
I have love
I have freedom
I have it all... Or so I thought

Than came you
I'm not even sure what this is
this feeling for you
is there a word

It's not love
yet its so much more than some teen crush
and yet so much less
now filled with curiosity

Maybe Its something new entirely
maybe its just my need to rebel
maybe the hot intimacy of the secrecy
yet I find myself unable to let it go

you say we can go back to being friends
you know your lying
Yet sometimes I wish
we stayed just friends

I know it be totally different
yet maybe when we talk
I wouldn't always be in fear
of your next attempt to end it

I miss it
when you trusted me
and I trusted you
and neither felt guilty about it

but there's no going back
and there's absolutely no going forward
there's just here and now
you and me

don't act like your sorry
like you don't know what your doing
like I have the same amount of blame
and yet I do
I kept letting you talk
your words like a spell
the longer I listen
the less I can focus
and it's like a lure
and before I know it
I'm trapped
you give me that innocent look
like you didn't know
like its a coincidence we don't talk until late
and you know when I'm getting tired
when I'm paying attention less
I try to concentrate
but I find I'm losing my way
longer and longer
the more I don't want to say no
the more I con't keep it up
like if just for a second I could trust you
let you in
No! I have to catch myself
your the predator
luring in your prey
but soon
I won't stop
I'll walk to close to the edge
and it'll look so easy
you look so sweet
I just want to let go
and you know all my short cuts
how long can I hold out
when you always know
what to say
when to say it
how to say it
and all I know is it'd be so easy
and this is so hard
and maybe you have changed...

this feeling
overwhelming me
like a compulsion
it's so very random
sometimes a moment
sometimes for hours
I wonder if it's a part of me
or controlling me
sometimes I drop everything
ignore friends texts and calls
its like no other feeling
a high I can't buy anywhere
I can't even try to control it
sometimes it leaves for weeks
just to hit me for a minute
this feeling is like no other
when my words turn into something
that's just for me and no one else
if its a new love
or my heart smeared on paper
when I was so low I saw no up
it reached out for me
and it didn't pull me up
but showed me how to pull myself up
It showed me I can feel without falling
and I feel stronger just knowing i have it
like a hidden diary
with it I can breathe again
and no one can take it from me

I can't stand it
you don't even know
how insane your making me
or do you?

how I watch you
out of the corner of my eye
waiting... hoping

not for a reunion
no don't get any ideas
I'm done with you
but I just... I need

to yell
scream
call you out

you messed up
did you know that?
YOU ******* up

but you don't talk to me
you avoid looking in my direction
like you can't stand the guilt
your too ashamed of me

I just want you to try..
something
anything

I just can't stand it
You messed up! Not me
but don't I get something
while you got everything

you never even said sorry
and I just want to know you feel bad
that you have a conscience

just once could you
please
just say sorry

sorry I was a ****
sorry I hurt you
sorry I ignored you
sorry I was wrong

I have feelings
this didn't just affect you
is it that hard to remember

I just wanna know you felt something
anything
that I meant something to you

I don't want you anymore
I can't do that again
but I wanna know you have a heart
because you broke mine

so yes I do watch you from the corner of my eye
hoping you'll say something
anything