I walk aimlessly around
waiting serching for someone whos not there

I feel alone in a crowd
none of these people are her

Shes suppose to be here
shes suppose to be smiling laughing and telling me stories

she was my best friend
now I walk half gone

I'm like a balloon
tied to her my rock keeping me grounded

than out of nowhere I'm cut
I have no anchor

lost only a needle away from falling apart
I lost my rock

she held me together
she kept me safe

and I will never see her again
and all I know is

Its not suppose to be this way

I feel the wind against my face
sweat dripping from my chin
hearing every twig snap around me

legs aching with every step
but I can't stop
just push a bit further

the next tree
than the next
they all start blurring

I know it hurts
but I can't stop now
I know stopping I'll just drop

I can't
not now
just keep moving

than I hear it
the voice that haunts my nightmares
it sounds nice but I know the truth

I just can't
not today
not any day

I start sprinting and I can't stop
like my legs have minds of their own
nothing matters any more

I just have to get away
away from him
I want to cry

though I don't know why
and some little part of me
wants to go back

I just want to cause him pain
I ran until my legs fell out from out under me
and hit the ground hard

I just buried my face into my hands
and try to breathe
and force myself to stagger up

than I got up and started again
to the ends of the world I will run
to keep you away from me

because when I see you
I just want to scream
my heart speeds up while breaking

I can't breathe
I can't think
I just can't do it anymore

so I may not be able to hide
but I'll always be able to run
and run I will

I'm so tired of you
acting like nothing happened
cause I just can't do that

you say we can be friends
like I should celebrate
like I can be happy again

well it doesn't work like that
you insulted me in every way
and I let you, but not anymore

I've learned to stand alone
I worked so hard
and you...

you walking around
with your hair grown out
like I always wanted

you giving me your evilly adorable smirk
knowing you make my heart skip
like I use to love

you cheering me on
like a friend
which I use to wish for on every star

but now I just want you gone
because I got run over following you
and I only make that mistake once

so listen for once
you don't get to decide
not any more

I'm stronger
push me
I'll push back

so stop the act
don't try to pretend like your a good guy
and we can be friends

Just because they don't know
doesn't mean it didn't happen
you made this mistake and it's permanent

because I won't forget
I can't forgive
it's just too much

so you can say what you want
but don't pretend your my friend
because you never even said I'm sorry

and NO
your texts don't count
they never did

so stop talking cause all I hear is crap
excuses piling on top of each other
not one word being an apology

so when you really care
look me in the eye and just say
I'm sorry

until than
when you see me
just walk away

your eyes drain me
and I know your smile is forced
that's how I can tell
you don't understand
I still love you
but I just can't forget
the mean things they say
not a word in my defense
you don't even flinch
maybe if you let them
than you won't be brought down with me
it works but at a price
many people you may never see again
probably won't remember you badly
if at all
but a girl you love
that stood by you for years
will never trust you again
I hope its worth it
I really do
but the way you don't even react to their evil words
that you know couldn't be less true
and you stay quiet in your own self- preservation
now I see your true self
I still love you
but not the same way I did
I need someone stronger
I hope one day you'll see
but I'm sorry it wasn't in time to save
you and me

you see me
my eyes dart away
my heart races
fear? panic? hatred? sorrow? regret?
I'm not sure
you knew me entirely
yet your heart was caged
you'll tell me she got in
yet if she did why isn't she enough?
why can't you be around me?
you blame it all on me
like I'll force your hand
when I can't even move my own
you say I made the first move
I'd laugh bacause your game is solitaire
and I was just another card
you threw me around
losing pieces in the process
your eyes cold as ice
you look away
I wonder if you hear
my heart shattering as you do

they throw me in the arena
they want to watch
always cheering for my opponent
they say I like it
like its fun for me
to be booed at
backed into a corner
insulted for speaking at all
I just want to run
but there is no escape
this game is killing me
but they seem to love it
watching me suffer
How can they not see?
that knowing they won't listen
makes every word like a knife stabbing my throat
every word hurts worse than the last
until I just can't keep fighting

I'm living in a def world
and all I want is to be heard

I'm crazy
he's amazing
yet I don't love him
I can't

he looks at me with pure love
yet I'm blind to him

he says the sweetest things
yet I hear nothing

he holds me when I need to be held
yet I feel nothing

Why?
Why can I fall so easily for the other?

the one who can't look me in the eye
I looked past it

the one who only spoke to me in secret
I hear every word

the one who leaves me in the cold
I feel every second

am I insane
messed up mentally
somehow I love what I should hate
and run from what I should love

why can't I love the boy who loves me?
why can I love the boy who is filled with nothing but hatred?