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Afraid Of Myself
I smiled and said hi
I couldn't continue the conversation
For I felt my insecurities crawling up to my mind

I walked away and left her perplexed
I couldn't get help, my heart was way too congested
And before I knew it
The river in my eyes started flowing down the desert I call my cheeks
So then I knew I couldn't face the truth
I'll beat about the bush, failing to at least elude
I wasn't even persuasive enough
So I found a room and shut the door
I had a fear I couldn't face
A tear I couldnt erase
A memory I wouldn't embrace
And I sat there and stumbled across my perceptions
I didn't want to give her the wrong impression
So I unlocked the room and walked out
And just then I remembered that couldn't face my fears
And it really knocked me down
And until today I'm still this way
A poetic introverted mind is what I'd say
My definition of love
Is starring and finding the beauty in your canvas
The glitter in your bruised
And the cracks on the windows of your heart

I tried telling you I liked you
I swallowed my pride
But it clawed its way up
My oesophegus
And I spet it out like it was forbidden

I know I have nothing to loose when I look into your eyes
For I find true beauty in there

The way you have champagne in your walk
Is the the same way I get drunk in your footsteps
Your eyes are brighter than the sun shines unto me
I wanna be closer than your skin is to you

The other day kissed my neck
And I heard the angels calling out
My name
I love you the way the stars adorn the skies
The way the sun shines so bright
"I love you", those were my favorite words
That ever came from your mouth

Crush I'm sorry but I really really like you
And I want you to myself, I'm selfish I know

Constantly I found myself drooling over you
As I yern for your lips to run across my hips
I'm really to let you in to my world of desires

There's too many words and too many names
But yours is my favorite
Your words are a crack of lightning at night
Dangerous like a hurricane

Perhaps you could be my forever
You could be my beautiful distraction

Crush I am ready to love you
Just not ready to put a label
To whatever that's happening
Between the two of us
I grew into loving you
But one thing that's hindering me is to out
A whole label to this beautiful bond
That we have right here
He who makes me fell worthy of being loved..
I hope that someday I will stumble upon someone
Who will start a fire in me, than can never burn out

I hope he's eyes will save me from the illusions of this world
He won't tell me about
How my intuition is nothing
But my insecurities
I hope he's honest
Mostly to himself

I hope he'll be perfect
Perfectly carved and handmade by
The lord from above
I hope hell bring do much warmth in my heart
And nothing but simplicity

I hope he's dark skin, brown eyes
And has a great sense of humor
A pure heart to love himself and I
Lastly, I hope that he puts God first
Before anybody else

I really hope its him
Unfortunately there's no light at the end of this tunnel
At least I got to learn that things will always stay like this
I keep having these convulsions
And trust me its not bliss
I try to find the little things during the day to make me happy
But the burden I am carrying is way too heavy
Nothing ever seems to be consistent these days
So I love curling up in my bed
Reading books and making up scenarios in my head

Often I find myself in a world I call my own
I wonder when this world will ever love me for who I am
Maybe I'm too weak to stand on my own
I can't deal with certain situations alone
I'm only just 16
Can't the world be a little less harsh
Can't it at least let me be me

I've grown into consoling myself
I wipe my own tears
I hope one day I'll be able to kold up my smile
Hope that all my fears will be gone

Let's hope tomorrow I'll be better
I woke up this morning, not ready
My room all messy just like my heart
And I'm always being labelled as "lazy" for not cleaning it

I'm that type of girl that would stay indoors
While my peers are out shopping
I love cooking but the kitchen never loved me
I lock myself in my room and chain my ears down with music
Because its my only venue of escape

I write it to heal my pain
To express my sorrow
Distress and unstrain

I jogg to run away from my problems
And at times I bottle my feelings
I burst in tears
Not because I'm weak
But because
I don't wanna have anyone's neck stuck between my palms

Lastly I don't believe in pure love
Because if then it was true
The world would be a better place to be
So I've been confined in this impounded world for some time
I didn't really wanna go back to reality
So I've fell in love with the way things are in this world
I've been in so much solitude lately
I'm starting to get worried about myself
I learnt that everything will always stay this way
Nothing has really changed

There's this girl sitting in the back of my mind
She's a very destructive person
Never wants me to be around a large crowd
She doesn't like my friends so she pushes them away

In my mind there's these painful words you've ever said to me
The walls written of how I'm such a disgrace
The floors polished with how much I mean nothing to you
And the windows broken by
How you always use everything I've ever told you
Against me, just to prove how much of a bigger person who you are

Enlighten me please

I have such a dark mind
My vessels only flow with sorrow
And my tears are made of my blood and my broken

Rest in peace
To me
Who died a very long time ago
And everyone forgot about her
Her body is like poetry
Hand written
Carefully constructed for ones eyes to consume
Thick lips I'd kiss all day
Her eyes would always capture my attention
And I always got lost in them
Lost in their beauty
Her smile that eventually warmed my body
It had the power to control me
Console me
And mold me into a better me
Curved hips that looked like an African clay ***
Made to drink love out of
You'd instantly fall in love with her I swear
Her voice I'd listen to all day
A very warm melody
A great sensation
I watched you walk away
Never thought you'd leave me abandoned
I honestly wish I'd have fixed things and you'd stay
With me myself and I, I felt stranded
In a world so far away from anyone else
I was destructed by thoughts that never left my mind
Don't know what had me thinking you'd always be by my side

When I ask if you love me
Know your words before you lips break the way my knees Do at this side of you
Couldn't keep my heart and mind at ease
Remembering all the times we've spent together

Will you love her the same way you loved me
Will your face break open and eyes get filled with Diamonds when you talk to her
Will she hold your hand tight in fear that she'll loose you
I met her at the age of ten
I sat there and stared at her for a while
I was in fear, wondering who this unpleasant stranger was
Or how she got there

I was in absolute disperse
My tears then started rolling down the desert I call, my cheeks
Not knowing what to do I quickly rushed to my aunt
Informed her about the informal visitor we had

Since then I learned that I had to get used to her
I learned to understand her
But not one day has she ever made me feel
Good about myself

These days she visits with a warning
Before coming
When she pops up I abstain from white
On these beautiful legs
And she doesn't only leave a mark on my pants
But in my mind too
So I'll never forget the days she made me
Feel awful about myself

When she's here, she hurts me continuously
But on the inside where she hides all the time
She destroys my plans
And leaves me laying in a bathtub filled with red
Her favorite color

She has me confused of how I really feel
I get to fussy and restless when she's around
Around my waist is hee favorite place
Where she beats my walls down my thighs
And that's not alright

So this is me
At the age of sixteen
Still being bullied by the
Lady in red
She walks with so much pride
Yet fills me up with so much pain
Welcome to my canvas
A place full of color and satisfaction
Filled with warmth and beautiful distractions
In every corner, there's laughter and smiles
Everything in there is carefully handwritten and drawn out of love

Welcome to my world
The only place I feel safe in
A place fully caged away from all harms
The venue with warm hugs and kisses
The area filled with tender love

Welcome to heart
The most messy room I've been in
The only room to have windows and shattered vessels
Where the walls are written of trust issues and insecurities

Welcome to my mind
The place filled with perplexity
A place of chaos
Filled with with nothing but
My troubled thoughts hopelessly floating on air
And these gravitational forces
That keep pulling my emotions to the ground

I wonder who will love me now
Mosadi o tshwara thipa ka fa bogaleng
But what happens when you're the one holding the other end of the knife
Threatening to take my life
Lessening my chances of living beyond 20 years

I am from Botswana, the country where **** has become our culture
In my country 33 women are ***** a week
Over a population we all wish could increase
I thought monsters only existed in fairy tales we see on television
And not 5 houses away from mine
I am not comfortable in my own home
I am not comfortable in my own home
  I am not comfortable in my own home
Like any other female 17 year old

And this generation thinks its okay
This generation repeatedly thinks that this is the new normal
**** has become so common

Did you know that **** humiliates a woman
A society
A nation
And even the world
**** is a dish served cold
Aren't you tired of being told the same story over and over?
Doesn't this song get old?

My heart beats for those hearts that have stopped beating
It bleeds for those that have lost their blood to the hands of a man

You say stay home, stay safe
But i am a predator of a man who is here to deprive me of my pride

You can hear my cry
Yet you still decide to turn a blind eye
#stopGBV #StopRape #RapeIsADishServedCold
My Wish List
I just wish things could go back to the way they were
Only if things could turn back to normal
But I guess im wrong

If I knew that we'll only love each other today
And become total strangers tomorrow
I'd never have taken the chance of letting ypubinto my heart
Not to be ignored the following day
My heart is aching in pain
Yearning for your love again
I'm not gaining but loosing 'cause of this stress

If only I knew you'd get me to open up
And unfold my untold like secrets written on a paper
I wouldn't have bothers talking to you
I wouldn't have let you into my world of desires
But I'm stupid right, I'll believe every word you say

If only I knew that if I looked into your eyes
I'd fall harder, I would've wished for a world with no gravity
Just so I could float back to the cliff
But your eyes have always been my favorite mirror
To define my exquisite self

If only I knew my heart would endure this much pain
And my mind would be so strained
I wouldve went out of my way to catch flu and not feelings
Because I could never get rid of my feelings for you
Its not that easy
Not after you've set a fire in my heart that'll probably never burn out
I just wish things could go back to the way they were
So I've been having these aches
Ones that hit on the heart
And off to the mind

I've been closed up in this room for a while now
I'm afraid of facing the world
Frightened of getting hurt
Because the last time I went out there
Things didn't go according to plan
So that's why I'm here again

There's this annoying, full of hope voice inside me
That keeps telling me I'm going to be okay
Well its too late
I've already been robbed of my happiness
My shine has been taken away
And now I'm alone in the dark
I'm stuck
In this four-cornerd room
Where me myself and I discuss our problems
And I hate it

I'm tired of being isolated so much
I just wanna be happy again
I wanna smile
And mean each and every word that flows from my lips

I'm tired of always feeling exasperated
Everything all complicated and aggravating
I just need a break from all of this
I'm tired of being drained by life's instabilities
Insecurities always taking over my mind
I gained a little weight
Started being neat
More straight and sophisticated
I grew hair  on my legs
I drew beautiful words across my chest
Started being open
The dark thoughts in my mind transformed to songs
And those were melodies I couldn't stop

I started wearing make up
More facebeats
I wore white regularly
I tried to change, tried to be straight and plain
I abstained from mirrors hoping to see my reflection in your eyes or maybe you'd best define me and judge me as my mirror

Did you know that I dreamt of being in your arms
And that I tried searching for you amongst the starts but I guess you're more than just one of the galaxies

I grew fiercely loyal
Started sitting like I was royal
Captivated by your love
You activated my heart and decided to run
And in that way I felt disregarded

I was oftenly disturbed by my curious thoughts
So I constantly traveled to a world I call my own

When I saw you with her
I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts
I held my breathe and bit my tongue
I died
I ressurected, saw the devel himself
Came back
Caged myself into the world of the unknown far from anyone else

At that time my heart was shattered and crumbled into pieces
Not to mention my mind that was scattered and troubled
But I tried to change
Went out of my comfort zone to satisfy you
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But am i that girlfriend who feels intimidated by hoes

I clear my mind
I rewind
I see you and I
And redefine love

So I realized that its from your eyes I learned to love
And I am nothing but a victim of your love
Rest in peace to my beautiful
My ugly passed away too

I grew in a paranormal world
I gave in to pain
But instead of enduring pain, pain endured me
****** the life out of me
With only only my bones helplessly floating on air
Barely touching the ground

I died didn't I
My life, I let it pass
Call me crazy but I ain't frightened by a corpse
But by a kind person

Last night I choked her
Thinking I'm saving her
Because to me pills didn't seem to be saving lives
She
She
I was sitting on the train the other day
Watching each of my issues pass by while I'm looking out the window
Soon enough I found my reflection
I saw a girl, I saw a pearl
I stares for too long and she was gone
She reappeared and I looked into her big narrow eyes
Found death in her eyes
Deprived of her happiness
And left in the dry desert of loneliness

Well this girl sat in the corners of my mind
With her fingers intertwined and silent
**** was cold but she looked vibrant

I quickly closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts
Hoping she'd have faded into the thin air again
I'm so stupid for thinking she'd walk away

She's the only person that stayed when everyone else turned their back on me
She loved me when no one else did
She consoled me
Took care of my heart when life was tumbing down on me
She put me at ease when my heart beat out of my chest
She calmed me down when I thought I was loosing my breath

She has been there every step of the way, everyday
Anyway I owe her an apology
For trying to push her away
Dunk me in a well of your love
And dry me with the sunshine in your eyes
Tell me you love me before you set lies
To my ears

I wasted my time
That I had invested in you
And I'm so naive
I blame myself for loving you
Loving you literally drained my happy
My happy turned into sorrow
And now I'm stuck here
Wandering about tomorrow

I hate you
For what you've started in me

You led me on and left me lonely in the bushes
That brutally hurt me
And created scars I never wanted

I'm so naive and stupid
For thinking you could love me better than I did
My inadequacy caused me pain
Not to mention my insecurities
That have already found the root in my heart

But it's okay
I will carry my deceased heart
To the coffin you made
Throw it into the hole that you dug
And cover it with the soil that you
Penetrated through
My body is an art
Complements from you don't bother me
So these words hardly get to my heart
I'm not just a girl you met a few weeks ago
But I'm a queen of my own world

"You're beautiful" he says
You're so predictable
So typical
Apparently I'm supposed to believe everything you say
But I'm not gonna fall for it anyway

He held my waist and pulled me closer
He was plugged, I didn't know he was a stoner
Before I knew it he's hands were all over

I'm not just a girl you met a few weeks ago
But I'm a queen of my own world
I cannot allow you inside the castle
Not inside the lords temple
What would I resemble myself as

They will call me names
And start to saying things
But I'm a queen of my own world

I swear I swear, I cannot dare
To let you in
I have fears I cannot face
I have a voice I cannot raise
Because I'm just a queen of my own world

I'm not strong enough i know
But I'm strong enough to with hold the pian you brought
To my heart

All because you didn't listen when
I said my body is an art
I'm a girl
Of cause you'll think
I'm not smart
Because I'm a queen of my own world
Impearled by a thousand angels around me
A thousand worlds surround me
Crowds support me
They stand by me
Hand in hand
Because the understand

You took advantage of me
You broke my heart
And left it unband-aid
You dreamt of taking my virginity
My only little dignity left
Took my souls best
And left my heart to rest
You know I'm not just a girl you met a few weeks ago but
I'm a queen of my own world
My knees go weak and my fingers start crouching
Its only the first week, the first breeze and I can already feel the butterflies in my stomach screeching
I twitch, I twitch, I twitch
I Stutter and fail to speak while my eyes gain the grip of my stare
There's nobody to turn to because I'm alone in this dark room
But I feel crowded
I hear many voices in my head like an angry mob
My heart starts to throb
And my eyes cease to form some watery substance in them
I begin to feel as if my heart has been detached from my body
And my heart is not a match for this body
So my mind starts to play games with me
Telling me all the negative things one wouldn't dream of hearing
I over think each and everything that crosses my mind
I bottle my pain inside
So undefined
Indecisive
At times I feel abandoned and not worth it
Discouraged and disfigured
Different from you, you, you and you
Don't understand that I'm slowly sinking
Drowning in my own thoughts
I cannot shut the emotion down
So I shut the door behind me because I fear that my insecurities will try and crawl up to my mind too
Even though it's killing me inside, I try my best not to cry
Simply because I am a victim of hypervigilance

— The End —