I have reached the bottom of my soul
And seen the peak of my ability

The wasteland of trauma
Aided by my vices
Has led me to fear what is inside

I have climbed on broken glass
And seen the blood dripping
Only to not have moved an inch
And to have only hurt myself

I now have the wisdom
"Why am I climbing on broken glass?"
"This cannot be the only path."
I have turned around
Maybe I'll find flowery meadows

Give me your praise
                                 I'll give you my days
Give me your demands
                               I'll give you my hands
Give me your sickness
                            I'll give you forgiveness
Give me your best
                           I'll give you nothing less
Give me your everything
                                I'll give you anything

my defense mechanisms
have not defended anything
they have only hurt others
and led me astray

i feel like i have to justify
everything about me
to anyone who questions
and its getting obstructive

you seem so far from this
cause ive shut you out
and now youre hurting
as i sequester myself

I take all of my sins
And bathe in them
There's no washing them away

And all of the voices
Remind me of everything
There's no setting them free

And all of my regrets
Know I'll never make peace
There's no coming to understanding

My eyelids are so heavy
I know I should just sleep
But with these ideation I have
I worry I won't wake
Guess a majority of me
Would be okay with that
Maybe thats the best way out
To just quietly drift into the deep

How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

I can't get away from you
You break rules and still
I keep letting you play
I try to shut you out
You beg and apologize
I keep on circling
And I have yet to realize
You're the drain

If you say
You mean it
Then I'll say
I understand

If I say
It was my fault
Then you just
Let go of my hand

I may be a hopeless romantic
But you know that better than I do
You make me a cliché
And you do it just so easily
I don't know if I'm doing this right
But you know I simply cannot hide

I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

How didst I turneth
To this monstrosity
I am ev'rything
Yond makes me sick
I won't receiveth holp
So it shall beest up to me
To just p'rfect
This disease

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

Up and down
Thrown around
Left and right
No sleep tonight

Side to side
I have to turn this tide
There and back
Its the strength I lack

Everybody says that they love me
That they've got my back
But I don't feel it so
I simply can't believe that

So lonely and cold
So drunk and so bold
Been so long since I've felt something
But I know this moment is everything

I'm so far from anything
So close to finding me
Breaking down and growing up
Let me sleep or fill my cup

I wisheth to perish
To spareth mine own legacy
I wisheth to beest f'rgotten
F'r who is't I once wast
And not beest remembered f'r
The ghastly thing I've becometh

I want to undo everything I've done
The triumphs and love
The sins and the downfalls
I want to have never been
I want to never be
You can't be forgotten easily
At least not from others memories
But with these suicidal thoughts
I know I want to be forgotten quicker

I know you're mad at me
And I've been up all night
Thinking about how to
Try and make this right
Then it hits
I didn't do this
You did and somehow
I keep getting convinced
I am the one that has to
Provide the fix

I hate when you judge me
You were once in this hell
When the water was muddy
And it seems you've forgotten.

We swam in the clouds
You were once in this heaven
When you were so proud
And it seems you've forgotten.

Now you've forgotten
Now I'm so toxic
Now nobody wants me
Now I'm ******* rotten.

Everyone talks about
The thorns on roses
The bottoms of bottles
The wars of attrition
The sinks coated in blood
The tide that always turns
The pills on the floor.

No one talks about
The flower on top
The cork of a new one
The victories of wars
The mirrors holding pretty smiles
The ocean that is stunning and still
The tablets that aid in stability.

I used to always wonder why
I guess I still do but
I'm scared that it's because
The dark is more victorious.