Bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
I want to tell every one
I thought I was fooling
I'm sorry
for making you see me this way,
and for thinking it doesn't **** you to stay
just as much as it kills me to say
That I am
a bad Sister.
Bad Daughter.
Bad Lover. Bad Friend.
Bad Student. Bad Teacher.
Through and through.
Till the end.
But, I'm sorry.

I'm half way from the ledge i jumped off
and half way from the shore.
Wading water in the middle,
back and forth. back and forth.
a little less close, a little more.
I'm in the middle of having no idea what I'm doing
and being so sure.
clinging to something I don't understand
because it feels so wrong, but it feels so pure.
Its a lonely place out in the water
when your drowning
and getting tired.
It grows too hard to stay afloat
without the strength that is required.
Now I'm inching toward the ocean floor
with nothing left to be desired
and I realize ... I was done for from the jump.

I'm always telling who I am
about who I was
and to be her again.

She was happy
on the inside.
The sickness in her mind
was even deeper.

Wasn't real yet, till I fed it.
now, too late to change
- it tells me so.
It tells me I'm a keeper

here in my sickness
and I wonder still
oh, why can't I be her again?

All the moments when every single thing was in its right place and I could feel it true, I had no doubts that I was not alone. No fear. No uncertainty. I'll never feel more alive than in my memories with you. You may not believe this, but you're the one thing I believed in. I always loved you more than I loved anything. I would defend you till the end. You are my brother and you will always be. Lately I'm not so sure about anything other than that. I desperately need some sense of belonging. I'm only convinced when I'm with you.

Truth is,
the truth is
always the right answer.

I am what I am.

... But You ...

are everything.

I'm in that moment where.... I'm angry.
I'm angry because I don't feel the way i want to
and it happens just like that - I think about the needle.
I think about how everything fades away when its near me.
just that MOMENT, right before it touches me.
because after ***** too.
just that MOMENT.
and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it.
and I keep trying to put my mind somewhere else but it wont go.
Now I'm sifting through a drawer not even sure what I'm looking for.
In my mind I'm probably looking for non-existent drugs, or a needle.
But in reality I opened the drawer to put a stamp on my letter...
so really I can't find ****.
I can't even see.
I'm just thinking. thinking way too much.
Thinking myself into a black hole of all the possibilities.
All the ways i could go about doing this.
And all the ways i know it would ****.
And all the ways i kinda think i dont care.
its going to pass. but this is the strongest that its ever been.
The desire, i mean.
I feel scared, and ugly, and stupid, and weak.
but ****, I really don't know.
I just need to get out of myself.
of that, I'm sure.
do I ever get to forget about this feeling?
It really isn't right, how my body takes over my mind
and i lose it.
and then i lose it all.

Where are you now?
When i sleep with the lights on every night.
When i cant close my eyes, so i stare
into anywhere, everywhere
that seems dark.

Where are you lying?
When i lay in the arms of another man.
When it feels so wrong, yet here I am.
You're no where, but every where
that seems dark.

Where is your love?
When I'm lost with a needle inside my vein.
That's so insane. I go insane. I'm so insane.
that seems dark.

Here i am
so in love with how you'll never understand,
never hold my hand
and its my fault because I never had a plan.
Just kept this love
close to my heart
despite the fact we've grown apart.
that seems dark.
that seems dark.
that seems dark.

Where is your head?
When you're realizing that I'm so dedicated.
When you're saying you care to be there & you swear.
Don't you dare. Don't you ******* dare....
that seems dark.

Where do we stand?
When time away is passing by slower than ever.
When the end of 15 years in prison starts to feel like never.
& nothing's fair - till we get there.
that seems dark.

Where does it end?
When love is drowning me so deep under my pain.
That's so insane. I go insane. I'm so insane.
that seems dark.

here i am
so i love with you you'll never understand.
never hold my hand.
and its my fault because I never had a plan.
just kept this love
close to my heart
despite the fact we've grown apart.
that seems dark.
its so dark.
so dark.

all my life wasted
and I stay - and I stay there
they say I should pace it
but i don't - no I don't care
I can't take a step down
been at the bottom for so long
guess I must have missed how -
when and where I went so wrong.

I've been so wrong, for so long
at the bottom i stayed there.

I've got all this knowledge
but it really means nothing
I'm jumping off into the middle something
I guess what I'm finding is it's about forgiveness.
find that solution and we begin to live this.

I've been so wrong, for so long
at the bottom and i stayed there.

I'm lonely.
I'm alone.
I'm selfish
and cold.
I'm wrong,
and you're right
so lets fight.
lets fight
to the death.
to MY death
to my last dying breath
I'd still love you
but it's true,
it won't do.
it won't do.
what I've done
to myself
has been done
to you too.
Now I'm lonely
and alone.
When we talk
on the phone
your so selfish
and cold,
our new love
growing old.
and I'm dying to feel
what is already dead.
was it something i said?
was it something i said?
acceptance.
defeat.
I'm alone
and I'm beat.
give it up, love
give it up
or give it all to me
please?
can't you see?
I am dying
on my knees.
I am crying
on my knees.
OK, ill give it up.
I am lying on my knees
and hoping you'll complete
ME